SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My first missed period: omg I’m pregnant. Second missed period: omg I’m pregnant. Third missed period: shit, im in menopause. One, two and three were shared with my husband.

As far as your children, maybe you really need to have adult conversations with your adult children.

36,

Kudos to you for retaining your sense of humour under fire. That made me laugh out loud when I read it, and I will file it away to use myself in future.

As for this latest melodrama, it is really just a repeat performance of a ploy that has been aired a few times already: involve other people, claim illness/distress. It is just manipulation, as you rightly identified, and you have had a ton of great advice here in response to it. Not your monkeys, not your show.

However, we can all appreciate how hard it is for a guy like you, who has always been supportive and a problem solver, to put your own well-being first, and to disengage and step back when someone is trying to manipulate you. It is not natural, is it? That's the thing with a lot of self-protection techniques. They can feel unnatural, or rude, or dispassionate, or uncaring. Things that are hard for a nice, caring person to do. And yet...Then you see how they really work to protect you when someone is trying to manipulate you to benefit your own agenda.

In my very first job, I wound up being pressured into giving my phone number to a guy who was promoting financial services and investment advice. One day, they called me at the office. It was lunchtime, and there was only me and one other guy in the office. I was on the phone for around fifteen minutes, trying to politely get rid of the guy, but that proved as easy as getting chewing gum out of your hair. I finally managed it, when I persuaded him that I had no money to invest, but I had his number, and I would call him if I ever did have cash to spare.

The other guy in the office was older than me, and he asked me who had called. I told him. He sighed, and said, "Just put the phone down on those people". I protested that I couldn't do that, it would be rude. My colleague laughed, and said, "And wasn't him calling you at your place of work and not taking no for an answer also a bit rude? I was sitting there listening to it, and I could tell you didn't want to be involved in that call. So could he, but he wanted your money, so he didn't care about your feelings, did he? If someone is going to treat you like that, why worry about being rude to them?"

I thought about it, and realised that he was right. Engaging with someone who ignores our feelings because doing so is beneficial for their own agenda is not beneficial for us, or our well-being. So now, I put the phone down on some people.

And it works.

So my advice to you, 36, is to step back and not get bogged down in the details of the latest gala performance to have rolled off the conveyor belt of consequence-dodging melodrama that your WW has dreamed up. Let "Do not engage" become your mantra, and then the details will stop mattering. They are just hooks, being used to try and pull you in, but that can only happen if you engage. Don't!

I am going to research that JADE thing mentioned by Timelessloss. I think we could all benefit from doing that.

You are doing the right thing by remaining detached from this latest street theatre performance, 36, and you are doing much better than you realise.

Sending strength and best wishes as always,

M.

M1965, thanks. I may be slow but I do catch on eventually.

I'm going to go to a friend's house tonight and kick back. He recorded The Walking Dead for me. I love the show and it seems to be the perfect entertainment in the season I find myself.

I'm going to go to a friend's house tonight and kick back. He recorded The Walking Dead for me. I love the show and it seems to be the perfect entertainment in the season I find myself.

Good idea, 36. Be with a friend, watch TV, and take time out from the drama of the day. Smiling at the dark humour too.

You, 36, are going to be alright.

36,

This is my first post in your thread, but I have been following every step of the way. You've gotten great advice, so I didn't have anything to add that hadn't already been covered.

BUT, being a woman in menopause, I can add some information in regards to that.

When we (wimmenz) first enter into menopause, periods can be missed for several months and then we'll have one. If I remember correctly, a woman has to have consistently missed periods for at least 12 months to be considered menopausal. I had been period free for two years and then had one come that freaked me out. All was OK - Dr. said just my body's last hurrah.

Women can get pregnant until they are confirmed menopausal, but the likelihood would be very, very slim if say, periods have been missed for 3-4 months consistently. At the typical age for menopause (early 50's), it would be extremely difficult for a woman to get pregnant anyway.

Hope this helps. I truly believe your WS is blowing smoke of desperation to try and get you to talk to her. Manipulation for sure.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 6:10 PM, October 30th (Monday)]

Being from a medical background. I can tell you that it is possible as above stated regarding irregular and gradually longer months between periods. However, being over 50 years old , the likely hood of carrying a pregnancy to birth would be overwhelmingly low. a woman is considered high risk pregnancy if is is over 35yo and the risk of genetic abnormality and miscarriage gets exponentially higher with age after the age of 40. At over the age of 50, I would say the success of giving birth to a healthy child is very, very , very low. I know that doesn't make you feel any better regarding a possible pregnancy. Just thought I would convey some facts.

My guess is she is and has been desperate. This is why it is in some ways dangerous to be in her company. Her behavior would be hard to predict, and might be quite extreme.

You have a lawyer, and I would let your lawyer handle the divorce. I don't buy the pregnancy story for a second.

The relationships that matter here are with your children. Honestly they are really the only thing worth spending brain cycles on. In my experience children tend to be pretty supportive of R. It's not hard to see why. In addition, wayward spouses often reach out to their children for support and as a result the children are more familiar with their side of the story.

I would over communicate with your children, and I would not let untrue statements from your WW go unchallenged.

FWIW I believe this is all most likely fallout from the death of your son. I suspect if you look back you will conclude that the marriage you thought existed at the time was real - a tragedy destroyed it. That is not to excuse your WW's behavior, and it does not change the fact that your WW is unsafe.

I suspect with time and distance you will get some measure of comfort that all of those years with her were not wasted.

