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Sharkman-

I didn't find the comment condescending at all, but rather very accurate. I agree that his reality is his truth. I've said those words to my WH also. But I am nearly 2 years out and still torn by the competing voices in my head. Some days I feel stupid for staying, other days I am hopeful to restore my M and family (my kids especially don't deserve any of this). I have chosen a path, the one that I felt was best, but I still have mixed feelings about it and I can't say either choice wouldn't be emotionally based. I just think we're all different in the way we think, feel, process, heal,...and the comment wasn't meant to be condescending but rather a glimpse into his thought and decision making process.

[This message edited by Joypursuit at 4:25 PM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

With all due respect, this is very condescending.

His reality is his truth. 24 hours out? Sure. A month or two? He's a big boy and is theoretically capable of making unemotional decisions at this point.

Sharkman, I respect your opinion, but I was addressing CSCE's question about why her BH was exhibiting behavior that didn't match his words. He was saying he was "done" while at the same time trying to gain some transparency over CSCE's whereabouts. If what she says is accurate (for the purposes of this forum, I am assuming it is) does that sound like he's making unemotional decisions?

His reality is certainly his truth, and I am not going to be one to take it from him. This message was intended to help a WW understand where behavior might be coming from. My main goal throughout trying to help is simply to explain that irrational behavior on his part is most likely actually a rational response to being treated irrationally.

REGARDLESS of where this behavior is coming from, she needs to learn to ride the roller-coaster. REGARDLESS of what she thinks his motivations might be, she needs to focus on herself. She's come here with the stated intention of fighting for her marriage, showing me that at least she's put about one-hundred times the work my STBXWW did.

As a BH, I am going to do everything I can to help her in her process from my own unique perspective.

I hear you, and my intention wasn't to throw dirt on you. But there is not any benefit to reading into his words.

She unilaterally ended their marriage when she decided to take on a full-tile lover. As a consequence of that it's entirely his decision if he would like to try a NEW relationship with this same person who betrayed him.

After all he has been through all we can do is take what he says at face value. It's a sign of respect. If she respects him at all she'll respect precisely what he says. This poor dude literally has been through hell, who are we to say otherwise if we feel that his escape is premature?

And getting back to the advice to the wayward OP - if he says you're done, you're done. Holding on to something else is going to lead to manipulation. I don't care if I get banned from

This forum but it needs to be said - leave this guy alone if that is what he is asking for.

Firstly, thank you everyone for your comments and responses. I value them all. BH also told me he posted an update to his JFO thread recently, and that it caused some disagreement over there. He mentioned feeling like people were trying to influence him ("trying to sell me something" were his exact words). For anyone who is posting over there as well, please note that he's very sensitive to that.

Joypursuit - I so appreciate your comments and your encouragement - Thank you so much for taking the time to leave them. Based on what I've heard BH say, I suspect that he feels the same way you do.

He says a lot of things that are similar to the things you mentioned. Things about "of course not" and about how he's not telling people because if he did decide to stay they would judge him (his IC asked him why he felt that way, and his response was "because I would judge me for staying"). He's also mentioned not being able to take it if I strayed again. Between the disdain he has for "allowing" infidelity, the fear he has of if I do it again, and the insecurity he's feeling - all while at the same time caring about me in some capacity - I'm certain that his internal conflict is off the charts. The mood swings aren't dramatic, but they are there. I don't blame him for keeping me at a safe distance.

Regarding normal - I think I put it in one of my posts, but he actually told me once that falling into how we used to be would mean I would be how I used to be, too (which obviously neither of us want). So a large part of it is definitely an aversion to the setup that resulted in so much pain for him. It's completely rational, entirely understandable, and a really important reminder for me. Old "normal" isn't good enough. It never was, honestly, because it included all of the behaviors that led me to betray him. New "normal" has to be better. More considerate. More kind. I'm not sure if his feelings about a "new normal" starting from friendship are as defined as yours are, but if they are it would fit with his boycott on all types of physical contact. It's a bit difficult right now because in addition to that, he doesn't want to do any activities with me...but I can still be here when he wants me to be, and I can listen when he wants to talk.

