Hi all
Thanks again for the incredible support.
Enlightenedwife glad to see your post. I stopped by your thread early this morning wondering how things are going for you. So looking forward to a positive post on transformation and renewal.
I am sure that all will understand that I did not feel up to posting any more from the court this morning but there is a bit more that I can share.
I was not sure whether to post this here or rather as a new thread in D/S where I have been welcomed into the community and been receiving wonderful support. I then realised that posting here would provide a more complete picture of the journey through infidelity, almost to the end point.
The experience of today was again an important part of my journey to a new and improving me.
Over here, in an uncontested D where there are no minor children involved, neither party has to appear. In cases where there are minor kids, only one of the parties need appear. I tried to get WW to let me know if she would be there. If she was going, I did not want to go. I don’t know what it is, I still get physically nauseous every time I see her. All other times I feel nothing. No hate, no anger, actually, never even give her a thought. My life has been so happy over these past few weeks it is as if to me she never even existed. It is as if 2PP just dropped into my life by some blessed miracle. But when I actually she her, I come all unstuck. An impossible to describe repulsion.
So my plan was to get there early, find a spot where I could do the invisible man thing that I am so expert at. If she arrived, I would slip away. If she did not, I would go in.
Going to court was a humbling experience. I have been to court quite often, but always as an expert witness. I was chauffeured to the steps, was met at the kerbside, had my laptop bag carried for me and was led down the corridor to a private witness room where some poor article clerk always hovered constantly asking if there was anything I needed, water, coffee, how many sugars. I would walk down the corridor in my suit, with pristine starched white shirt and bold blue tie. With confidence. In the very centre of the corridor. Always just half a step ahead of my attentive posse. I consciously felt superior to the dishevelled, motley, lonely, looser lot, in little huddles on the stairs and in the corridors, there to have their cases heard.
In the courtroom I sat eye to eye with the Judge. I acknowledged his standing in society and he mine. The defendant and the plaintiff sat well below us, anxious and always slightly subservient. It was right that way. We were the power class, their fate was in our hands.
Man I am beginning to hate the who I was. Such an arrogant twat! No wonder I had no friends.
Today I was motley, loser lot. I found it to be a much more human and approachable slice of society. One I now would rather be part of.
I carefully searched for, and identified, the best possible spot for me to do my invisible man thing. Being the bland, generic “one of the crowd” that I was today, I blended in perfectly with the grubby beige wall of the corridor. No one would notice, and if WW arrived, I could slip out undetected. Unfortunately, the stench of lonely loser seems to be irresistible to some and soon a little group had gathered around me. The chap next to me tried to start up a conversation. I suppose to try and help us bide the time. I just did not have the energy for it. My half turn away and raising of the shoulder, gave the very clear signal that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Thankfully he turned his attention to the chap on his other side.
It seemed like an eternity that I stood there. My mind was totally blank. The place began to fill. First, more of the motley crew, then the ever efficient clerks, then the learned legal men with their black, wheeled, leather, document boxes and finally those in flowing robes.
WW arrived. As always, resplendent, radiant, in her beauty. Talkative fellow next to me said to his new found friend, “what idiot would be divorcing that”. If I had not been worried about breaking cover, I might have said to him, “if you want, you can have her, and if it is only a screw that you want you might not even need to marry her. A dinner at a good restaurant and a room at a top hotel is all that will be required”.
She always knew how to spot me, even when no one else would. She came straight across to me. Drew me to her, curled one leg around me and tried to give me an open mouth kiss. I had an instant flash of her arriving at Heathrow and doing just that to AP2 when she found him waiting for her in the arrivals hall. I threw up in the men’s room.
It had one positive spin off. One of the clerks witnessed my distress and got us first on the roll for reasons of health.
This meant that we were done much earlier than I had expected. I had most of the day before me. I did not want to go home. I was still too nauseous to want to eat. I did not want company of any sort. I just got in the car and headed in the opposite direction to home. I found a spot in the most secluded part of the massive parking lot of a huge warehouse type store. I just sat in the car. Mind blank. I was disturbed by a knock on the car window. A security guard had noticed me and wanted to know if I was alright. I suppose I must have looked distraught and he certainly did not want to have to deal, on his shift, with the body of some fool who offed himself. I then drove to the most southern tip of the city. An industrial zone that I had not been to since before we were married. It has changed unrecognisably. While studying I had done some of my compulsory engineering vacation work at a factory there. There has been so much change I could not find where it had been. I stopped at a massive, abandoned site that had once been a proud and productive factory. It was now just concrete slabs and weeds and derelict conveyers and steel skeletons with peeling corrugated cladding. It was desolate. No birds, no stray cats. Not even rats. It was so completely absent of life that not even the slight breeze could get one of the pieces of peeling corrugated cladding to clang against a pillar. Absolute silence. I just walked around the site. No thoughts. Eyes looking but not seeing anything. No emotion whatsoever. It was as if I needed to just be there until my humanity returned. I don’t know how long I was there or what finally made me decide to leave but by the time I started my journey home I could have kicked myself. The afternoon rush hour was in full swing. When I finally looked at my phone, which had been switched off for the court appearance, there must have been over 20 frantic voice messages from 2PP and friends. I called DD and apologised. She was furious and relieved at the same time. Wanted to both scold and comfort me simultaneously. I told her I was okay. Really okay. That meant that she no longer needed to comfort so let rip with the scold stuff. DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
My trip south was unplanned. Had no purpose other than just to allow me to be alone and totally blank, but on the drive home it struck me what a powerful metaphor of my marriage that factory site could be if ever I wanted to be poetic or philosophical about it. Not going to do that. You folk can if you want. Toy with it in your mind for a while. Might just describe yours as well.
I am home. I am fine. I am happy. Deep in my soul happy. I am human again, and I am now able to look forward to my Freedom Day celebration, without any distraction.
Thanks for being there with me for every step along the way of this journey