Unfortunately the arc of your wife's life is headed in a very bad direction. It will be hard to watch, but I doubt there is anything you can effectively do about it.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 9:25 PM, October 30th (Monday)]

36, about the question how would you know if she started turning into reconciliation material if you don't communicate - somehow I think that you would see the signs. So don't worry about that.

Hey 36 I almost stopped coming on this site when I saw the white women comments - glad it was stopped.

Wow you have come so far from those early days, good to see you keeping up the nc! I love the idea of a podcast, it is so hard to find good help and advice on infidelity. Just after DDay I searched high and low for something like SI and we have nothing like this here in Australia. Even my IC went on to have a look and she now tells others about SI, it is an awesome site.

SO sorry things have been rough for you but really great to hear the positive tone in your posts again.

Surviving Infidelity is a never ending journey for all of us. Like you I never imagined I would be a BS and thought R would be a walk in the park after I made that decision but that is so so far from reality. We all have different stories but we learn and lean on each other. I'd love to see you do a podcast when you feel ready

Hey 36

You are dong quite well and I think that you know that. I am sure that you also know that there will still be the odd day that you feel down and question the decisions you have made.

Could I maybe suggest that you pop across to D/S and have a look at a post by TheAmazingWondertwin.

It might just give you a window into your likely future and how close that future could possibly be.

Hey 36 I almost stopped coming on this site when I saw the white women comments - glad it was stopped.

I was a bit shocked when I read his posts, but management jumped right on it as soon as they were informed and off he went to wherever people like that go.

Wow you have come so far from those early days, good to see you keeping up the nc! I love the idea of a podcast, it is so hard to find good help and advice on infidelity. Just after DDay I searched high and low for something like SI and we have nothing like this here in Australia. Even my IC went on to have a look and she now tells others about SI, it is an awesome site.

SI has been a real lifesaver for me. After DD I was completely lost and dysfunctional for a couple of weeks until I found SI. They, and all the people in our sad little club have been wonderful and helpful.

SO sorry things have been rough for you but really great to hear the positive tone in your posts again.

I still have good days and bad days, but thanks to this forum the bad days are not quite as bad,

Surviving Infidelity is a never ending journey for all of us. Like you I never imagined I would be a BS and thought R would be a walk in the park after I made that decision but that is so so far from reality. We all have different stories but we learn and lean on each other. I'd love to see you do a podcast when you feel ready

I am still considering doing a podcast. I think it could be healing.

Hey 36

You are dong quite well and I think that you know that. I am sure that you also know that there will still be the odd day that you feel down and question the decisions you have made.

Could I maybe suggest that you pop across to D/S and have a look at a post by TheAmazingWondertwin.

It might just give you a window into your likely future and how close that future could possibly be.

I did read her post. It appears she is doing well and certainly has retained her sense of humor.

I don't know about the odd day. I still question my decisions on a daily basis. I think more of that in looking back over my marriage I question ever getting married to her. If I can't trust that decision...

I got up early this morning to attend a 6am breakfast meeting with some friends. I went out to my car and it wasn't where I left it. It was now parked three spots away from where I thought I parked it.

I swear I only had one glass of wine before driving home last night. No, I don't think anyone moved my car.

Did any of you go through periods of autopilot and forgetfulness when you were post DD? There are some days I feel like I have dementia.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:22 AM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

R was the worst thing I've ever done for my health. I think that's one reason I don't always encourage people to stick it out anymore. I've aged 25 years at least. My teeth - cavity free up until 2008 - are now soft and riddled with cavities. I've spent $2700 fixing them and now I just don't have the funds to keep spending.

If you need to be away from your wife in order to retain your health, be away from her. Go to the doctor. Take documentation to your lawyer. Try to get a protection order. Maybe then your children will see you're not just avoiding R, you're keeping yourself safe!

Also, might be time to stop drinking... at least for now.

Good luck today!

YES! I've put stuff in the freezer that was meant to go in the fridge, put clothes in the dryer and not started it, had TWO fender benders on the same morning!

Your mind will come back. Don't worry.

YES! I've put stuff in the freezer that was meant to go in the fridge, put clothes in the dryer and not started it, had TWO fender benders on the same morning!

Your mind will come back. Don't worry.

I'm finding I do lots of things that I can't remember doing later, some things that I don't realize I'm doing...and then there are those long drives where I end up in places I had no idea I was going...with the exception of ending up at the POSOM's house.

The human mind is a funny thing. I also daydream more than I ever have in the past.

No, I don't think anyone moved my car.

Yeah... your probably right.

But...know this. I knew of a guy that caught his wife cheating. She would meet up with OM and she would leave her car in a store parking lot. A couple of times he would move her car to another store parking lot. She got the police involved. Not good. But he didn't care. It drove her crazy trying to figure it out.

36,

Are you taking a sleep aid? I found Ambien/Zolpidem can do weird stuff to your memory up to completely blacking out your memory while it's taking effect, along with poor short-term memory after use.

I'm finding I do lots of things that I can't remember doing later, some things that I don't realize I'm doing...and then there are those long drives where I end up in places I had no idea I was going...with the exception of ending up at the POSOM's house.

The human mind is a funny thing. I also daydream more than I ever have in the past.

Yeah, I remember those days. My dd helped pull me thru.

I tried Ambien back in the 90s. Awful med. I started sleepwalking and sleep driving. I'm not currently taking a sleep med and I am stopping the antidepressants.

I think my brain is too busy processing the trauma to help me focus on little things like where I parked.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 9:18 AM, November 1st (Wednesday)]

I think my brain is too busy processing the trauma to help me focus on little things like where I parked.

If this is a real problem for you (it was for me), maybe talk to your PCP or an ND.