SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, here we go. On June 22 I found out my wife was planning on moving out with the kids because she needed some space to think. She even told me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I felt like the bad guy because she said it was because lately I had ignored her emotionally to the point she just disconnected. She said she left signs, but I failed to see them. I bought this bs and felt like the bad guy for two days. I work 12 hour shift, so I have a lot of time off. She went so far as to aske me if I could help her dad watch the kids because work was sending her to training from July27 thru August3. Trying to do whatever I could to ease the situation and show her I cared, I agreed. During the interim, I made several major changes. I told her daily I loved her, kissed her check when she left for work( this was all she would allow) and out notes in her lunch daily, which to my surprise she kept. One night I was sitting up late alone and had the nagging feeling something else was going on. Being ignored for a couple of weeks didn't lead to this, I felt. Surely she would have told me there was a problem before it escalated to this stage.

Going against what I swore I wouldn't do, I got her phone and opened it up. No text history, no call history, nothing amiss in the photos on it. Until I went to her deleted photos. Bang! Pics of the OM blowing kisses and doing teenage selfies in the mirror. In her browser history, I found plane reservations, motel reservations, western union searches, and divorce packets the OM had sent her! When confronted, she admired that she was indeed going to see himJuly27 thru August 3 to make sure it was "real"

I tried everything, told her how much I loved her, what she meant to me, etc. the day she left, I got some software that allowed me to retrieve deleted texts from her phone. This had gone from friendly innocent how's the family to here's what I want to do to you in two weeks. There was also mention of a sexual meet up inApril as he passed thru town.

Upon her return we had a long talk about the future. I asked if she wanted to be with him, she said I think so. I asked if she was done with me, I think so. If she was moving to him, no he's not ready for that and it will be a long time before he is. I checked on him- he's been married four times and is a serial cheater. His last wife was half his age and he had four partners simultaneously while with her. I verified this with her. She also said he was controlling, and mentally abusive..since her return they now say I love you to each other daily. When asked, she says they had no sex during the trip due to female issues, which I don't buy. I need to end this mess and get my wife back before it's too late. The only real communication they have is text and face time, and have only seen each other twice since February. Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him. I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and she said no. She even said she doesn't know if this will work due to distance. She is afraid to tell our kids about it because I think she knows it won't last. Any ideas on how to proceed? I really love her, which might sound odd given all that's happened, but I can't shut it off. I know deep inside she still feels some love for me or we would not be talking at all and she would have jumped all over the divorce. I feel like I'm being kept on the side lines as a safety net. If this guy wasn't in the picture I know for sure we wouldn't be in the place we are now. Any ideas? BTW, I have a mountain of evidence, texts, photos, call logs etc

How to proceed?

Easy, get a lawyer and file D papers and have her served...then watch her shit herself.

She is playing you like a violin, and lying non-stop.

Don't believe a word she says, and certainly do NOT sleep with her...remove her from the marital bedroom immediately!

Get STD tested and insist she does the same.

Gather your evidence and put it in a safe place that she cannot get to.

She has abandoned the marriage, and invited another man into her instead of you...time to take a stand on this, now!

Also take some time to read in The Healing Library, upper left of the page in the yellow box.

Additionally read The Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum.

Its time to take control of your life back and get out of infidelity, with or without her.

Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him.

Maybe he shouldn't be messing with other men's wives then?

If she was moving to him, no he's not ready for that and it will be a long time before he is.

I'll bet. Because....

I checked on him- he's been married four times and is a serial cheater. His last wife was half his age and he had four partners simultaneously while with her.

Look, the guy's a player... past actions are the best predictor of future behavior. It's not a believable story that he's not had sex with your WW because... motive, means, and opportunity. Plus, he's a player. Do you honestly think he's shopping for an Inst-family? No, of course not. They're playing on your fears and insecurities. They're keeping the triangulation going, both their egos are being fed and the drama flows like wine.

I think OrdinaryDude is likely correct. Exposure and a tough stance might serve you better than being her buddy right now.

I am sorry for you and the pain you are going through. The OM is a pro at this and will victimize your W and family b/c he gets a charge from this.

Once your W is available she will end up the BS. Karma!!

You need to take control of the situation.

A strongly worded no contact from you to him. Outline you have evidence against him that will destroy his career. If he so much as sends any communication in any form you will take action against him and sue him for whatever the legal term is in your state for being a paramour to your W (alienation of affection etc).

Then tell your W if he contacts her or she contacts him the M is over and she is out of the house.

And that is the only way to get control of your life.

Do not play nice and kind and understanding. It will not work.

And if she tries to go running to him then you have a clear answer on her choice between the M or the A. Every time I told my H to go be with the OW he got scared and behaved for a few days during the A. I basically did it b/c I wanted him to know I wasn't stupid. I knew what was going on.

When I told my H I was dumping him the A stopped and we had immediate no contact etc.

But it took me playing hardball and he was facing strike 3. No kidding that A ended at the last possible second before I lawyered up. And he did not stand a chance.

I may look nice and kind but I worked for a D attorney for 6 years. I would be his worse nightmare. I had it in me to make sure his money went to me and kids to support us AND he had to move out AND he had no time for OW as his kids came first and she was not to be anywhere near them. She was not going to be the step mom under any circumstances.

Get your power back it is the ONLY way to come out ahead.

If you try to play nice like I did for 7 months you Will lose. It doesn't work.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:36 PM, August 13th (Sunday)]

G,

Oh, man. Sorry for that kick in the teeth she delivered.

Your ultimate goal has to be getting yourself out of infidelity. It may be with her. But it may without her.

I see you have kids. Fight for them. She has no legal right to separate them from you if you are their legal Dad. Right now you are the only sane parent they have.

