SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

GW, you've posted about 3 options but i must admit it baffles me that there is three when I can reasonably only see two(which really could be aurgued is only one).

I can't honestly see how you could be of a mind to "work on the marriage."

I'm not saying that in the future it can't become an option but right now I would equate your situation as being in the midst of a car crash. You can hit the brakes and skid into the wall in front of you, or you can swerve away from the wall and hit a different obstacle. There is no option right now to rebuild your car because frankly you don't know how much damage there is going to be and whether or not it will be repairable.

The first order of bussiness is to get yourself out of the car and out of infidelity. Have a look at the damage that has been done. Maybe after you have taken some time to absorb this you can decide if R is even something that interests you, it certainly doesn't sound like it is of any interest to her. To her you are mearly a means of support until her true love is willing to take her off your hands.

Sharkman is right about empowerment. FEAR is the biggest obstacle to overcome in JFO. Empowerment is like the walking cane that helps you off your knees then allows you to beat back that fear. That is why one of the first actions I often recommend to JFO members is go see an attorney ASAP, not to file for divorce but to empower themselves with knowledge about the process, rights as a spouse, realistic scenarios surrounding custody and asset division, but most of all a legal counsel on how to navigate and conduct the day to day safely with the unremorseful wayward while employing the 180 to detach yourself, and the children if there are any, from your spouse's/partner's infidelity. It is intimidating enough to meet a D attorney because that action alone is your first step to accepting the situation as it is, and nearly all of us are in denial at first that infidelity actually happened in our lives at all. But more often than not when we walk out of that attorney's office we feel the first shot of strength and courage, the taking back the steering wheel of our own lives, the feeling our compass needle has final stopped spinning and pointed in some general direction and it usually is the direction out of infidelity whether it be R or D. You know what else, Gw5263? A lot of waywards talk of D but never follow through with actions. Shit, they don't even go get that initial counsel with one because its too intimidating for them as well. It makes shit real for them also. So more often than not the BS who goes and seeks counsel is already a step ahead of their wayward. Just don't do like I did and tell your wayward you are going to see an attorney because THAT is when they will try and get a step ahead of you. Serve the D petition out of the blue. It has FAR more impact than just "talking" about it.

A great many of us also feared how our cheating spouses/partners would "react" to being called out for their cheating. We feel like we are trying to talk a suicide jumper off the ledge and if we say anything or make a wrong move our cheating spouse will jump off that ledge and we lose them forever. The reality is that a lot of waywards threaten to leave or D as leverage to get you to back off exposing their A. They think YOU value the M so much that you would do anything, including letting them fuck other people, to keep the M intact. When you place more value into yourself, show more respect for yourself, you remove all leverage the wayward has to control the situation. You call their bluff, tell them they can go to their AP and move in with them and almost every wayward balks at such a suggestion because in reality that isn't what they really want. Most of the time what they are aiming for is both their BS and their AP. Two worlds to live in and do as they please. They want their cake and to sit on the fence as long as possible to be able to jump back and forth when "life just sucks" with either the BS or the AP.

Also, your WW getting an apartment has nothing to do with her wanting D. It has EVERYTHING to do with having a separate "fuck pad", at the request of the OM, so they can do whatever they want to each other without your interference. Damn near every time we see a new JFO post that describes the wayward spouse wanting "time and/or space" through separation it was really all about setting up the "fuck pad" and nothing about "thinking things through". If your WW follows through on that 1100 a month apartment that she can't afford she is going to hit up the OM to pitch in. You know the OM is only in it for the sex, and as soon as that starts coming at a price most OM's bail on that pressure point alone. On top of that, his livelihood is about to blow up with your exposure so he'll need every dime he can get his hand on to make it to next month on his own.

No excuse, but she exhibits all the text book signs of a midlife crisis as described to me in IC and by our Doctor, who noticed changes in her.

This was the case in my situation as well. You probably also know that with MLC the general timeline for phasing out is 7 yrs. That's a hell of a long time. There's no "guiding" an MLC'er. They, like any wayward, have to make choices to come back to you. Go to any MLC support group and you will also read their members do not excuse MLC for infidelity as well. It is a poor coping mechanism, a symptom that something much deeper is going on with your WW. She is broken. In my XW's case it was CSA. But also know that everyone one of us at some point reach what they call a healthier version "midlife transition" that is more about re-prioritizing things in your life and nothing to do with being a destructive asshole to those that love you. Best advice from other MLC support groups and infidelity support groups is to detach and just go live your life the way you want. Let go of the outcome. Don't let their poor choices affect your life, your kid's lives. The quicker you detach the quicker you start your healing.

What's key is that she will have to fight for you and the marriage. What you have to determine is what is her motivation for doing so.

She cares about nothing but talking to him. It's all that matters. Her FaceTime went down Saturday and my daughter said she about lost it until she fixed it.

G, I know you get it about exposing.

This quote gives more motivation for the need to expose. No surprise, she's neglecting her family for the POS. Neglecting her kids, stealing their time to give to him.

Exposure will kill the A. And institute NC. Unless he defies the order of his superior officer. Her head will still be up her a$$. But it is a beginning where she may return to her family and give her time to the kids.

The thread's focus now is on exposing the POS because that effectively kills the A (unless he is drummed out and they run away to lala land....ummm, not).

