SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone, I wanted to share my story in hopes that all the experts on here can provide some clarity and direction. Reading all the articles and other post have been very helpful, but my situation seems a bit different, so here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs, and have two children together. About 2-3months ago, she started going out more, but said it was with friends. Sometimes I would drop her off, others she would just drive on her own. i also went out with my friends, and we never really worried about it each. There were no trust issues in my mind. Even though she was out with friends, I never asked her with who and what they were doing, although we did talk a little about what they did when we would get home and who was there.

About 4 weeks ago, I noticed that she was more distant. She changed the passcode to her cell, and had some calls in her car. That same weekend, she told me that she does not love me anymore, and that she feels like she has a void. Totally took me by surprise. I though we were fine and happy. I told and asked her parents, girl friends, and they were all surprised. She wanted to leave, and that she doesn't see us going on b/c the love we have is not the love she wants. She wants the fantasy feel good love, the sex that is not like phucking she said.

At that time, I was devastated and have not found this site, or others yet. So I spent the next 2 weeks trying to fix the situation, pleading with her that I would change, make things better and do whatever it took to keep our family intact. I love her, and still do, and I love our little family. But had i seen this site, I wouldn't have bought her gifts, and pleaded with her or contacted her friends.

So 2 weeks ago, she said she is moving out. She has detattched herself from me when we had this talk. She said she tried to hold it in for 3 yrs, but it was too much now that it surfaced. I asked her if she had met someone, or was cheating on me and she said no. I believed her, and its just not her personality. I asked her friend and Mom, and they said its not like her either.

So the day she left, I looked at her phone, and she got a text from the OM. I instantly knew what was happening, and that she is leaving b/c she was having an affair and the guilt got to her. Also, I believe women tend to only be able to give their love to 1 man at a time, so being by me in bed probably guilted her too much.

We lied to the kids about her moving out to help her mom, and it wasn't a mom and dad separation issue.

Now she is out of the house, I look up phone records, and find out that he is talking to her, some 40 minutes at a time and having lunch together everyday.

We went to counseling yesterday. I let her know I have this info, and she was upset I checked her phone. I told the counselor that she is cheating and my wife says she has not. That she says they might be flirting but she hasn't cheat. She said she connected with him, and have gave her attention that I did not give. I don't believe her, but now that she has moved out, I cannot check her text or email. i do not have passcode.

My question to you all is.... I really want to try and work this out. I feel like I would have find out about if she cheated and to what extent. But there is not way to force that out of her. Also, she moved out on her own, b/c she didn't like the marriage, and she is unwilling to work on the marriage. She never told me we had issues, but kept it in for 3 yrs. Said she was anti confrontational, and that she couldn't fight with me bc she would lose, and I would belittle her. She never gave me a chance to fix it. How do I try to get her to come back, I would like a chance to fix this. Do I do the 180 and hope for the best. Now she says she can't trust me b/c I called an attorney. We will both need to rebuild trust, but she does not want to try at all. She told counselor yesterday that if it wasn't for the kids, she would file for divorce. I just was blind sided by this all of a sudden.

As for the affair, I don't have much more details, but the phone calls. I suppose I can hire a PI. The other guy is her boss, and has been telling her that she could be promoted, and made her feel good. She said we didn't connect like couples do, and that this guy she connected with, so she confided in him, but is now stopping. He is also married with multiple kids.

I'm wondering with the info that I have, should I contact his wife. If that will either ruin my chances of getting back with my wife, or help.

Would love your advice.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 3:22 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

You will both need to rebuild trust? Give me a break. Your cheating wife is trying to manipulate you. She's following cheater script 101. Probably waiting right now for him to leave his wife which he probably isn't going to do. He just wanted in your wife's pants and she was naive enough to let him.

You can't work on the marriage if there are more than two people in it. First thing is to expose the affair and crush it like the filthy little bug it is. Definitely expose this douche to his wife.

Cincy, I can't believe she is cheating. She straight up told me and counselor that she wasn't. That it has not gotten physical, but like you said, i don't really believe her.

Do you think by contacting the other guys spouse, with my info, would be enough. Will it damage my chances of R with my W?

You have nothing to lose by contacting the OM's wife that hasn't already been lost. It's most likely about leaving the marriage with as little fuss as possible, and your WW been really clear with you that she has no intention of working it out. You can also compare dates and times with the OBS to see if the OM was away from home when your WW was, which would be further evidence.

