As promised, herewith an update on some of the unresolved threads of this thread. 
Firstly, twisted, StopSpinning, Jduff, TH,TG, Odonna and RomanticInnocenc, ( and really, I suppose I should actually say “and all of you”) thank you for always checking in. There is a special kind of encouragement that I get from knowing that people care enough to reach out. I am sure you will know from very personal experience, we all, no matter how well it might seem we are doing, can always use a little more caring. Another reminder that, to someone, we matter. Oh, and RomanticInnocence,
Ponus wrote, much more eloquently then I could have, something I was thinking too. I laughed very loudly at how he put it!
I just hope that you were not eating at the time. 
Then, yes thanks HardenMyHeart, it was Texashunter41 who I was referring to. He posted a little higher up on this page and I responded to that, but then reread my response, it dealt with some of what he was mentioning in his thread How did it make you feel?, elsewhere in JFO so I thought that I should move it there.
I suppose I should then get on with the update. I will use Odonna’s post as a guide but if I miss anything just let me know.
I am going to start with the au pair question first as it is the most current in our life right now. It is urgent, and good progress is being made. The pre-A me would have tried to do all of the recruitment and selection stuff myself. The new, improving post-A me did something that I would never previously have done. I reached out for help. I approached some of the school moms that I know have experience with au pairs and asked for advice and assistance. They have been great. They have helped with recommendation on the agency. On what to include in contracts. On how to deal with someone becoming so intimately involved with the family and its daily life, while at the same being an employee. They explained what can be expected as part of the service and when a tip should be considered. They helped with selection criteria and interview questions and the approach to take with the interviews themselves.
On Saturday afternoon, one of the moms arranged a tea with all the moms who have experience with au pairs and invited DD and I over. It was lovely. Most of the ladies are married, so I felt safe and not like “fresh meat”. The ladies advised on all of the above and more. At the same time their kids took DD into the garden and advised her on how the get the most out of the au pair situation and play her off against dad.
The ladies also advised on what elements of the recruitment and selection process to involve 2PP in and which to keep for myself. It turned out to be a truly wonderful afternoon of social engagement. I found myself not only listening but talking as well. Some even seemed to find my conversation interesting. Some even thought that I might have a sense of humour. It went on far longer that what I think any of us anticipated, with no one leaving. Eventually DD and I had to leave to be home when WW dropped off DS.
I am now working through the potential candidate list that the agency has sent me and will be selecting those that I would like to interview. I have set aside the afternoon of Wednesday next week to do the interviews and hope to make an appointment by the end of the month.
On to OBS. Yes, OBS and I are still in contact. Where, in the first weeks we were speaking daily, we now speak every Monday. We found that our A and D related workloads were just too great for us to be able to set aside time each day. We also did not need the mutual support that we needed in those first few days. Where, initially our conversations were all about the A and the D arrangements, our conversations now are far more about “us” and what is going on in our lives.
OBS is doing so well. She tells me that she is the happiest that she has ever been in her life. With POSOM she lived a lonely life. He was insanely jealous. (I wonder how many WSs are insanely jealous. They know what they are getting up to and then project that onto the poor loyal BS). He was even jealous of her interaction with her same sex friends. For the most part, her life consisted of getting home in the evenings, making the evening meal and then getting on with the household chores while he watched TV and drank too much. He then falling asleep on the couch and her going to bed alone. (Boy, did WW pick one!)
Her parents both died some time back but they left her a bit of a nest egg as well as their retirement home. Neither of which will form part of the marriage estate. She has tenants in the retirement home but they have been given notice and when they move out she will move in there. In the interim OBS has moved in with her widow friend and allowed POSOM to move back into the marital property, until it is sold. She tells me that he was living in a hovel with an alcoholic friend before she let him move back to the home. The property is up for sale and apparently they are expecting a good price for the property. As I understand it from her, the property market, especially for single family homes, where they live is cooling this year but that is only after a strong rise the past few years.
OBS is suing for D on the grounds of adultery. It has no effect on the division of shared assets, but at least spares her the agony of having to be married to POSOM for another 12 months. Her experience, like mine, again shows how critical it is for a BS to consult with a lawyer as soon as absolutely possible. While the reasons that it was important for her difffer to what they were for me, both of us could have been so much worse off, even if we had acted just slightly differently. So to every BS new to SI. GO AND CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY STRAIGHT AWAY!!!!!!. Before you even cry, or scram, our throat punch him. (Please never throat punch him! Or even just slap him. I say him, as I just cannot imagine a man hitting a woman but it applies equally there as well. We now know that the trauma that our WS’s inflict on us is at the level of rape and child murder but in the legal frameworks in which most of us live, they get to just gloat and get away with it. If you so much as give them a slap that leaves nothing more than a warm, pink glow, you could face jail time. No, there is no justice or fairness for the BS in infidelity. It is my view that our only chance at any sort of justice from all of this is getting to the place where we build our new lives to be happier than the ones we had pre A. Don’t think it can’t be done. Go and read the thread “The best revenge” by DeeplyCrushed in D/S and then read “I am not a mess!” by tessthemess in General).
OBS is having the time of her life. She has joined a woman’s group, gotten more active in a choir and is planning a travel adventure that she and widow friend will embark on as soon as the D is finalised and she gets her share of the M estate. She has never been out of the country before.