sensibletinch - Thank you. It's a really interesting feeling to realize that I am in the process of knowing myself in a way and at a level that I've never even approached, before. The depth of my understanding of who I am and what I struggle with is so much richer, already. My IC asked me yesterday what I thought it would be like to live without my self-limiting coping mechanisms, and the unrelenting self-criticism. Those things are so integral to how I conduct myself, I couldn't even answer her. The idea of being without them doesn't even make sense. But even recognizing when they are there makes me feel healthier, more in touch with myself, and more grounded. I have a fledgling comfort with experiencing my feelings that is brand new to me. I have an interest in them, now, when I used to shove them into the darkest corner of my mind and reject them. Even if I'm not sure what I'm going to do about them, the awareness that they are there feels really important. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me, because I'm certain it will be better than where I came from.

ohforanewme - I appreciate your insight more than I can say - it clarifies what he said in a way I had trouble seeing. If I cheat again, then he can absolve himself of any sense of the failure of the M being "on him". Right now, faced with my attempts to "make it right" (or as "right" as is possible under the circumstances), that could make him feel guilty for wanting/needing to end it anyway. Going along that same train of thought, and thinking about what 1985 and Joypursuit said, the internal conflict he's going through is certainly agonizing, to the point where he likely would choose any definitive answer over the battle raging inside him right now. While a relapse would hurt him further, it would bring an end to the back-and-forth he is dealing with, and in some ways maybe that's preferable to him.

I am resolved to not make BH feel as though ending the M is anything other than his right. I'll admit that I have not always been the best at that, in the past -- it's always been my intention, but in practice I've failed, sometimes. It would sadden me, for reasons I've mentioned, but he should get the chance to be happy. I had my chance to be the person he was happy with, and I destroyed it. Being given another one would be a gift, but I'm not entitled to it. No WS's are.

All of that is to say: While he might be the one to pronounce the death of our M, I'm still the murderer.

Also: I have started to read in D/S as of a week ago or so, but just a little. I haven't found it to be as helpful as here, but I might not have chosen the right threads. It's on my reading list in an attempt to prepare myself for when/if the day comes.

xhz700 - I really appreciate your analogies. They illustrate so well. I'm trying to "ride the wave" as you say - I stay and listen, but I often don't know what to say. It's frustrating for me, because I want him to know that I'm engaged and what he is saying is resonating...it just takes some time for me to process. But I'm trying. He's recognized some of the efforts, so at least there's that.

You're absolutely right about it being a marathon, and I'm sure it will be more work than I can even imagine right now. It's already so much, and I know I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg. And I am aware (now) that I need to be careful about expecting/wanting too much progress, too fast. It's a sign of old defense mechanisms creeping in, and those are what opened the door to the A in the first place. It's likely also a sign of rug sweeping. So, I'm trying to be patient. I'm reminding myself to "live the questions". I'm making an effort to let go of the destination, and focus only on the journey. It's hard for me - I still have a long way to go. But I'm trying in earnest.

M1965 - This is a valid point. I've thought a lot about it. My parents have brought it up, as has my IC.

Yes, I took BH for granted for years, and repaid his loyalty and commitment with betrayal. Yes, I invested time and effort into the affair - time I could have (should have) been with BH and effort that our M deserved. I was not out "chasing" men, however. That doesn't make what I did any better - it honestly might make it worse. At least if I were pursuing something I would have had some sense of self. Instead, I was so out of touch with myself that I wouldn't have even known what I wanted enough to pursue it. I was adrift, desperate for someone to fill the hole I'd created within myself and unable to even recognize that it was there. It's terrifying to realize how shut off I was.

To answer your question directly: My A had nothing to do with BH, and everything to do with me. It had nothing to do with our M, except that the same destructive behaviors that led to the A were a huge detriment to the M as well...which then contributed to the feelings that made me even more vulnerable to the A. I could have the best M in the world, but that wouldn't fix the broken pieces inside of me. As for why I sacrificed my integrity: I have a litany of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and the thing about them is that they aren't enough. The greater the stress, the more I pile them on, and the more disconnected from myself I become. When I become disconnected from myself I become disconnected from my values, and convictions. I lose touch with the things that I pride myself on - the things that insulate me from making terrible choices. And in that situation, it doesn't matter what my M is like, because I'm not feeling it. I'm preventing myself from feeling anything. No one can expect something outside of themselves to fix their insides, nor should they. That work can only be done internally.

