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Newest Member: nailofthe9

I Can Relate :
Dealing with OC

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BaiYue ( new member #74583) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

My therapist asked me ” would it be easier for you to forgive if there is not a child involved?” at that moment, I did not know what to say. It is excruciating to go thru this. I feel like I have different things to focus on when OC is involved. What are your thoughts?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2020
id 8564483
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 2:01 AM on Monday, July 27th, 2020

Bai Yue——An absolute absolutely!!! There is more to deal with when an OC is involved. And harder to forgive definitely. It is not the child’s fault but man is there just so much more to deal with. It sucks bad!!!!

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8566817
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 8:55 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Some people in General insisting this thread is locked. Just posting to check if that's true...

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8612358
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cookiezandcream ( new member #75902) posted at 6:44 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

It was locked. They must have finally unlocked it.

I know this is old, but...

My therapist asked me ” would it be easier for you to forgive if there is not a child involved?” at that moment, I did not know what to say. It is excruciating to go thru this. I feel like I have different things to focus on when OC is involved. What are your thoughts?

It would have made things so much easier in my case. It helps if the affair partner can be cut off completely. It's possible for it to remain firmly in the past.

If there's a child though? It's always in the present. You can't completely cut the AP off.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8612443
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 3:05 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Getting over infidelity would be much easier without OC.

In my case the mother—a drug addict—-does not raise the child; her aunt does. But even if you aren’t around AP that child is a living reminder.

I guess I need to look at the child for who he is, not what he is. I guess that is all we want others to do for us. But I cannot deal with this child now, and I may never.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8612705
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cookiezandcream ( new member #75902) posted at 1:09 AM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I guess I need to look at the child for who he is, not what he is. I guess that is all we want others to do for us. But I cannot deal with this child now, and I may never.

Of course it's not the child's fault, but that doesn't mean we, who were betrayed, have to accept or have anything to do with the child. If it's too painful, then it's too painful.

If the child is hurt by that, they have only their parents to blame.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8612865
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 2:22 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

Yes Cookies I told my husband that we all have crosses to bear in life. It was his cross to also be raised without a father. And it will be the OC’s cross to bear to also live without a father, or at least his biological father. And if he chooses to have a relationship with this child ( of course without me no longer being married to him) then I’m okay with that too.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8612911
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I'm in the same boat. I have told my WH that if he wants a relationship with OC I would not stand in his way, but I would also not stand by him either. He chose this family over the OC.

From the beginning he told OW that he loved his wife and was not leaving her, that what they had was nothing more than sex. Of course, he also treated her like his wife and I believe that she had never been treated that well before (2 other kids with 2 different men, neither wanting anything to do with her). So, from the things he told me they did together, it sounded like a relationship to me. And if I had been her, no matter what was coming out of his mouth, his actions said otherwise (plus, he said that he did tell her he loved her, but because he wanted to keep the sex coming and knew it's what she wanted to hear).

She told him she was on birth control (he still shouldn't have had sex without a condom! DUH). But I believe she got pregnant on purpose because there was an end date coming and she knew it. Once his work was done in that area, he would be leaving and never coming back. Once she let him know she was pregnant, he asked her to get an abortion. She refused. He told her he didn't want anymore kids, he already had a family. That if she decided to have this child, it would be without him and she would be doing it alone. She decided to keep it then got pissed off at him when he didn't want to participate and be part of the pregnancy, birth, and life.

WH made lots of mistakes in the beginning, as did I, but now we are NC period. If she shows up demanding a paternity and child support, well, that's what lawyers are for. WH keeps saying stupid shit like maybe in five years I'll feel different. I told him if that's what he hopes for so he can have a relationship with OC, then we should just get divorced now, because he needs to assume I want ZERO contact with OC for the rest of my life! I don't even want him having contact and keeping me out of it. NOPE. It's NO CONTACT period!

