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xhz700 -

DO NOT make the mistake of looking at this as a one-off mistake in a life filled with authenticity.

If anything, I think my issues are of the opposite variety - I'm still trying to figure out where any authenticity is, in me. It's hard because I feel detached from myself, a lot of the time. I think it's probably another defense mechanism, to separate myself from having to "own" undesirable traits. Unfortunately, it separates me from my strengths as well, and leaves me feeling very disconnected. I suspect the news about my dad is contributing, since I still feel very numb about that, too.

TimelessLoss - This is great perspective, and you are right about the discrepancies. I need to pin down the specifics of those three versions of myself, so I can work to align them more closely. Thank you for the thought-provoking response.

GoldenR - You may be right about him not letting me know he's triggering. I don't think he would lie to me about it, but I don't think he would bring it up without being asked. I messed up today, in that I wasn't as communicative as I should have been (I'll go into more detail on this, below), but he said it "just" made him feel dismissive - like I wasn't trying, so he wasn't going to care.

ISurvivedSoFar - Thank you. I am trying to look at this as an opportunity, though admittedly I often find that hard to do when I am alone with my thoughts. I really am trying to change my actions, but I take the setbacks really hard. I need to keep reminding myself that the purpose of the change is not for BH to see it. Instead, the hope is that the behavior contributes to the re-programming of my brain so that it then functions in a healthy, well-adjusted way. I still hate when BH doesn't see it, though. That has proven to be difficult to change.

I hate the idea that there is still wayward thinking in my head, and I know there is. I'm sure I don't even recognize it, much of the time. I want so badly to get/be better, but I sometimes feel like "wanting" and even "trying" aren't necessarily enough. I am terrified that I might just be like this, forever, no matter how hard I try or how much I want otherwise.

I suspect BH is probably concerned with the same thoughts...

SorrowfulMoon - You're absolutely right. I let my guard down today (even after responding to GoldenR this morning!), and it's disappointed BH greatly. He's upset with me, and as a result has distanced himself, which is always difficult to come back from. I'm really irritated with myself for being so careless. I knew better.

1) I am sincere. I have no interest in AP, or anything A-related. I'm so horrified that I am having a hard time reconciling that I ever did those things, let alone so recently. I wish I could reject them as reality entirely, and have absolutely no interest in sinking back to that level.

2) It is incredibly sad what I did to him - it saddens me every day. We had so much, and it's all evaporated because of me and my baggage. I hate it. But I am coming to realize that the reasons were real. They were not even close to justifications, but there were very real issues that would have shown themselves one way or another, eventually. I was missing some key elements to being a successful well-adjusted adult, and unfortunately would not have discovered those pieces were missing until I was pushed to a breaking point. How I would have chosen to deal with the internal crisis may have been different, but I have no doubt that they all end in a destruction of the life I had, the life BH had, and the one we had together. The sad fact is that I was a timebomb.

In regards to my father - BH is being as supportive as he can be, I suppose. He feels awkward when he is supposed to express emotions verbally or physically, so I wouldn't have expected a ton from him, even in the best of days. When things like this have come up in the past, he'd ask a lot of questions, and hold me when I cried. Now, he's just asking the questions, and asking me to pass on well wishes. It's compassionate, but there's a distance to it.

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Update: First, my dad. He has a heart condition (a pretty serious case of mitral valve regurgitation), which is going to require open heart surgery. He isn't in the best of health, so surgery of this magnitude has real risks. In addition, he's concerned about the impact if something were to happen to him, so he is preemptively trying to sell the business he owns before he goes under the knife. He is too young to retire (both age-wise as well as finance-wise), but he is 60 years old and has been self-employed for over 20 years - finding other employment will be challenging. He also lives for his work, so I'm really concerned that he could fall into depression if he can't find anything to do. On the other hand, I could see him putting off the surgery if he can't find a buyer, and that would be putting his life at risk. It's all really scary. He told my siblings back in July, but had not told me because he didn't want to "burden me". Talk about guilt...

