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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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Superesse posted 7/15/2018 09:44 AM

burn, I am sorry to say it, but to me, your WH's cover story sounds far-fetched. That is because I doubt his boss was given the wrong date and time for a planned company event, before making reservations and approving your WH's travel. It just seems "unlikely." I am wondering if something else was planned ahead of time, to add the extra day out of town, that your WH didn't mention to you, and he is using "the boss" as a firewall, betting you won't ask the boss about their "change of plans." I could see my WH doing the same thing; whenever he didn't make the schedule changes, he felt zero obligation to keep me informed. But somebody knows....

In this case, I would be getting names, contact information for the coworker, and see what you can find online about that scheduled "town hall." Look at company websites, etc.? If nothing else is helpful online, or you see nothing about the event, could you ask his boss about this, in a way that would verify his story, without arousing too much curiosity?

Again, I am sorry you are dealing with this. Knowledge is power. Stay strong!

Superesse posted 7/15/2018 10:17 AM

rebplay, thanks for the explanations about therapy effectiveness, with children on the spectrum. I know it is a big field for research. My alma mater has a program in that area. For those of us who married an undiagnosed individual who never got any childhood interventions, I wonder whether similar techniques could help our spouses?

In day-to-day living with my WH, the things he does or doesn't do, often come across like he just doesn't give a hoot about whatever I'd asked him to remember. Here is a silly but unfunny example: I ask him "Please don't let our dog dig a hole in the gravel by the garage door, while she is tied up watching you work. I could turn my ankle in it, or your customer could. Please either shorten her leash, or use her crate." Next day, our dog has the hole dug out again....I almost step in it....and he shrugs his shoulders. Rinse and repeat. This same thing has happened at least 6 times....) What I tend to think is, either his memory of our discussions disappears when he is pre-occupied with work, he just doesn't care, or he deliberately thinks it's fun to defy any request I have made. In any case, he doesn't seem to anticipate what the dog wants to do! Dogs like to dig. But, recognizing that would involve thinking outside his own mind. He swears he isn't allowing it to happen, over and over, just to annoy me....

Anna81 posted 7/15/2018 17:20 PM

Hi guys

New on this forum and was recommended to me by a netmums user that am a member of.

I donít know where to start but I can relate to all of you guys. Am BW who found out in May this year my Husband of 22 yearshas been paying for sex. Yes you heard right paying for sex.
I found out as one of his work friends told me as he to was paying for sex at one time and decided enough is enough and told my husband to pack it in but he wouldnít. When he told me I thought he was saying it for my best interest but later realised he had and ulterior motive.
I confronted my husband who originally denied it and finally came clean after I took an overdose and hit my car into a wall ending up in hospital. He broke down and cried and said it was a mistake that he made and would never do it again.
I then showed him all the texts from his work friend that declared his love for me thatís right his work friend said to leave my husband and sleep with him or even marry him bearing in mind heís already married.
The more I questioned my husband the more I realised he had been at it for 10 months and probably slept with prostitues on many occasions. My heart broke I felt like the world crumbled before me as I thought we had a fantastic marriage with a great sex life and I am 15 years younger than my husband. I was a total mess and started to self harm myself.
I struggled to cope with this information coming to light I just couldnít understand why why why. I asked him repeatedly why but he had no answer. I asked him was I notbenough fornhim he said that was not the case I asked was there sex better he said no so I asked why he said he doesnít know maybe because there bodies were younger firmer and toned as they were in there 20ís and I turned 40 last month.
Iím 40 with slim build and height of 5í10. I know thereís a huge gap in our age but I loved perhaps still love him.
I pleaded with him to tell me why as that answer was not enough as how younger did he want them and we both knew when it came to looks I was told I could be a model and never once thought of anyone or anything apart from my husband. I have 3 children 15, 16 and 22 who are not aware of anything as I did not want to break there faith in there dad as he was or shall I say is the best of the best dads and loves his children.
The weeks to follow were so hard I could not cope my head was all over the place and my heart felt like it had been ripped out and stamped on.
Our marriage started of rocky as we had many family members that didnít approve of it and financially we struggled in the first 10 years. In the last 7/8 years we were the most happiest couple alive and i worshiped the ground my husband walked on. He was my soul mate my best friend my everything so when I found out you can imagine why I broke. My birthday my 40th was few weeks later and he went above and beyond a week later was our anniversary and he took me away for the weekend. That was the first we were intimate since I found out and I cried as all I could think of was these women he paid to have sex with.
He tries his best he reassures me was no fault of mine but the wrong crowd he got involved with at work. At that time I didnít trust him or believe him. 8 weeks down the line Iím starting to believe him I feel Iím stupid and foolish but my heart tells me heís telling the truth even though my head is telling me donít.
I still have moments through out the day where I think back to what he did and it sickens me to my stomach where I want to be sick.
My husband claims he stopped in April and decided he wouldnít go back there even though his work friend claimed he hadnít he is now sacked as mangers found out and they asked him to leave for asking me to leave my husband and be with him.
I could go on and on and on but few Iíve siad too much already.
I do love my husband and want to work this out but Iím scared to let him go out on an evening now with anyone.
He tries on daily basis with me and at times I fee like telling him to just back off but instead go numb and listen to his shit
I guess il never know the real reason of why he did what he did as he says he does not know himself
Iím so exhausted and tired mentally drained from this and feel like fucking his friend and say ok mate now weíre even Stevens but thas my anger and hurt talking.
If anyone has any adv to offer me pls do as Iím struggling so much to cope at times.
Thereís so much more to this my stupidity for a start trusting him with my heart even when I sensed something was not right in January I thought maybe as he lost his mum few months prior he was sad.
He was the best of the best husband always supported me encouraged me and stood by my side thatís why Iím so hurt and broken.
Iíve not told anyone as to embarrassed to tell anyone but post on forums such as this where Iíve been advised to leave him or teach him a lesson which I donít want to do as I donít want to throw away 22 years of marriage and believe he wonít donit again.
Sorry guys if Iíve ranted on to much

