SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you feel that way

Nuff said.

At this point, your discussions only needto revolve around settling the finances. She has no remorse, only regret.

Yankees99, how many times have I read on SI about a BS receiving trickle truths from their WS, the answer is a hell of a lot, far too many to count I'm afraid, and now you are letting yourself become yet another one of them (chalk up another WS getting their cake and eating it, allowed by a weak BS her husband), please try to understand what type of person they are, they the trickle truther’s are all alike they don’t vary in what they try to do, your wife like all the others, will only let on/admit to you as much as she thinks she needs too, to keep you at bay, to hide as much of the full truth from you as she can, hoping in doing so in time, she will be able to rug sweep the rest of it without you ever getting to know it all, by you eventually giving up trying to get the full truth, so until that time, and you giving up putting pressure her for more information ,which you quite frankly you are entitled to know it all, that’s what part of her showing remorse is, not so she can and will continue to trickle out her truths to save as much as her ass as she can.

So I have to ask, Are you prepared to keep on putting up with this cat and mouse game she is playing with you, are you going to let her get away with it? Are you sure the affair is over, I wouldn’t be so sure it is and accept her word so easily.

I know that long before now for me I would have given her the dressing down she deserves, starting with I want the full truth which includes full exposure about him right now or this fiasco of a marriage that we now have, and was brought on by you alone ends now, I am not prepared to allow you to fuck with my mind and my person anymore, the pain and devastation including to our daughters that you alone again are causing, and you don’t seem to acknowledge/ understand what I and they are feeling right now and you are still doing it to us, especially to me, and it’s more than any sane person can bear, you are not showing to me any signs of remorse whatsoever even though you think/say you are remorseful and want to work on saving the marriage, to me these are words only, without any intensions or actions being shown to me you intend R, just words and nothing more.

And finally I would add to her. As of now all I can see is a unrepentant wife with no morals at all, leaving me, as divorcing you being the only option left for me, in fact and I’m being totally honest with you here, I really don’t see any future for us as a husband and wife, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I and the girls would be better off without you, so we can (the girls and me) by me divorcing you, we can move on and finally be happy once again.

Yankees 99 you seem to be still trying and looking for any excuses/reasons to defend her for her actions from what I have read into your posts, and until you come to your senses and see her for what she really is, there is never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel for you, and a way forward out of infidelity.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 11:18 AM, March 14th (Tuesday)]

It's hard to tell how long this has been going on. It's so bad and intense all of a sudden it's like that have been waiting on something.

You need to get in-touch with his ex and see why they really divorced. The one thing you can be positive about is that the reason they divorced is probably not what your wife told you.

More physical as in more than PIV I assume. She didn't go out and say it, but made inferences. So yeah. I laid out my boundaries No contact, must leave the job. Go to therapy and show that she wants our marriage plus full access to her stuff. Told me their relationship is now strictly professional. I told her that she just doesn't understand and maybe she should leave.

She then got angry, threw things told me I ignored her needs and she forgot how it felt like to be adored and cherished. Told me she broke his heart just so she can give us another chance. Told her to get out, she's a whore and to just grant me the divorce. Screamed in my face, ears are still ringing. I told her she's not the woman I married and maybe we should go our seperafe ways. She said the affair is over, she broke his heart for me.

Honestly thought she was going to hit me, Our kids heard and told their mom to leave. She said it's none of their business. My kids are going to stay with their grandparents because they said Mom is off the rails.

Tough morning, it hurts me that she feels that she needs to be this hostile towards me. She said today she is going to her boss and is going to ask to be out of the contract. Maybe I should just throw her stuff outside. Hurtful things were said ok both sides. Atleast I have remained loving and faithful.

Wow that has to hurt. She had to rub it in your face twice that she broke the other mans heart. Its gotta be painful hearing how she is more focused on his heartache over yours. I am sorry to say this but it sounds like your marriage is over with. I think I would just tell her your done and she just needs to only talk to you about the divorce. I would not tell her what she needs to do to make this right. She is the one that found her own way into an affair if she wants to fight for the marriage then she is on her own but in the meantime you will be fighting for a divorce from her.

I would not let her think for one second she could walk on you again. If she talked about anything other than the divorce I would walk away and ignore her. I would show her the respect she has show you.

Clearly there is none.

He knowingly involved himself with a married woman, yet she expects you to feel bad for him..because he got his heart broken?

What about your heart?

The next time she gets violent..And yes..throwing things is violence..call the police.

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned yet..but you need to get a VAR, and keep it on you at all times. She will need to make you the bad guy here, and wayward wives are notorious for calling the cops, and saying their bh has been violent with them, resulting in the bh being arrested for DV.

