SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I have been reading the information here for a few months, since my DD, but I didn't think I needed to post here. But things have changed.

My wife had a one-time indiscretion 5/10/17. I came home early from work (I usually am on a very predictable schedule) and found a very frantic and half-dressed wife trying to keep me out of our bedroom.

When I got there, I found unmistakable sex "juices" (sorry TMI) in our bed. I was devastated but also was told this was a one time thing. The man was someone she didn't even know his name that she had met while having lunch out and just needed to get it out of her system because we got married young. I must have just missed him (or later realized maybe he was hiding in our house?)

Of course I was devastated but I guess reassured somewhat that this was just a one time thing and not a relationship. And I was confident I could save our marriage. Marriage therapy, I promised to start paying more attention to her, the works.

I bought us a 7 day Alaska cruise that we couldn't really afford to help us spend time together and heal. And why she wanted a lot of time alone on the cruise, thought we were on the path towards R. (In fact I would have said up until earlier this week that we had achieved R.)

I was wrong.

Yesterday, I got waved over to talk to the guy who most days works in the security hut at the entrance to our housing development.

I know him pretty well because not only do I see him multiple times a day many days as I drive in/out, but also our house is the second one past the hut. So I see him when getting my mail, parking my car, mowing the lawn, etc. I wouldn't go so far to call him a personal friend, but we are friendly.

He said he had been thinking about how to talk to me about this, but decided he just needed to tell me. For more than the last year, a man has been coming into my house many days during the week. Most days, he said. He didn't know if something was going on at first, but earlier this week on a day he wasn't in the hut (you can use a card key to get in if the guard has stepped away), he saw video footage of the man with his hands down my wife's shirt while they drove through the gate.

He showed me very clear footage of that incident and also one earlier in the week when the man came to our door and my wife let him in. He said he only has about 4 days of video but he estimated this man came over maybe 75-100 times that he saw in the last year?

Well he shows me the picture and suddenly a bunch of things become clear. I know this man! He was on our Alaska cruise and in fact was one of the people sitting at our dining table every night, who usually sat on the other side of my wife.

I get blinding mad. I storm in the house and tell my wife what I know. She denied things at first and I said I saw this footage. She says you don't know what you say, etc. I say let's go to the security hut and look at it together and now she changes her tune.

Oh she has been "dating" this man for the last 3 months. He doesn't have a job and has lots of time to spend with her. "She" bought him a ticket to the cruise and all of the time alone she needed to get her head straight was actually them screwing in his cabin. I put "she" in quotes because she doesn't have a job either and I earn all the money.

She says she wants to stay with me, is so sad about what happened and this won't happen again. She can't "break it off" though because she doesn't know how to contact him (which also doesn't make sense to me.)

Now I don't know what to do. The security guy says he has seen this guy regularly for more than a year. My wife says only a few months. She swears and swears it.

Obviously I want to get to R and as quickly as I can. But I am hurt. I feel sick sleeping on my bed thinking about am I sleeping on his sperm. I still don't know who he is but I keep playing back memories of us chatting on the cruise, me having no idea that he was sleeping with my wife the whole time.

I am lost as to next steps. I want my wife back! I feel humiliated and sad.

Please help!

Welcome to SI, the club you never wanted to join.

Please take the time to focus on and take care of yourself. Guidelines for that can be found in the Healing Library in the left-hand corner of the page.

Sorry to be blunt, but your wife is just spouting words and empty promises at this point. She needs to be completely NC with the guy if there's any chance of reconciliation. But right now, she isn't safe for you and she isn't the woman you thought you knew. Her actions are what you need to pay attention to.

Do you really believe she doesn't know how to contact him? How did she know when to meet up with him and such? How many times has this guy been in your bed? Does she not feel anything at all at the fact that you've been sleeping in their splooge, the fact that she brought him on a cruise meant for only you two to connect? She has a long way to go before you can even try to reconcile.

Hi MT,

Sorry you find yourself here. Great folks in crappy situations.

It certainly sounds like you do not have the whole truth and you can't even start processing this until you get the story. Hopefully you have read in the healing library -if not, please do so.

Maybe you can look at her phone ? Probably how they communicate....

And be sure to get sleep, eat what you can, drink lots of water. Get tested for STDs (her too and make sure you see the results). Take care of you so you can have a good frame of mind to make decisions.

