SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry about that, the comment was meant to demonstrate the wayward perspective, not a normal one. Some engage in affairs because they offer risk and taboo. No reflection on us betrayed spouses.

I get why you are wanting to just confront already as keeping this in is monstrously difficult and distracting. On the other hand you want more proof (ideally). Think about what criteria would fit this bill for you and how you might get it.

If/when stealth isn't an option, then it seems you can start asking questions more directly. From your first post:

Later that night a mutual friend of mine advise me in a very drunken state that my wife in this OM have been having an affair off and on for several years and that it was common knowledge, that I should watch my wife what she keeps disappearing at the party.

This guy can be pressed for more information and who else might know information. What are you plans regarding that get together tonight?

As other's have said, the better play is to not reveal your sources or the full extent of what you know.

Once again you are doing extremely well.

Sorry about that, the comment was meant to demonstrate the wayward perspective, not a normal one. Some engage in affairs because they offer risk and taboo. No reflection on us betrayed spouses.

I get why you are wanting to just confront already as keeping this in is monstrously difficult and distracting. On the other hand you want more proof (ideally). Think about what criteria would fit this bill for you and how you might get it.

If/when stealth isn't an option, then it seems you can start asking questions more directly. From your first post:

Later that night a mutual friend of mine advise me in a very drunken state that my wife in this OM have been having an affair off and on for several years and that it was common knowledge, that I should watch my wife what she keeps disappearing at the party.

This guy can be pressed for more information and who else might know information. What are you plans regarding that get together tonight?

As other's have said, the better play is to not reveal your sources or the full extent of what you know.

Once again you are doing extremely well.

Antlered-I was messing with you after what I have been through, I have no feelings left. I am going to a cookout today

and I will speak with my friend.

First of all, I am so sorry that your wife has made these choices, and that you are in this position...hurting.

I'm so glad you found the good people on this site, who I'm sure have been a big help to you.

I have read your posts, and many things popped out at me, as with all of us. But one thing in particular was this...

...if she is having an affair and I am not getting my needs met , this is what I find is unforgivable.

I do not judge this statement. I may have taken it out of context. And I know all about having all kinds of feelings overflowing.

But I guess my response to the above comment would be...

"If she is having an affair and you ARE getting your needs met...would it still be unforgivable?"

If not, then I think this is something you should really look at... and figure out why.

First of all, I am so sorry that your wife has made these choices, and that you are in this position...hurting.

I'm so glad you found the good people on this site, who I'm sure have been a big help to you.

I have read your posts, and many things popped out at me, as with all of us. But one thing in particular was this...

...if she is having an affair and I am not getting my needs met , this is what I find is unforgivable.

I do not judge this statement. I may have taken it out of context. And I know all about having all kinds of feelings overflowing.

But I guess my response to the above comment would be...

"If she is having an affair and you ARE getting your needs met...would it still be unforgivable?"

If not, then I think this is something you should really look at... and figure out why.

.

WhatsRight, Having an affair is a deal breaker for me, I was able to get over a onetime lesbian ons. If she was having a LTA while her needs were met and I was doing without and believing that It was perhaps something that I wasn't doing right in our marriage. I lived by the rules and silently suffered.....that to me is just ten ways of wrong and makes me more angry than you can imagine. My WW is in panic mode because the old bear is now awake and Not in a pretty mood.

I can certainly understand that.

She is used to being treated well, so I'm sure she knows something is up.

You sound like a man of integrity. I can see why the ole bear is awake now. Be sure you don't let your anger compromise your integrity.

Whatever your decision is, and how you choose to implement your decision...keep your integrity.

That can be hard, because this shit is hard.

Whatever your decision is, and how you choose to implement your decision...keep your integrity.

That can be hard, because this shit is hard.

WhatsRight- That is absolutely true, this is certainly hard. One minute she is a loving crying mess the next she is an angry werebitch.

One minute she is a loving crying mess the next she is an angry werebitch

And that's that VAR is going to be your best friend. Once you have your proof, then you confront, then tell her you are divorcing her she will every manipulation trick in the book. Including accusing you of domestic violence.

Also, if you can get her to admit to you that she engaged in the affair then that's YOUR personal evidence to share with others to clear your name and defend against any of her marital rewriting. They hear her manipulation on tape and they won't believe her version of how the marriage was like.

One minute she is a loving crying mess the next she is an angry werebitch

And that's how the VAR is going to be your best friend. Once you have your proof, then you confront, then tell her you are divorcing her she will every manipulation trick in the book. Including accusing you of domestic violence.

