SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Keep discussion limited to providing a roof over her head as inexpensively as possible until separation agreement is signed.

I Agree Bigger. It's all in his hands. I Want him to retain control and keep in mind ALL of his options. He shouldn't feel pressured but he also has to think about potential abilities to move on or stay. As long as his decision is his alone and based on his values, I want the best for him

Agreed Midnightrun. Limit the discussion. IS it her attempt to f force R ? Is her sdi ster moving her out ? Manipulation attempt ? Or a guage at where he is at ? We sshould know today

Gotta agree with Bigger, AO. This is in your hands. Do what is right for you.

To that end, please disregard the comments that you can’t ever get over what occurred, or that you are the eternal plan-B, at this time. Given time, and if you chose to explore these questions, you can. Emotionless logic serves you best at this moment, IMO.

As I’m sure you’re aware, comments such as above are poorly veiled attempts to sway you in their direction. Yes, these persons are selfish so they try to push you in a direction that gives them the most pleasure (maybe out of a sense of retribution), without considering what will give you the most pleasure. You see, these persons think it is about them, instead of you. Only you know what is right for you, and what you are willing, and able to deal with. Further, it may require time and experience on your part to better comprehend your personal metes and bounds.

On the other side of this coin, please disregard all comments that you must reconcile, or that you’re not plan-B, at this time as well. Comments such as these are just as selfish as the others. This situation is about you, and it will be completed on your own timeline.

In any event, I hope the meeting goes well, and isn’t too emotional. Looking forward to seeing the update.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 2:30 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Drumstick Agree!!! I wish more would take this view.

Prepare to get flamed though.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 1:43 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

I say let them flame away, nscale56. Attempts to justify their comments only proves the point.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 1:56 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

I never said he could not get over it Drumstick. Stop spinning what I said. I Sai d he needs to think about if he can get over it and that he has options other than R. I also stated the obvious that it is in his hands. Your poor attempt to turn around and misinterpret my statements in order to flame me is weak. The last time I checked, this site is called 'surviving infidelity" not 'reconciling infidelity' and divorce is as real a possibility as reconciliation.

I also agreed with Biggers main point but unlike you, I care about A1 enough to talk about options people like you and with your

agenda don't want to.

I don't make commission whether A1 divorces or reconciles and I will never meet him. So contrary to your point, I have no skin in this game. At least learn how to read

[This message edited by Western at 3:28 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

And I take no pleasure in other people's misery but at least you tried to moderate your comments in the end.

A1, don't ignore anyones thoughts, just ignore who tell you to ignore others while providing no substance themselves

[This message edited by Western at 3:57 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Dig, dig, dig!

Yep, your flaming people and lying about what they say is digging.

[This message edited by Western at 4:15 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Dig, dig, dig!

P.S. Nice removal of content telling someone to go screw themself. Dig, dig, dig!

[This message edited by Drumstick at 4:14 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

A1,

I’ve read your thread from beginning to the last page, and you’ve handled this awful situation as amazingly well as anyone I’ve seen. Understand that infidelity sucks, regardless of how and when you find out. I also think that it is probably more difficult when you have the option to R. I did not have that choice, and at the time I was very upset about that, but after I’ve had nearly 2 years to process everything, glad I didn’t have the choice to make. Like most BS here, I so much wanted for everything to go back to how life was pre-affair, and my WWs affair lasted 1-1/2 years before I discovered it. If we had R, would I ever feel like I could completely trust her again? While I didn’t see graphic photographs, I found plenty of archived emails, including many that were very graphically descriptive in detailing the highlights of their sexcapades. I’d like to think that I could “un-imagine” those things, but I don’t think I could do it. I have been divorced for a year and a half. It’s not easy. I had been together with my xWW for 15 years and we have 2 DDs that are still young (9 & 12). It breaks my heart that they have to commute back and forth between houses every other week.

You are definitely not in an enviable position, but you will get through this one way or another, and whatever you choose will be correct. There are always options. You could D and decide later to get remarried. You can start down the path of D and then decide to stop. You could R and decide later that it’s not for you and then D. As others have said, YOU are in control of your life right now, and that’s all you can wish for. Because your state has the mandatory 1yr separation before you can D, then I agree that starting the process of that legal Separation immediately makes sense, because as I said before, you don’t have to D just because you start down that path, but if you decide that D is the right choice for you then at least that process was started as quickly as possible.

In summary, I think you’re doing great under the circumstances. You don’t have to make any final decisions now, but you should start the process immediately and allow yourself this next year to evaluate and decide exactly what you want to do. The good news is that based on how many of us on this site are unfortunately BSs, you can realize that not every woman (or man) out there will cheat on you. There are good people out there should you decide to D. And there are also plenty of successful R stories on this site, so there is hope for you should you choose that route.

I will pray for you to have a clear mind and for you to feel confident in whichever decision that you make. I promise you that there is no “wrong” choice to make either. Things will be OK. You didn’t ask for this, but you will survive and be stronger because of this experience. And your daughters will watch how you handle this, and hopefully they will learn from you. They will learn what to tolerate in a relationship, how to handle adversity, and how to have compassion for themselves and for their loved ones.

Sending good vibes and good fortune your way. You are never alone. There are good people here and in real life who will enter your life and be there to help you through this unfortunate circumstance.

No I just thought it would be more constructive to tell A1 to ignore people who offer no substance and is al ways telling him to ignore other posters they don't agree with. That is Drumstick. And you can stop lying about what I write

Dig, dig, dig!

