I've known about sex addiction for 10 years now. It was in May of 2009 that I found proof of strip clubs, and saw nasty porn on his computer. To say I was bewildered is an understatement.
As I've navigated this mountain of crap, I've changed my position on a lot of things many times. I've come to believe that SAs and addicts in general ARE sick. I have seen big changes in my brother (NA) and son (AA) and changes in my husband in some ways, but not in the fact and focus of his addiction.
Is it because he is sicker than others? Is it because, unlike drugs and alcohol, sex is part of life, a healthy life anyway, unless one has taken a vow of celibacy. Or is married to a sex addict, lol. Or maybe it's because he was ~58, too old to change a lifetime of addiction starting at age nine?
You are all right. I'm on a seesaw. He uses, I find out and get mad, he insists it's the last time, steps up his work, wash, rinse, repeat.
One thing that scares me is that I become complacent faster and faster. I'm tired of it all, bored with the work it takes, the therapy, the endless blah, blah, blah.
But. Always the but. We are okay day to day. We enjoy our time together, work like a team on projects, laugh a bit, and yes, talk about important stuff. I don't know anyone else (besides Marji!) who shares my passion for nature and birding and other geeky stuff. We like to travel together, aren't interested in some of that fancy trips my close friends enjoy. Neither of us is into fancy stuff. I don't like doing things alone, I just don't. His strengths are endless energy and enthusiasm, mine is organizing and keeping the trips going. We ARE a team.
If he were mean I'd leave. If he were flirting with, cheating with real women, I'd leave.
A few posts back I was asked the question "what do I want?" and was told to not thing magically, wishing it never happened. It's a good question, I can answer it partly.
Peace. I want peace. I want peace in the form of him really maintaining sobriety, but that's out of my control. I have to make my own peace. I have to actively enjoy my garden, my yoga, my cats, my daily routine.
I think we all have some kind of compromise we need to make when married to an SA. As long as we do it after our own therapy and soul searching and analyzing, and if we continue to think about it, measuring our needs as we go. Right now, I'm staying, doing lots of things for myself, lots of self care. I'm going to keep on doing that! Even went car shopping today
In the real world, in good news/bad news territory, my youngest kid is HOME for my birthday tomorrow! I've been dreading it...He works with sensitive medical equipment, cyclotrons, and the machine at a local hospital has been problematic for awhile. He' the "a" team so they flew him in on Friday, he was hoping to leave Saturday but he's stuck here while repairs are ongoing, or till next Friday when he leaves for vacation. I'm thrilled he's here but unhappy he's dealing with this much trouble. He's a bit of a cyclotron whisperer so he'll get it done.
The universe works in strange ways. Maybe this was a gift to me after I was handed so much crap in my life.