SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

y99,

I don't fully understand the threesome thing. She said you couldn't sleep with another person, but she'll bring another woman into the bedroom. Just being inquisitive, or maybe it is a stupid question, but is this woman for her, you, or both?

In any event, for me personally, I don't think this would resolve the issue. The lies, and continued lies to her family, are more hurtful than the sex. This is what really killed it for me. Even when her best friend witnessed my ex in bed with another guy on a girls weekend, my ex still denied it. She finally admitted it later on after we were done. This mindset shows me it is more about saving face, than dealing with the issues. Avoidance at its finest.

I view the offer for the threesome much the same. She is using the offer to smooth things over, and avoid having to deal with her shitty choices. To me this means avoidance, and therefore rugsweeping. Plus, you don't really need a third party in your marriage at this time. While I've never engaged in it, from what I understand, only persons in a stable, trusting, and honest marriage, should ever bring additional parties into your bed. I doesn't seem to me that you are there at this time, and your wife's offer suggests she still doesn't comprehend the damage she has done, and is still continuing to do.

Y99,

Told me she lied because she doesn't want them to ruin our chances of reconciling.

This smacks of another lie by her. Put this side by side with her comment to them just a day or so ago that you were being "difficult".

Last night she sat me down and asked how can she prove she's not in contact with OM and that she wants to reconcile.

Well, it's not up to you lay down what you would accept as proof. You can lay down boundaries that you need to begin to recover from her betrayal. Because you cannot begin to R until you begin to recover and heal. The OM's presence at the worksite is a barrier to your healing. Forget the bullshit parsing of her working primarily offsite and the OM working in the office. The cheating took place at the worksite.

She keeps thinking I want revenge.

This has been a consistent theme with her hasn't it? First you wanted revenge on the OM, Then you were having an A with the woman that was advising you. Use it as a talking point. Ask her to list, in detail, the things she has done that she believes would cause you to seek revenge.

She sounded sincere in her voice. Reminded me that she has no benefits of staying in this marriage if she didn't want too such as financial or custody.

Her logic is flawed. Her willingness to forego $ and custody in a D is not evidence of her sincerity in wanting to R.

Well I'm confused.

Yankee, understanding and applying the 180 will lead you to a healthy level of detachment. This literal and figurative arm's length environment lets your mind synch with your heart. You will better evaluate her actions. You'll make better decisions. You'll begin to recover your sense of self and understand that you can, in fact, live without her. You will begin to take back your power. Your confusion will begin to clear because you will be concentrating on yourself.

I told her if we reconcile then the marriage will be a lot different and I'll have to be in charge.

You only have a chance at R if you change and she changes. Otherwise, all of the old behaviors surface. The 180 and detachment allow you the space to work on yourself so you can be the respected leader. She said early on that she wanted to "work on the marriage". She has to work on herself to have a chance at a new marriage.

She said I can talk to her boss herself if I don't believe her.

Yankee, a lot of what she says about the job change is suspect to me. She's protecting the OM. She's also protecting herself. At a minimum she's protecting her reputation at work. I think there is more though. She indicates a willingness to leave her job. I believe her employer would easily ditch the OM if it meant she would stay with them. He's easily replaceable. I think if she told her employer why she was leaving she would instead be fired. Perhaps her time out of the office was used to meet with the OM and she fears that would be uncovered.

Tell her there is no way you can ever determine if she is in contact with him, but that you can live with it when she is out of that company. Until then, there will be no reconciling. Until then, you are continuing toward divorce.

Tell her the fact that she hasn't told her boss about the cheating shows you something about where you fit in her hierarchy of needs and loves.

So you're moving forward, and you hope she is able to make you feel safe and secure in the marriage before the divorce goes through.

Tell her you have been devastated by her affair, her leaving you openly in your face to be with him, and every single day that she leaves the house to be in the same building where he is, the wound is ripped open all over again. There is no words and crying or apologizing that can make up for this, it will only be improved when she actually DOES something rather than just tell you about it.

Tell her it's not about revenge and sex with other women. It's about her love for you and what she thinks is important.

By now, it is quite apparent that you would never leave your wife as long as she left the job. Even with her at the job, you want to stay with her. That is OK, but let's just be real. If I'm wrong and you disagree, fine too. One point I'm trying to get at is that if I can see this in a post or two a day that you are taking her back, your wife can see it, too.