I hope I haven't given the impression that I am in any way confused by why BH is struggling with if he should take me back. I'm not. If anything, I'm surprised that he didn't kick me to the curb the moment we got back to the US after DDay. The only reason he should take me back is because he decides that he wants to, for whatever reason. I suspect that any reason he would have would not be rational, or logical, because rationality and logic would say "there are 7 billion people in the world. Surely you can find one that is better than this cheater." That is true of every WS here, and yet...BS's sometimes stay. I don't know that mine will be one of them. I honestly expect that he won't.

Michigan - This has crossed my mind, but since M wasn't terribly important to BH from the beginning, I don't know that the change in title will mean much to him. There is a possibility of that arrangement being our reality for at least some time, due to logistics, but I don't think there would be any coming back from it and I can't see BH wanting to "drag out" any kind of relationship with me, once he's decided to file. But who knows? I'll have a better idea if/when presented with it.

xhz700 - I am glad you mentioned this, because I have thought a lot about it. I don't feel hopeless, or shamed by it. I acknowledge that there is no way for BH and I to reclaim the relationship we had, because simply put we are different people now. People that are more jaded, and scarred. We will both take this experience with us to our graves. It has left its mark on us, and how we see the world. He will never trust anyone like he trusted me. And, honestly, even if he could, he shouldn't. I will never trust anyone (including myself) the way we both trusted me, either.

1985 - I have no expectation of returning to "pre-A", and knowing what I know about myself, a part of me doesn't want to. It is hard to really want to go back to a time when all of that was still festering within me like a timebomb. That's not to say that I don't wish I could have spared BH all of this hurt, or that I don't wish I had made a different decision for each and every thing that led to the A. I've made enough of those wishes for every star in the sky. But looking back, I can recognize in myself a very damaged, profoundly unhealthy person. A person who did not have the skills to cope with the challenges of adult life. I could not function like that forever - something had to give. Maybe it would have been a reemergence in earnest of my self-harm behaviors, or even worse, an attempt to end my life. Maybe it would have been some kind of chemical dependency or some other method of sabotage I haven't even figured out. They all would have had tragic effects on BH. They all would have ruined my life, and maybe his if left unchecked. The fact is that I was not equipped for dealing with the world I was living in. Now, at least I'm aware of that and working to fix it.

As I've said before, I am determined to be a better person coming out of this than I was going in, which I realize is not a very high bar. It is my hope that BH will recognize the effort and the progress enough to want to try to build something new with me (which I believe would be worth the effort), but that is not the reason why I'm doing it. The reason is far more selfish, and it's this: I can't stand to be this person, anymore.

Sharkman

(and Joypursuit/xhz700)- I'm combining this response since I think it addresses all of your comments. BH told me on Friday when his IC asked him what he wanted, he said "I don't know." I believe that to be true, in the way that Joypursuit and xhz700 suggest.

The last couple of days, he's seemed to be leaning hard toward calling it quits. I don't know if that will change or not. I can't know the rollercoaster he's on, and so I am doing my best based on the information I have. Yes, it's imperfect and incomplete, and yes it's absolutely susceptible to being colored by my own wants, but it's the best I can do. I've told him already that I will sign the papers if he wants to file them. He hasn't. I leave him alone to the extent that I can while still occupying the same house. I am committed to not pushing him in any direction, and I take pains to ensure that he has to interact with me no more than he wants to on any given day. I know that he is concerned about me getting the wrong idea - it's been discussed at length already in this thread, and between the two of us.

I can only interpret his lack of filing as indecision, and I can only interpret his statement to his IC as confirmation of the same.

So, to recap:

If he wants to file, I'll sign.

If he wants time to make a decision, I'll give him time.

If he wants to try and build a new life with me to replace the one I burned to the ground, I'll throw everything I have into it.

He knows all of the above. What he does with that information is up to him. In the meantime, I will be here until the day he tells me to pack my stuff and get out.

[This message edited by CantSleepCantEat at 9:12 AM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

So, to recap:

If he wants to file, I'll sign.

If he wants time to make a decision, I'll give him time.

If he wants to try and build a new life with me to replace the one I burned to the ground, I'll throw everything I have into it.

He knows all of the above. What he does with that information is up to him. In the meantime, I will be here until the day he tells me to pack my stuff and get out.

If that's the case, you're doing everything that you can do right now.

At some point your BH will have to make a decision on how to move forward. Do everything that you can to prepare yourself for that eventuality.