A MM with four children and a job at stake will oftentimes kick his mistress to the curb upon his wife's discovery of the affair. If so, the fantasy bubble gets popped.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:48 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea,

Thank you, I think I will contact her this week. She left me and the kids and moved, so she is now scared that she abandoned them, and that doesn't look good in a court of law.

I would still like to work it out if possible. I know I will have to find out all about the affair and what went down, and will have to deal with that all the while that we do marriage counseling.

I plan on the 180, but do you feel that her saying she would have divorced if not for the kids means she's totally checked out. I would like to have some hope, and her friend told me she said she would try just earlier on Tuesday of this week.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 6:22 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

She abandoned the marital home and children. Make sure that is documented. I know you want to save your M but you may need this later. Don't be a doormat. NOBODY respects a doormat and nobody can love someone they don't respect.

...do you feel that her saying she would have divorced if not for the kids means she's totally checked out. I would like to have some hope, and her friend told me she said she would try just earlier on Tuesday of this week.

They're in la-la-land while they're cheating, and they tend to re-write the marital history as being awful so they can rationalize the adultery.

That said, you might find that while your knee-jerk reaction is to repair the marriage and the family dynamic, you might not want to after all this sinks in. So, give yourself some time to process before making commitments.

She might try to come back home and in most states, there's not much you can legally do to stop her. But if you can discourage it for right now, I think that might be wise. She sounds pretty brazen and might need to hit rock bottom before she's willing to become conciliatory.

ETA: Remember this... you cannot "nice" a wayward home. They won't respect you. So stand firm on what it takes for her to interest YOU in a reconciliation attempt. She'll be pissed when she finds out you spilled the beans to OM's wife. So, be prepared to let her know your give-a-damn is busted on that score.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:12 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by InterimRent at 12:23 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea and Cincy, you are both right. I just need to take my time. I just found this out last week, and she's been out of the house for 1 week, so my emotions are off the wall. I have been to counselor on my own and that helps.

What you're saying about the re-writing of the relationship I believe is also true. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, and we always said we were so lucky. That is why it is so unbelievable to me about the affair, and her just picking up and moving out in a matter of 3weeks after I found out. I need her to hit rock bottom, and maybe the way to do that is to tell the other spouse.

Also, she does not want to move back in. It is brazen, counselor asked her if she would be willing to for the sake of the kids, and just stay in another room and she said no. She didn't want to. I just can't see how she says she cares about the kids and will not be willing to work on the marriage or to move back in. There is no physical harm at the house. I've never lifted a finger, we don't even fight. Thats why I was so surprised.

She tells me she was bored. Her life was extremely easy. No cooking, cleaning was done by someone else, and we got to go whereever we wanted b/c we had so much help from my family.

If she is this opposed to coming back to the house then they're going at it hot and heavy right now. There are so many ways to gather evidence. Many suggested on this site. Start investigating and definitely inform OM's wife. She may be a valuable ally in this investigation.

What do you want? Figure out what that is, and then do it to the most extent that you can.

Are you in la-la land not thinking for sure she cheated? If so, then get a private investigator and get the pictures. They must do it at lunch time, before work, or after work. Now she has her own apartment, that was good for him because he can't have sex with her at his house, the car is kind of public and risky, and hotels are expensive. Now I guess you are financing it. Good for him, he played it just right. Bad for you, sucked into it. Change that around.

Tell other man's wife. Do it today. Why wait? Tell the guy's wife you have these multiple messages outside work and your wife said she is flirting with him and he called her babe and then ask her to look into it and see if she can find anything to confirm or deny. After you call other man's wife, call other man and tell him you're onto him. And call the other man's job and talk to the highest authority available (e.g., owner, president, etc.) and tell them what you think is going on. Then tell your wife you are fighting for her and you did those things and you want her back. If that's what you really want, then why wouldn't you go out and do what you can to get it?

Your story is like just about every other story on here. In what way do you think your story is different?

Given that at the very least your wife has been so deceptive to hide feelings from you for three years and lie to your face about the other man knowing, and if you investigate you will find so much more, then I must ask why are you so gung-ho on saving that marriage?