Now, me. I was so good the last two days, and most of today. But once again I was stupidly thoughtless and once again I'm kicking myself. Last night, when I talked to BH, I told him what the plan was for today - I was going to a 2nd birthday party for a friend's child, and then I was going to help her prepare for a baby shower that she is throwing for another friend tomorrow. After that, I was going to go shopping with my mom for a baby shower gift. I went to the party, but then plans changed and instead of going back to my friend's place to prep decorations, she was going to come over to my parents' place later. Ok, no problem - I let BH know about the change, and I went home. When my mom and I went shopping, I let BH know where we were going, even the couple of last-minute stops we made for gas and the like. But...I forgot to tell him when we left the last one to go home. We only stayed in the last store for maybe 10 minutes, and I told him when we went in so you'd think I'd remember to tell him when we left, but no.

But it gets worse. So, we go home and I'm getting some things ready for the party tomorrow. My friend shows up with her daughter, a few hours later. 2.5 hours after I got home and about 15 minutes after my friend arrived, BH texts me saying "must be some trip to the store". I don't hear my phone, so I don't respond until 90 minutes later, when I finally check it and see that he messaged me.

BH and I talked about it, tonight, and he said not hearing back from me it wasn't that his stomach was in knots or anything. He saw the GPS on my phone, and knew that I was home. But what it did do was tell him I wasn't invested. That I didn't really care. I'm supposed to tell him when I'm going (and leaving) anywhere, and I'm supposed to have my phone within my line of sight at all times. I didn't do either of those things (I had my phone in the other room, charging). I feel awful. I was specifically worrying about this very thing earlier this morning, and even that didn't make a difference.

I'd love to be able to blame it on being preoccupied about my dad, or absent-minded because sleep and jet lag issues, but the truth of the matter is that I was simply thoughtless and careless. Again.

CSCE -

I look at your "setback" today entirely different than you do. If your H is wanting you to let him know where you are, and is upset when you didn't, even though he had looked and could see where you are, to me, that's a man that's not thinking a whole bunch about leaving you.

I've read his posts and even communicated a little with him, and while I won't go into specifics bc it's not healthy for either of you to have ppl doing that, I'll say that his reaction to your not communicating your location to him go very much against how the both of you described his feelings/actions in the early parts of yall's threads. I don't think he'd have cared about this several weeks ago.

So I think it's, to a degree, a positive thing. He wanted you communicating with him. You forgot for a couple of hours on just one day of your trip, and he missed it.

That's how I see it anyway.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:29 AM, September 10th (Sunday)]

GoldenR - I appreciate the silver lining, but I'm still really upset with myself. Even if it's an indication that he still cares, I hate disappointing him, and I feel like I consistently let him down. He should be able to count on his wife, and I hate that I'm showing him repeatedly all the ways he can't.

I'm sure it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be in my head, I'm sure it will blow over relatively soon, and I'm sure there will be other times where I will "screw up" at this level...but that knowledge isn't helping much. It's discouraging, but I'm trying not to blow it out of proportion.

CECS, your posts reek of attachment to outcome. It is something that will continually ooze in when you are not consciously thinking about it.

Focus on you. Not for any desired action on BH's part, but on being a better You. All this focus on BH is almost a distraction.

You find yourself dissociating from your actions and behavior of a few weeks ago. This is not good. Continue to dig deep into what inside yourself motivated/condoned/rationalized this behavior. You are making wonderful progress btw.

I have been following your thread. I am rooting for you guys. In my opinion, this is a big deal. We all are humans and make mistakes but this is a critical period. I agree with his sentiments. This was a good opportunity for your actions to do your talking. Nevertheless, I hope he does not read too much into it.

Thanks for detailed response CSCE.

Notwithstanding your father's health, your reflections are correct. Your husband should be in the forefront of your thoughts at all times if you are to stand any chance of reconciling or keeping him once reconciled.

