SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any response from the ww?

Things are well for the Ohfor family

While life is different, it honestly can’t be said to be bad or even just worse than our recollection of what we remember it to have been. There are moments of sadness for each one of the trio, but there are more moments of joy. We are making new discoveries as well as new memories.

One of the discoveries is rather startling. It is of a “Men in Black” magnitude.

I am not sure how many of you are students of physics, but those that are will be aware of the debate about the multiverse. The theory that we live in one of many parallel universes. Some of the most respected thinkers of our time are proponents of the theory including Stephen Hawking, Brian Greene, Max Tegmark, and Alan Guth, plus many more. Well, I now have conclusive proof that there is a parallel universe to the one that I had been living in for the past 20 plus years. One that I was never even allowed to catch a glimpse of. It seems that it is kept strictly off limits for faithful husbands. I hope that I am not sharing a secret that should be restricted only to the New Beginnings forum. Maybe I should ask each of you for a secret password before I share this. Mabey I need to organise for each of you to be blitzed with the Men in Black wand when you are done reading this.

Parallel to the universe in which I lived as a faithful husband, in which we shopped, socialised, worked and parented, there is a universe of hundreds of attractive, single women!. All previously invisible to me. Once the “Keepers of the Secret” determined that the faithful husband role has been ripped from me they clearly decided that I could now be allowed into that universe.

I am sure that you will agree that there is still no communication mechanism more effective than the urban grapevine. In less than a week from telling the kids, the neighbourhood knows that Ohfor is “Soon to be Single”. I am curious to know if the soon to be single BWs experience anything like this, or what the opposite gender equivalent of what I am experiencing might be? We literally, now need to buy a 2nd refrigerator. The kitchen counter is lined with home cooked meals (most cooked by the maids mind you) that have streamed in daily.

Their intelligence gathering abilities are astounding. Cherry pie is my favourite. Who outside of the family would know that? Over the weekend 2 freshly baked cherry pies arrived.

I am receiving invitations to all manner of things. A cheese and wine for a new home showing, the opening function for a new women’s fashion boutique, to join different bridge clubs and even an invitation to join a women’s only book club(I hope they know I am not gay). A slew of invitations to join various golf, 4 balls, where I am fairly confident that I would be the only player not wearing pink and white. (Although I am a member of 2 clubs I am terrible at the game and hardly ever play. Would just embarrass myself. For me I just love the therapy of being alone on the driving range very early in the morning).

We went shopping as a family today. It took over 3 times longer than we had anticipated. Everyone in the store stopped to chat. They all knew me and the kids by name. I didn’t recognise one of them. Each would commiserate then compliment. “So sorry for what you are going through. Just know how much I respect you for XYZ”.

It was just so sweet to see DD operate. Clearly her woman’s radar was on full alert. She would sense an approaching trolley before I even saw it on the horizon, and depending on her assessment of the merit of allowing the contact, she would manoeuvre herself, trolley and DS so as either to allow comfortable access to me or keep the new arrival well at bay. Already making sure that she protects Father’s heart. I felt a little flustered all the way through and realised again just how poor I am at making casual conversation. Only once we were nearly done did I realise that it didn’t matter in the least. I have no interest in any sort of new relationship other than with my kids. It might actually help me in that cause if I come across as a boring, social incompetent.

I am worried about WW. I think she is on the highway to hell. 2BF tell me that she is spending every evening in the hotel bar as a bar flirt. WW called me last week, saying that she was excruciatingly lonely and could she join us for Friday supper. I said absolutely not. To my mind that is one of the family treasures that she sacrificed when she made her decisions. She asked if the kids could spend Saturday with her and that I was happy with, as long as she did not touch alcohol at all while they were with her. DD did not want to go but DS spent the day with his mom and said it was ok.

Atr tells me that WW has been lawyer shopping. She has consulted with all 3 of the names we gave her and at least 2 others. She is getting the same message back from all of them but clearly does not like what she is hearing. I really hope that she gives me something on this soon. If for nothing else but to give the kids some certainty.

Some women are desperate. Not saying that they would have to be desperate to be interested in you, ohforanewme. But, you are fresh meat. There is no man more vulnerable to a women's charms than a recently widowed or divorced man. Just sayin'.

Good for you Ohfor for not letting her join u for dinner. My STBXWW invited me to her house for a bday party for DD at her rental house today. I didnt respond or RSVP. I have no desire to be in that house or hang out with WW friends. She's already started asking about holidays together. To which I will decline for 2 reasons 1) I have no desire to be around this woman any more that absolutely neccessary. And 2) I will start new traditions with my kids...after all this is my new life.

