OK.. I'll bite.
Which, you know, I hate. Because that's pretty much what every BS gets told. No matter how shitty your spouse has been to you, be the bigger person, play by the rules, do the healthy and right thing to take care of this damaged person who has harmed and degraded themselves with an affair. Blah, blah, blah. Twelve years out, my guts still recoil at the injustice of that.
But in this case, it's sound advice. If you didn't like degrading your wife sexually prior to her affair, you're probably not that sort of person now, even when you're in pain. It would wreck you to actually demand it. I don't really give a fuck about whether or not it adds more damage to the hypothetical WW, but the subsequent stain of dishonor on the BH's soul just isn't worth it.
I agree with the first paragraph in spades. First off, let's just call it for what it really is, a WHOLE LOT of WS's aren't "broken" or "damaged" or "sensitive and hurt", they are just shitty people. At least at the time of the A they are. I know plenty of WH's in my personal/professional life, they aren't some beaten down broken guy. Nope. They are just over entitled assholes. Was my wife a beaten/damaged/FOO laden person? No, not really, and NOTHING compared to some (including me). She had a great childhood. She had a few tough relationships as a young woman, who the heck doesn't. No drug/drink issues, no mental health problems. Nope, just your standard, run of the mill cake eater who was sucked in by another man willing to tell her whatever it took to get into her pants. I'm SO sick of the general (better here than most places, for sure) he cheats, his fault, she cheats, his fault mantra that seems to surround female affairs.
With one exception, I NEVER saw anyone saying in the "I want what he got" threads saying "I want to degrade and hurt my wife". In fact, what I saw was a whole lot of pain for BH's, a whole lot of men who wanted to share and have intimate experiences with their wives that were denied them. Do I want to have my wife give me a BJ to hurt her? Of course not. I want her to do that because it's loving, intimate, feels good, and sexually exciting, hopefully for both of us. I agree, if you're looking for "what he got" as a way to hurt your WW, you need to check yourself. But, that's NOT what I see in the vast majority of the male posts on those threads.
I don't find it particularly strange that WWs will do all sorts of things with their APs that they won't do with their BHs. I also happen to agree that using coercion to force a woman to perform sexual acts with which she is clearly not comfortable isn't honorable or right. Being a BH doesn't give one the right to demand certain forms of contrition as a condition of reconciliation.
You don't need to be a BH to "demand" certain sexual acts. If I D'ed my W, and was dating again, you better believe it would be a requirement for the "good stuff" from anyone I was seriously dating. If it wasn't being offered freely, I'd move on. I'd tell them it was important to me, and they would be free to do it or not, but I'm NEVER going to be in this situation again of having OM swoop in and get all the sex that I wanted to have with my SO. Nope, not going to happen. It's just a requirement for me moving forward, I put myself last sexually for far too long in my M. Never doing it again. So my W can choose, she can decide to accept this or not, and she can look at it is a demand or a requirement, I really don't care. But I'm not going to push that part of myself down again, not for her, and not for any woman that might follow her should I D. It's a non-negotiable, the experience with my W has shown me that women are happy to do all the "kink" when they really want something, and will hold it back when they think they've got it "locked down". Well, guess what, if you (to my WW) or anyone else (to a potential new SO) want to "lock this down", that's just a hard requirement. Just like for my W, maybe love poems would be a hard requirement moving forward; or endless words of affirmation, or whatever else she feels was/is missing from our relationship.
I think (I hope) the #metoo movement encourages some much needed changes in our society. One in three women experience sexual assault at some point in their lives. Not just harassment, guys. Assault. It's one in six for men, btw. The vast majority of sexual assaults go unreported. Conviction rates for sexual assault are among the lowest for any form of crime (less than 10%).
If this is true, then there's something far more wrong about our society than a hashtag is going to fix. I was physically assaulted twice as a young man by women, and countless times in college I slept with women when I was too drunk to consent. Using the standards that prevail today, I'm in that 1-6 number many, many times over. But if those numbers are right, about 33% of men and 17% of women should be in jail for the rest of their lives. There's something wrong with that, just structurally, if you think about it. I can't put my finger on what it is, I really can't, but saying that 1-3 men and 1-6 women have committed a class A felony seems to scream to me that something is wrong. Are 33% of men rapists? That means that if you have 10 friends, 3 have raped someone.. Does that seem to make sense to you?
Men need to start calling out each other on this sick twisted bullshit. We need to teach our sons. We need to set the example and set the bar. We need to have the balls to stand-up to the pricks out there who think sexually assaulting our mothers, sisters and daughters is acceptable behavior. It's not manly. It's not macho. It's not cool, or funny. It doesn't make you an alpha-male. And so on and so forth.
Have you EVER met a man who thinks that? I've NEVER met a man who thinks that sexual assault is cool. I've met a WHOLE LOT of men who think it's cool to sleep with a lot of women by lying to them, but never have a met a man who said to me "Yeah, got her pass out drunk and then f**ked her". That's so "not cool" in my circles that if a man said it, I have no doubt, I, or one of my friends would call the police to report the rape.
I'm sure it's because I'm a man, but I do not see a "rape culture", and I work in a 95% male (with a whole lot of "alpha male" behavior) environment and only socialize with men. I've never heard a man joke about rape, never heard a man say "let me wait for her to pass out and then have my way with her" and never heard a man condone rape in any way. Ever. In my entire life. All I've ever heard from men, in fact, is "I'd kill anyone who hurt my daughter/wife/family/friends" when referencing rape.
Is there a lot of date rape? Yes, it's grossly unreported, I've been date raped 100's of times because of being too drunk to consent. But is there a culture that condones physically harming women, pouring drinks into them until they pass out, assaulting them, forcing them to have sex for promotions? If there is, I've never seen it.