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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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gmc94 posted 11/12/2019 23:07 PM

Hey Tallgirl. Thinking of you. As you know, I struggle with the same things.

I feel a sense of loss if I end the M, and panic if I donít.
this struck me - Iím the exact opposite, in that I feel a sense of panic if I end the M, and loss if I stay

I have no words of wisdom, just the knowledge that neither of us are alone in these feelings.

Big hugs (and I may go have a nice glass of deep hearty tannin filled red wine in your honor).

Tallgirl posted 11/12/2019 23:36 PM

Thanks gmc. I know we have very similar struggles.

Enjoy the wine!! And thank you for dedicating it to me. I shall return the favour.

gmc94 posted 11/13/2019 00:32 AM


WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/13/2019 15:39 PM

Add me to the wine.

I get a sense of panic when I think of us ending. I have no feelings about us staying together. I'm numb.

Tallgirl posted 11/13/2019 16:56 PM

The second bottle I will dedicate to you WAWH!!

likeapinball posted 11/13/2019 20:54 PM

This LTA shit is such a mind fuck. It's constant. I feel like I'm living in an alternate reality some days. Trying to R but still feel like I'm betraying myself. Maybe it is a deal breaker for me. My H has gone above and beyond in the post A department. But....it may just not be enough. Not that I think I'm perfect, but I didn't step out and have a relationship and fuck someone else for 15 of the 16 years we were married (at DDAY). Ok, derailing a bit here. I just don't get it sometimes. Ugh. Sorry for the vent/rant/whatever. Friends IRL just don't get it (not that I've shared this particular shit show with many)!

Tallgirl posted 11/14/2019 06:20 AM


I get the betraying myself feeling. I know i deserve more. R with a man who cheated, lied, day in day out For 10 years - how is that more because they now are sorry and know it was wrong.

Feels like I donít love myself enough.

Work or no work. How does it change that view

Here is the corner I am in... tight corner.

gmc94 posted 11/14/2019 07:05 AM

Same on self betrayal. After 4+ months of S, I know itís me holding myself back. Fear is a bitch. Itís a bigger bitch with ptsd.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/14/2019 14:22 PM

Pinball, I don't get it either. Mine keeps going back to the same woman. Yet he doesn't leave me. I don;t understand any of it.

likeapinball posted 11/26/2019 11:13 AM

Hey folks! Been a bit!
Funny, I thought maybe I was just in a funk or something. But, went out west last week to visit a university with our oldest daughter and didn't really miss H. Not when we left, not when we were there and didn't have that "can't wait to get home" feeling. Actually quite enjoyed being away (missed the other 2 kids).
Feeling more and more like maybe this whole R thing isn't really for me. I feel like I'm "wasting" my time but terrified to pull the pin. And, I also don't love the thought of being bumped down financially. I just really can't get over the fact the the person I was expecting to spend to spend the rest of my life with, did what he did for SO LONG! Who the fuck starts an affair in the first year of marriage?? Oh wait, that would be my H. Where's the smack my head emoji???
Edited for typos!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/26/2019 13:14 PM

Mine started up with his when we had been living together less than 2 years! What is WRONG with them?

I'm like you, terrified to pull the plug, and why should I give up my lifestyle???

gmc94 posted 11/26/2019 13:37 PM

Same here. But I do feel it's getting better - and by "it" I mean my fear. It's certainly not the first time I've felt something "shift" since dday, but I can feel something is coming unstuck and I hope it helps me find the strength to finally walk away from him.

Whatever is shifting, I actually feel pretty good about leaving town for thanksgiving rather than spend it with him and our (still using) addict DD. First time in >25 years I've not spent the day with WH.

Chaos posted 11/26/2019 14:02 PM

Yeah - add me to the Wine list.

While all is going very well in the Land of Chaos the mind fuck of a 4.5 year LTA is mind blowing.

The Holidays make it suck even more. Reality smack - 5 Christmas's he was messaging AP. 5 New years he messaged AP. I could go on but you all know...

