SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just so you know, they almost always lie about protection.

Ask her what kind of protection she used when she kissed him. Ask her what kind of protection she used for oral sex.

The way she has treated you and rubbed it in your face blows me away you would take her back. Good luck but it seems like your kids have a better handle on this than you.

She said she never gave him oral sex. Not sure if I believe that. And yeah it seemed like she made up her mind and wanted to be with him but now she says she wants us to work on our marriage.

I'm having just a hard time dealing with her.

Ok she says she wants to work on the M, but what has she done to work towards that end?

Has she disclosed his name, if you don't know already?

(So that you can inform the other spouse/SO if there is one)

Has she gone NC and shown you the message that she sent?

Has she gotten an STD test and shown you the results?

Has she given you full disclosure of everything (timeline)?

Is she willing to take a polygraph to back that up?

Has she provided full transparency with all her forms of communication and accounts, including all passwords, etc?

Does she provide full accounting of her whereabouts, who she is with, and what she spends money on?

Most importantly, has she admitted what she did was wrong, owned responsibility for it 100%?

If she isn't doing these things, she isn't ready for R.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 3:13 PM, March 13th (Monday)]

If she is willing but doesn't really know what to do, use that as a guide to set some of your boundaries that you need.

If she is willing, then great...if not, then nothing has changed.

Just my 2 cents worth.

It looks to me like she was betting she could get away with having sex with another man for a while and then come back and you would "just get over it" eventually.

She doesn't think you will really leave so she isn't scared of loosing you, and she believes she doesn't have to do anything because you won't push it. She just plain doesn't believe you will divorce her or do anything about it.

If she doesn't learn to fear losing you, she has already gotten away with it once, she will do it again the next time the opportunity arises.

quite a piece of work you have there.

I don't know if R is in our future to be honest. Has told me she doesn't need an STD test, they were only physical "a few times" and no oral and with protection. She told me this started in December. All she has done is let me read her fb chats. "Love you's thrown in"

She said she's going to try to ask her boss if she can go no contact with him. Don't even know if I want her still working there she's under a contract.

In the chats she also thanked him for the foot rubs he gave her at work and she complained about me not doing it good enough for her. I consider that cheating in itself. So self entitled...

[This message edited by yankees99 at 5:55 PM, March 13th (Monday)]

Ultimately it's your situation, so only you and she can make these decisions.

Remember it takes both of you committed for R, but only one that wants to D.

I don't believe the protection. I don't believe the oral. She lived with him for a week, he put his time in giving foot rubs, he really worked it.

She can get tested. It's the least she can do to help you past this. So far it's mostly talk. She let you look at some of the messages she didn't delete.

Take your time on letting her back in. She did not end contact. She did not leave the job. She did not offer transparency. She did not get tested. She did not offer to delete social media, block him, change phone number. Most of which is meaningless except for showing good faith.

But I see she has you in this negotiation. You want it too bad and I don't think you can walk away from an unacceptable deal.

I think how you go about this is to lay out your listing of your minimum acceptable to delay divorce. Then tell her there is no need to talk unless she has shown she's met those requirements. These are not onerous requests, especially given what you have to put up with for the rest of your life.

You might as well start training for gymnastics now, because you are going to have to become an Olympic level mental gymnast to be able to look at her for a long time. The least she can do is give you some respect. It's been all her way so far, about the toughest thing she's done is supposedly stop having sex with him, which she never should have to begin with.

It's remarkable that after what she has done that she would even think any man wouldn't thro her out on her ear much less accept her back as a wife. On top of that she has basically refused to do anything or provide any information you don't already have.

You can only conclude she is either continuing the affair deeper underground or she doesn't intend to stick around much longer anyway.

FYI, google divorce rates after boob jobs so gastric bypass. This is very, unbelievably strange.

She said she's going to try to ask her boss if she can go no contact with him

Is she still going to see an attorney about the contract? Why can't she just go to her HR department or her boss and ask how to get out of the contract? But she's ok asking the boss about NC?

She bargaining with you to see what you'll accept. Floats out these trial balloons to gauge how she can game this.

How will you know the results of anything she is talking about with respect to her job? Her word?

I smell manipulation just like the shower scene.

Did not expect our kids to be this angry. They have told me from now on they believe I should just visit them because they don't want to see their mom. Especially our daughter, she has told her mom she will never forgive her. All my wife had to say was "I'm sorry you feel that way" She is telling me she wants to make our marriage work.

They have been very supportive of me and took notice that I haven't really been eating anything. Took me out to a nice restaurant. Wife was not invited. I thought I would want their validation, but it's only hurting me that they feel like they need to alienate their mother. They were upset at me for not telling them their mom was staying with the other man. Told me they can't help but look at her with disgust and the relationship will never be the same.

Well my wife thinks we should continue sleeping in the same bed. She has finally accepted the STD test and of course it was more physical than she let on. Finally got the first apology from her today.

Consequences are a bitch!

What is shocking about their reaction? It is appropriate.

Yours? Not so much.

Stop watching what she says.

Start watching what she does.

Why?

Because she has said much, but hasn't done anything to this point.

Yankee, you were served with a shit sandwich. And the worst part is that not only you agreed to eat it, but are getting used to its flavor.

What are you seeking to achieve by staying with this woman? Ruined mental health? Suppressed initiative? Sugarcoated feeling of everyday victimhood?

Just try to imagine your possible future – with and without her (and him). I'm wondering – will you be grateful to yourself in the future for being a passive receptor of what "she says" instead of actively turning your destiny wheel away from someone who has stubbed you in your back?

Our daughter, has told her mom she will never forgive her. All my wife had to say was "I'm sorry you feel that way" She is telling me she wants to make our marriage work.