I know some people will say that's cruel to the OC because it didn't ask to be born. Well, that's not my problem! That's it's mother's problem! She can explain her actions and deal with the consequences. The only obligation for WH is financial, because yes, he decided to stick his penis where it didn't belong and knew it was a possibility (even with birth control, hell, 3 of our 5 kids were conceived while on birth control).

Stick to your guns! You are just as innocent as OC and just because you're a grown up that doesn't mean that you need to put OC's needs ahead of your own! No thank you! I will not parent my husband's bastard!

posts: 350   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8613405
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 2:28 PM on Monday, December 7th, 2020

She told him she was on birth control (he still shouldn't have had sex without a condom! DUH).

xWH said this to me too. But now I don't know if just one of his lies.

I no longer have the urge to stalk in social media. But while I was looking for stuff, I came across his profile photo. I saw he changed it to OC. Surprisingly, didn't hurt, or it did but didn't hurt as bad as I would have thought. Guess I have come a long way in healing.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8614792
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cookiezandcream ( new member #75902) posted at 5:25 AM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

I also believe the AP got pregnant purposefully in our situation because my husband was leaving soon - and she hoped it would make him stay.

My husband said he did actually want a sort of relationship with the kid if possible, but decided it wasn't worth losing me and our family together.

People elsewhere have given me crap for making him choose, but I didn't do it to be vindictive. It was because I wouldn't be able to endure it and keep my sanity.

Then there's the people who say I need to not only let my husband have a relationship, but I need to be a stepmother too...

As I said, they have no idea what this does to a person and they're just lucky it didn't happen to them. They could have easily been burdened with an existing affair child too and I highly doubt they'd be able to follow their own advise so easily.

[This message edited by cookiezandcream at 11:27 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8622130
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 3:30 AM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

I’m in the same boat with you cookies. My husband once said —you should love him because you love me and He is a part of me. That was a year or so ago. I don’t remember what I said now. The truth is I don’t love him enough to try to love the affair child.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8624718
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Walkingthewire ( member #69084) posted at 5:40 AM on Saturday, February 13th, 2021

Then there's the people who say I need to not only let my husband have a relationship, but I need to be a stepmother too...

WHAT?!?! I will not be a 'step mother' to my H's bastard.

Married 17 years
BS (me) 37
WH 38
12 year old boy
8 year old girl (Idiopathic Pulmonary Hemosiderosis)
A Sept 2018 (while he was overseas)
D-Day Dec 9 2018
Working towards R

posts: 399   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8632932
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cookiezandcream ( new member #75902) posted at 4:11 AM on Saturday, March 13th, 2021

"WHAT?!?! I will not be a 'step mother' to my H's bastard."

Indeed. It's like people hear child and lose their everloving minds. Everyone agrees an affair is difficult and hard to move on from, but for some reason think an OC makes it better? Oh, sure, my husband betrayed my trust, broke my heart, and ruined my life, but of course I'll be able to accept the literal personification to all of this! Completely bonkers.

I've also been told I'd be sure to love the child too if I accepted them into my heart.

As I said, they have no idea what sort of pain comes with this. Yes, the child is innocent, but that doesn't change what they represent. I honestly don't understand how people can think this way. It makes the pain of an affair nothing in comparison.

[This message edited by cookiezandcream at 10:12 PM, March 12th (Friday)]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8641562
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 12:12 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

My WH decided to just ignore the fact that there is an OC. Because his AP didn't ask for a paternity test he assumes it's be abuse she lied and it isn't his. Though in the beginning he didn't doubt it at all, even wanted to just give her $ to go away.

About a year and a half after DD I asked him to delete the texts from her and the photos of the OC. He very reluctantly did it saying that it was hard because if it was his, it was the only photos he had.

It was crushing to hear that, which is why I worry that if she does show up and demands the test and it is his, is he going to want a relationship? He says no, but I don't believe him. I want NOTHING to do with the OC.

IDK why I'm thinking of this now, but it weighs heavily on me. Anyone relate?

posts: 350   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8709673
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plainpain ( member #40139) posted at 1:37 AM on Monday, January 24th, 2022

OC is 8 years old - after 3 years of court battles, my WH is finally getting to have visitation. OW has been poisoning OC against WH for his entire life. Today he asked my WH why he slept with his mom if he was married, and told him he that he can’t forgive him for that. He’s 8. That doesn’t seem like an age-appropriate question to me.

