SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has initiated no contact with the other man. She did talk to her boss and he would like to find a replacement first. My wife has hired a lawyer to see if she can get out of the contract anytime soon which I guess is somewhat positive. About avoiding him, the affair started with mutual breaks and work outings. She said it's rational for them to not even work with each other at all, they do two different things and she often has to visit patients homes.

She mentions not wanting to be responsible for someone else losing their job with todays economy. I told her to just tell the boss about the affair or I will do it myself. She thinks I'm just trying to do that as revenge.

So here we are still in the infidelity. Won't sign any divorce papers and can't quit her job and doesn't want to be responsible for her boyfriend losing his job, although she has hired a lawyer for any loopholes in the contract. She is an important member there. Other man is just a filler employee basically, he could be replaced.

I was thinking about going there myself and talking to her boss. Although I don't know what I would do if I saw the OM in person, I am not violent at all but he might set me over the edge.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 12:34 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

Your wife and OM are both grownups. If the kind of fraternization they engaged in is a fireable offense then they both personally bear responsibility for being foolish enough to put themselves in that situation.

If she is still there and protecting his job then all you can assume is that they're both still hanging out at work (and perhaps more)

Did you wife's boss give any timeline on finding a replacement? If not, this needs to be pushed, otherwise it'll moved down the priority list?

Also, are you going to be involved in the discussion with the employment attorney? If not, demand you attend the meeting, or join in over speakerphone on the phone call.

Admittedly, setting the appointment with the attorney is something positive, yet not all that great. Is your wife an "all options" type of person? Does she have to turn over every rock before making a decision? If so, talking with her boss and setting the attorney appointment up may be viewed as a positive move. Unfortunately, it's not as far along as you'd like to be.

As far as talking to the boss... depends on when your anger and don't give a f..k kicks in. I'm not for revenge, and would only suggest you do it to stop the affair, or do it if it picks back up again. On the hand, it is nice to have that chip in your pcket. So use it wisely.

Won't sign any divorce papers and can't quit her job and doesn't want to be responsible for her boyfriend losing his job ...

If you live anywhere in the U.S., you don't need her signature for file for D.

I hope you realize that she is playing you. You keep putting it on her to do something about her cheating and she keeps giving you excuses as to why she can't.

It's time you took back control of your life.

Feel sorry for you. Please call the police next time she is violent and that way you can have a record for your eventual freedom i.e. divorce. Also you are risking losing the respect of your kids by behaving like this

[This message edited by goalong at 5:22 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

As posted above, she really has no say if you want to be divorced.

She can only slightly prolong the process, but really cannot stop it if you want it to move forward.

Make sure she understands this, otherwise she will do everything she can to stall and control you.

This is about control at this point, do not let her dictate your life at all anymore.

You make all the decisions that affect your life from here forward, she only has the choice to come along under your conditions or don't at all...do not give her any say, do not bargain or negotiate anything...you call all the shots!

I would just call her boss on the phone and expose the affair.

Your marriage is pretty much in the shitter. I don't think it can get any worse.

You have to take your own account of your marriage. I see it un-doable based on her continued protection of her boyfriend. You caught her and she ran to him for a week or two of the sexual circus, that alone might make it un-saveable - not the sex in itself, but the openness of sticking it in your face on how she did it. It is a HUGE difference when they sneak behind your back than it is to thumb it straight into your face. The defiance is a big FU in your face. The sneaking is like a big FU when you turn your back around. I think that's a huge difference in attitude.

Now she still is protecting other man.

So, the status is, she says she has gone no contact and she says she has talked with the boss about getting out of the contract. Meanwhile, she has NOT told the boss about the affair because she wants to protect the other man, she has weighed the detriment to other man if she tells boss about the affair vs. the detriment to you of not telling the boss the affair, and she has chosen for other man. So, basically, just lip service so far, nothing you can prove that she says, you are in the unfortunate circumstance of being asked to trust one who has proven untrustworthy.

She selfishly refuses to sign the divorce papers, which is really meaningless in the end, you can divorce her anyway. But I get it, she is not helping you.

I am guessing, no STD tests taken, no even appointments.

A few sad sorry's to you. Only when you blow up.

She still is blaming you or the the marriage for this happening, not herself.

It still stands with her attitude to about your kids' being upset, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Not sorry of the cheating itself.

She is damaging the marriage day by day. There will come a time when she will not be able to repair it, your respect won't be able to allow it.

The total lack of remorse is amazing. The way she totally dissed you by having a week long sexcation AFTER Dday, to only come back like nothing is so troubling.

She then tells you they were using protection? WWs "in love" don't use protection. If anything they thirst more for the real thing. Like the 1000s of other WWs that we read about here and other places, it is very likely that she offered up everything on the menu.

She came home and was still haughty. Took her being served and exposed to get her to take it down a notch but even that is short lived. If you don't rug sweep this, she's going to have a temper tantrum, banging on doors like the freaking swat team.

