I have always been very protective of my wife. I never wanted to do anything that might cause her pain or embarrass her. But now, if I don't address the issue straight on, I'm the one who looks like a fool or an ass.
"Protecting" her at this juncture is abetting her behavior. I'm not saying go rent a billboard, but I am saying that you no longer need to be the keeper of her secrets. There's a saying around here: you chose the action, you chose the consequence. Other people finding out is a consequence of having an illicit extramarital affair.
I love my kids, but I have never let them see me cry. I was raised in the generation of real men don't cry. It is very difficult for me to let them see me weak, upset devastated or weeping. It's an entirely new paradigm for me.
This must be very difficult for a man to deal with, particularly with adult male children. However, when we share our vulnerability with trusted others, we give our relationship with them a chance to deepen and grow on more levels. I don't think you should feel embarrassed about how you feel. It's up to you how and what you communicate to your children, but it is perfectly normal to have some degree of upset, particularly in your case.
For the first time in my life I have developed an anger issue. It's all directly related to my wife screwing the POSOM. I don't want my children to see that component of this mess.
I think it's okay to be angry as long as it is controlled. This is an anger-provoking act on your WW's part. My former spouse used to make a big deal about "please don't hate me." My therapist at the time said, "It's OKAY to hate him--look at what he's done to you and what he continues to do. Again, sharing our emotions with trusted others gives our relationships a chance to grow and become deeper.
I know everybody here seems to have clear cut reasoning for what I, or anyone else in a similar situation, should do. Immediately file for divorce, go NC, do the 180, open new bank accounts, etc., etc. These are apparently tried, true and effective, but quite foreign to me.
It's okay to feel a bit at sea with all of these changes. You recognize, of course, that these recommendations are tried and true from people who have been there where you are now--people who wish they had done something completely different vs. the Pick Me dance and other demeaning things they thought would get them out of infidelity. You'll get there--we're here for you.
My wife has an affair and I'm the one who has to change who I am? She cheats and therefore I have to change my personality, character, thinking and everything I do?
This is not easy for me. It seems so unfair. I don't want to remain in infidelity, but I also don't want to become so far removed from who I am that I no longer recognize myself.
No, we don't want you to be someone you are not, but we want your ACTIONS to state firmly and without ambivalence that you are no longer willing to live in infidelity. What your WW chooses to do--remaining actively in infidelity, being a "dry drunk" with regards to infidelity (this would be not actively engaging in infidelity, but continuing to not work on herself, deal with her issues, help you heal, etc.) or actually become a remorseful person you can engage in building a new relationship with.
Again, actions, meet consequences. You no longer wish to live in infidelity. That is your choice. A potential consequence is that your marriage ends because your partner is NOT willing to get out of infidelity. You're still the same person with the same kindness and grace--you're just standing up and putting some boundaries around that kind and graceful person because your partner was actively hurting you and taking advantage of your kindness and grace.
I struggle with this all the time. I struggle with the thought that I should reach out to this woman whom I have loved for nearly all of my adult life.
Of course it is difficult. For decades, you have shared life's difficulties with this person and she has been a source of comfort for you. Now she is not. That's a huge sea change. It will take time for that to feel like your new normal. IC will help. Trust us.
I want my children to know they should never put up with infidelity, but I also want them to know that where sin abounds, grace abounds more abundantly.
What's important here is that grace should be shared with those who are actively working to get out of infidelity and heal the relationship they wantonly broke. "Cheap Forgiveness" does no one any good and actually can provide a path to more infidelity and harm to the relationship.
And don't believe that malarkey about "forgiveness is necessary for you to heal." If the person is still actively hurting you, why should you forgive them? I strive here for acceptance of what has happened, not to forgive someone who continues to engage in hurtful, deliberate actions designed only to cause me pain.
In my view, forgiveness is earned, not bestowed to make someone feel better about themselves. The first step to earning forgiveness is to cease affair behaviors of deception, non-transparency, etc. She's not there, and she has told you she doesn't WANT to be there. So bestowing any forgiveness on her is cheap. Meaningless. She hasn't earned any of this. She may never earn any of this (particularly if she is indeed disordered, which I think is more likely than not).
I have no doubt that if you had a partner who was truly willing and capable of doing the hard work it takes to rebuild a marriage after an extramarital affair, you would find within you a veritable well of grace, understanding and acceptance as you work through the process.
Cat
