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My DD was Christmas, followed by a 2nd DD on my birthday February 2nd. We'd been together for 23 years and are both 55 years old. Two major special occasions ruined by the fact he lied to me about still loving me and wanting to reconcile and he hurt me without a care in the world and didn't look back. My world has become a never ending cycle of crying, anger and visualizations of him with the OW. I just recovered emotionally from losing my mother a few months ago, and then this.

His world has become a party, filled with nights out, dinners out, new friends, and dates. He even watched the Super Bowl, and he's never liked or watched sports in 23 years I've been with him.

I can barely eat, and sleep, and I know I don't want this sad excuse for a man back. Is anyone else struggling with the intrusive thoughts of the WS taking someone else out, buying them flowers, and having Valentine's Day with his new infatuation? I can't seem to get past the part where I feel like I'm watching someone else live my life, even if it's one I no longer have. I didn't choose this he did.

I feel like I'm sinking into emotional purgatory. I know I'm not defined by his actions, but it still makes me want to throw up knowing he will likely celebrate Valentine's Day with someone else, while I suffer through this nightmare he shot me in the heart with. Everywhere I look I see things that remind me of this special occasion, and then I see the photo I found of them the night before my birthday. It's like a train wreck that you can't stop looking at. I have looked at that photo far more times than I'd like to admit, and see him smiling and it just pours more salt into an open wound.

Anyone else experience this, and did anything help?

First of all Muggle (love the name btw), I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. You don't deserve it.

Secondly, are you currently seeing an IC? It sounds like maybe now is a time where you could use that extra support. So little time has passed since your world has been yanked away from you by the person you should have been able to trust most. Getting back to an even keel takes time. Lots of time.

It may be a bit too raw and early in the process for this For you, but at these significant days or just when im starting to feel too overwhelmed by it all I have a "mental health day". I book time off work and spend the day effectively just doing whatever small things I want to. In my case it's binge watching netflix or gaming and eating junk food. I dont berate myself for not being productive and eating rubbish. Its doing what I need to do for my mental health.

Ha ha, a second voice for loving the username - and for the apology you're going through this. We're here to help and support you best we can through this difficult time.

Listen to ReliantRobin - and I will too! My WH left me 2 weeks ago and I'm still in a mess (signature has some of my details). I feel guilty when I don't do the things I wanted to, but you're right. We all need those times to switch off and just be.

Muggle, you are so fresh to this pain and you need to look after yourself. Are you talking to people in real life? Do friends and family know? Honestly, their support will make a huge difference.

In answer to your Valentines question.. I'm struggling too. Valentines was never a big deal to me and my WH, but he's in the throes of his new relationship with the OW so no doubt they'll do something. I don't care about not having a date or someone to be with, but what I am really hating is the constant HEARTS LOVE PARTNER COUPLE KISS adverts and talk and thoughts everywhere. I never noticed it before and now everything is to do with being in a couple and it's killing me.

We'll get through this together. Come talk to us whenever you need to.

(hugs)

This day hurts singles too. People who are lonely and despair of finding someone. My aunt used to do a Valentine's party for the senior center in her little town. Everyone felt included and had a good time. Maybe you can contribute to something like that. Maybe do something for kids. I'm hurting myself seeing all this stuff.

Romantic love is a fragile piece of glass. Easily broken by one careless person or action.

I went all out for her Vday back in 2016..all out...but she didn’t care..after it was done that day she went right back to him. So never again will I ever celebrate it with her. I may care for her but love is something I will never give her again...I’ll prob make a steak, hang with my boys and play on the good ole PS4..days of romance and love are dead and gone..I’m actually glad..all to much trouble and stress..and to be honest for those of us just another day of lies..

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 8:42 AM, February 5th (Monday)]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

We are currently trying to reconcile (I'm the WW) and I have already let my BS there is zero expectation or desire of anything romantic/valentines related, other than a few little things for the kids.

I agree the "love" and romance for that day is probably something we will not celebrate again, all though it was never a big deal for us.

I hope you are seeking IC and give yourself a mental break. Maybe schedule a nice day for yourself at the spa and take care and pamper yourself.