I don't have a problem with your through process, I agree that it is sound. What I did disagree with was the assertion that his words carried with them anything but the meaning behind them (which you did not make)

Having been here a while, I would say three things:

1. A part of him does want to catch you, because it means he doesn't have to make a decision.

2. Interpret most negative statements regarding your future as an invitation to tell him how things can better until told otherwise.

3. By far the best indicator of his true state of mind is your physical presence in the house.

He is going to get very angry as he recovers his self-esteem. In some ways this is mostly a positive thing for him.

Xhz700 - This is what I keep telling myself. I can only do as much as I can do, but I know the work will be well worth it either way. Some days I struggle, but I try to keep that thought in mind.

Sharkman - I misinterpreted your prior message, and I'm sorry for reacting how I did. I'd also like to apologize for not saying so, sooner. For what it's worth, I agree with you that BH's words and wishes need to be respected. To discredit them does him a disservice, and so I assure you I'm taking what he says at face value. However, there are inconsistencies that I'm trying to understand so I can be as supportive as possible of what he's going through (and in the most helpful way). To that end, I very much appreciate the input from other BS's about what might be going on in his head and heart, especially to the extent that they personally relate to what I describe.

Redsox13 - Thank you for your input. I agree. His IC is actually trying to get him to the "anger" stage. While I'm sure it will be incredibly unpleasant, I am looking forward to it, in a way. Until he gets there, a part of him is comparing himself to AP and assuming he (BH) is lacking, which kills me. I'm the one who was lacking, but the things that made me succeptible to the A are things BH doesn't even remotely struggle with, so he doesn't understand. Because he doesn't understand, he assumes it had to be something to do with him, and something to do with AP specifically. Nothing I've said so far has been able to dislodge that thought.

At least if he's angry, he's regaining his sense of self worth - he's always been a very secure person, and I hate that I've taken that from him in any way (even temporarily).

BH and I never really argued, which I now realize was because for most potential disagreements, either I was stuffing my feelings or he was bending over backwards to accommodate me. It's sad, really - if we were ok with a little bit of conflict, our relationship would have been so much more open and honest. I'm certain we could have actually resolved many of the items while being authentic to ourselves, instead of habitually avoiding them. All of that is to say, I haven't had to experience BH being openly angry at me very often. Irritated, yes. Frustrated, yes. But true anger has been rare. I don't really know what I'm in for, but if it will be a better place for him (which I believe it will), then I'll gladly weather the storm.

-----------------

Update-

BH's IC started EMDR last session, which he reported made him feel silly but did move him from an insecure to an angry state of mind, at least at the time. Unfortunately, she is going to be unavailable this coming week, and out of the office the week following. She has offered to do the session 2 weeks from now remotely, but BH doesn't seem interested. I don't really like the idea of him going 3 weeks without IC, but I recognize it's up to him.

I'm having some mental struggles when it comes to work. I want to leave because I haven't been happy in my role for a long time and it's been wearing on me, but I feel a loyalty to the company and consequently feel terribly guilty for even thinking of leaving. On top of that - AP knows where I work, and I still get nervous every time I leave in the afternoon that I'm going to see him hanging around. It's highly unlikely he'd do so, since I sent a text to him threatening a restraining order if he continued trying to contact me. It was sent before I changed my phone number (BH helped draft it). But the anxiety is still there, when I leave. Changing my job would cut off the possibility of him contacting me by showing up, however unlikely. But I don't know what my future looks like, and that makes evaluating potential opportunities very difficult.

One other thing - there's a girl/woman who has been really eager to spend time with BH over the last few months. I should preface this whole story with a disclaimer that I realize how ridiculous it is that I'm uncomfortable, considering that what I did was about 5000x worse and that there is no way BH would actually do anything with her, even if that's what she was after.

Ok, so - she is trying to break into BH's industry. They met at a mixer maybe 4 or 5 months ago. I've never met her, so everything I know has been from what BH tells me.

BH has met her for lunch/coffee once or twice, and at industry events a few times.

At one mixer, she mentioned to him how people think she sleeps around to get her foot in the door, and said to him "maybe I should".

At another one, she mentioned to him that she's been to German sex clubs, and how much more open they are with their sexuality out there.

She brings me up frequently, even though we've never met.

She always talks about how BH is brilliant and incredibly talented, and how she's "all in" on him.

She sent him a photo of her in cosplay.

She keeps trying to collaborate with BH on projects - the most recent being a podcast that they taped on Friday.