Keep posting - tell us if you have kids, how long married, etc. it helps with the advise.

Things can be slow on weekends, but others with more advise will be by soon.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 9:32 PM, August 19th, 2017 (Saturday)]

Oh boy.

The security guy has no reason to lie, but your wife does. So his numbers are more accurate than hers.

She doesn't know his name? LoL but she got a ticket for him. yes he was in the house if she was still half dressed...Screwing him in the house for a year in your bed is pretty awful but bringing him on the cruise takes her contempt for you and the marriage to an extreme.

Why does she want to stay with you? You have a huge task ahead of you before you even consider R.

You need to find out how many other men she has been screwing. This ain't her first rodeo, that would have been more discreet. You are along way from MC.

Good luck, other members will offer advice. Listen to it.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:55 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

Why does she want to stay with you?

Money. You can take cruises. You live in a place that has security guards.

You're a meal ticket. And a provider of tickets for cruises to your "wife" and her plaything. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if there was a large life assurance policy out on you somewhere.

Get thee to a lawyer, my friend. Put her out of the house before you wake up dead some evening.

And buy that security guard the biggest steak the man has ever seen.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 4:59 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

I have to agree, what is there to save here. I'm so sorry, this is a horrible betrayal on SO many levels. My WW did a lot of horrible things through her A's but if this were me, I would be filing for D ASAP.

Based on what you have said, I would tend to believe the security guard a hundred times over your "wife". She has probably been cheating all of your married life and using your money to fund it. This is very simple - dump her! Do you have kids ?

^^^ what Forks said. I'm sorry that you have need to be here.

My WXHx2 did the same thing...invited OW and sometimes her kids on our family vacations. I'm only really finding out alot of stuff post second divorce. Never had a clue. OW has a job so she paid her own freight. He also would be missing for long periods of time...wandering around and 'exploring'. She didn't sit with us on the cruise. Big ship with lots of people so I never saw her.

She knows how to contact him. You can't even start reconciling until she tells you the whole, unvarnished truth.

you wouldnt do this conniving to your worst enemy

this is out right pain and disrespect

She obviously has you out of her system theres nothing left there apart from bankrolling these elaborate plans to disgrace you

She must be sending out a truck load of signals if this guy got her into a cabin while you the husband was present which he must have known

and this might be the only one shes been caught on iis shes that easy I dont think id be able to come back from this betrayal

We have been married for 5 years, together 2 before that. No kids, the only STD is I had a herpes breakout a few years into our marriage but she doesn't have herpes so not sure where that came from. But under control now.

We have been faithful in our marriage other than this recent incident.

I did catch her cheating while we were engaged (a work acquaintance saw her and another man necking at a Chili's while I was at work) but that was just butterflies/trepidation about the upcoming marriage (which I'm sure is not uncommon.) But we got through that, carried on with the wedding, and have not looked back during all those years until now.

I wouldn't say we have the perfect marriage or are always super close, but we enjoy watching movies together, still have sex at least once a month, enjoy some of the same music etc. She is very attractive and I am not in great shape, so I do think I am punching out of my league a little bit with her.

She needs a lot of time alone, and since I'm alone all day at work, I often feel like chatting when I get home but she just wants to be alone on her phone, playing games on it or whatever. Or out seeing movies by herself, etc. She is a bit of an introvert.

In terms of she knowing OM and how to get in contact, you make a good point in terms of scheduling meeting up, etc. But also she literal to my face swore that she didn't know how to get in contact with him, like look me in the eyes crying kind of swear. I have a hard time imagining my wife, who I took wedding vows with, lying directly and bluntly to my face.

In terms of getting her phone, ha ha. She is very protective of her phone and has always been. This is not an "affair" thing. She just believes very strongly in personal privacy. I've asked to borrow it like when my phone is charging to look something up and she always says no get your own. This has been going on since we've lived together though... not a new thing. She sleeps with it under her pillow and charges it during the day. I don't have the passcode, doubt I could get in even if I wanted to.

I really want to get to R with her. I read about NC and mentioned that in the DD #2 conversation, but her point is "I don't know how to get in contact with him so of course there will be NC."

She has also threatened the housing association who pays for the security guard. (Well has told me if I try finding more evidence she will get him fired, she hasn't actually taken any action yet.) She is very furious at him. I definitely don't want the guy to get fired over this.

