Newest Member: Lilident

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread-Part 33

Topic is Sleeping.
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BrainFreeze ( Member #61754) posted at 8:57 AM on Saturday, September 8th, 2018

Now she seems like a cowering child most days.... STBXH

I remember thinking this about my wife too....

So much of this shit depends on the way our wives handle themselves.... hence, you have no control.

STBXH- I hope you can get to a place where you don’t give a hoot any more.... When you can truly let her go.... your mind will settle down .... I want you to get there.... Hell, I want to be there.... what the hell am I doing reading at 4AM?

Yeah, I’m a few in for the night....

Thinking about you bro!

Peace!

BH 49, WW 47
Married 24 years, DS16,DD17

You all know.

posts: 973   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2017
id 8243918
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 1:37 PM on Saturday, September 8th, 2018

What's a butfor?

Right now, at 7:30 a.m. my time zone after a few Dubbel IPA's at a local tap room last night, mine is for taking an epic dump.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:42 PM, September 8th (Saturday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8243963
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:21 PM on Saturday, September 8th, 2018

T/J - I doubt that I look good in spandex, but I wear it. It allows me to go farther and faster on my bike.

I haven't yet come across anyone who both objects to my wearing lycra and has the guts to confront me. I'm happy to read insulting threads on bike forums, though. I chuckle at the impotence of the objectors.

End T/J

My W was extremely scared, still is - but she knows you can do good work, even when she's scared. Fear is no excuse - doing the work is the way out of fear, in fact.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:22 AM, September 8th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25988   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8244040
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BrainFreeze ( Member #61754) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, September 8th, 2018

@Sisoon - I can see that... I refer to that as becoming desensitized to the situation by continually facing it. This is how I have tried to tackle all of my triggers.

My wife and I had one of our longest most open conversations ever last night about the EA vs PA issue. (Captain Rodgers references it today in General, and I wrote about the same thing in the ICR EA forum)

Anyway, she actually said to me "I have to get to the point where when I read about what I have done, I do not shut down afterwards." She was referring to me giving her grief about not reading as fast as I would like and it feeling to me as if she is blowing it off. (I know she is not, but that is what it feels like).... anyway... She was saying that she dreads reading because it takes her several days to "recover" from reading.... and it does. So even she sees that the way to proceed is through it... don't avoid it.

I guess that's a long winded way to say... I agree!!!!

BH 49, WW 47
Married 24 years, DS16,DD17

You all know.

posts: 973   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2017
id 8244075
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STBXH ( Member #60824) posted at 4:26 AM on Sunday, September 9th, 2018

Butforthegrace, amazing posts as usual. The parable was amazing. I shall steal that. I will also pose the “poison” question very soon.

And...

Brainfreeze!

STBXH- I hope you can get to a place where you don’t give a hoot any more.... When you can truly let her go.... your mind will settle down .... I want you to get there.... Hell, I want to be there.... what the hell am I doing reading at 4AM?

Yeah, I’m a few in for the night....

Thinking about you bro!

Peace!

Man, you guys have been so damn awesome to me. I want to cry knowing how kind anonymous strangers have been to me to take the time and help me thru this week.

I think I’m going to touch myself because of it...by “touch myself” I mean rub the fucking migraine out of my temples. Seriously, one day I will help someone like you guys have me.

BH (me) 40 something
WW same
DD 12 DS 9


“The person that can fuck someone else, gaslight and lie to your face about it, is the very same person that cannot understand the soul crushing devastation you face at the revelation of their actions.” —me

posts: 324   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2017
id 8244282
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STBXH ( Member #60824) posted at 4:32 AM on Sunday, September 9th, 2018

Sisoon, I suppose the cycling lycra is ok provided that the sponsor logos aren’t for Chiquita bananas or {INSERT PRODUCT RESEMBLING A PHALLUS HERE}....I’ll let you guys decide

BH (me) 40 something
WW same
DD 12 DS 9


“The person that can fuck someone else, gaslight and lie to your face about it, is the very same person that cannot understand the soul crushing devastation you face at the revelation of their actions.” —me

posts: 324   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2017
id 8244283
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Casgo ( New Member #53978) posted at 12:24 PM on Sunday, September 9th, 2018

Hi there. I’m new to this and have a question. How do you get over the fact that your wife put another man inside her?

posts: 10   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2016
id 8244348
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 1:13 PM on Sunday, September 9th, 2018

Casgo: The short answer is that you don't get over it. It will haunt you for the rest of your life, no matter what you do. This is the "shit sandwich" we refer to so often here. Your WW serve you a shit sandwich. How will you ever forget the day you started eating and suddenly realized you had a mouth full of shit, and that your WW intentionally did that to you?

