SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I personally don't think locking the bedroom door was immature or childish. You've already made it clear to her that you do not want to have sex with her... and yet she has tried to join you in the shower and thrown a somewhat violent fit when you wouldn't let her in the bedroom. Her MO is that sex means forgiveness and forgiveness means rug sweeping....

The family gathering might not have been manipulative on their part but clearly your WW wanted you there so she wouldn't have to face their disappointment in her. The crying was all about her having to face the music alone.

I think you are doing great.

....sex means forgiveness and forgiveness means rug sweeping....

And in some states it can mean that adultery is off the table as grounds. IOW, once you've reconciled sexually, the court interprets it as tacit forgiveness of the adultery. It's scary to think that WS's have done their homework and will take manipulation to such and extreme degree, but the fact is... some do.

In my last post I didn't articulate my thought properly. My thinking was that she is manipulating him by putting out the least amount of effort in an attempt to keep Yankee and save her boyfriend any pain. While she is still telling her parents and siblings she is trying to save the marriage they will be supportive to her and Yankee.

However, if this marriage goes south, they are her family and will eventually gather around her. While they may always like Yankee, things can often get strained, especially if grandchildren/ nephews/nieces are involved.

As for filing for divorce, I often advise filing when a WS is dragging their feet, not wanting to fully comply with what is needed to be a safe partner. Filing tells the WS you are not waiting any longer, they know what they need to do to be a safe partner. If the WS buckles down and works their ass off to save the marriage, like Wallopeds wife for example, then the divorce can be put on hold and eventually stopped. If the WS doesn't put in the hard work, then you saved yourself a lot of heartache and time.

Well, I guess it is good that she's facing some more consequences, but as you know, you are still have a WS with regard to her situation at work.

I also think it's humorous that she got an earful from her family considering that she probably whitewashed the story to the extent that she could.

Lastly, she can't believe that you would leave her after she spent a week or two having sex with another man with your knowledge of the affair. Really?!? She just thought you were going to be OK with that? Just go back to the way things were. Nothing to see here. Commence regularly scheduled sex in the shower and/or all over the house... wow, she's delusional.

Locking the door is a healthy response. Rather than immature, it shows a good measure of self care and self respect. The marriage is always supposed to be the safe haven. With your spouse always having your back. She nuked that.

The locked door allows a physical safe haven. And importantly a mental safe haven. She has been argumentative and abusive to the entire family.

The locked door is a physical representation of the 180. A place where you can detach.

A locked bedroom door to gain needed relief is not immature and should not be trivialized by comparing it to refusing to wash the dishes.

Look at Yankees wording:

Going to lock my bedroom door tonight, not trying to deal with it. She deserves it

So locking the door is punishment. She deserves it.

I don’t think actions like this – adding and feeding the drama – are positive to getting out of infidelity.

You beat the irrational and illogical act of infidelity with rational thought and logic.

But Yankee - do what you feel OK with.

She claims she's trying to protect herself, not the boyfriend. Now that I think about it, in such a serious job I don't know how the affair would look to HR. They will probably both get fired.

Her family does not know she spent a week with the other man. I did not want to go for them to play marriage counselor. How their perfect daughter made a mistake giving herself to a man who has issues. Bet they would change their mind if they saw the chats full of "true love" and explicit messages

My wife has hired a lawyer to see if she can get out of the contract anytime soon which I guess is somewhat positive

.

That may not be the only reason she talked to a lawyer.

I do not think locking the door was childish either, FWIW.

Yankees99, once again from your posts you are still covering for her, hiding what's happened from others why? It's not helping you or her, in getting out of infidelity, which does not mean ultimatly a divorce but you do seem to be moving towards accepting a false R which will ultimatly result in divorce, you definatley need to expose her and fast, I don't even believe her NC with OM is true, she/they have just moved it deeper underground, I would advise looking for a sleeper phone, though it may be hard to find.