Don't feel bad that your kids are upset with their mother. Your ww betrayed them,just as much as she betrayed you. Imagine how you would feel if someone told you not to be mad at your ww. Exactly.

I have to admit I'm still confused but in any event as I mentioned before, quitting her job is only going to result in higher spousal support for you to pay should you decide that D is the only option (I personally don't see how it couldn't be), so I caution you on that.

As far as NC goes, that should only apply if the plan is to R otherwise what does it matter if she is seeing him. He will use her up and spit her out then move on to the next conquest, not really your problem anymore.

Now for the most painful part. You need to let your kids know that while you respect their wishes and whatever they choose to make their relationship with their mother look like, it is important for them to understand that if they want to have a healthy normal relationship with their mother, you will respect that and you will not take it as a betrayal to you.

It's important right now to get them out of the middle of this and I can't think of a worse situation to be in than having to choose between your parents. They need to know that if they choose to still have a relationship with their mother that it won't affect the love that you have for them. The breakdown of the marriage and what your wife has done is between you and her and those kids shouldn't lose their mother over it.

They may well choose to lose that relationship and that is fine but it should be the result of their choice and not because they felt they had to do it to stay loyal to one parent or another.

Oh and by the way?????

She broke his heart for you!!! Seriously, She broke your heart with him.

R is a gift that a BS gives to a WS if and when they choose to do so.

She is acting like she is doing you some kind of favor by allowing you to stay with her like you owe her some huge show of gratitude for moving in with another man for a week.

If you R will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror a year from now?

she broke his heart for me.

Well aren't you the lucky victor!

Your wife is clearly capable of calling the police and making up stories. You have your kids as witness' but involving them this way is the last thing you want.

Please make sure that from now on all conversations with her are recorded. You need to protect yourself.

She does not see the same reality as you, and she does not see herself as the bad one. This is what is meant by the fog.

PLEASE get a recording of the way she is treating you. If you are not sure how, ask here. You can even sometimes use your phone.

My advise is always to get MAD as hell at yourself for accepting this, then treat her as nice as you can as you detach completely from her.

More physical as in more than PIV I assume. She didn't go out and say it, but made inferences. So yeah. I laid out my boundaries No contact, must leave the job. Go to therapy and show that she wants our marriage plus full access to her stuff. Told me their relationship is now strictly professional. I told her that she just doesn't understand and maybe she should leave.

She then got angry, threw things told me I ignored her needs and she forgot how it felt like to be adored and cherished. Told me she broke his heart just so she can give us another chance. Told her to get out, she's a whore and to just grant me the divorce. Screamed in my face, ears are still ringing. I told her she's not the woman I married and maybe we should go our seperafe ways. She said the affair is over, she broke his heart for me.

Honestly thought she was going to hit me, Our kids heard and told their mom to leave. She said it's none of their business. My kids are going to stay with their grandparents because they said Mom is off the rails.

Tough morning, it hurts me that she feels that she needs to be this hostile towards me. She said today she is going to her boss and is going to ask to be out of the contract. Maybe I should just throw her stuff outside. Hurtful things were said ok both sides. Atleast I have remained loving and faithful.

So, after all this, what do you plan to do?

I have thought about just packing up and leaving but my lawyer told me that could cause some issues. Yes I purchased a var, unfortunately I was not recording when she started yelling at me. Far too emotional.

My wife has a strong willed personality. She is physically strong although I am larger than her I did feel threatened. Never got up in my face like that before.

I gave her my boundaries, I am not waiting forever and the logical thing for me to do is just to move forward with the divorce. She just feels gone and lost. The woman who just took family and faithfulness seriously doesn't seem to value that stuff anymore.

I am moving forward with divorce until she enforces the boundaries. For the last two years there has been change in her attitude implants, botox, and other things. My wife is relatively attractive so I never saw the needs for these things. Guess it wasn't for my attention, although she made it seem like it. She is far too worried about how her other guy feels.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 5:54 PM, March 14th (Tuesday)]

You may want to edit that name out, Yankee.

As for your wife, proceed with divorce unless she makes an extremely compelling argument for you to reconsider.

Sorry, brother.

It sounds like she's at the tipping point, realizing how she screwed up.

Has she given you full access to her electronics and accounts?

Has she begun to provide a timeline at all?

Do you know much about this guy? Is he married, or have a SO?

If they work together, informing their HR of the relationship could possibly get them both dismissed, solving one part of the problem...I would do it without hesitation.

