So, the last two interactions you've had with her have been abusive. She's acting like a child who's had her cake taken away and she's throwing a tantrum. Everybody knows her dirt now and she's angry about it.
Too bad. Those are her feelings to feel, not yours. You are at no obligation to be affected by them. You've got enough on your plate feeling your own emotions right now. Do not absorb hers. Take a pause, breathe deeply, identify which emotions are actually yours and separate them from hers. Acknowledge your own feelings, sit with them, observe them, let them pass when they're ready. Emotions are always in flux. They come and go, so no matter how crummy we feel in one moment, a new moment is coming. Be sure of it.
What it looks like from here is that you are re-acting instead of acting. Your actions are yours to choose. Sometimes, yes... it will be in response to hers by necessity. Say, she breaks in the bedroom door, you respond by calling the police or she throws something at you and you respond by ducking. That's kind of an unavoidable, immediate need to react. In all other areas though, you need to avoid being reactive. Be active instead. Decide what it is that you really want to accomplish and work toward those goals.
I'll be honest with you, reconciliation after betrayal is extremely difficult. And as many people have told you here, BOTH partners need to be 100% committed to it. I can't see that either one of you are in a position to do put forward that commitment. For you, the betrayal is still too fresh and you haven't had time to process it or know what it is you really want. For her, she's still of a wayward mindset, trying to control the outcome, focused on herself, and projecting her emotions onto you.
If it weren't for the fact that she's apparently incapable of behaving like a civilized adult, I'd say allow the divorce to proceed while you continue to reside together. Give it time and see how you feel. But if she's throwing things at you, refusing to allow you space, and screaming obscenities at you, that's abusive. Under those circumstances, separation may be a better option.
Just so you know... the longer a couple is separated, the less likely they are to reconcile. That said, when one or both lack self-control and physical/emotional damage is being done, this increases the odds that a separation will become permanent as well, and sometimes on a more sudden basis, say for example a restraining order becomes necessary.
Meanwhile, your kids are of college age, but they're still emotionally immature and need your guidance. They need to understand that their relationship with you is entirely separate from their relationship with their mother and that no matter what is going on between you and your WW, they are still loved by BOTH parents. They need to understand that having a continued relationship with their mother is not a betrayal to you and that everybody is going to be okay. Hard times come and we deal with them, but everything will work out for the best.
Finally, no alcohol. And I mean none. It's a depressant and while it provides temporary relief for your anxiety while you're imbibing, the anxiety rebound is worse than the hangover. If you need help, see your doctor and get some medication which will help relieve your symptoms but not cause that terrible rebound effect.
Hang in there Yankees. You're in a tough situation, but it will pass. Have faith.