I suggest to step away from that and make it a wait-and-see approach. If your wife loves you, and you love her, then you will stay. Otherwise, leave. So ending the affair would make sense, so you could at least have the options. But then again, does it not hurt your pride, your self-respect, to have to go begging for her, when you seem to have done nothing wrong, and as soon as you found out, you immediately tried to fix?

There have been other cheating wives who left their kids to have affairs. Some cheating wives take the kids with them to the new digs, others leave the kids alone because the new digs are a little love nest for the new little love birds.

I suspect your wife is upset about the attorney-divorce because she feels she can go have her little "audition" on the other man, see if she can get him to leave his wife, and safely return to you if everything doesn't work out. I think she thinks you as her father, like you will pay for her and take her back if she fails on her own. Do you feel that?

There is a 95% chance she has already slept with him. At the very least she has had an emotional affair with him. Every BS here will tell you that when they found out, they were not told everything. I read so many stories of TT here that it is ridiculous. My wife TT me for a whole year. She also did everything else in the cheaters handbook. Rewrote our marital history to justify her affairs.

He already told her that he loved her and called her babe. BIG RED FLAG they have had sex. Of course she is going to lie. This is how TT starts. They try to minimize everything and only share as little as possible.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to blow it up. Read stuff in the healing library and go 180 immediately. start working on yourself. She is cake eating right now because you wont stand up for yourself.

Your wife and the OM are destroying people in their affair, Find out who his wife is and call her and tell her, she has a right to know. He may be having multiple affairs.

There is so much to say, start gathering as much information as you can and keep it. Start protecting yourself financially. She does not want to come back, if you guys have a joint account, you need to empty it and set up your own account. Take your name off of any joint credit cards, she does not want you, you have to protect yourself.

by going 180 and protecting yourself, you may actually save your marriage.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 12:40 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

wk55hn

I felt that my story was different b/c she up and left in 2 weeks and said she didn't want to get back together. Many of the stories are spouses apologizing and saying that they want to work it out. My wife said she is not in a place to work it out right now b/c she is so detatched from me once our conversation came up.

Also, she moved into to her moms place. I don't think she'll be entertaining the OM there b/c her mom is mostly at home.

I will contact the other spouse tomorrow. Will give me time to think about what to say and make sure her husband is not around. She is cheating with her boss.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 3:41 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

Your situation is pretty much standard cheating, and I've been here a long time. The only difference is that you don't have much evidence.

First, I want to say that there is hope your marriage can be reconciled, in my opinion. However, you may get to the bottom of things and realize you don't want that. It is a long journey and you are at the beginning.

Most people who come here don't know the full extent of the cheating. I'd say 90% of the time the WS (wayward spouse) admits only to what was found by the BS (betrayed spouse). Unfortunately it has usually gone further. WS have been known to swear on the lives of their children even. It is sad and horrible. Most bs would never in a million years believe their WS would lie so convincingly. Most would not even imagine the WS would lie to their friends, parents, clergy or counsellors.

Another very common thing is for the WS to claim that the marriage has been bad, lacking, unhappy (insert your own adjective) for so so long. This is usually a surprise to the bs. As if the two were living in totally different marriages.

So I would suggest you shift your thinking on at least two items. First, your wife HAS NOT been unhappy for 3 years. That is just her way of justifying her behavior. Second, more has likely happened with her OM (other man) than she is admitting to. I'm sorry to say that when a WS does the ILYBINILWY speech, the affair is usually pretty deep.

I think the wife of the OM needs a heads up. She has a new baby and other children and may not know that her marriage is in trouble thanks to your wife. Yes, your wife will be pissed but, really, is she being fair or just with your life? You are being kept in the dark. She is destroying your family and gives some lame ass excuse that she hasn't been happy for three years? Well why hasn't she tried everything under the sun to fix the marriage? Because it isn't true. Because she's doing what we call the Re-Writing of history.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. How you handle things will let her know you mean business and that she needs to step up and get with the program or you will be moving forward without her.

Oh, and usually, as the other poster said, when the wife of OM finds out, OM will drop your wife on her ass so fast her tailbone will spin. Also being that he is her boss that opens up another can of worms that you can use to your advantage.