You must realize that all of that "ignoring her emotionally" is her attempt to avoid being accountable by trying to shift the blame to you.

Four things for you right now.

1. take care of your personal well being and health; don't turn to the bottle.

2. confide in a trusted family member or friend. You need that IRL (in real life) support.

3. expose the A to the light of day. It is the quickest consequence you can deliver to her.

Expose to her family. It's true that blood is thicker than water and some may rally around her. But tell them. I don't think her Dad will any too pleased to find out she lied in order to have a fvckfest with the other dude.

Expose him to his military commander.

4. See a lawyer immediately to know your rights. Especially about the children. It is possible to file a court order to prevent her from taking the children from you. See what D would look like financially.

Watch out for a false domestic violence charge from her. That is how she could get the kids away from you. The other dude is advising her about this stuff. He's an abuser so he knows all the angles.

It would be best if you record all of your interactions with her. Get a voice activated recorder (VAR) or an app for you phone. Protect yourself so she can't take your kids away from you.

Yes, you are her Plan B while she tests drives life with this other dude.

Keep all of your evidence in a safe place. Preferably two places.

Exposure is your most powerful tool right now to wake her the hell up. Please know that just like she has lied to you, she will lie to family. So don't be shy about giving her dad all of the evidence about what his daughter has been up to.

The other Shock and Awe tactic is to ask her again if she wants a D. When she again says no, then tell her she has one hour to go No Contact with the OPOSOM and block him from all communication. The NC communication to him must be approved by you and her sending it must be verifiable by you. Tell her that you are unwilling to share her with another man. If she doesn't break contact then you will file for D because you will not be in a marriage wile she is in an active A. Think long about this tactic. Because if you use it and don't follow through you will lose mojo.

If exposure doesn't work then you may have to file and have her served w/D papers to wake her up. If she wakes up and shows remorse for what she has done to the family then you can put the D on hold.

Expose the A. Don't tell her your are doing it. Because she will warn everyone that you have gone crazy, that you are abusive, blah, blah, blah. crazy. She will warn the POSOM that you are going to his commander.

Others will be along with advice.

Stay strong. Keep posting.

Sorry I forgot to include that too...DEFINITELY expose him to his command, infidelity is actually illegal in the US military and it just might end his career.

Honey can you mind the kids while I go and have sex with other men

G,

It's simple to out him to his command. All you need is his branch of the military and his base. Find a number for the Judge Advocate General's office at that base. Tell them your W is committing adultery with a service member.

dont tell your wife. call his command and ask to speak to his commanding officer on a company or preferably a battalion level. tell them hes having an affair with your wife. call the judge advocate general on his base, they handle cases like this. the 2 calls will get shit rolling AND ensure its acted upon. ask to be updated.

get a voice activated recorder to protect against false domestic violence claims.

tell your wife you wont share her. you love her, would consider reconciling, but see no point as he not remorseful, is lying (she planned the trip, she knows when her period is and isnt) about her relationship with om, and is still in that relationship.

ask her to leave. offer to help her pack. tell her you dont want a divorce but will file for one.

watch the military ORDER him to go no contact with her - adultry is a crime under the ucmj. watch the shock and awe hit her. no om, no safe husband lapping her shit up - watch her crumble and that fantasy implode. bet she will beg to stay.

just decide beforehand if you really want her too.

Expose, expose, expose, expose, expose.

And for for D. You can always stop it.

These are the only things that waywards respond to.

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:54 PM, August 13th (Sunday)]

I forgot to add, one week I work five off two, the other week it's work two off five. When this first began she told me I could have. The kids on my days off. I agreed because I miss him so much. This week and I realize what she was doing, she was letting me have them so she would have five days free one week and two days for the next week to communicate with that ass in the open. I have since decided that I'm not going to get the kids next week and let her have seven days with them crawling all over her. Also, she went out and rented an apartment, that was way too small for her and two kids . At the time I didn't want to kids uprooted from their homework they were comfortable and familiar so I told her I would take the apartment and she could stay at the house with the kids. We have no legal separation in place just verbal. She can't afford the house payment or the apartment rent so I'm planning on moving back into the house whether she likes it or not. I have to save my home I have so much invested in it.

I had he even thought about contacting the OOM, and telling him he had 24 hours to drop her where I would report him. And tell him that if he told her I report him anyway.

I am so sorry you are here but it is a great place to vent and get help and advice. Do some reading in the Healing Library.

You really need to see an attorney ASAP. You need to protect you and your children. Get STD testing too.

She has told you that you are plan B. She wants you to foot the bill and watch the kids while she has sex with OM. You do need to "end this mess". It may or may not get your wife back but the first step is for you to get out of infidelity. She rented the apartment, she should be staying there not you. See the attorney and get papers drawn up and give them to her. She needs to see what is at stake.

No need for std testing- she cut me off in February I am ashamed to say. As soon as she started talking to h

You allowed POS WW to go on the sexcapde without a meek of a protest or warning of consequences ? Amazing. kind of a beta squared attitude. Please act alpha

[This message edited by goalong at 4:57 PM, August 13th (Sunday)]

Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him.

Boo hoo for him. Maybe he should keep his dick in his pants.

Yeah, expose him to his CO. I exposed my fiance's AP to his CO and he got a dishonorable discharge and loss of benefits. Do this! He is a serial cheater and will continue. He wears a uniform of honor but he dishonors it. Expose him!!

Call the Co, bring in all your evidence, answer questions and make him take account for his actions. Please be the one to put a stop to them massive harm he has done to so many other marriages.....

And when you expose him, do not tell your ww you are doing so,