It's a trauma. Imagine your WW standing next to your bed as you slept, and then, out of the blue, smashing your knee with a baseball bat. How do you "get over" that? You will limp for the rest of your life. You will have throbbing pain on cold, humid nights. Etc.

What does happen is that you figure out how to live your new life in spite of your injury. Part of that is figuring out how you can be as happy as possible. You will never be as happy as you used to be, but the salient question going forward is whether you can find more inner peace and happiness without your WW in your life any more. Many men decide to leave the M, even though they love their wife, because seeing her is such a painful reminder of what she did.

I'd suggest posting your full story over on Just Found Out. You'll get a lot of helpful input there.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8244357
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, September 9th, 2018

I agree with a lot of what Butforthegrace writes, but I think I'm happier now than before my W's A, and I was a happy man before the A. I also think R requires work by both partners.

At this point, I urge you to let go of the outcome. Heal yourself; that prepares you to D, to R, and to wait before deciding. Take control of your own life, feelings, actions.

Work to let go of your anger, grief, fear, and shame. That doesn't mean stuffing your pain; I mean finding safe ways to express it and let it go. (This is a long-term project - lots of pain takes lots of time to process. And note that there's no logical reason for shame, but most of us feel it anyway.)

Have faith in yourself to heal.

Let your W take care of her own healing. If she does the work, she'll be a good candidate for R, and R is possible, if you want it.

You get to choose - D, R, or wait for more info. But IMO, BSes need to heal some before they can make the best decision for themselves.

****************

I've gotta brag about reaching a milestone that seemed beyond my reach.

I used to ride my bike at 16-18 mph; that was 30-odd years ago. Towards the end of the Summer, I'd ride 100-150 miles on the weekend, with 150-200 miles normal for a week. One year I rode 2000 miles between mid-May and mid-October while holding a full-time IT job - on call 24 X 7, typically at work or commuting 11-12 hours/day.

I stopped riding in '92, rode again 2001-2003, stopped. On 7/5/13, I was watching the Tour de France on TV, and I remembered I used to enjoy riding my bike. I turned off the TV, pumped up my tires, and started riding.

But I was slow. Slow. An hour to do a 10 mile ride. I got a little faster each year, but I still rode slow.

My local bike club has rides at various speeds - 10-12 mph, 13-15 mph, 15-17, 17+. Up to now, I've had to go with the slowest group.

Over the last month, I've been riding faster consistently. I'm now capable of staying with the 13-15 mph group. And even though I'm faster now than at any time in the past 6 years, I recover faster, too. I am very happy about this.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25988   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8244602
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WhoIsThisWoman ( Member #27424) posted at 2:25 PM on Monday, September 10th, 2018

Hey guys...

Just wanted to check in...

I've been away from the site for 3 years and things were going great...

Then on labor day, I picked up my kids at 10AM and my youngest (8) says mommy has a date today and is going for a balloon ride. Now I know my ex has dated other men and I really don't care but to hear my daughter say it, hit a nerve.

So my kids and I have our day together and drop them off at 6:45 PM (15 minutes early) and their mom isn't home. So we go in and wait another 45 minutes before she gets home. So no issues other than she has run late, but of course I'm remembering her leaving my kids alone to be with her AP, so I'm a bit triggered.

Then I get to talk with my 18yo son the next night and it turns out this guy has already been introduced to my daughters as he and my ex have taken them to the movies. I also find out that she left my kids alone Sunday morning while they were all asleep to have breakfast with this guy. Now this isn't a big deal really as my sons are 18 & 21, but nobody knew where she was. My 18yo called her and then left for church with his girlfriend, leaving my girls alone with their 21 yo brother sleeping. Triggered again...

So of course, in my mind I roll back 8 years and my mind won't stop.. I'm not happy about some other guy being in my kids life, can't believe my ex didn't give me a heads-up, my children said nothing to me (why?), what if they get married.. ugh...

So, I reach out to my support system (friends/family) and they calm me down a bit. But I have to say that my visit to SI with a simple message from Lawyerman, and a image on this thread about coffee made me laugh and set me straight.

Since Labor Day, I've had a talk with all of my kids and told them they didn't have to keep it a secret and if they were uncomfortable about anything, they can talk to me. I've asked my 18yo to keep an eye out for her leaving my girls alone. I remember not to expect any decency from my ex and she is only worried about herself (so I have to say focused on protecting my kids). And most of all, I realize that no guy is going to take my place with my kids...