I dumped the cheater on Valentine's Day. I had gathered all my proof that he was secretly still lying and betraying while pretending "to do the hard work". And I was sitting on it, waiting for the perfect moment to yank the rug out from under him and catch him unaware so that he wouldn't have had a chance to plan a mindfuck to counter me with when I confronted him.

He'd made some bullshit excuse to blow off our Valentine's Day plans and that was it for me. So I reached deep inside myself, found my power, and confronted him.

It was glorious. I caught him completely off guard and obliterated him. In the end, he was panicky, shrill, and stumbling over lies and mindfucks trying to scramble his way out of it. He gave one big Hail Mary play trying to guilt trip me, and when he realized it was over, he turned verbally and mentally abusive towards me and started to rage.

I laughed and ended the conversation and immediately started removing him from my lif. And by the next morning I had achieved total and permanent no contact.

So, Valentine's Day is my victory day. My fuck you to the cheater day. My I am mighty so hear me roar day. My buy myself roses and chocolate and champagne day.

And for him, it's the day he got dumped. lol

Panda that sounds glorious. Congratulations on your new life and I wish you a Happy Freedom Day for the 14th

Wow, Panda! You're not One Sad... you are Bloody Magnificent!

Major kudos.

I'm dreading Valentines Day since I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my wife's affair that came to light in April last year.

I've since learned that he gave my wife a bunch of sexy lingerie last Valentine's Day and while she gave me a card, I'm sure she gave him something more ... intimate.

It's hard to get those images out of my mind and VD (another sore point -- I don't what else they "shared") is a trigger.

Happy freedom day!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!! So much yes!!!!!!

Panda this is brilliant.

I have always hated the fake holiday. Last two years i made it about the kids only, that was nice. And...maybe I sent the AP a scathing letter right before v-day to let her know how little she means to pretty much anyone. So...that helped! Healthy? Not really.

Now...for raw pain, for new pain. I’m not sure what you will have to give for yourself this year. But, have an I love you day for you. Your favorite foods. Your favorite beverages movies, activities. And if budgets allow, or you still have access to his, get yourself something nice. Especially if you have access to his money! 😂

These moments will be hard for some time, but it isn’t always this hard. Even years on when (if you read my posts) triggers can happen and sadness may visit, it is never this hard again. So breathe...and know that he is an ass, and you are awesome. Celebrate your freedom!

Because in time, you will see him for the weakness that he is. It just might be hard now. But in time, you will see you for the strength that you are. It’s just hard now.

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 9:17 AM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

Ferus I am sorry you are dreading VD. You say you are still dealing with the aftermath of your wife's affair that came to light last April. Not sure what you mean by "still dealing with the aftermath." For many, perhaps most of us, it takes years, not months to come to terms with our spouse's betrayal. For most of us the discovery is shocking; it is traumatic and trauma takes very hard work and a great deal of time to process.

Unlike other forms of trauma, if we continue to live with the person who caused the trauma, their behavior, their willingness to do all that's possible to change into healthy, loyal, loving, trustworthy people of integrity, empathy, plays an essential role in our recovery.

The holidays can be triggers; all sorts of occurrences throughout a regular day can cause triggers. We can feel triggered even without a specific trigger.

I wonder if both you and your wife are working with trauma ICs; reading about betrayal, the causes and the various ways to live after. Are you in any support groups?

Great that you have found SI but IRL support is very crucial--support from professionals, from others dealing with similar problems. I hope you are not having to face all this alone.

Thanks marji. Good counsel and insights. We're listening to the Esther Perel book, which I think is called State of the Affair. I think her insights are pretty good. My wife has finally stopped asking me why I'm not "over it" -- she now gets that it may take a long time, or I may never get over it and I don't know for sure that she's "over" him.

I should try to find a support group.

My first Valentine’s Day after Dday was brutal. I just wanted to recoil at even seeing the things at the grocery store. For some reason it just felt assualting. I had some bad past memories around this day while my H was having the A. There are many hurt feelings that swirl around this day. It just sucks. I was miserable the first year. I was glad when it was over. I stayed off social media and just pretty much ignored everything to could shout the day. This year I don’t feel so bad. There is still love in my world with my kids, my mom, my sister, my friends. I choose to focus on that more. I’m sorry you are going through all this. It’s so hard and heart breaking.