I advocated before that you expose to her family and the Command. Exposing to her family (w/o her knowledge) may ultimately trigger Blood Is Thicker Than Water and they side with her. It can also result in them getting after her to get her head out of her a$$. Maybe that brings her back to the M. Maybe not. But R or D, those kids need her to be the best she can be. If you D, you need her to be the best co-parent she can be. Her family can help, if any of them have their act together at all. I imagine her Dad will be none to pleased to hear that she lied to him to about the "training" trip.

just tell your kids the truth thats she's cheating.

whats the worst that can happen with exposing? she has an affair? shes already doing that. so whats left? break the marriage? check. lie and have a biyfriend. check. be angry at you? check.

it helps when you realize shes already done her worst. she hit you with her best shot. you are still standing, even if you are stumbling. so whstever is left isnt as bad as what youve already faced.

expose. it ends the affair.

She really didn't get the apartment to have a sex pad. He lives in Georgia and then we see each other once every three months other than that it's FaceTime sex. She got the apartment because it one point we were starting to get closer and try to work on things and he found out about it and told her to give me out of the picture quickly so she did

Dude go expose. Come on, we are giving you the most clear succinct orderly advice you will literally get anywhere on this planet.

Pick up the phone

You can find age appropriate ways to let your children know what mom is doing is not right.

Don't remember their ages but examples are "moms and dads are not supposed to have other boyfriends and girlfriends that they are romantic with. Your mom seems to have a boyfriend that she's romantic with and that makes dad very sad".

Scale up or down for age.

Sharkman I'm on it. First thing tomorrow morning. Too late at night now. You guys are all right. Can't let hesitation stop me. I do have one question. I was going to move back to the house. I checked with the county atty and the sheriff and they said there is nothing she can do to stop me because my name is on the deed. If anything she'll leave. Should I expose before going back home or the day of?

I would reassert your rights in the home first. See if she leaves. Then once that drama is resolved take the next step.

And I would wear a GoPro 24/7. There have been several men here who lost everything due to false domestic violence charges. Plus false DV charges would cloud your allegations against her affair partner. Don't move home without a GoPro running. That $400 will save you tens of thousands.

I can't afford a go pro right now. The main reason I'm moving back in is because she hasn't paid the first bill and I've had to pay them so the kids don't do without. I haven't paid the bills for this apartment so I could pay the house bills. The apartment is in her name so she can deal with it. She continues to lie like hell about her money so she can lie from the apartment. I've got to save the house and take my life back. Wish I could attach some pics to show how much she's let it go since I left. I was shocked.

Move back then expose.

This way you can get her to leave with the threar of exposure.

Simply inform her that she needs to shut her pie hole and leave you peace or just leave in peace...but if she wants to cuase trouble you can make a phone call to OM command.

If she stays and plays nice the expose, if she doesn't play nice then expose.

My point is us the threat of exposure to get her out of your hair.

If there is one thing I have taken from all the excellent advice it is to Never let them know you are going to expose, gives them a chance to regroup and plan to make the exposure a moot point

The second major takeaway should be that you need to protect yourself against false DV charges. Seriously. Don't take this lightly. The folks here have seen these stories play out many many times. They can call the next likely play. Be very careful.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's great to see the "new you" emerging. Find your strength. Stay calm and execute the plan. Out her. Take back your life. You will feel great once you start asserting yourself.

It's amazing to me that this guy is a serial cheater, knowing how much he stands to lose. He really believes he's "above it all" and will never get busted. He deserves to have the consequences of all his choices finally bite him.

I wish you all the strength you need to take the necessary action. Go Nike and Just. Do. It.

GW.. if you can't afford a GoPro, buy a voice activated recorder instead. You can buy them at Walmart, Target or Best Buy. Put it in your pocket when moving back home.

GW your goal right is to expose. Whether you sleep next to her tomorrow night, move to Uganda or fly to Nepal overnight, become a Yogi and begin living in another plane of existence.

You need to expose tomorrow and you need to do it first thing.

We are being direct and blunt because we need to see you start taking positive action, and this is the first.

Boo boo she'll be mad at you. She's already fucking another guy right under your nose. I think you can handle some anger.

And yes the voice recorder on your phone should be fine super short term. VARs from Best Buy are only like 30, BUT EXPOSE FIRST.

No excuses tomorrow man. Get angry and just do it.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 9:18 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

Sharkman, you sir are a super motivator. Thank you and wveryone else for being here

Man, another betrayed spouse here- I didn't expose OM three years ago and I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT. Just frigging do it!!! Tomorrow!!! That SOB needs blown out of the water and your WS needs consequences. We got your back- get it done and things will turn around in a decidedly more positive direction for you.

GW, your situation is so tough but it will get better as you take positive action. A couple of things about the OM sprang to mind as I was reading this thread:

- I know very few people who genuinely have "top secret" clearance who tell girlfriends about it. It took years for me to work out just who some of my friends (from the US, Russia and UK) really worked for and 20 years after retirement for a couple to confirm it. I am sure posters like anoldlion will bear this out. Be prepared for the OM to be outed as a poseur when you expose him

- I suspect US law is the same as in my home country; as a law enforcement officer aren't you obliged to report breaches of national security. A guy running around like the OM is a breach as lots of others on here have said. If you've explained your circumstances to your boss, doesn't the onus fall on him too now? We have clear procedures here for reporting and I know the US does t0o. Can you not take this through official channels now? If he has that clearance it needs to be revoked or downgraded asap.

The advice you are getting on here is first class. I wish I had heard some of it 20 years ago when I really needed it. My very very best wishes for you and your children.

I know very few people who genuinely have "top secret" clearance who tell girlfriends about it

This sprang to my mind also.

Have you seen the movie "True Lies"?

How stupid person must be to point out his most vulnerable spot right away to the man who has strongest motivation to hit that spot hard?