SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Come on ... You tell us that she has increased your life insurance without telling you. Has a guy or two sleeping with her and/or watching your house. Needs to know everyone you told about OM and the affair and a promise that you will not breath another word about it...

You have 10 pages of people (including special crimes professionals) telling you that you life is in danger from your wife and you write....

Today, she proposed instead some sort of wilderness retreat for healing couples. I am not a big outdoors type (hate camping) but definitely willing to try it if she's bought into it which she seems very much. So we will try that at the end of this week.

Come on...

[This message edited by Freeme at 4:47 AM, August 21st (Monday)]

This poster could certainly be a troll OR could be naive beyond words, rug sweeping and in denial. I grew up in a time when fidelity was expected, and infidelity was not the norm.

If I shared what I "believed" from my WH for far too long well lets just say it is cringeworthy. Some people can be very convincing, and the more trusting individuals are easy marks. Then the excuses become more ludicrous It becomes all about protecting their image.

MT isn't the first to believe complete nonsense and be in denial nor will he be the last

Unfortunately, there are components to his story that have the potential to be dangerous to him.

I agree with gr8lady.its to soon to tell if he is troll or not. Till then we should be supportive in trying to get him to see the obvious. If he is a troll well it's open season and he did it to himself

If I shared what I "believed" from my WH for far too long well lets just say it is cringeworthy. Some people can be very convincing, and the more trusting individuals are easy marks. Then the excuses become more ludicrous It becomes all about protecting their image.

MT isn't the first to believe complete nonsense and be in denial nor will he be the last

I hope everyone will be polite enough to take a step back and be a little kinder to this poster, he isn't the first one to come on here fresh from finding out things about his WS, we have had BS's on here who have gotten MONTHS or YEARS worth of help, he just came on and posted a story, be it pretty sad, and he went from getting some help to being called a potential troll.

How about we help him. Talk him thru this. Many BS's cannot go from 0-100 in a split second, he has mentioned earlier in his thread that all the information everyone gave him about his WS was overwhelming. I am not saying that everyone is not right, it all smells pretty bad. But he needs some help right now, he is in denial, and he has a WS who throws out the love bombing when they know they have been caught....MANY a BS comes on here and gets so fooled by the love bombing after confrontation and goes back to a WS.

Many a battered woman will continue to think that they have to stay with their husband, even after he beats them, this is the same type of thing, this is emotional abuse but it is the same thing.

He needs some help, that is for sure. And everyone is giving him spot on advice, he may need to hear over and over before he understands.

So she cheats and now she is trying to dictate the terms of R??? LOL!!! I hope you're shutting that down. Cheaters would love for you to keep their dirty little secrets. If you do she'll probably cheat again. You really should inform the OBS. She deserves to know and your WW needs to have repercussions for her horrible behavior. She's an adult, she can bear it.

My advice is usually short and to the point. My only advice in this case is this: Grow a backbone.

And with that, I'm out.

Remember, Monotone, you've told your boss that you're taking half a day. Go see an attorney. Make sure you tell that attorney about the change in life insurance that you didn't authorize. Give the attorney the security guard's number.

And don't forget to call your life insurance company and follow up on yesterday.

It is really hard for me to belive there is a man like OP.

Come on dude you need to open your eyes.

Two words: shock and disbelief

Either you're writing a screenplay for an upcoming show, or you're so gullible and will not come back alive from your wilderness retreat.

Wake up and smell the coffee!!

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 1:43 PM, August 21st, 2017 (Monday)]

I am with Realitybites. Some of you need to step back and get off this thread if it is frustrating you to the point of being rude and mean to the BS.

Monotone needs time to absorb and process all of this. If there is something sinister going on, he also needs to listen to the helpful but strongly asserted advice.

I believed my WH when he said he was n/c and we were in False R. I had about a dozen d-days. I am a very strong individual, but sometimes it is very hard to comprehend that our spouses can be so cruel or behave in such a completely different way that is not in character at all to the person you have known and loved for years.

Monotone - please listen to the advice of the seasoned LEO and related individuals here. It can't hurt an already shitty situation. Don't listen to your wife. She is lying. she is not your friend or acting like your wife right now no matter how many tears or how good the sex was. It is all lies.

And whatever you do DO NOT GO ON THAT WILDERNESS TRIP. She and her lover are up to no good. Do not give them a chance to play out their plan.

Get VARS and plant them around the house and on yourself. See if you can sneak one in her car or purse. SHE IS LYING.

Monotone - what do you do for a living?

I ask because someone (I think Bigger) suggested that based on your lifestyle it couldn't be shifting boxes. However, any individual who can read your posts and not draw similar conclusions to the ones folks here have, or take any sort of action as a result of the advice already given, cannot realistically be in any kind of managerial, supervisory, or decision making role.

Go read your own posts. I'm not trying to belittle your situation or call you a troll (yet), but go read them. There are serious red flags that even Homer Simpson would catch.

