SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bit late to this circus…

I wouldn’t worry too much about abandonment or custody. Kids are at college so as long as both parents are deemed mentally and financially capable then the kids will choose whom they want to (legally) reside with until they reach 18.

Abandonment is usually a lot more than the simple physical absence from the home. If you neglect bills, utilities, kids… you can be charged with abandonment. Leaving the home as the first steps of a likely divorce… not so much.

Its more an issue that if you leave the marital home for an extended period you are not (necessarily) free to reenter it at will. For example: IF this goes to divorce and 8 months from now you want to move back in then she would be in a better position to have a judge decide she has residence. But it’s all theoretical and “what ifs” right now.

All in all, you are doing good Yankee. But I do agree that you are doing a lot more reacting than acting….

Your wife doesn’t really realize the scope of the damage she has done and is minimizing her accountability and the damage.

The way I see it then dealing with infidelity is a lot like dealing with your house being on fire. If your house was on fire you wouldn’t be negotiating with the flames, you wouldn’t be content with killing the flames in one room and then wait to see if they restart in another. You wouldn’t have concerns calling the Fire Department because of the shame of your neighbors knowing the house is on fire. You wouldn’t limit their actions because you fear their boots will dirty the carpets. You wouldn’t insist on remaining in the house as it burns…

Your marriage is that house… Waiting for her to tell the boss, to change jobs, to go to STD tests and all that… it’s asking the flames to only burn the kitchen or waiting for them to burn out hoping they don’t reach the bedroom.

Going to MC, trying to start reconciliation… all that… that’s like redecorating the foyer while the living-room still smolders.

Just like you won’t evaluate your house until you are assured the flames are out you shouldn’t evaluate your future in this marriage until you are totally 100% certain the affair is over. That can only be done by her accountable and verifiable actions.

So, don’t tell her she needs to quit her job and then wait for action. Don’t tell her she needs to tell her boss and then wait for action.

All you need to do is tell her YOU are moving out of infidelity. She is free to choose to remain in infidelity, but if she wants to come with you she needs to assure you the affair is over. She needs to show you that NC is in place. She needs to tell you all YOU need to know – not what she wants to tell.

When she asks you what assurances you need then it’s things like telling the boss, quitting the job, opening her social-media, working on IC, doing MC… the works.

Regarding the assurances: IF she’s willing to do the work then you should consider guiding her. Like it might be an idea that you phone her boss and explain that if your wife wants a shot at her marriage she needs to quit and that you think you might have a case for sexual harassment if Mr. Boss is reluctant to comply (plus it will let you know if she’s being honest…).

But… if she’s wallowing around and – at best – taking semi-action YOU keep your momentum and move out of infidelity.

Sorry wrong thread...

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:22 AM, March 15th (Wednesday)]

Yankee, you need to read Bigger's comment above three times over and let it sink in because this one pretty much nails it.

There can't be any talk about R when the only one working towards it is you. Her words may say that she wants R but her actions very clearly say otherwise.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 1:40 PM, March 15th (Wednesday)]

(Text from her telling me that she went to her boss about leaving but now has to get a lawyer because it might not be that easy. They need to find a replacement for her)

Yankees99, I would take this with a pinch of salt as to her being fully truthful.

I believe you said before she is high up in her job, more so than this OM, she is well respected and thought off, and they would not want to lose her, so why did she say the above, surely her bosses would rather keep her and get rid of him, did she tell them the truth, about her/their affair as to it being the reason why? Isn’t this what employers do when employees have affairs within their workplace, don’ they frown/look down upon this kind of behaviour, and do something about it.

I would like bigger said ring up her boss and explain just in case she was not fully honest, it’s worth a try at least, ask them who they would rather be without, as she probably would remain with them if he was out of the picture as she loves her job, that for them to give her and your marriage a chance to R, one of them has to go/leave or one of them has to be moved to another workplace if they can, somewhere else with there being no more need ever for them to be in contact with each other regarding work issues, a NC issue being made/enforced from their side leaving them in no doubt, they may be willing to do this for you both, as for the NC in relationship to your marriage this is up to you to enforce in no uncertain terms, as well as wanting all the rest of the full disclosure, or all deals are off, that you intend to still start divorce procedures, but are willing to withdraw them or put them on hold if she shows her willingness by her actions to R, there will be no negotiations on this, she is either in or out, but you are not going to wait long for her taking her time to decide.

