SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mrs Walloped

I cannot begin to tell you how much I admired both you and your husband. I too did something horrible in a moment of despair. I rarely speak of it, and I bear the scars. You are in our prayers and we will say "refuah shlema"-a prayer for healing in services.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 10:12 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry to see you are hurting . Your kind and wise words HELPED me so much just a few weeks ago...and I wish there was something I could do or say to help you like that (((HUGS))).

My prayers and thoughts are with you, MrsWalloped! Get better soon, and when able, please let us know you’re okay.

((((MrsWalloped)))) I am so sad this has happened to you. Please understand that you tried to read through 2 1/2 YEARS of posts in 1 setting. Please remember that what you read happened over a LONG time and even Walloped dealt with all that emotion over YEARS!!! NOT in 1 or 2 days.

I don't know exactly how your marriage is going but please know that a LOT of us wish our wifes (or ex's in my case) had shown such remorse as you have shown.

I wish you well in your recovery and my best wishes for both you and Walloped and your children.

(((((MrsWalloped))))) Hugs from a stranger (and they don't come much stranger) because there have been times when I could have used some.

Get well get back posting. I enjoyed reading your

posts.

Thinking of you and your family. Feel better soon, your girls need you healthy!

I have to say I got quite a shock reading your husband's posts but was encouraged by the latest news.

Words are inadequate Mrs Walloped. I wish you a full and lasting recovery. You deserve all the messages of sympathy and support you are receiving on this thread and your husband's in General. You truly do.

I have apologised to your husband for encouraging you to read his threads and do so to you now. Hopefully you did see the love he had for you throughout. Please remember that and not the negativity of a some posters.

You have shown yourself to be a warm-hearted empathetic person and I have no shadow of doubt that you are still worthy of Walloped's love in all the actions you have taken in the last two and a half years.

I now view you as a friend who has demonstrated great patience and understanding of someone who has questionable taste in both music and humour

Sending my very best wishes.

SM

I am so glad you are home. You are NOT evil, disgusting, or gross. You are a human being. Your children love you. You are their mother. From one mother to another, I wanted to share my most favorite quote with you.

“The most important person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral–a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body. The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation. What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this; to be a mother?” — Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Mrs. Walloped,

Not very long ago I was hurting and struggling. You were kind enough to express concern and support for me. As you have done for so many people on SI in the short time you have been here, BSs and WSs alike. And as you have clearly done, as your husband has so eloquently described, for your family for so many years.

This weekend you read your husband’s two very long, very heavy threads in one sitting, which is enough to overwhelm an outsider (such as myself), much less a person who has a starring role in those posts. It was a lot to take in and try to process. Anyone would find themselves swimming in a sea of uncontrollable emotions in such a situation.

You are a strong, empathetic, intelligent, giving, and honest woman. Your love for your husband and children and compassion for others is evident. I very much admire you and view you and your husband as examples of what I hope my husband and I can achieve with regard to reconciliation. You are a human being - more than any actions you have engaged in. You are cared for and I hope you know that no matter what some biased, embittered individuals might choose to think, you have come a long way from that broken and confused woman who had the affair.

Ernest Hemingway once said, ““The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” You ARE strong. And you are genuine. I see that and so do so many of us.

I’m glad you’re home and safe with your family around you. Your healing is the priority now. Though you are an amazing woman, I don’t care if you never post again if that’s what you need to be okay. SI can be a double edged sword. I have learned so much here - and yet I have hurt so much here too. If this place isn’t helpful to your journey and that of your husband than never look back for even a second. You will be missed, but you are worth more than what you can contribute here. Either way, please know how valued and respected you are, and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Mrs, W., your life is one of hidden heartbreak. Children need unconditional love and when they don’t get it they never completely let their guards down. The fact that your husband loves/loved you did not erase mistrust. You are the child on the playground so desperate for a friend that you would give away your lunch, your favorite toy, to have a buddy. If you got one you would suspect her because the message you got as a child was that no one would love you. Because your child’s heart was so damaged you gave toys up for sex but it is the same set up.

Consider yourself a leaky bucket that no amount of your husband’s love could keep filled. You have a lot of work ahead of you fixing that bucket but you are worth it.

When sex gets introduced into the equation all hell breaks loose. Sexual intercourse is not the definition of true intimacy. Too many men pay prostitutes for that to be real. True intimacy is when you look into your husband’s eyes and believe him when he tells you he loves you and when you continue to believe it all day long. It is when you know you are lovable and worth him. True intimacy is when, in a crowded room, you look at him and both of you smile because you love each other.

I pray you get better. Know you are loved, by your family and by all the members of SI that have had the pleasure of talking to you and have learned of your story. Get well soon. Stay strong and recover. With all of my heart I want nothing but the best for you and your husband.

I'm so pleased to hear that you are home with your family.