You know that; so his disappointment is justified I'm afraid. Can you set up some sort of alarm on your phone to go off at regular intervals to both assist you in remembering and to stop you worrying that you will forget. We all have memory lapses and get distracted, me more than most

Mid trip report. "Could do better".

Now the good news. I agree with GoldenR again.

My take is that it is as simple, and telling, as what he told you:

But what it did do was tell him I wasn't invested. That I didn't really care.

You said you would do anything to save the marriage . This "scheduled" transparency was part of that commitment. Your H was watching your actions and they didn't match your words.

A couple of suggestions for you. Posters that want to minimize this incident or explain it as something other than what your H said are doing a disservice to you. You'll be best served by accountability partners.

And look at this "scheduled transparency" in a different way. To be sure it is a method to reassure him, avoid triggers, and most would say it makes you accountable to him for your whereabouts. All of that. And those are important. Consider though that it is a method to make you accountable to yourself.

Once a person becomes strong enough, tough enough, and resilient enough to hold themselves accountable for all that they do in every aspect of their life, the quality of their decision making improves. It improves because personal accountability provides the greatest internal feedback loop.

Become accountable. Don't beat yourself up because that actually is an easier way out.

CSCE, this:

I hate the idea that there is still wayward thinking in my head, and I know there is. I'm sure I don't even recognize it, much of the time. I want so badly to get/be better, but I sometimes feel like "wanting" and even "trying" aren't necessarily enough. I am terrified that I might just be like this, forever, no matter how hard I try or how much I want otherwise.

When this diminishes, everything else will get better. There is wayward thinking because by having the A, you have thrown yourself right back into the shame and humiliation of your FOO issues and at the same time foisted the shame and humiliation upon your WS. Now imagine the two of you have to heal from this trauma. You have a double whammy that you brought on yourself. So until you get real and face everything in a gut wrenching way (maybe you have and it will take more) and give into who you really are, you cannot heal and create a safe place for your WS. Instead you will always be trying to please him and anticipate your actions based on his rather than driving your behavior from a pure place, and a place of sincerity.

This represented the hardest part of the healing for Mr. ISurvived and me. He banked his every action on how he thought I would react. The more he did that, the worse it got for me and for us. I couldn't do it - I didn't have enough to carry him and my healing simultaneously. It seems to me you are in that trap and it is a difficult place to be. You will survive if he is not happy with you. You will not crumble. When you KNOW that, you will be able to give back to him and not before.The good part is he sees how much you want it and that fact was not lost on me either where Mr. ISurvived was concerned.

Your WS is in so much pain and that is all he can see. He doesn't have enough to help you right now. It is agonizing and you have to face the fact that you caused it, that you could do this to him because you didn't love yourself enough. So go back and realize the good in you and the person you want to be. Head towards it and you will be a safe and wonderful partner to him. He needs to heal and it is one tough thing to do with your abuser right next to you and not able to be the remorseful, empathetic partner he needs. Instead of worrying about the tactical, look at the big picture and go for it. Then the tactical will follow in good stead, doing the right thing because you are rewiring to who you want and can be.

He is sticking with you and that is good. It doesn't mean that it will be a straight trajectory upwards. It won't but take each day as it comes.

(((CSCE)))

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 10:38 PM, September 10th (Sunday)]

antlered - I think you are probably right about the attachment to outcome being subconsciously still there. I am able to give it up most days, but in times of stress I find that a lot of my old coping and defense mechanisms come back out, and in those times I find myself clinging to the outcome for some sense of stability.

When I'm having trouble processing something that feels too difficult or real, I disengage and distance myself to create a buffer between myself and the thing that's causing me stress. I was doing it today -- my therapist noticed that I was not as present during our session, and called me out on it. I *think* it's mostly the stuff with my dad. I haven't cried about it, except for a little in the moment that he was telling me, and so I'm fairly confident the shields are still up. The fact that I was beating myself up over the stuff from yesterday didn't help feeling the need for self-protection, either.

