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While waywards slowly inch towards the line that should not be crossed, do they consciously or subconsciously count on BS reconciling with them, and therefor, more inclined to choose having an affair? My experience of betrayal was my Wayward Fiance' seemed surprised I broke off our relationship.

It was as if she was saying, "why are you breaking off the engagement?" Are you serious? I just f'd this guy for a few months, but he meant nothing to me and you're the one I want to be with." To me, those two statements don't go together. The third sentence was actually said verbatim.

I was disturbed that she thought of me as someone she could cheat on and still return to me. I felt betrayed and then disrespected after her confession and attempt at reconciling, as the attempt was her making the statement, 'I not only had an affair, but I'll have had it and we'll proceed with our engagement and marriage as well'.

Considering the risks the WS assumes when deciding to affair and then sustain it, is it fair to say, the risks were weighed and even though the losses were not commensurate with the rewards, risks were taken anyway thinking they'd deal with the fallout and expected reconciliation later? Perhaps I'm seeking logic in an illogical situation.

For context, this happened 20 years ago before I married the person I met after breaking off the aforementioned engagement.

Nm...

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:38 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Mine did, she thought that after she got called out that “ if you love me as much as you say you do I thought it would carry us through it.” Just don’t get it

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 7:52 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I’m BPD which means I (before IC and meds) acted impulsive without thinking. I had the emotional equivalent of an 6 year old.

The ugly truth is we don’t think you will find out. We think the situation is under control, and we compartmentalize the rest. If we sat down and were logical about it at the time we wouldn’t cheat in the first place. The reactions we show when the significant other finds out can be many things but it sounds like to me she wasn’t remorseful and I think you did the right thing. When I confessed, I really didn’t know what would happen and I knew my husband had a right to want to end the marriage.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:57 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I knew how far I could push what I thought was her unconditional love. I banked on her not leaving. I took her for granted. I took advantage of her and her character. I took advantage of alot of things about her. Her desire to have a family unlike her childhood. Her stronger than normal moral and ethical values. What I didn't realize was that she would stop loving me. What I didn't realize was that she could still be her and stay and not have the love and passion and respect. It killed me. I did really truly believe if she found out she would never forgive me though.

No, I knew he’d divorce me.

My husband was shocked...like chin on the floor shocked that I wanted a divorce. He obviously thought this event was no more egregious than the time i learned he was gambling with a bookie, or doing cocaine at work. He knew i’d put up with a lot of bulshit in our marriage and he figured he’d kick the ground, give me an “aw shucks” and let him off with a lecture.

Now, he knows the price he’ll be paying should i learn of any more lies, affair related or not.

I believe my WS thought I'd never never find out. Over time he just got careless. I think he was unsure what I would do. He knows this is his only chance now.

My wife never weighed the outcome either. She just thought she'd never get caught, even though she was a textbook cheater.

My H has told me that he knew I’d leave him but was confident I wouldn’t find out. However, there for a time, I’m positive he would have been okay with D, because he was utterly smitten with OW1.

Anyone who knows me in person knows I'm a very nice guy, probably nice to a fault. So my wife was shocked when my forgiveness was not immediately forthcoming. That's not my conjecture. She has actually admitted to this. She was counting on me to just be a good trooper and sweep it under the rug.

In addition to this website and others like it, I have to give credit to my niece, even though I am her elder, for the coaching and encouragement she gave me in those first few days and several months I bore the devastation of discovering the affair. I was such a passive guy that believe it or not, it was something of a news flash to me that I did not automatically have to forgive for this offense. She told me that if her boyfriend ever cheated on her, she would leave him in an instant - even though she is also a very nice and sweet person. I'm a much stronger person now. I'm much different than I used to be after doing my time in the wilderness.

[This message edited by OneLittleVictory at 10:31 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Thought I’d leave for good. Surprised i ended up sticking around.

My WS told me he honestly didn't think about it while he was with her. He got careless and I found out he wasn't sure what I would do. He was scared when he got home from work and I was gone. I stayed at a hotel a few days before deciding to hear his story. He thought I would leave for good, he was surprised I stayed.

My wife, while in her A but unbeknownst to me, would constantly tell me, "If I cheated on you, you'd forgive me,I know it". This after years of telling her I wouldn't. Looking back, it was almost like she was asking permission. Or maybe bc I rugswept some things that I couldn't probe very early on in our relationship due to having an extremely sick infant daughter, she thought she could do it again.

She thought wrong. Begged and begged to come back for almost 2 years before she gave up.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:48 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

My husband said he knew what he was doing was wrong but did not consider it an affair bc it was not physical. He knew I would divorce him for that so he wasn’t going to risk that much. He also thought he was way too smart to ever get caught.

Jorge - for your ex to say what she did, she had zero respect for you as a man. At least that is how I see it. You dodged a bullet.

I thought he would never reconcile. I thought he valued being the only man to ever have me, over who I am as a person and he would get rid of me if anything happened to that. I was just going to kill myself after cheating since I was so miserable and hopeless anyway. No fear of getting caught since I was the one turning me in. I honestly thought he would support me killing myself. I was shocked when he told me he didn't want me to die. I really didn't think he cared about me this much. Never imagined on DDay he would one day want to reconcile.

My WW regularly tells me at the moment, particularly if I've been having a tough day, "You'll never leave me - I'm confident of that"...

I'm not sure if it's total ignorance on her part, or if she is so convinced she has/had free reign to shit on me from a big height, because I'm so blinded by love for her there would never be any serious consequence

Number 1 ..... he thought I would never know.

Number 2..... to this day he is angry at me that I walked away.

Yes, I think they believe we will put up with just about anything to keep the family together. I think he is learning a hard lesson In that department . Although we are no longer together I think he will cheat on the next person as well since he blames me for leaving instead of owning that he is a cheater.

He couldn't understand that I was not willing to live with a cheater.