SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jack. I am so sorry for you. You are suffering and in pain and everyone at SI knows that pain and struggle.

It hurts so bad you will do almost anything to stop the pain. Make it go away.

We can give you advice and tips and support but you need to stand up and March down the path to No Contact with her. No one can do that for you.

My own hell was kicking my CH to the curb. It broke my heart b/c I have a hard time standing up for myself and being tough with people. I avoid confrontation whenever possible.

Well that turned out to be the best thing i did. It made his head spin and realize what he had done.

But he did everything from that day on to make amends. We have reconciled but it took drastic action to get him to wake up.

If you heard your situation from a close friend - what would you tell him to do? Keep being abused and lied to? Keep being mistreated and cheated on?

You have countless pieces of evidence to show you she doesn't get it. Snd is still saying and doing all the wrong things.

I watched my teenager go through the same situation for years. Took the chesting and lying and verbal abuse, the relationship would end (not by my child b/c there was no strength to end it but it ended by my child being dumped for all kinds of reasons) and then the Narcissist would reappear, my child went running back and the cycle would repeat.

It went on for years b/c it was allowed to happen. Promises were always made it would be different but it was always the same script.

Until it finally ended upon graduation and they went their separate ways. FINALLY!

I hope if you take her back this doesn't become your pattern or cycle. Because she has not done or said one thing to give hope that she understands what she did. And please know she cannot be "fixed" or "helped" unless she wants it. And it will be hard work.

Set boundaries and protect yourself first and foremost.

Thanks to all for your input and concern. I've been home for a couple of hours now and have come down out of the anxiety clouds. Had a really thoughtful IC session today. Spoke with WGF after and told her that if this is the life she wants to lead then leave me out of it. She insisted up and down that it was over with shithead lover. I told her she didn't have to lie anymore because I just want her to be happpppppy. I also told her that I loved her daughter very much and that I would miss her. I told her that I loved HER, but I was letting her go and that I hope she gets her life straightened out. She's a mess and I tried to clean her up and failed...what else can I say? It wasn't in the cards for us.

Love you all. This forum has meant the world to me getting through this turmoil. I'll update you if I crap the bed again.

Jack, what a . are you doing to your life? Every contact with this toxic woman is nothing more than a nail in your coffin. If you want your life to be a soap opera – just keep talking to her, and rest assured: within a couple of weeks you will turn into a paragon of misery.

If you can't stop engaging, there is an effing great solution: run away from her at high speed. Run away to someone who can comfort and distract you from this toxic person. Run away to a place where you can breath safely and sleep 8 hours a night. Take a vacation leave, buy a ticket and move on to meet someone who can direct your attention in a constructive way.

And the last one. As an executive to an executive, I strongly encourage you to read again "What makes a leader" by Daniel Goleman. If you are an executive and peoples life depend on you – you should urgently seek support (including the one coming from within) and stop this mess by cutting any contacts with this woman and finding a safe place to heal and recover.

Jack, it is good that you are settling down after the latest emotional upheaval. I caution you to keep NC with WGF. The KISA in you is strong and she is obviously a mess. Please don't get trapped into her life again. You do deserve a better woman to share your life when you are ready.

WoW- thanks fort the 2x4 to the face. I needed it as much as I need sleep tonight. Back to facing reality again that she is absolute train wreck of a lost cause. So with that I am going to take your advice and hop on a plane to the west coast next Wed-Sun to keep me away from this place. Coming this weekend is a trip to the Midwest to see my kiddos. Getting out of dodge to keep myself from getting trapped. Been rising and falling with the anxiety tide this evening. Got my head in the literature to keep my eyes and mind occupied.

On a separate note, there is a wonderful BBC documentary "10 things you need to know about sleep". It's fun to watch and easy to implement. Good luck, you can do it, we are full of trust in you.

She's broken, I know that, and it is appealing to my better nature of grace, forgiveness, and mercy.

Please see this for the COD /KISA that it is. I wrapped a LOT of COD behavior into my faith for a long time. But God doesn't want you to save her. HE wants to save her..and that involves her being honest with herself. She may or may not do it, ever. But your taking her back or even continuing to engage is getting in the way of the natural consequences which God allows in our lives.

I wish you a great trip.

[This message edited by latebloomer45 at 10:34 AM, July 12th (Wednesday)]

Checking in. Finally got some decent sleep last night. Woke up with a resolve to reinforce NC. I was down, but not quite out yet. The days ahead will be challenging, I know. I'll keep coming back to my support group here. So grateful for this place.

Jack,

What you're doing is amazingly difficult and we are all very very proud of not just how you've handled it but how you've managed to do so in a way that reflects the person that you are (and by extension what you deserve).

SM

Just to reinforce what wordsofwisdon said:

Every contact with this toxic woman is nothing more than a nail in your coffin.

You have ended it, leave it alone, for your own peace of mind. Put it behind you, no more dramatics.