As far as your wife goes, you are swallowing a huge shit sandwich, on top of a big heap of pride, and she doesn't seem to really have to put up with any humble pie at all, all she does is leave the job, but in her own sweet time, because she doesn't want to face her own TRUTHFUL actions. Leaving the way she is from that job, kind of is a lie.

And she says she wants to protect him. That he shouldn't lose his job. I disagree, he did the deed, now he should face the consequences of his actions. What did he expect thumbing you in the face like that? That you would just lay down and do nothing?

What does she say her boss as to why she wants to leave?

Not uncommon to be confused. Keep moving forward. There is no way to prove she is not in contact so do not even try.

She is still in control and dictating your terms of your surrender.

Work on you. Stop being dependent. She does not respect you.

Okay so she told me she has been ignoring the other man and he has stopped trying to talk to her. I told her that doesn't matter. Every time she goes to work she is disrespecting me and our marriage and showing me she doesn't care. Well that happened earlier in the day. Later in the day she texted me telling me all happy telling me she is going to be gone by next Friday, they had an application put in and the person has apparently been accepted. Told me she wanted to take me out to dinner, I refused.

I just can't stay in that house right now. I'm at the office still because I don't want to go home. I just still feel so hurt. She said this affair is the worst thing she's ever done in her life and that she's sorry and she loves me. I dread going home.

She went from rubbing your nose into her choosing him and spending a week with him while you were being eaten alive by your emotions to 'worst thing I've ever done in my life'?

Respectfully, you can safely assume it's bullshit

yank - it's a process - stay strong.

I think you are doing well considering.

Leaving her job is a good thing, and a step in the right direction, she made an effort, which should be recognized.

If you don;t want to go to dinner that's up to you. Maybe it would be good to acknowledge this positive action with a low stress simple dinner at home...

It is up to you take the lead to get to R or D. Saying no to her invitation and staying at the office to avoid her is not productive. IMO

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 9:25 PM, March 25th (Saturday)]

I agree, her efforts to leave the job need to be recognized, with healthy skepticism, but recognized none the less.

Use this as a stepping stone to get her moving on the rest of your requirements...full disclosure, etc.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 7:24 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

I think you might want to think about what she needs to do. Quitting her job is a big deal - it does deserve recognition.

Make out a list - things that are the minimum she needs to do - and make clear you make no guarantees even if she does those things. I found having my ww read how to help your spouse heal from an affair was a good step.

What she is looking for is a quick answer. Resist the temptation to give it. You are in crisis - time will give you the distance to let you know what you really want. At this point you probably don't know what that is - neither did I

I found having my ww read how to help your spouse heal from an affair was a good step.

Definitely agree with this, it woke my fWW up even more.

It really helped her turn the corner as far as her thinking goes, and she has been all-in ever since.

I agree that her leaving her job needs to be recognized but you don't have to go out to dinner or go home right now. Put yourself first. You don't owe her anything after this mess. You can reach out to her about it when you are ready. If she's R material, she will understand.

Your wife is so arrogant that she felt she could treat herself to a week long sexual adventure and it would still be ok, weather she's right or wrong is up to you- good luck 😉

It is your deal. You can weigh out the pros and cons of R. I feel she wants R more for practical reasons than for emotional reasons. After you hit her with papers her warped mind got a shock and realized the consequences she is going to face.

So keep your I do not know whether I really want attitude for some more time.

If you R (in additions to your demand for full controll going forward)

Ask for a postnup (with a lawyer) to protect your assets/interests

Discuss/explain to your kids why you R

Also you can ask for the details(if you want) of prior to the week of her leaving home. I am sure much more happened than the emotional testing. Remember she did not confess, you found. It would have been still going on otherwise

Also to serve a cold sandwich to POSOM instead of the shit he served you, you can inform her boss (after she leave) and get the posom fired. This will also indicate whether they are in contact still if WW get to know/ask you about your revenge act.

[This message edited by goalong at 7:31 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

I agree with exposure to the workplace after she is gone. That's an incredible way to test whether No Contact is in place.

Don't let her know you're doing it of course.

Also, it wasn't a weeklong sexcapade. She left y99 for him. Period. For whatever reason the test drive didn't work out so she reverted to Plan B.

She said this affair is the worst thing she's ever done in her life and that she's sorry and she loves me.