There is some extra information. I would really appreciate next steps. Obviously we will go back to marriage counseling again. Would some sort of couples retreat help? I've read about one specifically for couples who are having trouble communicating honestly.

I'm really sorry for your pain, Monotone. But I'm with Forged on this one. It's actually pretty scary that this woman could use you to that extent.. bringing a stranger into your home and into your bed, buying him a cruise ticket with YOUR money, sitting him at the same table... it's insane. She's still lying right to your face about being able to contact him. She hasn't even bothered to come up with a plausible lie.

Please see an attorney. At the minimum, make sure that no life insurance can EVER be cashed by her if something happens to you. I'm not usually paranoid, but this is one of the sickest stories I've heard on here, and that's saying something.

Again... I'm so sorry. But you need to think about protecting yourself and your assets.

$100 says she is not seeing "movies" by "herself".

Why wouldn't she lie, she's been having at least 1+ year long affair(s).

You will soon be receiving more 2x4s than a lumberyard.

Oh monotone,

She is taking you for one HUGE ride, and I'm so very sorry. As the others have said, I'd believe the guard 1000 times more than your wife. And, as to her looking you right in the eyes and "swearing" - pfffffffffffftttttttt! My exH, when confronted, held my face in his hands, looked me square in the eyes, and said "I could never cheat on you; I LOVE YOU!". Well, he was lying through his teeth, and had been cheating for YEARS. So, don't put too much stock in her feeling that your vows and her truthfulness are "sacred". This woman, IMHO, is lying, lying, lying. I'm so sorry, but she is.

It is waaaaaaaaaay too early to even consider MC. Your wife has all the classic signs of cheating and you KNOW it's been going on longer than she says. And, buying the OM a ticket for your cruise and then banging him in the room that YOU paid for??? OMG, that would be the dealbreaker for me. She's secretive with her phone to the point that she sleeps with it under her pillow? That phone has a TON of damning evidence on it - count on that. And of course she knows how to get in contact with OM! Don't you think she's calling him all the time when you're out of the house and the coast is clear???

And you have herpes but she doesn't. And, that happened about 2 years into your marriage? Some people can be carriers and not have the outbreaks. There is no question in my mind that your wife brought herpes to you. And if you don't take off your rose-colored glasses and get immediate STD tests, she and her OM may bring you something much, much worse like HIV.

And, you're only having sex 1x a month??? You consider that normal in a marriage? Trust me, it's NOT. She's having sex with OM 4x a week, for crying out loud!!

She needs a lot of "alone time". Bullshit! She doesn't work and is SUPPOSED to be alone all freaking day! She's playing you royally, monotone. She's using you for financial security and is a serial cheater. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I'm begging you to look at your wife and this marriage more objectively.

monotone, my recommendation would be to get a full STD workup ASAP, and do NOT sleep with your wife. THEN, get yourself to a lawyer to find out what your rights are. I'm sorry to say that there isn't a marriage worth saving right now. You've got to take some decisive and swift action that shows your wife that you will not tolerate 3 people in your marriage.

Okay, where do we begin....first off, your wife is definitely lying to you, from beginning to end.

Her alone time is betraying you either setting up dates or screwing OM while she's telling you she's at the movies.

LIsten, you've only been married 5 years, not sure where you live but the spousal support will be minimal at this stage. If you truly want to get to R with her, it will be with you being strong.....much stronger than you are now.

Go ahead and file for D. You can chose to stop it at any time but she is not in the mindset of R, she is giving you Crocadile tears to work you down. Until she gives you her phone, the phone number and address of the OM and a polygraph, you have no chance at R. Trust me, and the rest of the supporters you have on the site. We are clear, rational and thinking straight. The longer you play the pick me dance, the less likely you'll get to where you want to be.

You should begin to look at her actions rather than her words...she's telling you what you want to her but she's doing her. Her threats to the security guard are clear evidence to that.....lawyer up, have her serve and give her the conditions to stop the process. do it sooner than later as the longer you're married, the more expensive she will become post marriage, unless of course you're okay sharing her and only getting her on a once a month rotation.

Additionally, I am willing to be that she does have herpes and honestly, i think you know this but want to believe her....

Sorry man, that's the way i see it here.