I am thinking about you today. I hope you are feeling wrapped in all the love and support we all have for you. You are a wonderful and special woman that I admire.

If and when you decide to read these posts, please pay special attention to Asocalledlife's words. She is a very wise woman whom I also admire.

(((((MrsWalloped)))))

Hi MrsW, hope you are doing ok today. Just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of you and MrW. Get well soon.

I have never been a forgiving man... try as I have to expel the acrid pall that is hopelessness in the wake of betrayal, I have always failed. However, it has happened that, since following the strength of your story, the idea of forgiveness has undergone a metamorphosis - it cannot be a weakness in my mind any longer, but a virtue. We are all imperfect beings, but every one of us has the potential to persevere and to take responsibility for our faults and make amends. . Of course there will be moments where we stumble... but what a shining example you are MrsWalloped. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.

I believe, and this has been addressed by others, that there are a handful of people who are psychologically projecting the circumstances of their own betrayal on to you as if you can answer for their WS. I find it hard to rationalize that, as each case and each person, even with there being striking similarities, is unique. If certain experiences being related to you provide some insight, great. But there's no reason for you to answer to other people's ghosts. It's not fair to you, and I would wager that it does not help you heal.

Alas, I am long winded and a tad unrestrained -

Just one last thing... There is no need for embarrassment on your part.

Just get well, and be at peace. You are a good person, worthy of forgiveness from your husband, and of equal importance - forgiveness from yourself.

Rest well, love yourself, and heal.

-C

I hope you understand how much those of us who are BS wish our WW could have show us the honor and courage and deep and abiding love that you have shown to your husband.

You have done so much work to understand why you got onto the wrong path and why you didn't turn back -- sure, that absolutely did happen and I understand wishing it weren't so and wanting to know as much as you can about it.

Still, I hope you can work, with him, and in just as focused a way, on forgiving yourself and loving yourself. He loves you, please love yourself -- for your own sake as well as for his.

Best wishes for you both.

Hi. I am feeling better. A little loopy and sluggish but better. Plus he made me chocolate chip pancakes and hot chocolate! So yummy for a snowy morning.

I just want say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for being there for my husband. I can’t tell you how much your posts meant to him. He doesn’t have anybody to talk to about this in our personal life and he carries all of this on his head and shoulders. He feels so alone. I know you think he’s strong and he is but he’s also not in some ways. He won’t like me telling you this but too bad! He told you I lost control of my bladder (that sounds a little bit more dignified than wetting myself, don’t you think?) God, how mortifying!

You were always there for him and you were there for him now too. Thank you.

For me, I’ll probably say something in the Wayward Forum, which is my new home when I’m feeling able. But for now, thank you for your compassion. You don’t know me really except for my actions and what my husband has said about me.I know I’m a WW and this is not the Wayward section. I know how WS’s are looked upon. So your compassion and sensitivity towards me personally is just extra special and meaningful. Thank you.

I’m going to hit submit now so he can’t delete what I wrote.

LIKE!

So glad you are feeling better.

And although I haven't posted on your thread before, I have been reading. The shame can be overwhelming, and you've come a long way. You have my admiration, truly.

I think this is going to be a turning point for you. I'm praying for it anyway.

Be well! Good luck!

Tron, you have a pm

Hi. Thank you to everyone who posted here or in the General section.

I’m going to take this very slow with breaks although for you it’ll read like one post. My BH is with me as I type so he can help me get through this. So if it’s a little disjointed you’ll know why. He’s not happy I’m writing this morning but I want to do this. I don’t think he gets why but I need to write this out. I have to face it and I don’t want to hide. That was part of my problem to begin with.

I wanted to read his threads. People kept bringing them up and making comments or asking questions about these details that I didn’t know anything about from what he wrote and I was curious. And there was nothing wrong with anyone doing that. But it was more than curiosity. People talked about how he expressed himself to you and he is a really good writer, but he didn’t talk that way with me. You all saw inside him and I still hadn’t. Other than a handful of times, he built a wall around himself. And I understood why of course. Most of the times we talked about my affair it was him asking me questions or trying to understand and me doing most of the talking. A few times he told me how he really felt but we didn’t relive DDay and what happened afterwards from his point of view. We had our emotional conversations. We both cried and shouted. But he’s so analytical. He didn’t really say how he felt or what he was scared of. He didn’t really explore his feelings with me. I knew why, because he was protecting himself, but it sounded like he did that with you. So I thought that reading his threads would let me see him from the inside. I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted to understand him and the pain he went through. I wanted to see everything through his eyes. And then I hoped we could talk. Really talk. (My therapist also thought it was a good idea. She still does by the way.)

Well you know how that idea turned out.

