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BS Questions for WS's - Part 13

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HeartBreaker11 posted 2/28/2019 20:12 PM

Why the cruelty? My husband was mad at me a lot. He said tons of vicious things to me, mostly when I was questioning him about absence, lack of sex, missing money, etc.

I did this to my BH to justify the affair in my mind. I would pick a fight, he would take the bait and then I would think, "Aha! See, this marriage is so awful, we are always fighting. This is why having an affair isn't so bad!"

It was also a form of manipulation. If my spouse asked me a legitimate question that I didn't have a good answer to, I could change the entire course of the argument by having a stern/nasty reply. Suddenly we were no longer fighting about me being gone so much and instead were fighting because I called him a name. It was a way to change the subject to avoid getting caught.

I can't speak for your husband, but these were my tactics and it was really awful.

WilliamM posted 3/1/2019 14:00 PM

How has the sex you had during the affair affect the sex you know have with your spouse since the affair ended (if at all)?

How does you and spouse react to you intimately (but non-sexually) compared to before the affair?

TICKED OFF posted 3/3/2019 11:17 AM

Any WS's out there who still live close to the ap. If so, do you still have any feelings at all about the a, anything at all, good or bad?

Reason -- I still live 2 houses from op who was a friend. It's been 15 years to this very day that I caught them. Since then h has always said that passing by the house means nothing to him. I just don't see how he can't have any feelings good or bad after all that took place there. I know for sure if it had been me who was the ws I would be haunted daily by the sheer utter guilt of it all. (I refused to move and obviously ow and her h did the same) So here we sit, all still in the same neighborhood.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 4:50 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

ff4152 posted 3/3/2019 17:06 PM

Ticked off

I donít know if this counts but I live about 45 minutes away from my AP. Unlike you or you H, there is very little chance of me running into my AP.

That being said, I have reached the blessed state of meh with how I feel about my AP. At most I feel some pity for her but there are no lingering positive emotions concerning her. I have no desire to see her or every talk to her again.

The A is another matter entirely. I donít think Iíll ever feel anything but horror for what Iíve done. I have finally reached an understanding of what Iíve done. I can honestly say I would rather die than cheat again. My wife truly is the prize I was just too stupid to realize that then. Thankfully I know that now.

Barregirl posted 3/3/2019 18:44 PM

Hi TICKEDOFF. So the AP lives a few towns over from me, but works around the corner from my house and my BH and I are often in his town. We haven't run into him anywhere yet (and likely we won't). I am 10 momths from dday and I feel nothing for the AP at all. I don't think back with fond memories or look for him when out and about. I do feel guilt and shame about the A, and it is acute when my BH and I exit the highway in AP's town. Generally I will reach for my BH's hand then in the car and I always try to guage if he is ok, and apologize if he is not.

Darkness Falls posted 3/3/2019 19:12 PM


I donít think the A sex affects sex with my XBH. I think many factors affect it (it ranges from ďmehĒ to ďawfulĒ to ďdead bedroomĒ) but sex with the AP (which last was 9 years ago) isnít one of them.

TICKED OFF posted 3/4/2019 12:49 PM

Thank you ff4 and Barregirl.......I know that h lost all feelings for the ow within months after dday due to her bunny boiler crap that went on for two years. Ow and her h went after us with a vengeance with false police reports, court hearings, etc. All dumped because it was evident that they had made all the accusations up.

H soon figured out he was just a pawn on the board when he found out about ow's subsequent affairs with two other neighbors shortly there after. For this reason I can't understand why he stays silent when we pass the house. At least say something. Anything would do, but nope he just sits there like an jerk and says nothing at all. I understand there must be crazy guilt, but say something for crying out loud.

ff4152 posted 3/4/2019 14:09 PM

Ticked off

I would actually consider his silence as a good sign (if itís genuine). He is not allowing it to take up any more headspace. IMO, the best place to be is meh. Not anger, not sadness etc. Those two lunatics should occupy as little emotional space as possible. My AP has receded to a very distant place in my head. She feels like someone I knew long ago but donít really remember if that makes any sense

TICKED OFF posted 3/4/2019 15:54 PM

ff4152 - agreed...... I guess I will just leave it at that and consider it to be a big nothing at this point so many years later. Not the affair itself, that was a nightmare what with all the shit I had to go through afterwards. But more the fact that it's a nothing when h passes by the house.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 3:56 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