You seem inclined to give your wife the benefit of the doubt despite a history of cheating and lying. You can't even be sure the two times you caught her were the only times she has cheated on you. The first time someone saw her and told you, and the second you basically caught her in the act. And it sounds like you automatically believed whatever stories/lies that she told you to cover her ass moreso because you wanted to.

You want to put this behind you and R as quickly as possible?? That's not only completely unrealistic you're just setting yourself up to be cheated on again.

Like someone else said you need to be speaking to an attorney. Your wife was showing her true colors before the marriage and you rug swept it and made excuses for her. She's showed you those colors again in an even worse way and you just want to get over it and put it behind you. That's not a healthy mentality to take in a marriage or any relationship.

Has your wife suffered ANY consequences for her behaviors??

Why do you want to stay in this marriage so badly??? Your wife basically took a giant shit on you and your response was to take her on a 7 day cruise??? And to top that off she was willing to shit on you again during the cruise. Do you not see the problem with how you've been handling this??

[This message edited by JS84 at 5:32 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

We have been faithful in our marriage other than this recent incident

No, mate. You may well have been. I'm not going to dispute that. But she has not.

You had a herpes breakout. You say she's clean, but did you actually see her test results? Did she even take a test?

Of course she wants the security guard fired. But note the threat: she'll have him fired if YOU go digging for more info.

As to her swearing that she doesn't know how to contact OM....thats a crock of shit. She had enough info on him to get him a cruise rocket. She drives him to your house.

You need to watch yourself here. You are - literally - being set up for something. This woman has zero respect for you, a skilled liar and is arrogant enough to bring this guy on your cruise and into your bed.

Lawyer. Now.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 5:35 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

Don't laugh, she did push for an increase in my life insurance last fall (I get a certain amount at work and she wanted to 10x it.) But it is mostly because she doesn't work and wanted to be taken care of in the event something happened to me.

I didn't end up getting it because it required a physical which I haven't had time to get scheduled.

You are making it sound like I am in some sort of fatal attraction movie or something ha ha.

Gallows humor, maybe it is the only way.

Well for starters , your wife is lying her ass off. I would believe the security guard. He has no reason to lie and could probably lose his job if he did . Be prepared for the worst . You may find out that your wife has been doing this for quite a while.

As far as privacy , privacy and secrecy are 2 different things. She is being secretive. She doesnt engage with you when you want to come home because she is using you for a free ride. You can look up the phone records on line and see calls and texts, you dont need to see her phone per se. It seems like your wife is using her time away from you to "date " other men. As far as not being able to "break it off", thats a bunch of crap. She knows how to reach him.

If it were me I would see a lawyer asap. She is not remorseful one bit. She isnt a good candidate for R. What is she willing to do to gain your trust again? Is she willing to be transparent ? Is she willing to let you look thru her phone , emails, social media? Probably not . People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The reason she has a thing about privacy is because she is cheating and doesnt want you to find out.

You deserve better than a serial cheater who plays you for a fool. No kids ? Run like hell.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 5:38 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

I just have no words.

I'm not trying to waste your time with a "non-response response", but I want you to know this is past unbelievable.

How do you know she has been faithful until now?

Is sex once a month reasonable to you?

You want to be with her, but she wants to play games "or whatever"?

OK, I understand the feeling of someone being out of your league physically. But this does not give her license to cheat.

Also, she seems to have no remorse if she is still lying (doesn't know how to contact him ), and is focusing her attention on punishing the guard for "outing" her, rather than being forthcoming and accountable.....and remorseful.

I'm so sorry you need to be here, but there are many people here that can help you with seeing things clearly, as well as how to proceed.

I guess I did have words.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:44 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

Don't laugh, she did push for an increase in my life insurance last fall (I get a certain amount at work and she wanted to 10x it.) But it is mostly because she doesn't work and wanted to be taken care of in the event something happened to me.

I'm not laughing. Not even a little bit. I represent murderers for a living and this has all the hallmarks of a plot to kill you.

In fact, it is my personal and professional opinion that you would be dead now if you'd taken that physical.

You need to go to an attorney and you need to go to the police. Now. Don't tell her that you're going. But go.

Go to a hotel and stay there. Call your attorney and tell him what's happened.

Do NOT go back home until your attorney has contacted the police.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 5:43 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]