Maclou posted 7/15/2018 18:09 PM

Welcome Anna,
Youíve come to the right place. You will get lots of support here.

Iím sorry to hear of what youíve been through. Itís very early days and Iíd imagine youíre still in shock. You need to take care of yourself. Keep hydrated, get sleep if you can. Make sure that you eat and above all get tested for STIs.

Have you started/considered starting counsellimg? Youíre dealing with a major trauma and you could really do with some one on one support from someone whoís not directly involved.

The weekend can be slow here but others will be along with more advice.

Superesse posted 7/15/2018 21:08 PM

Welcome again, Anna. So very wrenching to discover this kind of betrayal! I suspect there is much more to know about this double life, than what you've just learned from a coworker who had "ulterior motives." ((((Anna81)))), sending hugs.

I just will not ever understand the mindset of these men, but please know, you are so not alone.

sami1234 posted 7/16/2018 07:14 AM

Welcome Anna81. Yes the revelation that your H is living a double life is very traumatizing. We have been there. The fact that the person you share your life with is doing the unthinkable, it's very tough to learn that. It's a blow to your entire system. It's new. Do what the others have suggested and take care of your physical self, your mental and spiritual self, focus on you right now.

It is never going to make sense. I think that is one of the most difficult things for me. I'm three years past, he seems a changed man but I am still shaking my head in disbelief.

Take care of you. ((((hugs))))

rebplay posted 7/16/2018 10:33 AM

Anna- so sorry you find yourself here, but youíre among friends here. Talk openly, we try to support, not knock you over the head with harshness. You are definately fresh out. Your world is spinning, nothing makes sense, seems unreal. You canít concentrate, your mind races, itís crazy making. Know that time helps. Try to do the basics- get out of bed, do something productive, eat, drink fluids, take a shower. The basics are tough right now. Know that these men donít tell the total truth in the beginning, if ever. Theyíre embarrassed and ashamed and they think keeping things from us will make it not seem as bad, obviously not true. For you, with your self harm and suicude attempt, Iím suspecting you have long standing mental health needs like depression. Nothing to be ashamed of but they have to be addressed. Youíre in a super low,bad place right now and thereís a potential for more self harm. Also know, there is NO excuse for your hís infidelity. You have done nothing wrong and donít deserve it. I too thought my marriage was good when my h cheated. Give yourself some time before you make any major life decisions. First and foremost, take care of you. The focus is you right now, not your whís needs. Be kind to yourself.