Assuming this is the truth, this is just the beginning IF you should TRY to reconcile. I got that and more within the first half hour of me confronting my wife, but it took me between a year to a year and a half with me not being sure I could stay in the marriage.

My point of view was, and is, that she performed very, very strong actions the way she cheated. Not all affairs are equal. Not all cheating stings and cuts and devastates the same. It all hurts, but a drunken one-night stand in 20 years time is much different than a dozen 6-month affairs which is different than a 5-month affair with a co-worker where she thumbed your nose in it and went to him OVER you.

Your situation, the way she cheated, was a very strong action, a very deep, wounding hurt. And then, to add insult to injury, after you caught her she was combative and recalcitrant. Now that she has done what you have asked weeks ago, which STILL she hasn't left the job, it is STILL just talk until she is gone.

On top of that, she still PROTECTS him and cares about him. She will not tell the boss what happened she says now because of her own reputation but she has in the past told you because she wants to protect him.

The WORDS she speaks now are very strong now, and the ACTIONS (of her leaving the job), compared to the strong ACTIONS she performed in the affair and the way she did it, does not equal out. Picture the statue of Lady Justice, holding in one hands the scales - if you put her cheating on one side and her actions now in the other, the one side with the cheating is weighed down heavily.

So let's hold up the celebratory dinner, that she won't have to see and talk to her lover, and let's just let her ACTUALLY leave the job first. And then, let's just give her a little talk, that ANYTHING to do with the affair is NEVER going to be the matter of a CELEBRATORY dinner. I am reconciled a few years, and I don't think I will ever have a celebratory dinner about it. I'm glad it worked out for me, and the end result, but I am NEVER going to feel celebratory about any of the affair.

I just still feel so hurt.

I am guessing because of some of the things I posted above.

If she meets your requests, of what is acceptable to even TRY to reconcile, then comes a long period of time (2-5 YEARS) where you are unsure and watching and she shows consistent ACTIONS over a long period of time, until you finally feel like you are reconciled and truly committed back. The scars remain but the pain fades away.

I don't want to be Debbie Downer, her words and actions are very good things. But they are a beginning, not an end (as your wife seems). Go read in the wayward forum here, it is par for the course. The cheaters spend months and months burning down the house, then want it rebuilt in a day. Doesn't work that way.

Y99,

Later in the day she texted me telling me all happy telling me she is going to be gone by next Friday

An important first step. When you first had conversations w/her that she had to leave the job, did you link that step back to R? Did you say she had to do it or you were gone, and going through w/the D?

I ask because it is important to know two things:

1. her perception of what quitting meant for the M.

2. what you committed if she did quit.

The shower sex, needed to sleep in the same bed, going out to dinner (to celebrate?) shows she wants you to rug sweep and put this all behind you.

Continue to 180, detach, work on becoming the new v 2.0 Y99.

From a position of strength, you need to tell her that she took an important step in your recover by leaving the job.

What else do you need to recover and heal? What do you need to do, what does she need to do? What will allow you to stay in the marriage for the time being while you recover?

Try to answer these questions by focusing solely on your needs without factoring in whether they led to R or D. 'Cause you gotta get your legs under you to function in everyday life first before you can process any decision making on your longer term future.

Yankee,

I agree that leaving her job next Friday is a positive step.

Her offer for a threesome… I see it as her not really understanding why you are in pain.

It could be that she thinks the PHYSICAL aspect of the affair is what is the worst. She thinks your pain is based on her having had sex with another man, or that she has had some while you didn’t. So, by offering you sex with someone else everything “evens out”.

I’m guessing the physical aspect of the affair isn’t really what’s hurting the most…

I guess it’s the emotional aspect, the betrayal, the fact she chose openly to be with him rather than you…

I see progress in your wife. Slow progress but still progress… It’s as if she’s agreed to paddle behind you towards shore but now it’s an issue if she’s going fast enough.

One idea might be for you to write down what it is about the affair that hurts so much.

Leaving the job is a good thing but more than likely others at work have put together something is going on between them.

In other words she would have to leave anyway. Given she is an rn she is more capable in finding a new job.

She is not leaving for you but for her. She showed no respect in doing this in your face. Now she says you can't sleep with another women. She continues to dictate to you.

I would not recommend but you can sleep with another woman if you choose. She could either accept divorce or accept forgiveness just like she demands you do.

You are not drowning and you will survive this. Keep moving forward. Do not let her run your life anymore