For POSOM, things seem to be going even worse than for STBXWW. I am not going to go into too much detail. It is not my story to tell but the few bits that might be relevant are;
He is still unemployed. Like WW did for a while, he is fighting a battle with the bottle. The employer is proceeding with both civil and criminal fraud cases. His parents want to formally disinherit him. They apparently view his actions as contradictory all they have ever stood for. They have also instructed their legal advisors to investigate if there is any way for them to take legal action against WW on behalf of OBS. I find it slightly ironic that OBS is attempting to play mediator with them on behalf of POSOM. So far they are having none of it.
In terms of how STBXWW is doing, I don’t have a complete picture. I am staying strictly NC as much as is possible. You will understand why in a moment.
What I do know is that she seems to be doing well in terms of turning her back on alcohol. I do have a bit of a concern though. She is going to IC 3 times a week. I am told she has become very active with AA. Has apparently become passionately involved with some charity work. The way that it has been explained to me, I see that she is tackling these as possibly the addiction that she is replacing alcohol with. Another possibility is that it is another attempt of hers to stage manage some sort of R with me. I suppose it might just be an honest attempt to become a new and better her. Hope so.
Apart from the expected messages relating to finances or arrangements for DS visits, I still get the 3 messages every day. These are of some concern to me. Either, they indicate some emotional imbalance or, more likely, they indicate that she still thinks she is able to manage and manipulate me. To be honest, they do upset me.
This morning’s read “Good morning my love. I know you know that you are the only man I have ever loved. The day has dawned bright. I pray that this is a sign that today is the day that you will recognise just how much you still love me and open your heart to me once again. Let’s rebuild the magic we had”.
In the one of yesterday evening, she gave a long list of all the classical love tragedies and then wrote how she knows that with each I have felt frustrated that such intense, passionate love now goes unrequited for eternity, (that is true) ending with “now you have a real life, passionate tale of true love where you are in complete control of how the story ends. On this one, just one decision by you, and we all live happily ever after”.
The one late last night was, “I know that you know, that even in just the present, this loneliness is crushing me. The thought that it will be my future will be more than I can bear. I know you. You are the kindest, most caring man in the world. You have never been able to stand by and watch as someone hurts. Your humanity will not allow you to watch me have to endure this hurt for the rest of my life. End it now, you can.”
DD still refuses to have any contact with WW at all. I am not pushing it as yet. I am hoping that as she sees me soften towards WW, she will begin the same journey. As several lf you pointed out. It is not realy my job to do. Also, I have to realise that I am now well over a year out. For her it is still stage one. As you also pointed out. Everything that I felt, loss of trust, self-blame, abandonment, etc. she will be feeling. I must give her time. I also need to let go of the outcome.
DS has spent every Saturday with her other than the previous weekend, when 2PP and I went to a game lodge for the weekend. More on that a little later.
STBXWW is not yet in the townhouse but things are a little better. She is staying with one of 2BF for 3 nights a week. I was hoping to try and help to get her in as soon as possible. I think that once she can puts roots down, she will be able to begin to build a new future for herself. I made an offer to the current tenatns that they would not have to pay any rent for August if they were able to move out earlier than the end of the month. I was hoping that that might mean she would be able to move in on say the 19th. Well they accepted the offer and will be out so that she can move in on the26th. Not quite what I had hopped for but at least it is something.
She has asked if I would be willing to come over on the Sunday and help to unpack boxes and hang pictures. I think I am going to decline. I just don’t think I am there yet. Please don’t judge me on this.
The SA is agreed and everything is in process. It will become an order of court when it comes before the Judge and the D is made final. As I understand that from Atr, we are now most probably 3 or 4 weeks from that.
There is one more thing that I am just dying to share. As mentioned, I took 2PP to a game lodge the weekend prior to the one just past. Maybe I need to share a little about our game lodge experience. STBXWW and I have been going to the lodge, every year, regularly, for over 20 years. In that time we have had 3 hyena sightings. You all know the significance that the hyena and the lion has for me. One of the previous hyena sightings was quite good, with him walking across some open ground, but the others were him hiding in the shadows, obscured by bushes. On this trip the hyena walked across the road, not more than 15 meters in front of the car. Well, on last weekend’s trip we did not get to see any lions, but we did get to enjoy the most magnificent encounter with the other big cat included in Africa’s Big 5, the leopard. In our more than 20 years of visiting the lodge we have only had 5 leopard sightings. These have usually been just a tail dangling from a tree, a flick of an ear or only seen through a pair of good binoculars. Well, on the same game drive on which we were treated to the hyena, a leopard emerged, not more than 5 meters in front of the car. He stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of the car. Looked directly at me as if to say “this is my domain. I will allow you into it as long as you show the necessary respect. Stay an appropriate distacne, and then proceeded to walk down the road for maybe one and a half kilometres, directly in front of the car. Incredible. On top of this, there were several other sightings of other species that were also the best ever. 2PP are convinced that this was nature saying to the OhFor family. “We know you have had some tough times recently, we feel for you, and are going to do something a little special, to see if we can help brighten the world for you”. I promise, I am not making any of this up. I have the photo evidence. As soon as I figure out how to get the dam things to display (I have registered a photo bucket account and followed all the instructions but still just can’t get it). I will share them.
What I do seem to be able to share wrt photos is a link to Google drive but then it seems as if only some can see them and I don't know if that is breaking SI rules. I made a mistake the other day and although I was corrected by the mods in an ever so gentle way, I felt terrible about it. Don't want to do that again. I need this place.
If any loose ends remain, just let me know. This place has been so incredibly helpful to me. If there is a way that I can repay I gladly will.
Also, I will update on any big events, such as when the D is finalised.
Edit to change "The new, improved post-A me" to "improving". An still a work in progress.
[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:48 AM, August 21st (Monday)]