3chimom posted 7/16/2018 14:32 PM

Hi Everyone. I stubbled upon this message board and hoping I can find some support and others that can relate to what I'm going through. My LT BF of 9 years recently starting secretly seeing prostitutes to get BJs. Being pretty savvy with IT, I monitored his activity and ended up catching him red handed ( coming out of the girls motel room ). After some talking and desperately trying to figure out why this was happening, he told me that he has been battling some ED issues and has felt so inadequate being unable to " satisfy" me sexually due to his inability to maintain an erection for long periods. I didn't realize this was an issue and always just chalked it off to excessive drinking ( which may still be part of the cause ). I never belittled him, but do recall many times where I would get frustrated and angry when he would turn me down for sex. I always assumed he was uninterested in me, that something was wrong with me and of course I would become heartbroken. So now he says it was all because of embarrassment, shame and a feeling of inadequacy. His solution to make himself feel better and try and figure out the cause of this ED was to go to a hooker! What!? How is that any type of help ? He said how there was no expectation with them, it didn't matter how he performed and in the process maybe his ED would be figured out and he could be a " man" with me again. Is this absurd ? Is this even possible ? I feel so betrayed and feel as though I'm being asked to believe a preposterous story. Has anyone ever heard this excuse ? I'm going through so many emotions right now and feel so betrayed, stupid, worthless, unimportant, disrespected.... and on and on and on.
Please help me understand if you can. I'm devastated

marji posted 7/16/2018 16:05 PM

Anna--Im almost 3 years out like sami1234i and have much the same experience. My H is very different than he was before discovery-much better--I am not in extreme shock any more but it's always there.

Many of us find working with an IC is very helpful; some of us go to betrayal support groups. It's very important to focus on self-care-proper rest and nutrition, being with people who care for you and whom you like to be with-what you share is entirely your business but be with good people. There's a lot to read about betrayal if you're so inclined; there's a Healing Library here on SI (top left) but also many good books on the market these days and they're easy to access. My H and I did a lot of reading--much of it aloud.

Many people find it helpful to journal--getting thoughts and feelings down on paper--if you're dealing with high anxiety then a mindfulness program can be of help--taking walks in nature, music, hobbies, jigsaw puzzles. Some activities can just give our minds a rest and that can help in the processing of the trauma that our learning of their double life creates.

Good that you have found SI and the EI group. You will be alright, Anna but this takes time and lots of work. But the work can work. You are not alone. SI is here for you 24/7.

marji posted 7/16/2018 16:20 PM

3chimom I have no way of knowing if your bf is telling the truth. I do know that people can be very weird in their feelings, their tastes and their actions--all sorts of very strange things can be true.

So perhaps he is telling you what he believes to be true. But who knows? Maybe he doesn't know himself.

But what truth you do know is that this man has been unfaithful; he has been living a double life; if he's not lying about his reasons, he was living a lie. What is also true is that when we discovery what our partners and spouses have been doing, when we learn of their creepy, dishonest violation of us, our trust, our health, when we discover the truth it is traumatizing.

I felt more disgusted than hurt and very very confused. Im three years out now after discovering my husband of 34 years had been going twice weekly to parlors for the past ten years. How pukey is that. They are sick people and very selfish.

So like many others here on SI, I understand what you are experiencing and I urge you to tend to self care--See if you can find a good IC to work with; do not spend energy on deciding to stay or go but use that energy to heal yourself--be sure to get proper rest; do not isolate yourself--I felt very humiliated; I felt dirty--his crap but I felt dirty; go figure. Try to use your time to regain a sense of balance--it's all about processing the trauma now. Great that you found SI--you might also find help in IRL support groups.

You're not alone in this. Unfortunately too many men are doing what your bf did--and they all have their various "reasons." Some want more sex, some want different kind of sex, some want energy free sex; some want . . . . .it's all over the place. In a sense it doesn't matter. What they did was wrong and now we have to work extra hard to regain peace with our lives and peace with ourselves.

But we can; some stay with their betrayer; some divorce. You have time to decide that issue later on--for now, just try to take care of yourself and trust that you will be alright.