Even if her employers can’t or won’t help you, you still need to start divorce procedures to get out of this.

Regards BJE49

In my opinion she needs to leave the job. She's lying about contacting the boss about it, that much is as clear as if it was in 90000 point font.

At this point there is a very real chance that divorce could occur, and y99 needs her to have this job so that she could support herself. I am NOT pushing for that outcome, but y99 does need to face reality

The folks that say she needs a job or you might have to pay higher alimony may be wrong. Judges in my state are not sympathetic if you quit or get fired from a job. The assumption is that had better get an equivalent job. Also, no poster has ever given an example where a judge gave more alimony to a deabeat parent.

Gotta agree with Chappue on this one, Y99. Many times spousal support will be imputed based on wages over the last two or so years. Check with your attorney to confirm this in your state.

Also, check with your attorney about the employment contract. The company might sue for breach, specific performance, and restitution, but that is going to cost a lot of money. So, unless her company has an in-house legal department that deals with issues like this regularly, I'd suspect you can make some kind of deal with them. She could for example take the time to find and train her replacement over the next 90 days. With all that said, I really suspect that if she up and quit they'd do little about it, and your WW is just dragging her feet. She's too scared to face the consequences for what she has done, and doesn't want to be fired for sexual harassment, and wishes it magically gets swept under the carpet.

How are your children doing today?

So she says that if it came down to her or him then they would definitely let him go. She told me she doesn't want to tell the boss the real reason because it could risk her career and get him fired. Again I feel as if she is putting him first. Told her I won't tolerate it. Frankly I don't care if he gets fired. I gave her one more talk. Saying I'm moving on with or without her. She said she will do what she needs to do.

I could not help myself, I messed up and freaked out and said how could you hurt me like this, do I not mean a thing to you? Was screwing your boyfriend worth more than our family and life together?

She said he's not worth it and she's sorry. She will give in to my demands. As of now she needs to give her a boss a final word if she plans on leaving or exposing the affair and cutting contact between them. She said in theory she could avoid him at work. I now have to decide.

She said in theory she could avoid him at work. I now have to decide.

I'm sorry, what do you have to decide? She already knows what you need, so she's going to make you make her decision for her? So, when/if you end up in D anyway then she can say she gave up her job or got someone fired and you still got D? She's getting her blame-shifting excuse all ready to go in advance.

Sorry, but this just torques me on your behalf.

"in theory she could avoid him at work"

She's already trying to lower expectations so that she can save her boyfriend's job

yankees99, this is where you need to step up and go on the offensive...take it upon yourself to inform their HR of the relationship and have your lawyer send them formal notice too.

Then sit back and watch the rats scatter...they would likely both be dismissed.

You need to stop being passive, you do have power to bring consequences into her life...do so already!

Y99,

This is not your decision to make. Do not, and I repeat, do not make it for her. She has to suffer through the pain of her shitty decision to have an affair, as well as the pain of the shittier decision to have a workplace affair with a subordinate. Yes, she could be censured, demoted, or fired. But that is the consequence of her shitty decision, and in no way is your responsibility to take on.

Calmly, yet stoically, tell her something along the following:

"WW, this is not a negotiation. I know what the right decision is. You know what the right decision is. Yet, you want me to make this decision for you. I will not do this. This is not my decision to make.

You're an adult. You made an adult decision to have an affair with a coworker. Now it's time for you to make another adult decision about your future. Decide what you want, and don't look to me for an answer.

You may think that you are trying to involve me in the process so that the decision is best for both of us. Remember, there is no us. You destroyed us with your affair. There may be an us in the future, but only if you start taking the corrective action, and I reiterate the word action, to demonstrate you are a safe partner.

In any event, I'm still moving out of infidelity. That means that for the time being the divorce is still moving forward."

In theory? Like a conspiracy theory?

In theory, she didn't have to live with him?

Does she expect you to trust that she will "avoid" him? Does "avoid" means she will not see or talk with him, or she will "try her best?"