Reading those threads was horrible for me but I couldn’t stop. I read all night and most of the next morning. It wasn’t that people said horrific things about me or called me names or said I was evil or a whore. Although I guess subconsciously that made an big impact. I understood why they did. They were helping my husband and he needed their help. They were protecting him because I had hurt him so much. The worst part of that was they were right. Not that I was evil or something. But I was so selfish and focused on me and what was happening to my life. The first few weeks were a blur to me. I was so scared and shocked. I don’t have a good recollection of those days. But I built up this image in my head that I worked hard right away and that I was sorry right away and I guess remorseful right away and I wasn’t. Not at all. They were right. I was selfish and self absorbed. I didn’t think about my husband or what I did to him. I only thought about me. Even after my husband caught me I told my AP I loved him. I said he was special. I lied to my husband and hid things from him. My sister yelled at me so much and tried to help me but my head was so far up my own behind I didn’t see it. I built this view of myself in my head that I was so remorseful and caring and it was all lies. And my husband defended me to people but they were right and he was wrong, but he didn’t see it. Because he loved someone who didn’t deserve it. Maybe now, but not then. Not at all. And it was all there for me to see in his threads. What people said about how I was acting or what I was saying and they were so so right.

The other part was my husband. I never saw this side of him. I saw him cry many times after DDay. I saw him trigger and collapse. But I never had such a window into his soul after DDay like I did reading his threads. I think what affected me the most were two things. One was his anger. I experienced his anger and the yelling so that wasn’t a surprise. It was the way he talked about me. I always thought of his anger like that he didn’t really mean it. And he’d say he hated me but deep down I knew he didn’t really hate me. Maybe he was trying to hurt me back and of course he was angry and I deserved that and more but I didn’t know how real it was. God, that sounds so shallow. I’m not doing a good job here. I protected myself. His anger was my punishment. My penance. And that’s why I never responded in a bad way to his anger. I was sorry. I truly was and am, and I thought that his anger was something he would work through and then I could help him heal from what I did. But the way he talked about me. So callous and indifferent at times. So many FU’s. He wasn’t like that ever before. I kept reading it, well fuck her, I don’t care, she’ll deal or if not fuck her, she could fuck him for 3 months so fuck her if she doesn’t like it. So cold. The way he talked about me. Like I was a criminal (I know I know). And how he called me out on everything I said or did. I guess his brain helped him. But while you all read those words, I heard them. They were on the iPad but I read them with his voice in my head. And they stayed there.

The other thing was how scared he was. He was so frightened and lost and in so much pain. We were always there for each other. Yes, we are codependent but in different ways. Almost our whole lives we had each other to help us get through things and now he had no one to turn to. And he wrote that he was a broken man and scared and alone and that’s because I did that to him. He didn’t know what was going to happen to his life. He never really told me how scared he was. He couldn’t. I never knew. I never knew how alone he felt. How lost. Thank God for my BIL. And he still had to go to work and function and I’d see him cry but I didn’t know it was from fear. I never really knew or understood what I did to him. What I really did to him. I always thought I did but I didn’t. Not really. Not until your husband says it in his own words without trying to soften things or change it around for whatever reason. I didn’t know. Maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe I was protecting myself. And he was so alone and in situations like that I’d always be there for him but I wasn’t this time and he couldn’t turn to me because he didn’t know who I was anymore. My husband didn’t know me. We spent almost our whole lives together and he didn’t know me or trust me and worse, I was I the one who did this to him.

So that’s why his threads had such an affect on me.

I don’t remember too much from Saturday. All I know is all my wonderful coping tools went out the window. People here said that his love for me came through in his posts, but I didn’t see that. I don’t mean it wasn’t there. I mean I didn’t pay attention to it. I got so wrapped up in the pain and anger and fear and all the talk about me. And I heard my mother’s voice in my head with all her sarcastic comments (she never yelled, just knew how to bite in the worst way) and then it was my voice saying those horrible things to myself and I knew I was right because it was all right there in those posts. I couldn’t hide from it and pretend it didn’t happen. I couldn’t erase his pain. I couldn’t take away what I did. I did these things to him.

My doctor said I suffered a severe anxiety attack. I don’t know what that means really, but apparently I got lost in myself. I remember going to the bedroom I think so I could lie down but I guess I never made it to the bed. I don’t recall scratching myself. I do know I was hugging myself and rubbing my arms a lot because I was very cold. I was freezing actually and I was trying to get warm. I do remember throwing up but kind of like it happened but not much more than that. I didn’t know I lost control of my bladder. I didn’t really know what time it was or which room I was in or who was around me. It’s scary thinking about it like that but I can’t say it was at the time because the truth is I didn’t focus on anything except my own conversation in my head.

Anyway, I have another appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I have a lot to process. Thank you honey for spending your whole morning with me so I could do this. Thank you for the hugs and tissues and for letting me use your chest and shoulder (now go change your shirt. Gross. )

And thank you all again for everything and for listening.

My prayers for you both.