During that podcast taping, she wasn't wearing a bra and BH said she kept touching his shoulder. (To be fair, it was a million degrees in SoCal on Friday, and they were not alone at the taping.)

Now, BH has told me about all of this, as it has happened. He has not encouraged her in any way, other than continuing to interact with her. Nothing she's done has been explicitly inappropriate, but just about every interaction has included something with a weird vibe to it. Either too enthusiastic, too much information, or too personal. It might be that she just has terrible social skills and is a habitual over-sharer. Up until Friday, it didn't make me uncomfortable - just wary. In fact, it was a little bit of a game between BH and myself to figure out exactly what about each interaction was weird, and a joke that she was desperately pining over him.

But when I found out yesterday that she was touching him, my stomach turned into a nearly unbearable knot that didn't go away all night. (Again, I realize this is insane.)

I spent all night trying to figure out why, and eventually I realized this: BH has made it clear he doesn't want me touching him, and so we have essentially not touched at all since DDay. I ache for any contact from him whatsoever, but I maintain my distance. And so to hear that she was doing it so casually, without any thought...it was like the air had been sucked out of me. In those moments, she was more intimate with him than I had been in months.

I feel stupid and guilty for being upset. Like, who the hell do I think I am? I put myself in this situation - I don't get to feel sorry for myself. And yet, the feeling is still there. I guess one silver lining is that I recognize the interaction as potentially inappropriate (indicating an awareness of boundaries). I am also acknowledging that it made me upset, even though I am still criticizing myself for feeling that way. Oh, and I mentioned it to BH, even though I was worried it would cause conflict. I suppose those are signs of some personal growth.

I still feel really stupid for being uncomfortable, though. Pretty sure I gave up that right when I crossed all those boundaries myself, as well as countless others. Ugh.

CECS:

Don't be hard on yourself for this. Feelings are feelings. Can't control how you feel.

Nothing really to update, other than that I'm feeling so incredibly sad these days. On top of all the things I took from BH, there are so many things I took from us. Things that meant something to us, that I've tarnished forever.

The other night, BH said "it may not have been perfect, but it was ours" (in regards to our life together) and I thought my heart was going to break in half at the words. Looking into his eyes as he said it, and seeing the depth of his pain...knowing I put it there...

I know "if only"s are a waste of time, but I have to admit that some days, the only thought in my head is "god, what have I done?!" over and over...

I feel like I've stalled in my work on myself, too, despite trying - I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and I'm terrified that lack of progress means complacency. I know I need to be careful about focusing only on progress at the expense of process, but the fear of stagnation can be paralyzing. I simply don't know what to do when I don't know what to do.

I finally got a copy of NOT "Just Friends", and I'm hoping that reading that will help shake me out of this stuck feeling.

I am leaving for the wedding trip tomorrow - if anyone reading this could spare a few moments to send supportive thoughts/prayers BH's way, I'd appreciate it.

I feel like I've stalled in my work on myself, too, despite trying - I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and I'm terrified that lack of progress means complacency

Decouple the amount of progress made from the amount of work you put in. It isn't linear. X work (input) does not equal Y output (progress).

I think you may benefit from journaling. A good tool to help you identify things you are "stuck" on. And identify issues where you sense progress.

In that way you are able to see more bite sized pieces. And the connections you make about those pieces.

TimelessLoss - You are absolutely right. That will likely be far from the last time someone will need to remind me, unfortunately. When effort does not equal results I feel like I'm spinning my wheels getting nowhere, and it makes me incredibly anxious. My whole life, I've gone to great lengths to avoid struggling. Trying and failing sends me into such a spiral that historically I'd rather give up outright than risk failure.

My IC warns me every session that the issues we are uncovering are going to take a lot of time to address, because I rely on them so heavily and have for so long.

All of the above makes this whole process incredibly valuable, but also supremely challenging for me. I appreciate everyone's patience so far.

I have been journaling, although not as much as I was during the first 4 weeks after DDay. Thank you for the suggestion - I think you're right that making that more of a priority again would probably help. I'll let you know how it goes.

I don't know if there is anything particularly inspirational that I can say. You spent a lot of time storing garbage somewhere inside of you, and it's going to take a longer time to remove it. This goes back a long way.