So, your children see her for who she really is from her actions, (living with the other man), and you are still fixated on her lies (I want to work on our marriage).

Took me out to a nice restaurant. Wife was not invited. I thought I would want their validation, but it's only hurting me that they feel like they need to alienate their mother.

You seem to be massively codependent. Your own kids see how she is abusing you and the family unit, but you see your kids as the offenders against your wife. You must seek therapy for this problem.

She has finally accepted the STD test and of course it was more physical than she let on. Finally got the first apology from her today.

So she has thrown some crumbs in front of you and you are eating them up. Well, I guess that's great if that's what you have been striving for. Strengthen yourself now and make a stand, you need to respect yourself, and maintain the respect of your kids.

Your daughters reaction is just fine. She cheated on them as much as she cheated on you. And you screwed up by not telling them earlier. They are old enough that you need to begin to trust them to handle these decisions themselves.

I would not worry about them now, they seem to be fine.

Why is your wife sleeping in your bedroom? She decided to end the marriage recently. She does not get the option of restarting it where it was and pretend that nothing happened.

She can patch things up with her kids but she'll need to give it some time first, she'll have to rediscover her moral compass, acknowledge her poor coping skills and hurtful choices, and ask for forgiveness to you. They have to accept that their mother has flaws and that their mother has always loved them. That their mother, by virtue as an adult and mother, doesn't prevent her from bad decisions. And you and your kids have to rethink and accept this flaw you never knew about before. But this is a problem for another day, further down the line.

Right now, talk is still cheap - not completely meaningless, but not much unless if it is backed up by action.

Consider that if your wife was truly remorseful, she would be like a woman on fire trying to do whatever she can to make amends, she would be not trying to negotiate or barter with you for sex, std testing, going no contact. She would get it done without you reminding or "nagging" her.

You filed and she was served, correct? And that hasn't fazed her as far as I can see. She does not seem to be in a hurry.

For example, she'll ask her boss to see if she can go no contact with other man. One thing that tells me is she is in regular contact with him. She just spent a sexual circus with him for a week, traipsed around naked with him in his house, drank coffee and toast in the morning naked on his lap. This happened to another poster whose wife continued daily activities everyday with other man. And what is the tegular contact like? Do you think it's very cold and distant? Leading up to this, what do you think it the working relationship was like? It must have been a very close, warm, more-than-cordial friendship. And her boss, their boss, can't see the difference. Your wife is saying she'll have to clue the boss in on the situation. If they lived together for a week, I wonder if they commuted in together and how many workers consider them "an item" right now? Do they spend break times, lunch hours together? Point being, that's likely the situation given the info she has given, or lack thereof, to you. And she has no urgency yo stop it. Maybe she'll bring it up to the boss today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. It's weird that she can't call up the boss on the phone at home RIGHT THIS MINUTE to ask.

Second thing it tells me, she doesn't even come close to get it. She thinks that she can tell you that the boss said she can go no contact with other man and you'll be fine with that. That you'll believe it, and accept them working together and voluntarily not talking to each other. She says she'll ask the boss if they can go no contact, but she doesn't seem to understand she will have to leave the job.

I guess you asked for std's so now she is doing it, I must consider it as something she refused repeatedly and only agreed against her decision, just to placate you. She can't put herself in your shoes and see how important it is for her to show strong actions that she loves you and wants you, to counteract the very unbelievably strong actions that she left you in your face for a fuckfest with the other man.

more physical in sense of more often sex and more things "done" or in sense it went into physical before you had thought they had?

Don't worry about the kids. You did right to tell them and they are processing their feeling in a normal manner. Your wife is finally being dealt consequences that she cares about. She will have to work hard to regain your trust and the trust of her children.

I think she had this planned out with OM. Once the kids left for collage they would go full scale with the affair. I don't think she was prepared for you to move to divorce or tell the kids so quickly. I don't think she thought about the consequences just about the affair and fun. I also don't believe the affair has really ended... that she is just trying to delay the divorce and cake eat for as long as she can.

She seems to be the type of WW that uses sex as a broom... In that she feels if you two are intimate, she is forgiven, and that this can all be swept under the rug.

I see a lot of talk but very little action from your wife. She is not giving you the few things you need to build back trust (full transparency) because the affair is still on going.

Leaving you and spending a week with the affair partner and she feels they should still get to work together? No, this is a no brainer. How are you going to trust her again if she is still in contact with him on a daily basis?

You are doing really well but need to keep it up. Let you children have their anger and feelings. She cheated on them too. She wracked havoc on their family, childhood memories and caused pain to their Dad.

Stay away from your wife sexually. Know that this is her way of manipulation and it's only going to mess you up mentally later on.

Watch for actions - have you given her a list of requirements?

Go 180 until she realizes sex and words are not enough to fix the mess she has caused.

Told me they can't help but look at her with disgust and the relationship will never be the same.

Entirely appropriate and healthy reaction at this point.

Well my wife thinks we should continue sleeping in the same bed. She has finally accepted the STD test...

She interprets the STD test as your acquiescence that you'll have sex with her when the results come back clear.

Finally got the first apology from her today.

Words. Mere words. Apology for what? The affair? Lying that nothing happened not even a kiss? That seven days after DD she spent the night with him? That thereafter she spent a week with him when he was free of his kids? That she accused you of cheating? That she lied when she said they were physical only a "few times"? About the foot rubs at work?

Yankee, you dropped the D papers on her and yesterday you said, "I don't know if R is in our future to be honest". Whatever you decide, do it from a place of strength and integrity. Because you are modeling behavior to your kids.