SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Going through the process of divorce with my CS. Her name is on the deed to our house, but I paid for the down payment with my money and used my VA loan in order to purchase it. I also believe I used inheritance money to purchase the house that I was gifted with the passing of my grandmother, but I will need to verify that through some digging.

In any case, I have hired a lawyer and he's filed my case for divorce. I just got this email from my CS today:

[My Name],

I did love you and I know you know that. I will always treasure our time and marriage together.

1. Our core bills, not counting debt or car insurance are $1,773. Half of that is $886.50.

2. Today I had to enroll for 2018 benefits. I enrolled with you as my spouse and you will continue to receive Medical, Dental and Vision benefits which I will pay 100% for. I assume they will mail you new cards to our apartment within the next two months.

3. As far as bills go, you will continue to collect the $1600 in rent directly to your account and pay for the mortgage with that. You should continue to take the rest of that money for your own use. For the other bills, I will turn off auto draft for the electric and transfer you half. I will also transfer you half of rent, renters insurance and half of your internet, phone, your life insurance and mattress firm which I estimate to be $857. I will continue to pay both of our car insurance.

4. I want half of the house and I don't want lawyers.

5. I will continue to pay approximately $50 a month for your medical, dental and vision costs - this is your cost alone, not myself included.

5. We have a shared debt of approximately $10,000. I will assume this if you agree to my right to 50% of the house.

I do not think we need lawyers. I have given everything to this marriage and I think you tried to do the same. I think the best course of action is to resolve this ourselves. If there is something additional I can do for you, you only need ask. What are your thoughts, or how do you feel about these things as I've outlined them? As I said, I don't want layers, I would just like to keep this between us.

My wife is an adulterer, no question about it and she wants out of the marriage because she's in love with another man. We have been separated physically since Oct 16 2017. I am living in our one bedroom apartment with both our names on the lease, we have renters in our marital property until Aug 2018.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. I forwarded this email to my lawyer and asked if it was a good deal, but I really want the house since it's estimated to profit 40-60k from selling it. She has not been served yet, but likely will be by next week.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 12:31 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

I'm not a lawyer or expert by any means. But since she has stated several times that she doesn't want lawyers, I'd have one. It just feels like what she's offering is in her best interest, not yours. Especially with regard to your house. I'm sure there are others here who can offer you better, more detailed information. Wishing you the best.

"I don't want to have lawyers involved" = "I want what I want and don't care about fair."

The "no lawyers" is a standard WS approach, especially when they think they can bully or wheedle their BS into getting their way.

You did the right thing by filing. Let the attorney tell you what you can reasonably expect and go from there.

Cat

do not respond, do not tell her what you want. do not tell her what she won't get.

she should hear crickets or 'ill think about it' at most.

Sorry but when reading there was red flags. She makes it seem you will keep the rent money for yourself and the go to point out the bills related to the home-which is part of fees to the rental. Also, she mentions the health insurance twice

What do you pay for for her? Write out. Seems she’s trying to take more by playing you

Florida is an equitable distribution state, so there is a presumption that the marital assets and liabilities should be evenly divided. This presumption may, however, be overcome by proof that one spouse has intentionally dissipated or wasted marital assets. Gifts, trips, apartment rent, car payments, and dinners for a non-marital partner are all considered a waste of marital assets. The court may reduce the adulterer's share of martial assets to compensate the other spouse for this waste.

Florida laws specifically list adultery as a factor to be considered in determining the amount of alimony awarded. Judges will only increase a wronged spouse's alimony if the adulterous conduct somehow increases that spouse's monetary needs.

I would suggest not going 50/50 on the house if you can prove that you invested inheritance in purchasing it. 100% of your inheritance investment goes back to you, then the remaining moneys are split 50/50.

Ah, I forgot to mention prior to that letter I sent her something over a week ago that said how should we handle this, etc. I didn't hear back from her so I went ahead and hired a lawyer and filed. She should be getting served sometime next week.

During the affair she has been very impersonal (obviously), we hardly talk, and I've taken the 180 approach as of a week ago from today. She texted me a little bit today to ask what was going on and I just told her straight up.

Forwarded that letter to my lawyer to see what he thinks, but yes it does seem like she's trying to buy me off from guilt or something. Her offer does look generous, but I think I can get more...and have it binding legally

feels,

It doesn't sound generous on the face of it. She works. You were a student.

Your atty will advise you what the State norms provide. That would be your benchmark number. You can certainly negotiate from there. For example, to make your portion of the shared debt go away.

This is a business transaction now. You are emotionally involved. Your atty isn't. S/he will guide you about what you are entitled to.

Great work on the NC/180 BTW.

I think the other person is wrong about your inheritance down payment going back to you right off the top. I think once you co mingle the inheritance with other money, which you did when you put your down payment down, that it then defaults to becoming a marital asset.

I am not sure about Florida laws, but here in Tx. if you co-mingle inheritance it becomes a marital asset. When my Mom died, I got $$ and put it into our joint account for renovations we were doing on a historical home and land. I also had my kids college funds set up under both our names and put part of the money there. XWH#1 drained the bank account and took the kids college $$. Luckily Tx. didn't have alimony at that time, so he didn't get that from me. Now skip to XWH#2, he couldn't finish the renovations, so I gave away the house and we built another house. In the end he got 1/2 even though I had been paying on the land for 18yrs. I will never again co-mingle assets with anyone. My home now is in my name only and that's how it will stay.

I am glad you have an attorney. Just refer her there and tell her to speak to him. Stay NC...It drives them crazy.