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/26/2019 14:13 PM

I'm going to need a LOT of wine this holiday season.
His mother, who hates me, is ill and its all going to be his family at her house. She's showing signs of dementia and she's quite nasty to me (tbh, always has been). His father, who I've always liked, no longer has my back when she starts on me. He's getting older and poor health too.

And of course, every time he's on his phone or disappears, I know he's texting her.

Fun Times! let the holidays roll over.

likeapinball posted 11/26/2019 18:53 PM

I think the holidays will be fine, with enough wine! Actually, they'd be fine anyway. Maybe I'm just really adept at using an on/off switch. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the corner just watching the whole scene. But thinking, how the actual fuck did I manage to get here??
Looking back, we had a few Christmases before they got involved and it's been just over 4 years since Dday. So overall, she was in the background for the majority of them - 15 to be precise, and everything else!

On a side note, I went back and read some of my journal entries. I only did a handful but...WOW. I'm thankful and she's pretty damn lucky I didn't run into her in the "raw" days. Now, I think I'd love to run into her just to watch her squirm. I often imagine being at some function where she is, where people don't know what a despicable POS she is and just following her around with a smile on my face. OK, so maybe I'm quite as far along in my healing as I thought!

Tallgirl posted 11/26/2019 22:08 PM

Wine? I heard my favourite word. Sounds like heaven. And you said lots. Even better. I need a stiff night cap today.

Well, I am off to see my kid with WH . It is my sons graduation from university on Thursday. Should be nice. I am proud!

Barely have spoken to WH recently. Been busy, been pissed off, been a little under the weather. I feel that I have been mean to him. Canít help it. I certainly have been distant. He is at the house tonight in the next room. He should not have gone down the germ road... you havenít been feeling well... letís change the sheets. Damn right , changed them on the other bed. How can you be worried about germs after going to sex workers. Ftlog.

I asked for a ride home from work today, I knew he would was coming to the house. Got a long pause. Really? Asshat. So I took the bus home. Only a 14 hour day at work. Was next to tears I was so frustrated by the time I got home at 8:45pm.

I have no idea what the next 3 days will be like.

Am I the only one exhausted to the bone? I feel like this A crap is winning. And as you all have said, here come the holidays.

Happy to see the end of 2019.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 08:48 AM

Wine, wine and more wine!!

I really like that this thread has gotten more active lately, it helps.

Today and tonight I get to cook crap that everyone will complain about. More of same tomorrow. No one else lives locally, so the fly in family gets a free pass on doing any of the work.

I wonder if his brothers know about the affair.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 11:36 AM

I'm also a member of this particular club. It has been an on/off thing for the last two years (together for 6, AP was an ex-bf she "collected" as a friend), now we're separated.

Before we separated she read up on limerence and now believes she was in limerence with ME for the first few years of our relationship. Meanwhile this was a guy she couldn't go NC with even during our "good years" when he was "just a friend" (and her coworker).

At one point this year she had the nerve to say that at least her affair wasn't like others, since "I knew about it from the start of it". WTF Of course, I didn't know that they resumed their PA earlier this year (found out in June, she decided one week after my grandfather's funeral was a good time to tell me).

And after June, we attempted MC (bad idea, but she refused to do IC which she really needs [she's finally doing it, now that we're separated], everytime I brought it up I'd be told we need MC or for me to do IC). In MC she wanted to "work on our issues" AND still not give up intimacy with her AP. WTF . Basically all the counselor could say was "hey crazy, you gotta choose"

Anyways, I saw this thread had some activity and I read through some stuff that reminded me of a lot of the bullshit I took. Long term affairs are perhaps the most evil of them all in my opinion. Blatant disrespect and gaslighting, all the while holding our love for them hostage.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 12:26 PM

Hi Sakura. I'm leaning on this group to get through these holidays.

In my case, she actually friended me on facebook and acted like she was no more than a fling he had in college. I had no idea he would sneak off with her at the first opportunity! And that 9 years later I would still be dealing with this. She did dump him for a few years in there. But they got back together, he is a fool.

Chaos posted 11/27/2019 12:52 PM

Hey there ShatteredSakura!

Tomorrow I'll raise a big glass and toast you [face it - I'll toast you all repeatedly] in proper LTA thread welcome.

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