So thanks guys... It's good to know there is such a support group just a click away...

Me: 40 yo
STBXWW: 41 yo
Married 15 years, 4 kids.
EA in '07
PA in '09 (same OM)

posts: 260   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2010   ·   location: PA, USA
id 8244882
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:03 PM on Monday, September 10th, 2018

And most of all, I realize that no guy is going to take my place with my kids...

This is so true. No one can ever take the place of a true loving parent.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4449   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8244914
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WornDown ( Member #37977) posted at 4:28 AM on Tuesday, September 11th, 2018

Casgo: The short answer is that you don't get over it. It will haunt you for the rest of your life, no matter what you do. This is the "shit sandwich" we refer to so often here. Your WW serve you a shit sandwich. How will you ever forget the day you started eating and suddenly realized you had a mouth full of shit, and that your WW intentionally did that to you?

It's a trauma. Imagine your WW standing next to your bed as you slept, and then, out of the blue, smashing your knee with a baseball bat. How do you "get over" that? You will limp for the rest of your life. You will have throbbing pain on cold, humid nights. Etc.

Jesus. WTF?

Casgo: I presume your W wasn't a virgin when you married her, right?

Well, it's kind of like that. With time it'll kind of fade into the background. Yes, it'll pop in your head very now and then, but it fades.

ANd, if it doesnt, well, this was a complete deal breaker for you. But it takes time - as in years, not weeks.

Post your story in JFO, or here if you feel more comfortable. We're here to help you through this.

Me: BH (49)exW (49): Way too many guys to countThree kids (D22, D21, S18)Together 25 years, married 18Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3351   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 8245474
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BrainFreeze ( Member #61754) posted at 7:20 PM on Friday, September 14th, 2018

Happy Friday Guys!

Did somebody say Beer?

OK... I'll do it...

Beer ME!!!!!

Have a fantastic weekend guys

BH 49, WW 47
Married 24 years, DS16,DD17

You all know.

posts: 973   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2017
id 8247711
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 10:03 PM on Friday, September 14th, 2018

Gonna be having some cold ones myself this evening. Got a growler of IPA at a local tap room. In my fridge with my name on it.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8247788
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WhoIsThisWoman ( Member #27424) posted at 11:07 PM on Friday, September 14th, 2018

Heading up to PSU tonight to have some beers and hang with my friend who has an RV and season tickets.

Here's to good friends I owe a beer to...

Me: 40 yo
STBXWW: 41 yo
Married 15 years, 4 kids.
EA in '07
PA in '09 (same OM)

posts: 260   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2010   ·   location: PA, USA
id 8247807
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Tred ( Member #34086) posted at 1:18 AM on Saturday, September 15th, 2018

Heading up to PSU tonight to have some beers and hang with my friend who has an RV and season tickets.

Sounds like a great time! We were going to be at the UVA game tomorrow, but they moved it to Nashville because of the hurricane. I have a hunch that won't impact my beer drinking. Gives me some time to catch up on some yard work. Or golf. One way or another I'm making holes in the ground tomorrow.

Happy Friday Menz!

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5786   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8247850
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STBXH ( Member #60824) posted at 10:00 PM on Saturday, September 15th, 2018

Hope our Eastern Seaboard friends are ok! Hurricane Florence is a big bitch. Hope our thoughtful WW pinkpiggy is ok too...

I feel bad cause it's 76F and sunny with a good seabreeze over here.

BH (me) 40 something
WW same
DD 12 DS 9


“The person that can fuck someone else, gaslight and lie to your face about it, is the very same person that cannot understand the soul crushing devastation you face at the revelation of their actions.” —me

posts: 324   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2017
id 8248224
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 12:19 PM on Sunday, September 16th, 2018

Pliny!

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8248491
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STBXH ( Member #60824) posted at 6:50 AM on Monday, September 17th, 2018

Butforthegrace....

Just like real tomato catsup....NOTHING BUT THE BEST!

BH (me) 40 something
WW same
DD 12 DS 9


“The person that can fuck someone else, gaslight and lie to your face about it, is the very same person that cannot understand the soul crushing devastation you face at the revelation of their actions.” —me

posts: 324   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2017
id 8248820
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 2:25 PM on Friday, September 21st, 2018

Okay, men, it's Friday. I have some Alt and some Pils from our local craft brew, one that specializes in faithfully creating the two traditional German biers, and I'm heading over to a mate's house to make something out of wood. Have some gorgeous cedar in hand. Bier. Pizza. Woodworking tools. A righteous way to spend a Friday evening.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8251438
Topic is Sleeping.
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