I am still working on myself -- the self-critical barrage is clearly my biggest issue, and the one I need to spend the most time focusing on. I'm quite confident the other issues I have stem from that (low self-esteem and sense of self worth, feeling the need to project a facade, lack of self-compassion, profound self-absorption, and desperate need for external validation). My therapy homework this week is to be kind to myself. I expect it will be a challenge, but it will be interesting to see what happens when I talk back to that judgmental voice. I don't think I've ever done it, before.

FreeAsABird - You're right about this being a critical time. I've always not been as communicative when I'm back home, and so this would have been a real show of change. But, though I'm trying, I'm not there yet.

He's taking it as a sign that my convictions are just as transient as they always have been, which is sad but understandable. We discussed the issue today, and I've realized I'm just not a thoughtful person. I've spent so much of my life focused solely on evading my ever-present self-criticism that I haven't had the time or energy to think about anyone else. It's a muscle I need to exercise. I'm working on it, now, but it's going to take practice.

SorrowfulMoon - I have taken this suggestion and set an alarm on my phone -- thank you! Yes, "could do better", for sure. BH is likely even more on edge because he went out last night to a concert venue that I had gone to with AP. He had vowed never to go there, but wanted to get out last night and some of his friends were going so he decided to "reclaim it". He didn't tell me this until a couple of hours ago, but that is likely making him feel more volatile, too.

TimelessLoss - Thank you for mentioning this. I think this "self-accountability" is part of what made it so hard. Yes, I hated disappointing BH, but I was also so very disappointed in myself. I wasn't able to follow through, when it came down to it. Doing this mattered to me, and I dropped the ball. I think a lot of it has to do with what antlered said about being concerned with the outcome. Toward the end of the day, I was doing it because BH was expecting it, not because I said I would.

I need to remove BH from the equation, and I need to do these things because they are what I said I would do, period. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if anyone cares, or even notices. If I said I was going to, I need to. I have let myself off the hook consistently over the years, and those mental habits are hard to break.

ISurvivedSoFar - This advice is incredibly insightful and very much appreciated. As I mentioned to antlered, I do better with this some days than others. In times of stress, I still rely on my old defenses and that causes me to backslide considerably. I've been exploring these issues with my IC, but they are so deeply ingrained that even exposing them is difficult. I know the keys to healing are self-compassion and authenticity. Unfortunately, those items are buried directly under years and years of unhealthy coping. I believe I'm moving in that direction, but it's painfully slow. I still cry at the slightest show of compassion toward me, which is a clear indication that there is still a lot of work to do.

CSCE - you cry at compassion towards you because you don't believe you are worthy and when someone shows you that you are, you can't believe it. That's what abuse does to a person. You are worthy.

Try any and all methods for changing that wiring. My WS used the Dialectical Behavior Workbook and it helps him a lot. He also uses meditation apps and other things to keep himself real and to quell the bad thoughts that go through his head in times of stress.

The biggest change I saw in WS was when he walked right into his shame and admitted who he was and why he acted in bad ways. That actually relieved him from thinking he was bad and worthless and helped him see he was behaving in bad ways because of the broken thinking from an abusive past. It sounds like a simple thing but it has lasting impact and is the shift needed to go on the road to true healing and change.

You can do this. You are good inside - we can see it. You need to believe it.

Thanks for taking up my suggestion about the alarm CSCE. I maybe thought you would think it a little foolish.

I thought long and hard about whether to send this post and don't want to flog a dead horse or be unkind to you. I know you are aware that your husband's default position is divorce and that may well be. However, on the basis I actually think you are both suitable for reconciliation or, if not, sadly be able to part on good terms, I feel it will help to show your husband that you are truly remorseful and are prepared to talk about things that might assist him but may actually hurt your chances of reconciliation.

I try to look at things as a BS in the shoes of your husband and things that, apart from the obvious overall betrayal, would really get to me. I do this not to make you suffer or berate you but to help you step inside the mind of your BH. This hopefully might assist you in your discussions with your husband on the basis that he can see that you can see and even remotely understand his hurt.