It is entirely possible that this is the catalyst that you needed to make this change in your life. You grew comfortable with who you were and what you were doing. The bad news is that this may have cost you a good man to discover this. DO NOT make the mistake of looking at this as a one-off mistake in a life filled with authenticity. This is your opportunity to REALLY get some work done on you.

People don't change until they have to. You are in the process of finding your bottom, and you have given up a lot of control about how this unfolds. You had an affair, and now your BH gets his turn to decide what that means for him. You need to learn to live without that control, and work on yourself despite the anxiety that it causes.

This also has to do with how you define progress, or "success". Not to suggest that you define it in a way that guarantees progress, IOWs setting the bar so low that you can declare victory.

Right now you can claim progress in that you are doing something you have never done before: you haven't quit now when you are currently struggling. That actually is a big deal.

Progress toward what CSCE? Is there a finish line? What if progress is simply you now being engaged in a life long examination of who you are, resulting in greater self awareness, and growth? The questions are rhetorical.

I expect you've been advised by folks here that you have to let go of any outcome with your H, your M. Are you thinking that your perceived lack of progress endangers your chance to restore your relationship? Rhetorical question.

What should your goal be if you accept the view that you cannot control the outcome w/your H? Right now there should be a variance between who you have been (as shown by your actions), what you have perceived yourself to be, and what you want to "be". You may want to consider that the life long goal should be that you reduce the delta between these three version of yourself. Aiming for the most authentic version of yourself.

CSCE -

I really hope that you've been sincere with us and you're not with your AP while you're out of town. If I was your H, regardless of if I was wanting to R or not, I'd be having the mother of all triggers while you were gone.

I wanted to respond to GoldenR as soon as I saw this - I am being sincere, though I appreciate the need for concern. I also appreciate the check-in.

BH hasn't mentioned triggering (yet), but we've been in pretty frequent contact, which I think helps him. I received some really difficult news about my father's health on Thursday as soon as I arrived, so BH and I spent much of the evening talking about that. Yesterday, I was running around all day (9-8), each time sending him updates of where I was going, as well as sending photos of who I was with. He said he checked my GPS timeline and seeing proactive communication and photos for each place I was all day was helpful for him.

I hope he communicates with me if he needs more of anything, or if he starts to trigger - I'm doing everything I can think of, but if there is more that he wants I would gladly add it to the list.

I'll post a more in-depth update soon. I've been reading here every day, but haven't had a chance to post.

Based on everything in your posts and his, he seems like the kind of guy that wouldn't want you to know he's triggering. I could be wrong....you obviously know him better than anyone.

CSCE - This is a real opportunity for you. Your actions will say a lot. It is what you do that will make a difference (his own healing notwithstanding). I thought for sure I'd leave Mr. ISurvived after what he did but now I can say something different. Why? Because he changed a lot. It was not his words - in fact I hated his words and told him they were meaningless to me. I meant that. He dug in and did the work and started to change, to admit who he is, and to begin to sacrifice for us. That told me a lot. It was something I had not seen before.

I don't believe BS's want to turn away but the pain and the horror of the trauma is just so unbelievable. Reading helped a lot so keep doing it. I know for me the books I read and we read together really uncovered so much and opened the door to communication even in the depths of despair.

I said something similar to my WS as yours did

The other night, BH said "it may not have been perfect, but it was ours"

I told him what we had was not perfect but it was beautiful. In one stupid fit of poor judgement, he wiped it all away and turned the beauty into horror.

It will take some time for both of you to figure out your new normal which may mean a split for some time until both of you can get your emotions in check. You don't know. But if you can see that he needs real change, to see that you will sacrifice AND accept consequences, it might go a long way.

Keep up the work to CECS, it is essential you do not take your BH for granted and assume he is ok with this trip, even though he is telling you he is.

I agree with GoldenR on both counts:

1. I truly hope you are sincere in all this. It is not unknown for WWs to join a forum when still in infidelity. For what its worth I believe you are not, and

2. I would be very, very surprised if he was not triggering. I know you are trying to find yourself but I just think it so sad that you were able to do this to your husband with the flimsiest of justifications. Please never forget that.

Fingers crossed and good luck with your father. I would be very disappointed if your husband does not support you through this, very.....

I would be very disappointed if your husband does not support you through this, very.....

Actually....I think it's a catch 22. If he's all supportive and there for her, it seems mixed signals. If he doesn't bc of not wanting to send mixed signals, he's uncaring. Idk what I'd do.