Regards BJE49

It sounds like you just want to stay with her no matter what she does. That really is your choice. You have every right to do that. Your wife is not a child and your continuing to treat her as such. She knew when she entered into the affair that not only could this end her marriage it could also end her job. This is her problem not yours. Your job is to protect yourself. Your wife is showing you who she is siding. Even if you want to believe she is just trying to protect herself she is showing you she is choosing her own comfort over yours. Now like the others I can only tell you the way I see it and the experience I have had. She is manipulating you. She is covering for him with the excuse of her job. If she really wanted to save this marriage would she be worried about her job or her career. She would stop at nothing to make sure she kept you in her life.

Take a step back and ask yourself. If the shoe was on the other foot do you think she would stay with you while you ran off and stayed with another woman for a week? Would she hold off from costing you your job? Do you really think she would just given to the way she is acting now. Its clear where she stands.

I think what you have to ask your self is what do you want. If you want to save your marriage then your probably going to have to given and let her keep her job until she can leave but I bet even when that time comes she will stay. The other thing is I doubt seriously this affair is over with. So if your going to stay without her doing the things you asked then you better get used to it.

If your going to leave then don't expose her. The last thing you need is to have to support her on top of paying for the divorce.

I think Biggers advice has been rock solid and I would follow it to the letter. He clearly has a great way or relaying most of our thoughts.

C

too distraught - remind her how distraught you were when she went on a romp coming home to rest. do not go your children will appreciate your guts. akso have the 911 ready. there is a good chance she become violent. i mean leaving home for week with the posom and expecting no repercussions i think it is extreme. what she did was even worse than an exit affair. With POSOM around are sure nothing is happening after the week of vulgarity. Put some thing to trail her. Even for R I think it is better to tell people her spending week with posom. she will face some grilling from her people.

[This message edited by goalong at 3:39 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

From what I am told abandonment has a lot to do with children and up and leaving without saying anything or leaving money for bills. I have left money for bills on the counter. Packed my stuff and texted her that I'm moving on.

I have checked myself into a motel just to get away from everyone at the moment. She is texting me telling me she doesn't understand. She cut contact with the affair partner and is already trying to quit her job she tells me, but I can't stand the lack of remorse.

She is now saying she's done and she's coming home. Maybe it was impulsive, just so sick of the abuse. How I wish I could just have that woman I loved back

Are you leaving home for good? That is an emotional action. Hope you get back. With her attitude she may get the posom to your house if you keep resisting. Then you will have more grief piled up. Abuse should not be some thing that make a man to run away. a woman you can understand

I think most betrayeds just feel....battered. Emotions from what happened are all over the place. The next moves all suck. Manipulation.

Clearing the head for a few days is an extremely good idea. Let your kids know where to find you and shut off your phone and spend some well needed decompression.

When I found out I told my son I was going out for a ride on my motorcycle and I shut off my phone...came home 6 hours or so later.

Sometimes alone time is a good thing, just don't stay gone too long.

What is it she doesn't understand!!

Make sure your children know how to reach you. The lawyer in me wants to make sure you create no evidence that can give rise to abandonment. But apart from the legal issue it is the right thing to do.

I want you to realize this: you can be happy if you divorce. You probably WILL be happy much sooner than you could every dream possible.

And if you can reconcile, in the RIGHT way, you can be happy too.

I know it may not seem like it right now, but you have all the power. If you keep your cool, you will be happy again.

Well, as happy as a Yankee fan can be.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 6:06 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

Thinking of you right now yankees99.

(((Yankees99)))

Keep posting and listening.

So sorry for what she is doing to you.

You are doing what you need to do.

Keep listening to these fine people here on si.

Take care of you!!!!!

I have a var in the home, two actually. I am still at the motel. After bombing my phone for the whole day she finally said she will leave me alone for the day, but she expects me home tomorrow. Damn I never knew how much control she feels she's had over me. Thinks I will just do anything for her. Damnit I have throughout our entire marriage. Practically worshipping the ground she walked on. I can't do that anymore.

Damn I never knew how much control she feels she's had over me

That was me and my WW.

The night it became clear that control was over was, I think, the greatest surprise of her life. She never until that moment doubted for one second she would get her way.