Do your best not to fall into the trap of letting her tie your hands behind your back with bullshit threats. She (most waywards do it) will tell you you've ruined her trust by calling a lawyer. She will say she was starting to love you again until you called the OMW (or insert whatever action here). This is straight from the cheaters handbook. It is designed to keep you in your place, wondering, hurting, pining and playing the "pick me" dance while she flits around doing whatever the hell she wants.

Keep reading and posting. This site is invaluable as you navigate this crap. Stay strong and don't forget to take care of your own health and mental well being.

You need to expose immediately.

Interim, married men don't say "I love you, babe," to women they share milkshakes with in the company cafeteria. They say that to women they're very much involved with in every conceivable WAY. Just as women don't normally desert their husband and children just for a married man she's innocently only having lunch with during the day.

She can lie to you about it until the cows come home, but that doesn't negate the truth of what's really going on.

I've seen many stories over the years where two married people will 'plot' their getaways, and most of those stories always entailed the WOMAN leaving first, with the married man supposedly leaving at a later date.

And in most of these stories, it usually happened that lover boy didn't end up leaving his wife and family even though he'd promised he would. So the married woman would end up alone having left her husband, and she'd be crying the blues that her 'happily ever after' had been blown to smithereens. I've seen that story quite a few times.

Whether that's the plot for these two or not is anyone's guess.

She left me and the kids and moved, so she is now scared that she abandoned them.

You seriously need to ask yourself WHAT kind of supposed mother deserts her own children? Who DOES that?

I'd go for sole custody if I were you. She's incapable of acting with any decency at all towards her own flesh and blood and she DID abandon them. Game over. I wouldn't trust her now with a damned goldfish, much less your children.

Don't waste your money on a PI. She's a cheater whose playing around with her boss and dug a crawlspace UNDER her lowest point in life by deserting her family.

Look, I completely understand your desire to want your family back together. I do. But CincyKid is right - DON'T be a doormat. You've been doing what we call the "Pick me!" dance for weeks now, desperately trying to get her back and she's done nothing but disrespect you and barely conceal her disdain for you. Stop being a doormat - there's NO dignity and NO pride in doing that at all. It's degrading.

And you definitely need to contact lover boy's wife and tell her what's going on. Just like YOU, she's also a victim of this train wreck. Except, he's at home playing the happy husband and father and fooling her into a false sense of reality (much like your wife was doing to you right up to the day she suddenly moved out with NO warning). This poor woman just had another child with this guy and here HE is making a complete mockery of their marriage and professing his love to your wife.

Call her and tell her ASAP. It's the right - and compassionate - thing to do, regardless of whether you want your wife to come back or not. Your reasons for telling his wife DON'T matter, she deserves to know the truth.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 1:06 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

What is happening is that WW is cheating. She can deny to all counselors, her parents and God, but she received a text from her boss that said he loved her and was there for her! At very least it was an EA, and if she has moved out, it is a PA by now.

Please, please, please contact OM's wife. The mother of 4 including an infant has every right and need to know what her WH is up to with his employee. She needs to see a lawyer and protect herself and her young ones.

Does that make sense.

Not really, given your initial assertion that you want your wife and love her greatly. If that is the case, then you go all out. Like the last game in the World Series. There is no more game, you go all out. You don't save your best pitcher for the next game.

What you are doing is hedging your bets. Not all in. That is fine, maybe even smarter than being all in on a wife like yours who don't want you.

I really want to try and work this out.

So you can't really have it both ways. You really want her, or not. Otherwise, maybe it is more accurate to say I really want her but not enough to risk more money in a divorce.

I would still like to work it out if possible.

It is possible.

What is your goal?

There are plenty of cheating wives who say the exact same stuff yours did. Not similar. Exact. Some come back, some don't. Listen, her boyfriend is married. She could have left you for any reason or no reason at all. She could have left you three years ago, or two years ago, or one year ago. Do you think it is coincidence that she started leaving the house a few months ago (affair started a month or two before that) and then the changing passwords and lying and now she hasn't been happy for three years but not only didn't tell you about it, but she actually faked her behavior, and coincidentally her boss is calling her babe and "flirting" with her?

I have read a lot here. Unfortunately. And I know guys I worked with doing the same job for 10 years who are brilliant, and some who are idiots after 10 years. So take it however you take it. But cheating is a science. It is a human behavior. It is no different than rebellion in teenagers or temper tantrums in two-year-olds. It is not an exact cause-and-effect, but if you see it long enough, you see some very specific actions that you can extrapolate.