The things that stand out in my mind in your case are fairly obvious and already covered many times but for many would be deal breakers in their own right.

There is one, however, that may connect in some way with this trip. It could just be my weird brain but it does shout out to me. It probably won't occur to you and hopefully not to your BH. However, please think about your response if it does come up. Hopefully this will help you to be prepared and perhaps even address this.

One of the 'deal breakers', a pretty heinous one I must say, is the taking and sending of photos to your AP of yourself in the bathroom when you were finished dressing. I understand that this was every single morning for 8 months, seemingly without fail, so that he would be the first to see how you dressed that day.

This is connected because you would probably only have 1-1.5 hours window of opportunity to do this, certainly on the morning of a work day and yet did it. Every. Single. Day. Why? Because you were accountable to your AP, you were invested in your affair. This was for circa 240 days in a 8 month period.

Yet conversely when you are now accountable to your BS, there was a 4 hour period (2.5 before husband texted you and 1.5 before you responded) during the most important time in your relationship with your husband when you did not even think to send photos or contact him on a trip that had lasted by then only 2 to 3 days, not 240 days. Had you been so forgetful, he might wonder, when you were contacting the OM to arrange a liaison with him on previous trips or would you have been on this occasion if your affair had not been exposed.

Is it little wonder he does not feel you are invested.

So, why did this happen? Other than you actually being invested more in your affair then than your marriage now. On reflection were you/are you? Hopefully not.

One obvious reason would be the routine you had when at home, so it became second nature, even though it was very very far from a natural thing to do. Perhaps you did forget occasionally to send the photos to your OM or even better that you deliberately did not send them, say on an anniversary or birthday or other 'special' days with your husband. Albeit little consolation in the scheme of things.

On the other hand it was much more easy to be distracted on this unstructured trip and for your mind to be sidetracked. Hence the need for the alarm.

If this does come up you well know you have to be honest, even if it does hurt your chances of reconciliation.

Sorry if I have gone on a bit about something that may be inconsequential and think it perhaps best from now on to step back from posting on this thread as I don't want to distract you in your efforts. Best luck again to you both.

SorrowfulMoon - I do think we would remain on good terms if BH decides to D. He's expressed that he wants that, and the way we interact now leads me to believe it's very possible, at least until he were to start dating again. I suspect it would cause problems for his new love interests if I were still in the picture, but that's probably unavoidable.

Regarding the photos (this probably doesn't matter, but maybe a little bit of color will help)- it wasn't really anything to do with AP seeing me "first", at least for me. I usually sent them in the morning because he wanted them, and I would forget, otherwise. If my routine changed even a little, there was a strong likelihood I would space it, and often did. AP had to remind me several times to take/send them. That being said, I'm ashamed to say that I didn't skip any days, even the important ones with BH.

I only mention it to clarify that I had similar issues with memory during the A. That doesn't make anything better - it doesn't excuse my forgetting with BH - but hopefully it helps to illustrate that this is a pervasive issue with me, and not a reflection of my investment in either situation.

As I say that, I suspect it might have actually been a similar issue - I was sending the photos to AP because he wanted me to, just like I was sending updates to BH because he expected me to. As opposed to doing either thing for myself. I need to think some more about it, but I think there is something to that. When I do something "for me", I can't be dissuaded. It actually irritates BH, sometimes, how single-minded I get. Most of the things I do are "for" others, though. Yeah, there's definitely something in this idea that I need to spend some time with...

Regarding the photos (this probably doesn't matter, but maybe a little bit of color will help)- it wasn't really anything to do with AP seeing me "first", at least for me. I usually sent them in the morning because he wanted them, and I would forget, otherwise. If my routine changed even a little, there was a strong likelihood I would space it, and often did. AP had to remind me several times to take/send them. That being said, I'm ashamed to say that I didn't skip any days, even the important ones with BH.