You can still see the OM's name in your last post, Y99.

You said

I am moving forward with divorce until she enforces the boundaries.

I'm not sure what you meant with this. Does this for example mean that if 3 months from now she quits her job etc., you'll give her another chance?

Please be careful of her making up phony DV charges against you, take precautions.

Best wishes

When confronted with life altering challenges, just like in wild, we have to choose between flight and fight.

I have thought about just packing up and leaving but my lawyer told me that could cause some issues.

That's flight.

I am not waiting forever and the logical thing for me to do is just to move forward with the divorce.

That's fight.

Move at your own pace. What you will learn in your own time is that flight solves nothing and usually just makes things worse.

He has kids and he is divorced. He is not a medical major, he kind of just works an office job there. My wife is one of the main RN'S there, which is a reason why she said it will be hard for her to leave. I feel like a coward, a laughing stock. I was going to confront him but was talked out of it by my kids. Telling me he isn't worth it and they're right.

I have had him background checked, multiple DUI's. Arrested for assault 15 years ago, also has had drinking problems. Quite the guy she has gotten involved with. I still care about her safety, I feel the need to protect her. The kids have decided to stay because they don't want to leave me with their mom alone. Think she's going to hurt me physically.

I laid out my boundaries to her today, she is aware that if those aren't met then reconciliation is impossible told her I am moving out of this mess with or without her.

I feel like a coward, a laughing stock.

You are neither of these things.

You are a good man and loving father who is trying to do the right thing in a terrible situation that is not of your making.

Take your time. Do what feels right to you. You will work this out and you and your kids will be fine.

Have confidence in yourself.

I ignored her needs and she forgot how it felt like to be adored and cherished.

I agree she really enjoyed feeling adored and cherished by the other man. I think that are true feelings. Problem is, it is bullshit to tell you that you "ignored her needs." You did everything she asked. She was acting happy with you, not too long ago, when the last child left for college, she told you she wanted to have sex with you all over the house, in every room and place. She asked for botox, implants, etc.

You are not a mind-reader. If she didn't tell you, "Husband, you are not making me feel adored and cherished, these are important needs you are not meeting," then she can't validly blame you for not doing anything when everything seemed happy. Even if she had told you and you ignored anyway, cheating wasn't going to fix the problem.

But this is not how cheating happens usually, the cheater doesn't even know they are missing something, then an affair partner shows some interest, and the cheater, instead of telling loyal spouse, instead just pushes forward with the affair partner, and rationalize that the loyal spouse won't be hurt by what they don't know. I don't even think usually they blame you for the cheating while the cheating occurs, only afterward.

Regardless, it is a tough situation because it is so explosive, you on the hurt of betrayal, her on the guilt and shame and being the one who caused it, but not wanting to be.

As far as what they did sexually, I previously referred it to as a sexual circus. She moved in for him for a week, and they both knew this was a TEMPORARY situation - so I would assume that he, and she, would have gone to all the things they never did before and really wanted to. No kink would be beyond. I'm sorry, and I could be wrong, but that would be my assumption based on her specific circumstance of how she left openly.

I also don't think the sex was any big deal to her, I think it was much more emotional than sexual, though she had no limits and no qualms about the sex. I think she had good sex with you, but this guy was new, and she had feelings for him, the infatuation. I also think the sex likely began well before that week.

I think you're doing OK still. Move forward with the divorce, she can either come around or not. I would suggest trying to stop arguing with her, stop talking about the requirements, if she ever asks you about not divorcing, staying together, just tell her that you've already told her what you would need, if she doesn't want it, if you are not important enough for her to do it, she should move on. Because you are important enough.

I feel for you. It sounds like you really want her to see the light. I just don't think she is there yet and I doubt see how you can get her there. It sounds to me she is still on the kick of your messing up her life. She doesn't care how all this is affecting you or your kids. The only way I have ever really seen people turn these things around is to put there foot down. If she think you will wait on her then she will continue to manipulate you and give you bread crumbs until she is read to decided. I just don't think that is fair to you or your kids. I know you want to stay with her but right at this point even if you do she will be thinking about how you ruined her relationship with the man she really love and it will probably take months to get her to see it differently. Some never do in the end.

I would just shut her down completely. I would tell her your divorcing her and your moving on with your life. Once she sees your no long a option she will either just run to the other man or she will make serious changes quickly and start begging for you to stay. See it has to be her choice in the end and making statements like you made me break his heart shows she is still only thinking about him.

She is just not ready to see your side of it.

I would call the OM and tell him to come get her. Its just like that letter that goes around. Just let them go.

C