Brennan87 posted 3/5/2019 07:25 AM

Ticked off,

Itís crazy making for sure, to think that someone who destroyed others lives now views their co-conspirator as ďnothingĒ. Itís hurtful, that they feel nothing which translates to then why did you destroy us then? Itís huetdul, when they line for the AP, you destroyed us for ďluuuve.Ē So thereís really no ďwinĒ solution here. If he hates her, then itís an emotion heís feeling toward her. If he misses her, the same.
Ambivalence is the closest thing too a solution. As it demonstrates accountability for his actions. If there was hate or dislike then possibly heíd be blaming the AP. Not good. If feelings were still involved ďluvveĒ, then you know what that means.
Yes there are times when my WW sees the AP, is love her to say ďhe disgusts meĒ, but as I grow and heal, I prefer ďIím disgusted by my actions that I would ever engage with APĒ.
Most importantly, focus instead on you. As long as there is NC between the two, in the grand scheme what does it matter? Itís over now and your both on a healing journey (together). Focus on that as when you focus on your WS reaction to the AP, your letting the AP take up valuable headspace. They are NOt worth it.

Itís rough I get it. My WWs AP live 300 feet away. I see him way more than she does!

Hang in there!

TICKED OFF posted 3/5/2019 12:53 PM

"Brennan87" -- Thank you!!!!! Sucks to have to see that person at all anymore in a lifetime.

As far as seeing h's ow, I don't see her h too much. Ow and her h are like sewer rats. Fifteen years ago I made it a point to tell everyone on the block about h's a with ow. Ever since then both of them hide in their house (other than work) and run from the door to the car having no interaction with anyone..

The strange thing is that when her BS sees me, he glares at me like he wants me dead. Yet when I am with my h and we see him, he looks away. However you slice the pie, it's all very sad.

PeanutButterfly posted 3/5/2019 21:34 PM

Hello. I am new to this site and I havenít been able to read through all of these questions and answers so my question might be a repeat question.
My H is just starting to go to IC and itís been about 7 1/2 months from dday. We were having issues with our insurance and whatnot on getting professional help besides MC. I still have to look for an IC for me. Anyways, my H believes that the reason why he cheated was because he was sexually frustrated because we were not having much sex. His AP was ďjust as horny as he wasĒ as he puts it. He is going to IC to explore the reasons why he could do such a shitty thing to someone he loves so I canít expect him to know all the answers now as he is just starting IC to work on himself. I do not believe that his answers is correct because I still feel like in a way heís blaming me. Although he doesnít blame me and tells me over and over that he doesnít blame me and itís not my fault and itís his fault. He keeps saying that I didnít make him cheat, he chose to cheat and blah blah blah. He still thinks his answer doesnít put the blame on me. I feel like it goes like this, he was sexually frustrated at ME, therefore, heís blaming ME. He doesnít see it that way. He thinks it puts the blame solely on himself.
Ok my question to all the WS is what in yourself allowed you to cheat on someone you love? Can the answer just be ďwe didnít have enough sex so I found someone else willing to fuck me?Ē What answer do you believe is acceptable?

Barregirl posted 3/6/2019 05:39 AM

Hi PeanutButterfly. Welcome to SI, though I'm sorry you are here. In my mind, no answer will ever be acceptable to the what allowed yourself to cheat question. Cheating happens when the WS is broken in some way, whether that be poor coping strategies for life's stresses, an untreated personality disorder, or other mental health issues. Cheating is never the fault of the BS. You were both in the same shitty M, but only one broke vows.

The thing about the lack of sex (and any other M reason given by a WS), those are more like triggers than reasons. For example, in my own M, sex was infrequent and lackluster. This is not a reason to cheat. This is a trigger for my own issues to rear their ugly head (those parts of my personality that are deep down ugly like entitlement, selfishness, and a lack of empathy). Combine the issues with the trigger and the decision is made. I know my BH would have loved for our sex life to have been fantastic, as I would have, but instead of fixing us, I broke us further (an example of my terrible coping strategy here as my thinking was I need to orgasm from someone other than myself - and sorry for the tmi- and nothing my BH and I are trying has worked, so I can find it elsewhere). Digging deep in IC, I learned about my anxiety disorder and my issues with catastrophizing situations. So when I received a medical diagnosis that included a higher than I would like probability of death, I went off the rails. So after rambling along, I guess the point I am trying to make is that along the way all couples go through that "not enough sex" period, so it is not a reason. But it can be a factor (or trigger). The reason will be much deeper and will not blame the BS. Hope that helps.