Do you really want to salvage this? Basically taking this POS' left overs. She is not the wife you once knew, loved, and raised kids with.

From what you've revealed, she's been attention seeking for a while. Don't put it past her, that this is not her first affair. Nursing is one of the fields that has a high infidelity rate.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 4:39 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

Completely agree. Lack of remorse is staggering. Yep from what I have been reading seems like wayward wives are especially sexually adventorous. As for the STD test she got tested a few days ago, a week the results will get back. Originally I believed her about the protection. I have all her chats from her phone now this was a condition of mine. Reading a message from her to him saying "I'm going to suck you dry" "I can still taste you" right before her litttle sex week. Why am I still here? So fucking gross.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 5:01 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

There is a process for divorce if the spouse refuses to sign.

Yankee - Don’t ever threaten your wife… Either act or do nothing, but don’t tell her what you are going to do UNLESS you are going to do it. Better still – just do it. Like the boss… Either call him or skip it, don’t ask your wife or threaten to do it.

So, she tells you she’s in NC at work…

How nice of her. But how can she assure you? Really isn’t any way she can is there?

Yankee – your wife isn’t better or worse than other WW we have read about here on SI. As a rule a WS will try to minimize and try to hang on to doing as little as possible. In an ideal world for your WW she would want the affair to be over, keep her job, OM keep his job, they would be “friends” but only that and she would probably keep it at that. And she still had you.

Only that’s not going to work for you.

So follow my earlier advice, keep on walking out of infidelity.

She tells you she’s in NC with OM: “That’s nice to hear. But you are still in infidelity and I don’t have the assurance I need so I’m moving on”.

Yankees99:

Look at Bigger's stats. He has been here 12 years, 6700 posts. He knows of what he speaks.

yankee,

If you are going to R, only way you can be certain that nothing will happen in future is if her heightened sex need goes away. She has been preparing to act like this for two years. hope there was none before this posom

[This message edited by goalong at 6:26 PM, March 19th (Sunday)]

Yankee hears the advice of bigger this in the correct thing .. much strength and hugs for you

Reading a message from her to him saying "I'm going to suck you dry" "I can still taste you" right before her litttle sex week. Why am I still here? So fucking gross.

WHY AM I STILL HERE? My thinking exactly! I can't imagine recovering from statements and actions like that.

Story time for y'all.

Wayward wife's family is hosting a family dinner tonight at inlaws house. They're very family orientated and aware of our marriage issues but still want me to come. I refused. For the simple fact that our marriage probably will not last. Wife gets hysterical telling me to stop talking like that.

Told her I've done enough talking, laid out my boundaries and said matter of fact stay with them tonight! So she sat on the porch crying her eyes out waiting for her sister to pick her up because she's too "distraught to drive"

Good job! She needed a wake up call!

Wayward wife's family is hosting a family dinner tonight at inlaws house. They're very family orientated and aware of our marriage issues but still want me to come. I refused. For the simple fact that our marriage probably will not last. Wife gets hysterical telling me to stop talking like that.

Told her I've done enough talking, laid out my boundaries and said matter of fact stay with them tonight! So she sat on the porch crying her eyes out waiting for her sister to pick her up because she's too "distraught to drive"

She and her family oriented family are trying to play you for the fool. She is unremorseful, and her family is...well...her family! Of course they are going to side with and protect her. Continue forward with divorce and get yourself out of infidelity. You deserve better than this.

Her brother who I'm friends with, texted me telling me they miss me and he doesn't blame me for not coming. Informed me that she's getting chewed out by the inlaws and my father in law is so disappointed in here.

Going to lock my bedroom door tonight, not trying to deal with it. She deserves it.

Yankee

I don’t see how her family’s reaction can be seen as manipulative or trying to play you for a fool.

And Yankee – locking the bedroom door… what next? Holding your breath until she quits her job? Not eating your greens? Refusing to do the dishes?

Fight the fantasy of infidelity with reality – not more fantasy. Locking the bedroom door is like a kid threatening to run away from home. Technically you can’t kick her out of the bedroom but you can ask her to leave you alone, not cuddle, stay on her side of the bed or whatever.

In fact – as a part of the momentum of getting out of infidelity – the logical and sensible thing to do would be to sit down and tell her that separate sleeping arrangements is a logical step towards ending the marriage and that ending the marriage is a logical step for you since she willingly chooses to remain in infidelity.

Go back to what I have suggested. I am NOT encouraging you to divorce!!! Be very clear on that. IMHO a marriage can only go one of two ways to get out of infidelity: divorce or reconciliation. To reconcile you need several things to be in order and while she can’t assure you the affair is over, NC established and so on… divorce is the only real option you have. By keeping the momentum out of infidelity, you might create the conditions where SHE realizes she better jump on board.