I’m in California. I put a substantial sum of separate property as down payment on the martial home. I got all of that back. It depends on state law.

I was D the first time in Fl in the early 1990's. my atty advised we sell the house and split the proceeds. I think that's standard. BUT I quit claimed the deed over to him since his parents helped us get in the house and there was no equity.

In my most recent D I wanted the house and I

realized the OW would b moving into my house.

No way was I going to let a POS waltz into a home I had to put a down payment on ! It's too easy for OW. So I kept the house.

I lost some 401k money bc at the final hearing we had to show that the assets were divided equally. (I had to get an appraisal on the current value of the property, so I had an appraiser do a drive by appraisal to give me a ballpark figure).

So, if you get to keep it, you might have to pay her something, and get a refi in so many days -like 6 months or so, or even after the renters move out and you move back in.

If she won't agree, then you might have to sell, but hopefully your atty can work it out for you to get the house.

In my opinion, do not let her have the house. It's too easy for her and OM living their unicorn fantasy world. Let HIM get qualified, put a down payment down, etc. on another place.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:05 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

I'm in a different state, but dealt with similar issues, and here's how it played out.

Inheritance. Once it is used "for the benefit of the marriage," it is considered a marital asset and no longer exempted. My xhole paid our down payment with his inheritance money, and he lost it all to me. Conversely, I have many inherited antiques (i.e., expensive) that just sit on shelves. Because they have never benefitted the marriage, they remained mine and he had no claim. He was pissed about him losing his and not being able to touch mine. Just the way the law works here.

Equitable distribution. It means fair, not necessarily 50/50. The courts will look at a fair division. Think bottom line distribution. Once all assets and all debts are totalled and distributed, is it a fair distribution?

Back to my xhole losing his inheritance on house down payment. I wanted the marital home and all equity. I got it appraised so I had a current and reasonably accurate number for the equity value. To get it, I let him have all the recreational toys and I took more of the debt (that he racked up behind my back). With all this number wizardry, the bottom line was pretty close to 50/50, and I got the house and all equity. The magistrate didn't bat an eye and approved it.

So I suggest you list all assets with fair market values and all debts. Create columns for what you want and what she wants, listed by the values. Sum the totals at the bottom of each column and see where it stands. If it is not close to 50/50, you will have to be ready to defend why (and your attorney can help), but if it is close to it, you are golden. Doing this will show you if her proposition is actually fair or not. Look at the numbers, not the description.

Florida is equitable distribution but that doesn't mean equal, it means fair. I believe mediation is required if the parties can't come to an agreement and then the judge gets to make the final decision. Actually, I'm pretty sure my lawyer told me the judge could change the agreement even if both parties agreed to it.

You should sit down with your attorney and get all of these questions answered by a professional. We can all tell you what we did and how it worked out for us but each case has so many factors involved, you'll be much better off asking your attorney.

Inherited money is automatically owned by both spouses and I don't think FL requires comingling to consider it a joint asset. That said, I think my attorney told me that the judge has the final say on it so if it was your inheritance but your spouse was cheating, the judge can order it all back to you.

But I'm not positive so do go talk to your attorney. And if he/she doesn't answer these questions readily and in layman's terms for you, find another. This is much too important to trust to just anyone. Ask around and get the biggest barracuda in your county.

I've talked to my attorney since, he filed a pretty thorough petition when she gets served. Will update once that happens, likely sometime this up coming week or after thanksgiving, not sure how quickly this stuff moves. I just know he's filed my case and I've gotten 9 documents etc

In Florida, if a home is purchased by a married couple, then by law, both names must be placed on the title/deed regardless of which spouse provides the finds or majority of the funds.

In a subsequent divorce, the home is considered a marital asset that must be divided equitably either by selling the property and dividing any equity, one spouse buying out the half from the other spouse, or by a spouse giving up some other asset that would be the equivalent to half the marital home.

It's bullshit, I paid every penny of the house while I spent tens of thousands putting my XWW through college.

She's entitled to half the house and I'm not entitled to get at least half back for funding the asset she now has in a high-quality college education.

I provided her with the ability to make into the millions of dollars and I get nothing back.

Not fair nor equitable.

I hope you're able to find some leverage that will favor you.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. I forwarded this email to my lawyer and asked if it was a good deal, but I really want the house since it's estimated to profit 40-60k from selling it. She has not been served yet, but likely will be by next week.

Don't engage, don't respond.

Let your attorney handle everything, and tell your attorney you want the house and ask how you can get it. It's a HUGE RED FLAG to read how often she says she doesn't want any attorneys involved.

There is a hidden agenda here.

One option may be to buy her out--again, check with your attorney. If you are unable to buy her out, you may end up having to sell the house and split the profits.

In California, my attorney told me that if I used any kind of inheritance or bequeathment to make purchases that became marital assets (i.e. rental property), that amount could be "backed out" of the settlement if I could prove it -- believe me, I have a paper trail that goes back 37 years. I have no clue about Florida.

I'm in Florida and experienced the same as KeptMyWord. Since her name is on the deed, that house is half hers. BUT, that's only if she goes to court to fight for that half. And going to court would mean there's a public record of her affair. If you reach a settlement agreement without going to court then there's no public record of the affair, and you don't have to necessarily split the house 50-50. This is a negotiationbest handled by your attorney. You have a tiny bit of leverage, but unfortunately, it's an unfair legal system in this respect. In my case, my xWW got to have her affair, and I had to pay her in the divorce. So unfair, but that's the law because I make more money than her and I inherited money which I used to purchase the marital home.

My guess is she saw an atty, found out she might not get all she wants and it's going to cost a lot of money to fight.