This is a long story...
It is also a story as old as the hills with predictable outcomes and time-tested solutions. Ignore these at your peril.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years and have three wonderful kids, all in their teens. Dday for me was 1/20/17. My marriage has not been perfect, but I never imagined in my worst nightmare that it would come to this. I was unemployed for a few months and just went back to work in January.
The imperfections in your marriage are not the reason your WW cheated on you. OTOH, the fact that you lost your job was probably a contributing factor (albeit, one which you probably couldn't help). Many women quickly lose respect for their man if he ceases to be a good provider.
In November we had a fight about my lack of success in finding a job, and she said she needed some space, and told me sometimes she just drove around to think, as she did not want to come home when she got off work and "see me there again". Her new job gives her 3 Fridays a month off at noon. So, after our blow up in November, I let her have her space, thinking this would help relieve her frustration with me. This also meant I quit trying to hug her as much, not asking for sex, etc.
I trust you now realize that letting her "have her space" was a mistake. In effect, you gave her permission to cheat on you by failing to insist that she continue to perform her spousal duties, one of which is to come home when one's workday is over.
Fast forward to January 16. I started getting suspicious when putting away laundry, I came across some new lingerie that I had never seen before along with some other “intimate” stuff hidden in a small bag in our closet. That night I asked her about this stuff and asked if there was someone else. She denied it and she said she got that for us, but was not ready for that yet. I asked if she would go to marriage counseling and she said yes so I made an appointment for the coming Saturday. The next day, for some reason I was not feeling right about her answer, so I went to look at the stuff again and it was gone. I freaked out and found it hidden in the trunk of her car. I was becoming a nervous, paranoid wreck. So, I started going through cell phone records and noticed three numbers from a town about 2 hours away that she had been calling or texting and vice versa since about July, with more frequency and longer duration in October, November and December.
Other than confronting her immediately upon discovering the new lingerie, you did well. Many men turn a blind eye to the signs of infidelity, generally out of fear of discovering the truth. The fact that you didn't ignore it speaks well of you and of your ability to recover reasonably quickly from her betrayal.
I was at my computer looking at phone records when I checked the online records from our toll road account. I discovered she had been making trips to that town and two other cities near us leaving on those Fridays she got off work at noon, coming home around 5-7pm, when she was telling me she needed time to herself. I tried to recall the stories she told me that had made sense at the time: lunch with a friend, walking by the lake for exercise, meeting an old girl friend from high school, etc.
I confronted her and told her I knew about the affair with (I know his name, an old friend from high school who she had remained friends with). The first thing she said was, "How do you know that? Have you been following me?" I went ballistic (I did not prepare myself for this revelation) and said what the F*** does that matter, you did this! Don't lie to me anymore, just tell me the truth! Then she admitted everything.
Don't kid yourself. Waywards rarely confess "everything" at the beginning. However, again, you handled this well and, although she probably still hasn't told you everything, your WW did confess to the affair.
His wife (yes, he is married too) was mean and they were basically separated under the same roof. They would talk about their problems to one another. She begged me not to confront him as it would ruin him. He is a high level executive with a huge company. His wife does not know yet. The affair started out as emotional in Summer, then moved to physical at the end of October. They would meet up in motels in his city or sometimes he would drive here and they would meet in a hotel in our city or one of two other cities near us. She said they had these trysts in motels on 6-7 different occasions up to Dday.
The OM's claim that he and his wife are "basically separated" is probably a lie, told to make it easier for your WW to cheat. As you go through the ordeal of recovering from this, bear in mind that much of what your WW tells you will either be an out-and-out lie or will be slanted in some way so as to mislead you. In other words, from now on, you cannot trust a thing she says to you. The solution is to respond only to what she does, not to what she says.
She said it ended on January 6 because they both agreed "it was too destructive and too many people could be hurt", so they ended the physical affair. I believe he does not want to end his marriage at this time. But the call logs indicated they were still talking about every other day or so, which I called her on. She tried to explain that they still talked to one another every few days or so but that is all. I am having a REALLY hard time believing that. I demanded she have no more contact with him, and she said her last comms was a text telling him I had found out and not sure what I was going to do. However, I suspect she has changed methods and may be using WhatsApp or the like for non-logged texts and calls. A couple of days ago I asked her to show me her phone and she refused. She says she can't breathe here, and I know I'm paranoid but I just can't trust her anymore. She swears there has been no contact with the OM since January 20, when she told the OM they had been discovered and there has been no record of contact on her cell phone (I have checked the records). In my mind I am thinking I will let her stay in the house with the kids and me with NC.
As you suspect, it is highly unlikely that your WW and the OM have agreed to end their PA. More likely, they've agreed to cool it until things return to normal (i.e., you go back to being a chump).
As you also suspect, the OM probably doesn't want to end his marriage because he knows his wife can take him to the cleaners.
You are also almost certainly correct that they are still in close communication by some other means, and you can forget about your WW giving you access to her communication devices and applications. So, if you want to know what she is up to, your are going to have to spy on her. I do not recommend that, however, because, as discussed below, I think your marriage in not salvageable.