Jimmy1962 posted 3/6/2019 07:53 AM

Former Wayward Wives I need your help!
Something that is important to me is secrets between my wife and her lover. She has answered many questions, but I am not satisfied with her answers about the sex. I have asked her if she enjoyed the sex, and her answer is "not really."
I feel that she is minimizing and outright lying. Any lie that she tells me is a secret she has with him. He was there, he knows if my wife had a good time. I feel that the story she tells me is not the same story he would tell someone if asked. I want the truth / secrets.
My question is: Former Wayward Wives have you EVER had sex and it not felt good or did you ever not like it. My wife had sex with him several times and she says that she never liked it and it never felt good! I feel she is lying to minimize hurting me. I can take the truth, I can't take lies.

wifehad5 posted 3/6/2019 14:51 PM

PM for you Brennan87

Barregirl posted 3/6/2019 15:59 PM

Hi Jimmy1962. Of course it is possible to have not good sex. As a man, sex with a new partner is exciting and thrilling. As a woman, sex with a new partner is usually like, "Let me draw you a map." While it can be exciting and be accompanied by the butterfly feeling, the sex itself is NOT always all that it's cracked up to be.
Many men (here on SI) hold to the theory that any sex is good sex. I tend to look at it a slightly different way. Imagine for a moment that you are a Scotch drinker and appreciate a good, high quality Scotch. You go into a bar and ask for your favorite brand. The bartender then gives you whatever well brand they have. It is still Scotch, but is it good? Highly unlikely. Sex is always sex, but it is not always good.
Your wife's AP may have found the sex amazing, but that does not mean your wife did as well. I wish I could give you an answer one way or another regarding her specific views, but I can't. I can tell you that sex with my AP was meh. Neither great nor horrible.

[This message edited by Barregirl at 4:00 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 3/6/2019 19:33 PM

Former Wayward Wives have you EVER had sex and it not felt good or did you ever not like it.

Not with the AP.

However, yes, with other partners. Two of those partners it was not good. One of those two, it was physically uncomfortable due to his size (bigger is NOT better in my opinion). The other, I just wasn't attracted to him like I thought I was before having sex. With a different partner, I was quite attracted to him, but again, a size issue.

Then there was the relationship that turned, at the end, into a coerced sexual relationship. It was never "mind blowing" with him even when we were consensually together, but towards the end, it was unbelievably awful. It made my skin crawl just for him to touch me, let alone to have sex. But, again, coercion/blackmail (long story).

So, yes, it's possible. My AP was my ex, though---and obviously I wouldn't have had a PA with him if I hadn't enjoyed the sex when we dated.

hikingout posted 3/6/2019 20:54 PM

Agree with darkness falls- I have had sex and not enjoyed it. Itís even happened a time or two with H. Women have to be in the right headspace to have quality sex.

Jimmy1962 posted 3/8/2019 07:21 AM

Barregirl, Hikingout, and darknesfalls.
Thank all of you for your answers to my question. My wife tells me that the sex was "just sex" and for me sex is always great. Even bad sex is good! If it was "just sex" with him for her, then what is sex with me to her. It will never make sense to me. I am OCD and if I get a thought on my mind I can not get it out until I figure it out. I have been constantly trying to figure out her affair for the last 20 months. I simply can not do it. She says she just liked the attention he gave her. I don't get it, but I suppose I must accept that as fact.

PeanutButterfly posted 3/8/2019 18:57 PM

Thank you Barregirl for your response.
So my WH wonít answer some of my questions. He feels so guilty that he doesnít like talking about the affair and ends up shutting down and not wanting to talk. Iíve ask him this question a few times and he doesnít want to answer it which really pisses me off. He feels that it wouldnít help us move forward but the point of him refusing to answer just really makes me so angry so I lash out.
My question to WS is what did you get out of the affair? I mean I know during the affair you got your ego boost or sex or whatever but after all is said and done, and you are out of the fog and the shit hit the fan, as of NOW what did you get out of the affair? Was it just another sexual experience, a newness with a new sexual partner that you can add to your list of people you had sex with? What was the goal?
My WH hasnít had much sex partners because we got together when we were both 19. Heís the only one Iíve been with and now heís got to add two new sex partners to his list all while being with me. All I got left with is heartache. Thank you in advance.

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