My DD and DS know I love them. They know why I'm not coming to the party....it has nothing to do with them.

Glad to see you are moving on. It's hard but it's neccessary....for your sanity and for your kids! You are an inspiration sir!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 1:34 PM, July 16th (Sunday)]

Ohfor,

Stay the course you've charted. Concentrate on the kids. Outstanding response on the Friday dinner request from her.

I really hope that she gives me something on this soon. If for nothing else but to give the kids some certainty.

They need that. Catch as catch can visitation actually upsets their routine and does not create stability. Their path to stability requires her to be the best co parent she can be. Your divorce agreement allows her that opportunity.

Is she still at the hotel? I thought she would be in your other property by now. Or is that dependent on her acceptance of the entire agreement?

Oh Sistermilkshake

You really know how to kill off a man's budding ego. "Desperate women" and me being just a lump of meat. But It is most probably just as well for me not to allow any hint of ego or pride to grow right now. Ego has to be the very worst emotion on which to build a relationship.

I certainly have no intention of embarking on any sort of new relationship for very many years. My target is to do a good job of getting my 2 precious people through school, then university and well on their way in the world of work. Maybe help each set up their own first business and settle in sound relationships. Then might allow myself to explore that side of me again.

So, yes please. If ever you see the need please bring me down to earth. Don't even think of being subtle about it(and I mean that from the bottom of my heart). I might have taken offense once before but I was in a much more vulnerable space at that point.

Not fully whole yet but am really strong again and enjoy your posts and sense of humor.

Oh, please be wary of the CPB's (cherry pie bearers). Broken attracts broken, as we say in the new beginnings forum. Enjoy the ego boost but heal yourself first.

Timelessloss

The tenants in the Townhouse that she will be moving into are only out at the end of August, so yes, she is still in the hotel and will be for another month.

Not ideal but I can't think of anything better. Gran's place is open but I just can's stomach the thought of her being that close.

I am so much stronger but I feel and get physicaly ill whenever I have to see her. There are clearly still some issues that I need to deal with. I have decided to start up IC for myself again. It is just going to be hard to make the time for that. I am putting up a brave face and doing quite well at being a single parent dad but it does take more time and effort and things at work are going very well but that means extra challenge. We have just sealed 4 large health facility construction deals on the continent.

That is going to introduce a whole new set of challenges.

Who cares. Once you have dealt with the challenge of having a wife who has repeatedly had sex with other men, everything else is a piece of cake.

At some appropriate time you will not have to be 100% Child Centered. You may not recognize it when it comes. And then be fearful of it when you do. Part of it is the difficult process of letting go when we realize our children don't "need" us 24/7/365.

The point being to take some time for yourself when it is appropriate. Adult time outside of work. So you can have adult time with your closest social circle. Hosting a dinner party with carefully selected close friends is a suggestion. It may trigger you and bring forth memories of the past. Perhaps you are a "go toward the problem" guy like me. Keep in mind that at each instance you are creating new memories with family and friends.

I expect your daughter may be a catalyst for making you carve out "Ohfor Time". She seems to have an instinctive emotional intelligence.

Give some thought to the near future when your children with their mother during regular visitation times. Alone time doesn't have to mean you are lonely. Just have awareness that these times may be a trigger for feelings of loss.

Ohfor,

Just felt compelled to comment. I don't often read jfo due to the level of pain from fresh newbies. When I do it is only when the sheilds are firmly in place with full power. Yet your post describing the telling of your children diminished the sheild entirely and I was close to sobbing the entire way through. What a shit day huh, a day that just should only exist in a parallel universe, not here. Yet you have handled all of this with such dignity and grace, despite the animal inside that would like to punish and mame her for what she did to you and the two beautiful creatures you brought into this world. You have held your head high and should always be proud of that. The fact that she is shopping lawyers and not just simply signing off on the very fair and reasonable divorce offer shows where she is at. How any mother can be at a bar flirting and drinking while the two children she brought into this world are hurting most, I can never understand. I know for me I would hurt because they hurt, not drown my sorrows in a glass and some fake ego kibble, but of course it is still all about her. My mother did something similar when she decided to leave my step father. Her pain was way more important then her children, we were older but it hurt all the same. My step dad wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to allay our fears and insecurities (he is my sisters bio dad), he is a quiet, unemotional man, a good man, just not into feelings. So that is the only advice I can give, make sure you talk to them, often. Make sure they know how valued they are by you and that nothing will take you away from them! Im sure its moot advice but it makes me feel better to know I'm reinforcing what you seem to be a natural at doing, in case you ever doubt yourself.