3chimom posted 7/16/2018 18:48 PM

Thanks for the encouragement Marji. This is just so unbelievable. And then on top of it, I find myself occasionally having feelings of guilt or feelings of blame ! Me ... to blame ? Why would these thoughts even cross my mind? I did nothing wrong. I haven't been living this double life of deception and disrespecting my partner. We had an initial moment of tears and him saying how sorry he was and how he didn't want to lose his family and his life with me. But now, several days after discovery, I sit in my house and I'm getting the silent treatment. He's been hiding in the spare bedroom for days with no interaction; like he's having a little pity party for himself. How can he not be begging for forgiveness and apologizing day after day. I've requested he be out of the house by tomorrow, until we can heal and decide our future.
I will work on getting some counseling for myself this week. Right now I feel so helpless and destroyed.

sami1234 posted 7/16/2018 21:33 PM

I feel so betrayed, stupid, worthless, unimportant, disrespected.... and on and on and on.

3chimom you are betrayed, and disrespected. You are not stupid, worthless or unimportant.

Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. I think some space is good for you if that's what you feel you need now. This is NOT your fault, I repeat, this is NOT your fault. Take care of yourself.

marji: you are three years out...not in extreme shock any more either, but I still don't adore him like he wants me to. I don't feel close or connected, just like we are just better friends...but that's it really. He is a better person, I'm proud of how hard he has worked on himself, I can say that, it's just that I don't feel the same way about him anymore. Maybe I never will.

So WH has gotten a very scary medical diagnosis. We need more tests but I can't help thinking that fast living and the way he approached life before Dday has so much to do with this diagnosis. D-day made him realize he needed help, now this diagnosis will necessitate even more change. This is definitely going to affect both of our lives. He is lucky to have me, I want to feel lucky to have him. I am all about diet, exercise, chill, meditation, staying in the moment and being grateful for the small things...all the things he has needed so desperately to learn. Why can't some of us learn lessons without being hit over the head with a 2x4?

marji posted 7/16/2018 22:26 PM

3chimom I am so sorry that you have to endure all this. I think it's good that you have asked him to leave--he seems very deep into shame and regret--you said self-pity--Im sure that's right; my H had serious bounts of that too. They can be deeply ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated for the being found out in the deeply shameful, humiliating things they've done. I suspect this type of behavior is far more humiliating for them upon discovery than a so-called traditional affair. But that's their trauma to deal with. We have ours.

Good that you are seeking counseling; if you can also find an IRL support group that can help too. I think we typically ask, "what's wrong with me" we ask "why wasn't I enough?" and they often say, "I don't know" or "it had nothing to do with you" or whatever they say. Doesn't really matter--they did what they did and it was gross.

But again, you will be alright 3chi, just time and work; spend good time with others; spend good time with your kids. I felt like everything was sullied after discovery--I put all his photos away--couldn't bear to look at the all those times I didn't know--But the huge disgust eases with time; doesn't necessarily go away but it eases. And your feelings about staying together may change a zillion times over the year. Just go with the flow; work on your own healing (not the M per se) and you will see; you'll start to feel better and come to a place of peace and joy again.

rebplay posted 7/17/2018 15:22 PM

Chimom- im sorry you find yourself here but we try to be supportive and understand how you feel. You will go through a crazy bought of emotions for quite awhile. Youíll blame yourself, blame him, be angry, be sad, cry, feel numb, etc, all of it normal. Your perspective and balanced world is on a tilt-to-whirl. Itís crazy making. If you need space from him right now then get it. Not making any major decisions about divorce or reconciliation right now is usually whatís suggested as your mind will be all over the place and making decisions is difficult right now. Heck just getting out of bed is difficult right now. Itís normal to have trouble focusing and doing the little daily stuff. Be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Your wb may give you all the reasons in the world for cheating, thereís no acceptable excuse. Itís never ok to cheat. Heís going to have to get to a place where he can be remorseful to work on reconciliation if thatís what you decide you want. Thereís no right or wrong choice though. Youíll figure out whatís right for you.

rebplay posted 7/17/2018 16:08 PM

Sami- I understand what you said about being better friends but not as close. I feel the same way. I think just recently I feel a little more caring but itís been very slow coming. But I
Still donít feel like itíll be close to the old way ever again. I donít think it can for me. I always have a little suspicious filter when he talks, I still wonder how could he have done it, i
Still wonder if he every really loved me, I wonder if he really feels as much as I thought it did, etc. Iíll just never feel safe again. But we get along well overall on the day to day (which funny I thought we did before too) but we feel like good friends and thatís something. Iím kinda glad not to be alone although I know I can take care of myself if I had to.