OW fully knew my WH was married. Not sure how I’m going navigate my own feelings about this. I’m prepared to "love him", if I ever get to meet him, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle not letting him know his mom is a fully grown adult who made her own choices and is responsible for the consequences.

This is so hard. Any advice for how to handle introducing an OC into the family, and how to navigate their feelings and conversations in a healthy mature manner is appreciated.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

posts: 875   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 8711488
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hopeful1881 ( new member #79860) posted at 8:19 PM on Monday, January 31st, 2022

Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice into integrating a OC into a family but wish you the very best in your journey.

I have just spent the day reading all 13 pages of this thread trying to find some peace and comfort in the stories of the other women on here.

It now appears that my story is far from unique. My husband and I have been together for seven years, just tied the knot a year ago. A series of events (we were long distance for my job, then he lost his job) lead to him having a secret affair with a woman for five months. He didn’t even tell me, one of her friends messaged me on social media to tell me what was going on. I had no idea it was even happening and I was completely devastated. We went to couple’s therapy and worked through a lot of our issues. I made the decision, against my better judgment, to forgive him and stay in the marriage. Contact was cut off with the woman he had an affair with and we were finally back in a good place. We renewed our vows at the beginning of the month and we were ready to move forward and start over with our lives. I get another message online the week after our vow renewal stating the girl is pregnant and she claims it is his child. He has been in communication with her to confirm this and it is true. We do not know if she is going to keep the child or not at this point.

From reading this entire thread, it sounds like the first thing we need to do is get a paternity test if this child comes to fruition. I just can’t believe this is my life…sorry this was more of a venting session than anything else. I am so ashamed, I haven’t told any of my friends or family. When did it become okay for our spouses to turn our lives into a nightmare?

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022
id 8712958
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 1:23 AM on Saturday, February 5th, 2022

The presence of an affair child is nearly constantly on my mind, even nearly 3 yrs from DD. I feel like it will drive me mad eventually. Today was especially hard. I thought that after this amount of time I would eventually, when he decides to be a part of his life, be able to stay and tolerate it but I just do not want to be a part of that child’s life. Nor do I want to share my husband with him. I need to try to gather the strength to let him go.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8713951
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hopeful1881 ( new member #79860) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, February 5th, 2022

^^Sending you strength. You have to do what is right for you, even if it's hard. You know deep down in your heart what you can and cannot tolerate.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022
id 8714110
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Salty16 ( member #60754) posted at 6:54 AM on Saturday, February 12th, 2022

I am so very sorry for your pain. I feel that while each of us share a common bond, our situations are very unique. There is no cut a dry answer to what to say or do if this happens... and no written in stone directions on if and how you should welcome the OC into your home. What works for one home may have a horrible reaction in the next.
Honestly, I don't have experience to share on integrating the OC gently into your home. But I would think that a good family counselor may be of assistance... and as always, to discuss with an attorney if there are visitations to draw out.
I truly hope the best for each of you in your situations.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 20 years at time of Dday
Dday: 1/16
A: 10 years prior
2 DD, 1 DS
A resulted in OC
I guess you consider us R. I stayed and taking day by day.

posts: 139   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2017
id 8715688
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Walkingthewire ( member #69084) posted at 7:10 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

I have no advice into allowing the OC into the family. WH’s AP is in another country on the other side of the world. Still don’t know if the child is my WHs. He looks nothing like either of my kids. At all. WH says it’s not his and as strong as his family’s genes are in my kids…idk.

Sending you all strength as we navigate through these murky waters.

Married 17 years
BS (me) 37
WH 38
12 year old boy
8 year old girl (Idiopathic Pulmonary Hemosiderosis)
A Sept 2018 (while he was overseas)
D-Day Dec 9 2018
Working towards R

posts: 399   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8717183
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