So she says that if it came down to her or him then they would definitely let him go. She told me she doesn't want to tell the boss the real reason because it could risk her career and get him fired. Again I feel as if she is putting him first. Told her I won't tolerate it. Frankly I don't care if he gets fired. I gave her one more talk. Saying I'm moving on with or without her. She said she will do what she needs to do.

I could not help myself, I messed up and freaked out and said how could you hurt me like this, do I not mean a thing to you? Was screwing your boyfriend worth more than our family and life together?

She said he's not worth it and she's sorry. She will give in to my demands. As of now she needs to give her a boss a final word if she plans on leaving or exposing the affair and cutting contact between them. She said in theory she could avoid him at work. I now have to decide.

If she ends up getting fired and if you end up filing for D, will her job loss impact you negatively in the D financial settlement?

Unless your willing to put all your eggs in the R basket, that may be something you want to think about.

If she quits or gets fired likely won't make much difference in a D, as work history and earning potential are used to figure support etc most times.

YMMV, so ask your lawyer.

I can't believe your wife left you at home in emotional turmoil whist having sex with her new man and can't understand how she has ended your marriage! You have the support of your children listen to them and your heart- you deserve better

Yankees99, Drumstick's post sounds about the right reply you need to say with one addition, make sure her employers knows the real reason for her request, like I posted it's worth a try, you should call them to make sure they know the real reason, tell her you are going to do this, that you don't at this stage trust her to do it, even if she says she will because she won’t, also tell her that's as far as you are willing to go, again at the moment in helping to repair the marriage, the rest is up to her, that she has to face up to the consequences of the actions her affair has caused.

Don't give a thought about OM losing his job, or your wife possibly also losing hers, it's a small price to pay if it means there is a chance to R, but still stay in divorce mode to help maintain the upper hand for the want of a better word and keep your strength up, don't give in to her one inch.

Regards BJE49

She told me she doesn't want to tell the boss the real reason because it could risk her career and get him fired. Again I feel as if she is putting him first.

She is putting him first.

Drumstick's suggested response is on the mark for your situation. You are taking a direct action by making it clear that you are not going to clean up her mess....but you sure as hell are going to be monitoring it. You are allowing her the space for her to prove that her actions resonate with her words.

As for the risk of job loss? If you are even going to attempt R in the future, then that alone is a big risk. And the two of them working together is an automatic failure before the initial steps of reconciliation begin. It is simply the rotten situation that she has put the two of you into. You will just have to deal with it if you are trying to reconcile.

Yankee

There is only one decision you need to make:

Do you want to remain in infidelity or not?

If the answer is yes, well… good luck friend.

If no… Then you simply tell her that while they work together there is contact. While there is contact, there is infidelity. She is totally 100% free to do whatever SHE wants to but YOU are getting out of infidelity.

And then you keep the momentum. You take the steps necessary for YOU to move out of infidelity.

SHE can decide to present a plan on how you can monitor that there is no contact at work.

SHE can decide to tell boss the truth and get OM fired.

SHE can decide to tell boss she needs to quit.

SHE can decide that quitting will take 90 days.

Doesn’t matter…

Until and unless she reaches a place where YOU look at what she is offering and say “Yes, that might work. You can walk beside me out of infidelity” then she can offer whatever she wants… but YOU will be moving on.

I have often (some might say too often…) used this comparison:

Imagine you needed to take a life-important train journey. The necessity is unquestionable. Not going is not an option. You tell your wife and ask she comes along. She refuses. You pack two bags – one for you and one for her. She still refuses to come. You ask her to drive you to the station, she refuses to take her bag so you go two trips to the car. At the station, she parks and follows you in. You ask her to take the journey with you. She refuses. You explain the importance. She refuses. You go buy two tickets. She refuses. You go to the platform and again she refuses to board the train. You go on board and offer her your hand to help her on board. She refuses…

As the train pulls out you call that she can still jump on board… She refuses.

Train gathers speed, you settle in… Soon it’s too late for her to change her mind.

That’s where you are right now… You NEED to make that journey out of infidelity. You can guide her, help her, ask her… but SHE needs to get on board. Right now, she’s arguing about what you are packing…

yankee 24,

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