Here's another question. What consequences has your wife faced as a result of her affair?

A wilderness retreat? Really? What for? You have no clue what you're even trying to heal from? Is she still I touch with OM? We know the answer is of course, but how would she show you she's not? Will she show you her phone? Ask her. Ask to see it right then - not later after she's had a chance to delete call history and text messages and pics, etc. See what she says.

Mono

I‘m going to give your story the benefit of the doubt simply because of the potential danger you are in. Spending 10 minutes hammering this suggestion is well worth the possible downside of having my leg pulled.

You state in your first post that she paid for OM to be on an Alaska cruise with you. Now suddenly, he’s married with kids. Where was his wife when he was on the cruise? How did he slip away from his family for several days?

By sheer coincidence he’s cruising around the area using a borrowed card… I guess he knows the cleaning-lady at the house down the road and she conveniently lends him her card (and risking her income) every now and then… Or maybe the woman he has been seeing regularly for sex in YOUR bed (guess that’s why the toys were stored so conveniently near the bed) got him an extra card?

He’s not cruising alone… He has a friend. Since when has the definition of a good time been cruising around in a gated area? Why the friend?

The life-insurance increased from one m to 6.5 m without your knowledge. Why? Be realistic regarding the amount. If you passed away tomorrow - even in the best of marriages – chances are your wife would remarry within 5 years. You have no moral obligations to provide her a source of income for the rest of her life. The original amount was sufficient to get you buried and allow her some adjustment time.

[However, 6+ mill divided by three (OM who will be the alibi for your wife while OM friend shoves you off a cliff) is a lot better than only getting a third of one million.]

Her disappearance… Mono… IF our conspiracy theories are correct then I’m guessing that the first couple of hours after she left last night went into discussing whether to speed things up, drop the idea or buy more time. Her interactions with you indicate you are possibly on borrowed time…

Her insistence on nobody knowing and the suggestion of a wilderness retreat. Wow… Like someone said: Hope it’s not near a cliff.

Mono – there is NO damaging reconciliation by doing the following:

Have all access cards issued to your house cancelled. Get two new ones.

Change the beneficiary of the insurance – at least temporarily. If you are still concerned about her financial well-being if you were to die of natural causes in the next year, then you can have conditional clauses: She gets 500k and the rest goes to your mom or dad or whatever.

Print out this thread in its entirety and place in a sealed envelope. Place that in another envelope and give it to someone you trust (for example the security guard). Tell that person that if there is ever any question about your whereabouts he should deliver the envelope to the police.

Once this is done then:

Tell your wife that (a) you have changed the beneficiary on the insurance. You will change it back to her if you think R is working.

Tell her that you left your story in a sealed envelope with a trusted person.

I am willing to place money on a couple of things:

This will change her mind about R.

She will try her hardest to get you to change things back and name the friend.

If neither works she will cancel the weekend escape.

Other than that... no reaction and no development towards reality Mono and I'm out...

Oops. Hit submit by accident.

She won't share her phone because that'll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's a liar.

Don't tell anyone about her affair? She won't give up OM's name? Those should be requirements. Bare minimums. Do you know why she said that? Because affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy and she wants it to continue. If you blow up his life and hers, she'll either have to give up OM (cause his wife might divorce him) or he'll dump her cause he has kids and doesn't want to lose them for a piece of side.

Want to know how to tell if your wife is truly into your marriage? Lay down specific demands. Her phone. Immediately. Name of OM. STD testing for her and no sex between the two of you until she shows you positive results.

If she wants your marriage. Truly. She'll jump at the chance to do those things. If not and she's still in the affair, she'll come up with 10 different reasons why she won't. And she'll get angry at you. Accuse you of invading her privacy. Or she'll try to smother you with affection and sex. But she won't do them.

Or...you could do nothing. Which is basically what you've been doing. Come here, share your story that reads like a bad crime drama, and continue to ignore the hundreds of posts urging you to take care of yourself and take some action. Hey, it's your life.

But I wonder, if you are ignoring everyone here, then what is it you're looking for? Sympathy? Commiseration? I got to tell ya, I felt that reading your story at the outset. Now? Now, I'm just scratching my head asking myself if this is a joke or just the saddest case of fear and loneliness I've ever seen on this site. I hope youre a troll. I do. Cause if you're for real, then my heart goes out to you. It's painful to know that there's someone out there who's being abused, has been given advice to stop the abuse, but won't take it.

I wish you the best.

Monotone , you're making a mistake and you are on the wrong track in handling this. Please listen to others and do not let her tests and her crying dictate how you will proceed . You're acting out of despair but I'm sorry to say that it never works that way and usually R following such times is not long-lasting.

I suppose his name doesn't matter. Your WW probably calls him Jose and you Hose B.

In all seriousness, please be on top of activities in your neighborhood. One or two burglaries could be a setup for a "burglary gone bad" at your house, where the real intent of all of the activity is your demise.