sami1234 posted 7/18/2018 07:58 AM

Replay do you tell WH this is how you feel? Or do you allow him to think things are really good? I know my WH is so happy with the "progress" we have made, and I do see a big change in him. That really upsets me because I was never the one so unhappy and so now we have fixed all the things that he was unhappy with and I am left with fear, distrust and wondering who I am married to. He said during Dday that these things happened because there were "problems' in the marriage. I tell him there are bigger problems now for me. I know that scares him because he is trying but the issues of infidelity and trust are SO much bigger than anything we might have been dealing with before. Perhaps I am just too honest.

rebplay posted 7/18/2018 08:33 AM

Sami- weíre alike in the honest department. My h knows how I feel. I donít hit him with 2x4 infidelity related comments like I used to but Iíve explained to him that it affects everything now. And Iíll check in with him from time to time and ask if heís had any urges to do anything etc. Iíve told him multiple times previously I felt like we were really good roommates and thatís it, but I try not to say that lately and try to make it more. I even told him before our anniversary when I was struggling that I felt so lonely. Iíve always been probably too honest. But thatís the sad part too. I really thought heíd be honest with me like telling me straight out what was bothering him so we could work on it. Iím shocked and feel stupid I thought it was receptacle honesty and upfrontness. So yes, Iím honest about things but try not to be so harsh about it now (harsh comments about the infidelity fallout). Although from time to time I still get upset and may say something harsh. He knows I still check his phone when I get the urge, I still donít like him to have much cash on him, etc etc.

rebplay posted 7/18/2018 08:38 AM

Super- I forgot to answer you about the adult thing. Yes, I think some of the same techniques would work with adults but I think adults are just harder and slower to change. I donít know a lot about progress with adults so Iím just telling you what I think. Sorry I canít help more. Has your h offered to help anymore lately?

Superesse posted 7/18/2018 13:40 PM

Thanks, rebplay, for your opinin on what the chances might be for adult ASD improvement.... You know that "silly" example I gave y'all the other day? Yesterday, I came around the corner of the barn and there was our dog, with the same hole dug back open, just outside the garage door. Right where we walk.

WH claimed that just a minute or two earlier, he had decided to lengthen her leash so she could get outside when he started a car in the shop. Despite all the previous discussions we have had, he still apparently couldn't anticipate that she would dig that hole back out - for the 7th or 8th time - in less than 1 minute, and then I would show up ! Haha... Hahaha....there is a large kennel just behind the garage, all hers. He can't take time to put her in it. I guess to him, it's okay if she digs that hole back, yet again, despite all his assurances to the contrary. Makes it so hard to believe anything he says he will change, when even simple things like this keep happening. Some women would just give up all hope for improvement, is that where I am going wrong?

marji posted 7/18/2018 16:27 PM

Hi reb--just had to tune in today--the anniversary--I think 36 years--
and yes, decent enough but so not the same as pre d-day. I had a trigger thought--mentioned it--he always apologizes --I mean what else can he do--says he will do everything possible to make the time going forward good--and most days it's fine enough--but yes, life can never be the same again. And the irony is, that in some ways he is better partner--he is 200% more attentive--but even that can have cause a certain sadness ---a passing thought of "too bad it took all that horrible, violating, disgusting, exploitative, deceptive and just plain gross betrayal to now have this person." It's a person I can only enjoy to a certain extent.

I keep track of all the money now and I know that if and when he has to be away for any time, I will probably check--if I have the energy because this stuff is exhausting.

Going for dinner tomorrow night instead of today but that's fine and it's a very lovely place--I'm good at saying thank you and "I very much appreciate . . . ." I just can't say ILY and I can't be affectionate as in even taking his hand though I feel that my allowing him to take mine has been progress--couldn't do that for at least a year.

Super How about a big, bold, beautiful sign posted near the crucial spot. I know, they should be doing what we ask, they should want to do what we ask and what we need especially if it's for safety--but . . . .and yes, for sure some women just stop trying to change them even when the habit continues to be a problem. But who knows? Wonder if he'd be more careful if he was the one to hurt his foot because of that hole? Not wishing, just speculating

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