Also, if you can get her to admit to you that she engaged in the affair then that's YOUR personal evidence to share with others to clear your name and defend against any of her marital rewriting. They hear her manipulation on tape and they won't believe her version of how the marriage was like.

You're definitely on the right track.

It'll all come out in the wash.

Regarding the guy who informed you of the two-year affair: Play your cards close to the vest during the visit.

Let him do most of the talking.

Guys like him will usually offer up additional details just to prove their allegation--no prompting needed.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 2:43 PM, September 23rd (Saturday)]

UM,

Yesterday, you posted:

One thing that I have observed with my WW she is always flirting with men including my younger brother. If I say something she goes on the warpath and makes me out to be jealous and controlling. WW has also complained about me to my female cousins who she is close friends with. They are friends but I am family and I am truly a very good person and outside of this circle of clowns, I am well respected.

That, right there, is her Achilles heel.

If you are emotionally up to it, you can stage an experiment. Get your younger brother to initiate an inappropriate contact with her, via email, messenger, or whatever. See how she responds. If she responds to it inappropriately, and the person contacting her is saving the evidence, whether digital, or on a VAR, it will be cast iron proof, won't it?

However, you would really need to be in the right place emotionally to do this, because an inappropriate response from her would be very hard to face.

There also agencies that specialise in setting up scenarios to test fidelity. They can provide attractive men or women to approach and flirt with a spouse and report on the response. This would be another avenue for obtaining evidence. Again, though, you would need to prepare for a result that is not what you would like to hear.

Any updates, Uman?

Did I miss something?

From going from suspected infidelity and a girls-out weekend it seems you are 100% convinced she’s cheating… No ifs or buts about it.

This thread is getting too heated and too emotional. I have seen this happen too many times. Sadly – I think my point of view in these situations isn’t listened to. What’s happening right now is the equivalent of when cops automatically assume a young driver in an expensive car stole it. We are jumping to conclusions.

Too much sex and love bombing is proof of infidelity.

No sex and no display of love is proof of infidelity.

Constant contact is proof of infidelity.

No contact is proof of infidelity….

There really isn’t any way to win is there?

Unsure – deal with what you KNOW.

What did your friend tell you about the rumors?

What did the PI give you?

This advice still stands and frankly I haven’t seen anyone offer you a better deal:

When your wife comes home then sit her down.

Tell her your concerns. Tell her that the suspicion and the distrust is going to drive you crazy and wreck the marriage. Tell her that being told of an affair won’t necessarily wreck the marriage, but ongoing lies or your ongoing suspicion DEFINITELY will.

Tell her that unfortunately your trust in her is close to zero right now. It’s not what you want, but that incident in the tub has led to this and you don’t WANT to be there, but you are. Give her a grace-period. Tell her that she has 60 minutes to think this over but that she needs to tell you the truth before that time is over. Refusing to talk will be seen by you as admittance to infidelity.

Promise her that even if she confesses to having an affair you won’t file. You will give your marriage a 30-day period with no drastic decisions.

Then tell her that if she admits to an affair or if she denies an affair you have set up a meeting with a poly-examiner next Wednesday.

If she refuses to go you take it as an admittance of guilt. If she passes the poly and there was no infidelity you promise to work on your issues. But be VERY CLEAR (and be prepared to stand by it) that IF she claims there was no affair and if she fails… Its game over.

Did I miss something?

From going from suspected infidelity and a girls-out weekend it seems you are 100% convinced she’s cheating… No ifs or buts about it.

This thread is getting too heated and too emotional. I have seen this happen too many times. Sadly – I think my point of view in these situations isn’t listened to. What’s happening right now is the equivalent of when cops automatically assume a young driver in an expensive car stole it. We are jumping to conclusions.

Too much sex and love bombing is proof of infidelity.

No sex and no display of love is proof of infidelity.

Constant contact is proof of infidelity.

No contact is proof of infidelity….

There really isn’t any way to win is there?

Unsure – deal with what you KNOW.

What did your friend tell you about the rumors?

What did the PI give you?

This advice still stands and frankly I haven’t seen anyone offer you a better deal:

When your wife comes home then sit her down.

Tell her your concerns. Tell her that the suspicion and the distrust is going to drive you crazy and wreck the marriage. Tell her that being told of an affair won’t necessarily wreck the marriage, but ongoing lies or your ongoing suspicion DEFINITELY will.