Also, FWIW, I'm on board with most of the people here that your WW is not R material.

Best of Luck.

While it dissappoints me to hear the route you are going I did the same thing. I'll just say it wasn't a good one for me. I caught on pretty quick that my wife was up to no good but never had the damning evidence you do. When I finally did I told one person. My BIL. We were close at the time and I knew he would tell the whole family and I could keep my hands clean of the wrath. I honestly believe this was the only thing that "saved" our marriage.

My wife did the same thing yours is doing. Wouldn't tell me who he was or why, just reassured me it was over. Of course it wasn't. When I finally found out his name I was told if I reached out to his spouse our marriage was over. By far my BIGGEST regret. You can't let her run the show. If she does it continues.

3 years after R I reached out to the now XW of the OM. Found out more in that hour conversation with a complete stranger than I would have ever found out. My wife would have gone to her grave with those secrets.

If I were you I'd be getting his license plate number and track a name down. Find out who he is and where he lives. If he really lives that far away how does he come to your house 3x a week between work and family? You can do these things without her ever knowing. Just know this is only the tip of the iceberg. There is ALOT you don't know about and probably never will. Can you honestly continue to love someone that is willing to keep those secrets from you? I still struggle with that question and I'm 4 years out from D-day.

[This message edited by JCW85 at 9:42 AM, August 21st (Monday)]

WTF man, she told you if you want R not to ask questions? So she is still calling the shots. SMH. When are you going to stick up for yourself. Why are you allowing her to set the rules. Get MAD!!! Tell her she needs to come clean answer all your questions unlock her phone or get the f out!! She is and always will be an unfaithful wife, kick her butt out or you love out. Please tell me you dont like being abused and you are longer going to be her victim!!! Get mad and take control of this crap today!! Tell her how its going to be.

i offered a pretty formulistic and low cost approach to try to remove you from a dangerous situation.

you ignored the advice and one upped your danger level with a wilderness camping trip. wouldnt be hard for om to sneak to your camp and slip a rattlesnake into your sleeping bag while out hiking or a quick push down that steep hill. a tragic accident compounded by the remote location and the cell phone having no charge.

you are always free to ignore advice. even mine.

id not let a client with a credible threat go camping with the 'suspect'. id advise against and quit if they disregarded the advice. so ill do the same here.

when i see some common sense maybe ill return to this thread.

Sigh.

Come on people... Stop being rude. This is not a playground. This is an infidelity board. A supportive place. Knock it off!

None of you have proof one way or the other if he is a troll. If you do pls share it then????

Monotone most of genuinely care and are trying to help. And yes figure out if your making this up.

I apologize for some on this thread - that's not cool and not what we're about here. Now if you are troll...

I really hope this is trolling and not real but let's assume it's real.

If ww bought ap a cruise ticket and you paid for it-should you not be able to track purchases that are double in your name? If your ww dies not work then she would never get a card in her own without you consigning. If you consigned then you have every right to investigate the purchase and who it is for.then you should have ap name

Your wife is lying through her teeth. She is full of shit.

There is no r with someone who is still lying. And not telling you his name is lying by omission.

There is also no way she doesn't have his contact info. You cannot book a cruise without contact info. Address identification and phone numbers. I've been on many cruises. They want a LOT of contact info. So I call bullshit on that.

There is every reason to believe that she disappeared to visit ap and during their visit, discussed how to get you away from home now since the gate person knows what's going on and he can't get in without him knowing and maybe telling you.

The signs are there and enough for you to need to show some caution. She has been cheating for at least a year, increased your life insurance, brought him on the cruise, is still in contact, wants to keep it all a secret and wants to go on a outdoors getaway with you. If you aren't suspicious if that, then you are either for sure a troll or you just don't care what happens to you.

A remorseful spouse is one that becomes very transparent and does what you need. You can't r with someone who isn't 100% transparent and remorseful. A remorseful spouse does not set the rules for r. You do. If you want to tell everyone you know, that's your right. She should be asking you what she can do to help you.

For safety reasons, you need to tell someone. Definitely hire a pi if you do t trust the police. Tell a sibling or good friend. Tell your parents even. Give them evidence. Write it all down somewhere that the authorities could find if something does happe.

I agree with the posters who said change the beneficiary of your life insurance to your parents or siblings. Give them something in writing asking them to decide if your wife is deserving of any money if something happens.

I also agree you need to carry a var. I would suggest putting one in her car. It's yours anyway right? You paid for it.

Put video equipment in your home to see if they continue meeting there

Ask the gate person to contact you if this guy shows up again. Every time. Slip him some cash to say thanks.

At the very least, even if she isn't trying to cause you physical harm, she is still causing you emotional harm. See that lawyer and get your options. Make sure to give the lawyer ALL the info you have. All of it. Don't hold anything back, even if it would cause you or your wife embarrassment.

Stay safe.