A lot of cheating wives who leave their husbands and TRULY are done with the marriage, they tell their husbands to go find a woman, go divorce, or they divorce themselves. That's because they want to alleviate their guilt and want their husband to be on the same moral ground of cheating. And we're all good, neither of us really wanted this marriage, and we both are done and had other partners.

That is not what your wife is doing. She is wanting you to stay in the background, and wait for the soft fall when the new guy fails. Even she must realize the guy is a long-shot, with a wife and three kids and a job with her. I assume he has told her that he plans to leave his wife, who never has sex with him and is miserable and they live like roommates and co-parents. I could be wrong, but married husband bosses don't have frequent 40-minute phone calls and things like "babe I'll be here for you" when she is leaving her husband.

The only thing that you said that maybe thought your wife was further off the reservation than most was it seemed you implied that she actually said she "wants a fantasy love." In reality, there is no such thing as a fantasy love. Hence, the word fantasy.

So I am guessing she wants a real-life fantasy - again, this does not exist. Some people must change the babies' diapers, check over the homework, take out the garbage, pay the bills, fix the repaired cars, clean the house, etc. Do you thing your wife is doing any of that with her boss? All they do is say I love you and you are so hot I want to sex you up. That is all. I call that the "affair bubble." No reality can penetrate the bubble. That is the love that she wants. Fantasy.

Maybe you can clarify on that, because who in the world can compete with that. If that can really be a thing in real life, then sign me up for it. I always have had a nagging doubt that it's better to be the other man, just the I love you's and sex, and let some other dude handle all her physical and mental baggage. Can an adult believe that a true love can last that way beyond high school? Apparently, millions of adult cheaters lack that obvious fact. Ask your wife, does she know, or have ever known, anyway who had a fantasy love who were married for more than 3 years or had a kid? If one exists, I'd like to see it. Other than on TV or the movies.

So I think your wife will come back. If you want her (she doesn't look something I'd like to have, but our own spouses are like our used cars and our clothes, they have value to us but no one else wants them (OM only wants to rent her)), I'm pretty sure she will come back no matter what you do. The quicker the affair blows up, or the quicker the two love birds get together in reality, living with finances not supported by you and chores and babysitting not done by you, then the sooner she comes back and saying "oh I can't believe what I did." But there is no guarantee.

The people who are decisive and strong seem to fare better. The ones who wait and see and hope don't fare as well. Frequently people wait and see and hope for a while and then finally when they can't take it anymore, they do stuff, and then stuff starts to resolve, one way or the other.

So your wife wanted to leave, she does not love you, she flirts with her boss, but she also doesn't want you to divorce. So what does your wife say you should do? Should you not divorce and just wait? For what? In the meantime, should you start flirting with other women? Maybe a subordinate of yours at your job? What is her dreams, her goals, for her life? She has abandoned you and your children. Does she plan to one day have her children with her full time and you be a part-time dad? Or would you have the kids part-time and her be the part-time mom? What is her fantasy vision of this whole thing? And if her fantasy vision is completely off the rocker, why should you be placating and going along with that?

Also, she moved out on her own, b/c she didn't like the marriage, and she is unwilling to work on the marriage.

The first thing doesn't logically follow the second. She wants out of the marriage, so she has to leave. Why? Can't she divorce you while you and her both stay in the house and both of you can be with the kids and help them transition to divorce?

Also, then why would she be upset that you contacted an attorney? According to her, what should you be doing? Pining?

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did.

Blow this up. Expose to the other person's wife. Do not be surprised that your wife and he have gotten their stories straight. You have already indicated to her your knowledge of the phone records and texts so I can promise you they have already begun working on the story. When you do contact her be specific on what you do know.

Do you know if her grandparents where home the week of Spring Break? Is this a second home or vacation home?

If he is her boss, there is a strong chance that both could lose their jobs. Not your problem.

Your only decision right now is to get out of infidelity. Reconcile or divorce is not your goal. One of the two will happen.

In the event she decides she wants to move back home, use every possible way to tell her no until you have had full disclosure on everything. Consider exposing to her mother or at least allude to it.

Read the 180. Find your strength in this.

[This message edited by HeavyE at 7:23 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]