Sending strength to your trio for the hard days and hoping your xww gets her head out of her arse fast enough to inflict the least amount of damage on her kids as possible. They deserve the mum they thought they had, not the monster they are afraid they have!

Ohfor

I am so glad you are all forming a new cohesive family unit. I think your children have inherited your strength. They are quite impressive.

And thank you for the update. As SI contributors it is easy to really start caring for the well being of those who are being helped. It is helpful to hear updates of those who have found their way out of infidelity. Please keep them coming.

As for WW, I don't believe you owe her any more than you have already done for her. However you may want to think about helping her to get out of this funk solely for your children's sake. They don't deserve to have a drunken flirting mother who has so obviously lost her way.

Is it possible she can go stay at one of the BFs homes for a few weeks until the renters leave the place she will stay? Maybe that would be a better environment for her to come to grips with what she has done to her life and to formulate her own path forward. (It's so sad for all of you that she was willing to gamble away the wonderful life you all had for flings with POS other men. )

Is she still in IC? Maybe your (mature beyond her years) DD would be willing to accompany her to her IC sessions to make sure she gets the help she needs.

Just some thoughts I had as I read your post. Again, you don't owe her any more help. But I am only thinking about your kids and their feelings of having a mom who has so very much lost her way.

Good luck and I wish you continued strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:31 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

If you are saying things like you don't want a relationship until your kids graduate from college then you're doing a good job of rug sweeping your own emotions. It's probably good at this stage but you're wise to stay in IC. It'll be tough dating again to be sure, but your kids deserve a happy, well-rounded parent.

Thanks for taking my post in the spirit it was meant. You have a good head on your shoulders and seem to have a good plan in place. Wishing you peace and serenity on your healing journey, ohforanewme.

Argh, its Monday

After a magical weekend, the real world hits.

Thanks for preemptively picking me up RomanticInnocenc.

Stevesn, I know, in hind sight, a hotel has to be the worst possible place for her. That is the environment that set it all off. I just don't have other options right now. 2BF have been so wonderful, I don't want to impose any more but will ask them if they have any ideas. As mentioned in an earlier post I have no family here and WW only has an older sister. They hate each other and a little ironic, SIL lives in Canada.

Sharkman, as always you are most probably right. But to even think of exposing my heart to hurt again causes my chest to tighten and my breathing to become shallow (although having said that, you cannot believe just how beautiful some of these women are, and better than that, most seem to be truly caring souls. I will make sure that DD vets anyone before I even consider it. She just has a woman's intuition. I would imagine, well supported by a woman's grapevine too. She will have the intel to separate the cheaters from the cheated on and then the just available).

I will not close my heart completely. I have proven that I know how to love and loved it while I was still blissful in the illusion. For now though I will direct my love to my 2 precious people and restrict my love interest to the newest member of the Ohfor family. I think that I have finally managed to post 3 photos of the project in SuperDaddy's thread in "Divorced"

What about an airbnb flat or small house in a neighborhood for a few weeks instead. Although I think part of it is that she is not living with someone she knows that she can engage with instead of searching nightly for company in a bar.

Hi, OhFor,

What grace you have shown! Clearly, now not only your XWW--but much of single, local womankind--has/have a sense for what a good man you are. (It's too late for your XWW, of course... All choices and actions have consequences; her consequences are now plain even for her to see.)

Whatever, that's not what I want to share in this post... It is this: You will know you're ready for another relationship, when you are healed and feel content being single.

The reason rushing into any relationship right is a bad idea is that while the prospect may feel wonderful to be with a good woman right now--it's a mistake for you (and unfair to her). It feels good partly because you are in pain and, during this time, being with a woman can ameliorate that pain--in the short run. The danger is that it's SOOOO easy to overlook things about her that would otherwise drive you crazy or away; or, conversely, you'll see good things in her that aren't really there!

Eventually reality would set in but separating then can be especially painful, and set your healing back to zero--or worse.

It seems that it takes anywhere from 3 to 5 years to heal from the trauma and ravages of infidelity. That time cannot be rushed. When you are content and healed, you will know. Then, you can make your own healthy decisions about how/if/when you choose to enter into another relationship.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 11:53 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

Ohforanewme, just one or two of my thoughts. Ok maybe three or four,

I don’t think you have to do anything more for your EXW than you are already doing, even if you did find/get her somewhere else to stay, I don’t think it will change her ways, it’s not your responsibility anyway, for I believe she will still continue as she always has no matter where she lives doing what she wants to do and F**K everybody else, probably back to the same hotel in the same bar looking for the same kind of company, ok lets put the truth out there, lots of male sexual company is what we are talking about it’s who she is, the old saying a Leopard does not change it’s spots is oh so true in her case.