Tell her that unfortunately your trust in her is close to zero right now. It’s not what you want, but that incident in the tub has led to this and you don’t WANT to be there, but you are. Give her a grace-period. Tell her that she has 60 minutes to think this over but that she needs to tell you the truth before that time is over. Refusing to talk will be seen by you as admittance to infidelity.

Promise her that even if she confesses to having an affair you won’t file. You will give your marriage a 30-day period with no drastic decisions.

Then tell her that if she admits to an affair or if she denies an affair you have set up a meeting with a poly-examiner next Wednesday.

If she refuses to go you take it as an admittance of guilt. If she passes the poly and there was no infidelity you promise to work on your issues. But be VERY CLEAR (and be prepared to stand by it) that IF she claims there was no affair and if she fails… Its game over.

Bigger, I am listening and I am crazy stressed over the comments made to me by my drunk friend in regards to my wife's infidelity. I want the truth but I am quickly loosing patience. I haven't spoken to the PI and tonight I wasn't able to speak with the drunk friend because the OM would not leave me alone and he was trying to be my friend and engage me in conversation. Tonight didn't accomplish what I had hoped for, but I will regroup tomorrow and figure my next move. Devoid of any new evidence your plan is a smart play.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 10:46 PM, September 23rd (Saturday)]

Well, at least you know the OM wasn't on the trip. That's something at least.

Can you get up with the friend in the know one on one to get the scoop?

You need to tell OM that he is not welcome around you or your family. I don't give a shit how small a town is or what your social circle would do at some point you can't have all of this crap in your life.

Part of getting out of infidelity is getting rid of everything that kills you inside. Life is too short.

Let me get this straight.

You're allowing a man who dismissed your wife's immorality as 'the girls having fun' to chat you up?

I got a confession with nothing more than a feeling.

We had a member here who went on his brother seeing his WW walking hand and hand with OM.

This is not a criminal case.

One thing you can do is lie better than her. Tell her numerous people have told you about the affair and it is common knowledge.

Stick to your guns.

UM

I wasn't able to speak with the drunk friend because the OM would not leave me alone and he was trying to be my friend and engage me in conversation.

If the affair with the OM is true, my take is that the OM is exerting his dominance over you without you knowing it. Behind the friendly smile, he is smirking in his head that he had his way with your wife.

I'm sure you are having anxiety from your wife returning today. Be aware she will sex you up. Keep in mind that this is not an act of affection but a manipulation tactic. I'm not saying that you should refuse her advances but be cautious.

I agree with some of the posters who suggested to get your WW drunk to get information. Seems like she has loose lips when she's under the influence. But from your previous posts, there are indication that she is really stressed out and ready to fess up but afraid of the consequences.

How are your conversation about infidelity start during her vacation? Does she bring it up without you mentioning anything? Also, you stated that she surely knows that you know what's going on? How can you confirm this without all speculation that we are all doing.

Good to hear from you.

Bigger offers great advice as always regarding how to confront when it comes time. He has a keen analytical mind with investigative experience.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I see it as a positive sign that you are overheated. Your story included two prior instances of rugsweeping infidelity. Then what brought you here was a friend informing you of a years' long affair with previous OM. Despite that your thread title was 'you have a gut feeling'. So this time around, a little upset to motivate you to follow up this time around is for lack of a better word, 'good'.

Now use our advice and channel that heat to your use. I have full confidence that you will be smart and use that fire to heat the locomotive's boiler rather than burning down the city. (Some people understandably don't act completely rationally in this situation) Bigger was likely wanting to prevent that by refocusing you on getting information before burning it all down.

Glad you survived the get together! Too bad you didn't get the informant alone. Why not follow up today? You could just knock on his door and tell him you need to talk about what he said to you at the party. He won't be comfortable but he should understand given he was the one who brought it to your attention. There are recording apps for your phone if you want to take notes.

The more prior information you have, and the more measured and calm you are when you set your wife down for the talk, the more productive it will be. Just like any other interview.

UM,

I salute you for keeping your cool when the OM was pretending to be your friend. I think I would have lost it, and blasted him verbally in front of everyone. I am not proud of that, but I know what I am like. I think you handled it better.

Speaking of which, you have Bigger on the case, which is extremely good. He has a good heart, an analytical mind, and experience in the tough real world of law enforcement. I just wish he had been available when I was in crisis, but while he was physically around, the internet was not!

You will get through this, UM, and you have a great resource here that can serve as your secret back-up team. As everyone always says, take what is good/useful, and discard the rest.