Don't get too caught up with the shame. You were main-lining ego kibbles directly into your system. You likely felt awful about the betrayal, making the hole bigger, thus making the ego kibbles more important. Most people here either have done shameful things to keep it going, or have experienced them from a B perspective.

This is a great example why R is so goddamn hard for everyone involved.

He needs to trust you when you've shown that you can't be trusted.

He needs to open himself up to be hurt by you again when you've hurt him.

You, meanwhile, need to dedicate the same level of attention to your marriage that you did supporting your affair, while having to deal with the hole inside because you have no ego kibbles to fill it up.

It's like asking a heroin addict to act "normal" wile not getting their fix. To go back to your first post... this is "the work" for you right now, and it's not easy.

xhz700 - Every word of this resonates with me strongly.

I was absolutely an ego-kibble junkie, and now I'm going through detox, cold-turkey. The process is difficult and painful, but I know it's worth it.

I've gotten to the point where I can recognize the negative effects of shame and what it does to me, but I'm not strong enough to do anything with that information, nor do I even really understand what to do with it. I'm hoping time and IC will help me with both of those.

ISurvivedSoFar - I saw someone else mention that workbook, in another thread. I actually got it from the library but didn't get a chance to start it before the loan was up because I was reading something else. I am on the wait list for it again, now, and will definitely give it a try! Thank you for the recommendation.

CSCE,

In full disclosure, I have posted on your H thread. I will not include anything here from there.

I have followed you and not posted before. I'm not sure why. I'm somewhat snarky and like to throw some 2x4's at WW's, but never felt like I wanted to hit you with one. I feel you've been starkly honest, and trying. Where that goes remains to be seen, but you will be better for it no matter what.

Anyways. The ego kibble drew me in. Many moons ago, when I was at the height of a super successful job, I had many male coworkers wanting to have lunch and dinners with me. Well, I thought, yes. I'm smart. I'm personal, I'm fun. Of course they just want to be in my awesome presence.

Nope. I got heartfelt "we would be great together, I've booked a hotel room after dinner, I went to a massage parlor and I fuck strippers every night.....". That's just an amalgamation of the crap I heard from various men. I never crossed a line. But I wanted their ego kibbles so much that I put myself in terrible situations.

Even today, you ask me a question at work and I will answer it very thoroughly. And then, I'll give you longitudes and latitudes and what ifs and how tos and blah blah blah ad nauseum. I want everyone to think wow, she's so smart. And, I want to hear they told someone how smart I am and again just blah blah.

And yeah. I know my stuff, but there are days I just hate myself.

So, back to kibbles. Probably AP gave you kibbles with each daily pic you sent. Your husband is not. He's just trying to survive.

Kibble are good. Love is better. Love him now no matter how this ends.

I really do send heartfelt best wishes for you both. And, for your dad.

Well said Greeneyes

CECS, I am very sorry to hear about your dad. It's a lot to handle at the best of times.

Your reply to my post shows incredible self awareness of your processes. Knowing my ex as I do, I realize how much courage it takes to face all of that. Here's a well earned ego kibble .

Seriously, this will be the making of you if you stick with your self-improvement. Regardless of what happens with BH.

Best.

[This message edited by antlered at 9:36 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Greeneyesbluezy - Thank you for taking the time to chime in now, and for the support I'm sure you have given BH. I appreciate the recognition of my efforts (even if they are inelegant and sometimes misguided), and if you ever feel a 2x4 is warranted, know I'll do my best to take it on the chin.

Yes, AP gave ego kibbles freely. So freely I was even skeptical he meant all of them, but by that point I was hooked and so I didn't really care. It was like I just needed to hear them, and it was of little consequence of he meant them or not. Is that terrible to say? It feels trashy and cheap.

BH has never been an ego kibble provider, so I have no expectations of getting them from him. He shows his dedication and love in other ways, through being quietly considerate and thoughtful. Those have been a challenge to do without, but being on my own in that regard has helped me reduce my reliance on others for emotional stability, which I know has been good for me.