It's hard to shut the door and walk away, hoping you find the strength.

I've boiled it down to the basics and have figured out why this is eating me up. Pride, ego, and heartbreak. In it's simplest form, here is what transpired-

1. Ex WGF acts out by disappearing after a night out. I flip out.

2. Ex WGF grows distant over a matter of weeks, texting shithead chiropractor on the regular

3. Ex WGF asks me to move out so we can have some space to work things out. I comply and leave with only my personal belongings

4. Follow my gut and swing by during a midday disappearing act by Ex WGF. Bust her and shithead chiro in the act. Space has a name. Rage ensues.

5. NC for 6 weeks

6. Contact made on 7/4. Reconnect with her little girl. Ex WGF loses her shit, tears etc. Tailspin for yours truly.

7. Contact continues. Lies and more lies. Ex-WGF busted on lies.

8. Biggest lie was that it was over with shithead chiro. He actually moved in 3 days after dday and is still there. Self confirmed through being a creepy stalker.

9. More lies. More pain.

10. Why can’t I just get over it?

Here’s why…Pride and ego wounded by being replaced so mindlessly and the heartbreak of losing that little one to such a clusterfuck of a life. Why am I wallowing in it? Yeah- that’s why…

Let time pass. It'll help. During that time do positive things to move on. Don't allow yourself to sit and lament this. It was a shitty thing that happened and you didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair but life isn't fair. Take the time to mourn the loss but don't obsess over it. Force yourself to get up and get moving toward moving on.

The only real mistake you've made is getting involved with this woman in the first place, the rest is just the details of that mistake.

Don't look back, look forward, chalk it up to another of life's wonderful experiences (sarcasm)

Sounds to me like she thought the Chiro was a better money-maker than you. So she monkey-branched over to him while with you so you could pay her bills until the Chiro guy was hooked. Once you figured it out, she had Chiro move in so he could pay bills. Then she realized that he wasn't as hard a worker as you and caught an opening back to you on 7/4. She then figured that if she fed you enough shit you might swallow it and come back (still with Chiro though in case it didn't work). Then had Chiro move out thinking that you might think that she's making a real effort. Then gets call from you for her to have a good life without you? I doubt that she's convinced that you're done. She'll likely be making contact again soon.

In summary, she doesn't love you. She wants you to pay the bills and care for the kid. In spite of all of her words, she doesn't know or care what love is. She's a user of men for her selfish purposes. She gives sex and says comforting things in order to get a man, any man, to pay the bills and pay attention to her and the kid. And if you don't pay enough attention then she'll find someone on the side who will.

She's standard whore trash. Sorry.

ps: I wonder if she's stalking this forum and reading your entries. It's awfully odd that she found out that you did a drive-by. Is there someone that you talk to that she's pumping (pun intended) info out of? Hmmm.

Shit like this leaves one traumatized, especially those who have a savior syndrome/co-dependency and in this case you want to save the Xgf AND the kid, besides your need for sensemaking after all the gaslighting and lies about wtf has happened. No wonder cold turkey NC is hard. I personally think that gradual removal/NC would make things easier to cope with, now and then checking in and talking and keeping a healthy distance (no relationship). You wish her and the kid the best but do not want a relationship anyway right? It hurts to lose 'the family', I and we know, maybe this route can soften the pain, as long as you don't go back to her and keeo a healthy distance and be strict about it it would be okay. And then you'll see it gradually fizzle out. If it is something that offers perspective, discuss with your IC. Strength brother

I told her I drove by and she accused me of stalking her. I told her tough shit, that's what happens to liars and cheaters. Honestly though I know now it was me pain shopping. No way she reads this forum. It's too much reality for her. Reality of the damage she has caused.

Your words are harsh Dismayed, and much appreciated. I'm gonna lay low this weekend with my brood and try to keep her in my rear view.

Hey Jack......yeah, pride and ego are tough bitches to get past. But stay NC unless you like to keep tearing bandaids off . There might also be a tiny bit of 'she's broken so I need to stay in her life to help her get better'. That also doesn't work. You can't help her. But you can help yourself. Having her back in your life will torment you more than staying NC. Hang tough bro. She isn't worth any more heartache.

As part of my self prescribed therapy I finally reached out to ex WGF business partner and told him everything. Turns out he knows shithead chiropractor because he goes to that treatment center as well. All I can say is that he was floored and completely appalled with what I had to share. He said he can't have that type of business partner as they serve a highly conservative clientele. Somebody has a world of hurt next week. Of course she lied to him about our demise. Figures...lies, lies, lies.

[This message edited by jackfl at 3:45 PM, July 14th (Friday)]

Good for you, jack.

Push all that shit over the top and let it roll downhill where it belongs.

She will continue to lie.

Stay away, avoid the stds.

nothing you can do for the little girl.

do something fun for yourself.

N/C and more N/C.