She said her feelings for me changed and that she could no longer support me emotionally. I asked if she loved him and she said she cares for him a lot. She said she had been planning to leave me about a year ago, but held on hoping she could push through, and maybe things would get better, but was not communicating to me the depth of her feelings. She intended to leave me once I got a job and was stable so as not to leave me while unemployed. The unemployment lasted longer than either of us expected. I did not realize how badly she felt, and did not make things easier once I became unemployed. Ironically, Dday was on a Friday. My first day of work at my new job was the following Monday. Ugh. We talked all night and the next morning until we both were exhausted. We had a counseling session scheduled for that Saturday morning at where I had thought we were going to try and fix things, but instead she said she wanted out of our marriage.
Your WW has been remarkably frank with you and, I believe, honest, as to her feelings. Most WWs try to string their BHs along for at least a while. What this means is that she is genuinely through with her marriage and with you. I'm sorry to state it so bluntly but it is imperative that you understand and accept this so that you can make the decisions that will be best for you and your children.
I am so mad at her yet I still love her. I always believed infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to me. My heart is just...broken.
Yes, you still love her because your are a normal, decent man, and there is no reason to be ashamed of that. However, given the depth of your WW's betrayal and her refusal to even consider reconciling, indeed, her admission that she is through with you, you must now base your decisions on the assumption that you marriage will end. All of your decisions and actions, from now on, should be designed to (1) mitigate the harm that divorce will have on your children and (2) shorten the time it takes you to recover emotionally and financially from her betrayal and your divorce.
While you do not need to act precipitously, you also should not wait too long before beginning the divorce process. At a minimum, you should consult with several divorce attorneys to find a good one, retain him or her and start to take his or her advice. Among other things, you will want advice about custody (probably not too big a problem, given your children's ages), how to protect your assets and minimize child support and alimony. You will also want to learn if her infidelity matters for the divorce (in most places, it doesn't). Get used to thinking about how it will affect the divorce settlement before you say or do something. You will undoubtedly screw up from time-to-time (everybody does) but just being aware of the danger will minimize the harm.
We have had the house for sale (since October) and once we get a contract on it, we will plan a time to tell our kids. Right now we are living under the same roof and she is sleeping in a different room, and the two kids still here don't know anything. She does not want to reconcile. She is done. We are both going to individual counseling. I feel like I have had my heart ripped out. I feel broken and depressed. I am not sleeping, but my doc just prescribed a sleep aid which I start tonight which hopefully helps, and a physical scheduled in a couple of weeks. I have lost 19 lbs., and don't eat much, but realize I need to take care of myself so forcing myself to eat right and take vitamins. I intend to exercise more too--walking, etc.
Plan on telling your children ASAP. They are old enough to be told the full truth, that your WW cheated and is still involved with the OM, and that you will be divorcing. Of course, you want to reassure them of your love and tell them that everything will be OK, but do not whitewash your WW's actions. Let your WW speak for herself. Do not apologize for her or say things like "she's still a great mom." She's not a great mom because great mom's don't destroy their children's families.
She is terrified that I am going to confront the guy and tell his wife everything. And our friends, her family, our pastor, etc. He blocked me on Facebook, my WW un-friended him too (presumably to hide the private messages from me). On Dday when WW texted him they had been discovered, he replied she needs to warn him if I am headed his way. I wanted to drive down there and take a baseball bat to him, which I have since thought better of. I am still not sure if I am going to confront him and inform his wife of all the details. My WW thinks if I tell the OW that it will be only to try and hurt her (which initially is what I was feeling). I am conflicted because I want to protect my children. Is it my place/responsibility to inform the OMW?
She isn't terrified that you are going to confront the OM (I presume you're smart enough to realize that getting into a physical altercation with the OM could result in jail time for you). She's afraid that your going to tell people what she's done which will have the effect ruining her reputation (which she deserves) and in all likelihood eliminating any chance of her ending up with her well-off boy friend (which she also deserves).
As far as notifying the OMW, yes, it is your responsibility as a responsible adult and a decent human being. The only question is when and how to do it. Generally, the sooner the better and in person or over the phone are the answers to those questions. The only countervailing factor is whether delaying exposure could benefit you somehow in the divorce settlement. The truth is that this is rarely the case but you do want to consider things like whether disclosure might get your WW fired and result in you having to pay more alimony and child support (that doesn't seem to be the case here).
What should I do? I feel like such a fool. Thanks for listening to my long story, but I could really use some advice from someone who has been here. I just want the nightmare to end, and get on the road to healing, if that's possible.
What you should do is:
1) Start to take really good care of yourself physically, including eating right, getting enough sleep (get a sleeping prescription, if necessary) and exercising regularly. Avoid alcohol.
2) For your mental well-being and to start to rebuild your self-esteem, you should devote more time and energy to your children but also start to cultivate interests outside the home (spend time with old friends and make new ones, do things that interest you and do new things). But don't start dating just yet.
3) If you find yourself getting seriously depressed or incapable of acting, see your doctor.
4) Retain a good attorney and file for divorce ASAP;
5) Begin to detach emotionally from your WW (read up on the so-called "180"). This will take time so, the sooner your start, the sooner you will start to recover.
I hope this is helpful. You have a lot of thinking and a lot of work to do so, the sooner you can pull yourself together, the better. But don't get too upset with yourself if you screw up occasionally. Things have a way of working themselves out of their own accord and, like millions of other men who have been exactly where you are now, you are going to be OK.
Like everyone else here, I'm pulling for you.