You are absolutely right that love beats ego kibbles, hands down. Honestly, loving does, too. Being present and invested is so fulfilling, I don't feel empty, anymore - even on the days when BH has nothing but distain and indifference for me.

I'm so saddened by the ways I turned my back on him, even before I strayed... By the time of the A, I was so wrapped up in my own issues that I didn't have anything left for him, and yet he kept giving. Every day, he gave.

Now, it's my turn to give, to the extent he'll accept it.

Antlered - Thank you. It has been really uncomfortable, but the things I'm finding can't be unseen. Things I always attributed to being simply "my nature" are actually coping mechanisms in disguise. They're everywhere, and they permeate everything I do. I don't even know who I am, underneath all of this baggage. Figuring that out is essential, as ISurvived has pointed out.

One oddly good thing about being so self-critical is that I have a lot of experience examining the things I do. In many ways, what I'm going through now is just a refocusing of that "skill" to a more productive end.

Honestly, the hardest part so far has been having to encourage myself. I usually run from anything I doubt I can accomplish - it gives me a false sense of confidence - but in this case, I don't even know what accomplishment looks like. Having to cheer myself on and say "you can do it" is utterly foreign. I've always relied on that from others, because I didn't know how to do it on my own. But, like with everything else, I'm trying. And I'm learning. Slowly, and clumsily, but learning nonetheless.

I've gotten to the point where I can recognize the negative effects of shame and what it does to me, but I'm not strong enough to do anything with that information, nor do I even really understand what to do with it. I'm hoping time and IC will help me with both of those.

I get that. You still don't need to get caught up in it though. Acceptance is going to help you a lot. You did some objectively awful things (just like every other person in the W forum). There is no more point in wallowing in that fact as there is in denying it, both are terrible coping skills that you should avoid. Accept and own it. Incorporate it into who you are. Question yourself.

I have a lot of shame in how I handled my d-day. I rugswept, I was so afraid to lose my family that I wasn't willing to stand up for myself.

I accept it. I understand why I did what I did (low self-esteem, I didn't know I deserved better). I think about who I want to be. I think about ways I could have handled that situation better, and integrate them into my behaviors now. I have better boundaries, and I have a better idea of who I am.

Shame does me no good here, and it won't do you any good either.

Compassion, acceptance, affirmation and forgiveness is where your growth lies.

[This message edited by xhz700 at 3:50 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

xhz700 - I know you're right.

Compassion, acceptance, affirmation and forgiveness is where your growth lies.

I have no doubt this is 100% true.

For the most part, I've gotten to accepting the affair, and my role in it. (I say "for the most part" because stress consistently undoes it, still...). I am pretty sure I know why I did it at the time, and though I'm only starting to understand why I was set up that way in the first place, I am on the way toward figuring that out.

The rest are so much harder. I've barely scratched the surface of them. But if growth were easy, I'd have done it by now (I hope!).

Update:

The last few days have been really hard. BH has completely disconnected and withdrawn since the debacle on Saturday night. He's not talking to me at all during the day. He has begrudgingly done the nightly phone calls, but tonight he asked what I'd think about stopping them. He agreed to do one more and "take it one day at a time" after I told him that ending them would be difficult for me, but I am concerned he's only doing so because he doesn't want to "pile on" top of the challenges with my dad's health. (He basically said as much.) I didn't ask him to continue with them, but I'm fairly certain if they stop, so will the entirety of our communication. I hope that doesn't happen.

He's really angry, which I understand is good for his healing but is proving to be a challenge since when he gets mad he completely disengages and shuts down. He said tonight that it makes him "want to be done". He really means it. I would be surprised if a decision isn't waiting in the wings.

I'm doing my best to not get distracted by it, since he has to come to the decision that's right for him, and I do fully respect that. I recognize and accept that both the decision itself as well as the process to get there are outside of my control, but I have to admit that it's making me anxious. I would have an easier time if he'd talk to me, but he's never really worked like that, so I can't expect him to start now.