End T/J

Yes end of T/J.

A1 Deserves better

Hello AmbivalentOne.

I know that meeting was probably pretty tough, and it will probably take a bit of time to process the emotions. If you took Bigger's and others' advice to reflect before making decisions then you have that going on inside your head as well.

You have plenty of time and options. More so than many on this site. Must be a bit like being placed waist deep in a sewage lagoon and being told you are free to wade in any direction you choose, huh? I'm glad my situation was more clear cut, it made the decision instant and the rest was logistics.

Take all the time you want. As long as you make a measured rational decision I believe you will make the right one for you.

Remember that your ultimate selfish goal is to find a worthy mate. You have been given an unfortunate gift where you are in a position to chose. You should look at like a second chance. If you chose your wife just make sure it's because it will make your life better.

I hope you're doing well (as well as can be expected) and that your conversation with your WW went ok.

Regarding hysterical bonding, I did go through that odd phenomena. I really can't explain it. I'm sure my experience would have been different if I had seen pics of my WH though. I think our minds block out what they can if we don't have the type of proof that you had. Eventually, I became repulsed by him and I still want to take a scalding shower when I think I about the last time we did it....and that was years ago. I guess we all go into survival mode in our own way and reality doesn't set in until we're ready to accept it. It tools me years to D but he was a serial cheater and I had to acknowledge he was never going to change.

Sending you warm thoughts.

Hey there,

I hope your weekend is going ok and your meeting with your wife went well.

I wish I could figure out how to look at her and only see the woman I have been married to for 28 years instead of the stranger in those pictures and emails.

Seems surreal, doesn’t it? The thing is, she is (or was) both of those people. Shellbean suggested that you read the thread started by Squid on the duality of our WSs. I read it myself after seeing her suggestion, and I’d like to echo her advice. I personally have struggled with this concept, and found the thread very helpful.

I have never put much stock in counseling, but I really hope the IC I am meeting with next week can help me figure out how I feel about her.

Well, there are bad counselors, good counselors, and great counselors. Regardless of their skill, personality (whether they click with yours) matters a lot, too. If you don’t like the first one for any reason, please consider working your way down the list and trying another one. It took me three before I found the right one, and she is seriously amazing. It’s like she can read my mind, yet challenges me, helping me to be the best version of myself. And she “gets” my dry (and occasionally gallows) sense of humor; we laugh a lot in session, which helps exponentially.

I didn’t want a “tell me about yourself” type of IC who mainly sat there prodding me to talk without offering much advice. I didn’t want one who tried to delve into the deep, dark recesses of my childhood. I didn’t want one who knew less about infidelity than I did. I wanted someone who could help me work through the mess of right here and now, with some solid practical advice. I’m pretty analytical and a quant person by trade myself. She is good with that, and very helpful in getting me to struggle through my feelings. She’s also a damn good psychologist who helped my spouse identify (and get help for) his previously undiagnosed personality disorder. So I guess I’m saying don’t settle for less than great.

Anyhow, I hope this week goes well for you. Please keep eating, drinking, exercising; and do whatever you need to do to get through each day.

[This message edited by hpv50 at 9:26 PM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

We had a late lunch yesterday and talked for about 2 hours. I am pretty sure the waiter was sick of us by the time we left, but I gave him a great tip, so Merry Christmas to him.

She had a lawyer look over the separation and division of asset agreement. Apparently he didn't love it, but agreed that given the contributory history of infidelity, it was fair. So she signed.

She was still very sad about the official nature of our separation, but says she is willing to do anything to save our marriage. Her sister is more than happy to continue hosting her. I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but her sister is a widow with her kids out of the house, so she is probably lonely and welcomes the company. They get along well.

She talked about her two sessions of IC last week. Apparently, her IC believes she has done a great deal of work on herself since the affair. However, she insists that WW needs a better understanding of my pain. Has her doing mental and writing exercises to imagine herself finding out exactly what I did. She says she hates herself for making all of the terrible decisions she did during the affair. That I did nothing to deserve this horrible betrayal. While I don't owe her another chance, she hopes I will give her the opportunity to help me recover, even if I don't stay with her.

I mostly listened. I asked a few questions, but tried to focus on logistics. Like Christmas, caring for the animals when I have to leave town, coming by the house to pick up more clothes, etc.

I will say, she seems genuinely horrified by what she did and how her actions are affecting the kids and me. She described her conversation with DD1 over Thanksgiving as a disaster...DD1 was furious and didn't pull any punches. Called her actions disgraceful and told WW that she was ashamed of her. WW's sister was present during DD1's rant and actually had to step in to calm DD1 down. WW said she wasn't sure which was worse, DD1 chewing her out or DD2 refusing to talk to her.

I told her the girls were going to visit me over Christmas break. I would neither discourage nor encourage them to visit WW. She understood and said she would drop off the girls presents before they arrived. She and I won't be exchanging gifts this year by my request. First Christmas in 33 years we won't spend together.

The whole situation is just depressing. Christmas is (was) by far my favorite time of year and has always been special to our family. I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy the holidays like I did before Dday.

Thanks for listening all. I have my first IC appointment on Tuesday. Not sure what to expect, but hopeful.

edit: Thanks to everyone who recommended Squid's thread on the dichotomy of the WS in the BS's mind. Very good read and lots of helpful advice and viewpoints.

[This message edited by AmbivalentOne at 9:59 PM, December 3rd (Sunday)]