Some posters on here have suggested you try to get your daughter, shall we say back on good terms and closer to her mother, I hope you don’t and here’s why, she is a very adult thinking nearly 16 yr old young woman, she knows her own mind and if you try to change that it may alienate you from her and I’m sure you don’t want that, for when she is 16 next month (don’t know the laws in your state) but in a lot of them if a 16 yr old does not want contact with one of the parents in these situations then the courts will not force it upon them, far better to wait IMHO and if she wishes to see her mother then let her make that decision.

You have 2 very well adjusted and brought up children, even your soon to be 11 yr old son, he also shows signs of adult ways about him, not only from you which you have taught them both (which is a credit to you) but also from I’m sure his sisters guidance, I believe that she has suspected for quite a while her mother has not been a good wife to you or a good mother guide roll, but she did not somehow want to believe it to be true, so she has remained silent because of her love and respect for you, and if she was right, then not wanting to be the one to bring this pain down on you, children often know more than they let on but are afraid to speak out.

Talking about your daughter being protective of you with others, she is magic IMHO, I’m sure it makes you so proud of her, I know you say you do not want to get involved with anyone else for a long time, even after their schooling days are finished and them both in employment before you think you might want to think about finding someone else to love and settle down with.

Well here’s the thing I don’t think it will be or take as long as that, I think that once the D is over and done with and a with couple of years of you healing from it down the line maybe less, I can see it being your children, especially your daughter saying (she will know when the time is right), come on dad it’s time you got back out there, you need to find someone else to love as well as us, yes we will always be there for you, but we won’t/can’t always be living with you, one day we will be getting married and leaving the family home, making our own homes and family’s and you into a great granddad, so we need to see you finding another woman to love and to grow old with together and to be ready and waiting to spoil your grandchildren when they arrive, we need to see this before then.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 4:36 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

I want to wholeheartedly agree with what BJE49 says:

Some posters on here have suggested you try to get your daughter, shall we say back on good terms and closer to her mother, I hope you don’t and here’s why, she is a very adult thinking nearly 16 yr old young woman, she knows her own mind and if you try to change that it may alienate you from her and I’m sure you don’t want that, for when she is 16 next month (don’t know the laws in your state) but in a lot of them if a 16 yr old does not want contact with one of the parents in these situations then the courts will not force it upon them, far better to wait IMHO and if she wishes to see her mother then let her make that decision.

My son likewise is 16 and after not telling him why we got divorced for the past 3 plus years, I finally told him a few months ago, because I decided it was time he knew the truth. At 16 he knows what's up - he knows she spent years lying and cheating on me and the family for years with various men. There's no surgarcoating that. He's made his own decision to live with me full-time. He's just not comfortable living with someone of such low moral character. I raised him right.

I am careful not to bad mouth her. It is still his mother. You only get one of those from what I read. But it would be disingenuous of me to encourage him to maintain a relationship with her on the purported ground that he just has to. He's a big boy and it's a marathon not a sprint. He will decide in his own, on his own schedule, to what extent he wants her in his life. Maybe next year. Maybe when he's 30. Maybe never. But it's his choice. And none of it is his fault, which I remind him of regularly enough.

I hope that helps shed some light on things...

You've risen Phoenix-like, and all of us are so very proud.

Your kids are tremendous!

Indeed, carve out some time for IC; it could aid you in your exciting new journey.

Your ex, hopefully for the kids, will eventually find her footing. In the meantime, you're doing everything right.

The universe--and multiverse--begins with you.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:29 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

WW has again asked if the children could spend Saturday with her (DS is happy to go. DD will not). I told her about the call from her employer and my concerns about her alcohol use. She promised that she would not drink while he is with her. I said that I would only allow him to go if she had nothing to drink from 16:00 this evening and that I would take the necessary action to confirm. She said that I had nothing to worry about in that regard. One of 2BF have asked to her to come and stay with them for the weekend and they could confirm for me.

My other condition was that she give me feedback on the settlement. She confided that she had torn up her copy in a rage earlier in the week. Her view was that I was getting all the best bits. The townhouses might be new and valuable but it is the walls of the home that echo with the laughter of all the kid’s growing up years. Her XC90 is brand new but it is mine that has all the scuffs and scratches that bear testimony many memory making trips as a family. I reminded her that those were the things that she valued less than her APs.

I said that I would not let DS spend the day with her again until she promised to give me feedback on the settlement. I said it was not for me, but that 2PP needed some certainty in life. She promised that if I let her have a new copy when she picks up DS she would read and get back to me within the week.

Maybe we can at last get moving on this.