SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bigger is totally correct on confronting OM vs telling obs yourself. I decided to tell obs myself as I knew he would paint me as a crazed lunatic. I was correct. But after communicating with his wife she discovered everything wife told him was bs and everything he tried to paint me as was bs as well. Do not trust OM to tell his spouse . If he does he will minimize it and make you out to be the bad guy. This I guarantee.

betrayed,

You have done the right thing in bringing this to a head and taking steps to end the ongoing affair. It's a stormy time for you, and I'm sure everyone's thoughts here are with you.

However - and sorry to echo other posts - but you really should tell the OBS yourself. You described the OM as:

What a POS coward MF

I agree completely. He surely is. I don't think anyone here would have anything good to say about the guy. But think about it: will a POS coward MF independently go to his wife and confess to everything? I very much doubt that. For your own peace of mind, and the OBS's well-being, you need to tell her yourself, and tell her what has happened to your marriage as a result of the affair.

You have told the guy not to contact your wife again, but he was still contacting her after he knew that you knew all about what was going on. He didn't stop just because you knew about it. BUT, if you give the OBS the true story, to its full extent, she will probably turn his world upside down and be very effective in ensuring that he has much less chance to stay in contact with your wife. The OBS can be your greatest ally in keeping them apart, but it has to be you that tells the OBS, not the OM. He is certainly not your ally, and he will definitely not tell the OBS anything that would prevent him from contacting your wife again. Why would he? And why give him the opportunity to give her a pack of lies?

Contact the Posom's wife. No way they ever get close to telling her the truth. He's happy you said you were divorcing your wife. At best they will lay low for a bit while you calm down.

Ask your wife if she really thinks he wants to have a life with his cheap, tawdry mistress or if he just wants side action and keep his family together. Tell her the answer is the same one you are giving her, that you don't want to be married to some fool's cheap ass mistress either.

Contact his wife.

Don't let her downplay her actions to her family, your family or your kids. Let her reap all the benefits she bans earned on her back.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. It is great that you are here and getting all of this terrific advice to help you along the way. I wish I had the benefit of this amazing community when I went through this years ago.

One thing I wanted to add for you to consider is what to tell the kids. Personally, my ex WW cheated on me with many, many men, which I found out only years later. I made the decision not to tell our then 13 year old son - it would have been easy to tell him because then he would have known it was not my fault. But I decided that it was not in his best interest to know why we were getting divorced, or even for that matter who had filed for the divorce. The only thing that he needed to know was that it was not his fault and that everything would be ok. Nearly 3 years later I am very glad I made that decision. To this day I have not told him the reason for our divorce and so he has not had to deal with any of that. Our children only get 1 mother and I feel like telling him would have been very detrimental to that important relationship. One day when he is older maybe he will be entitled to know just the very basic fact - that we got divorced because she cheated. But I will judge that as he gets older.

Whatever you decide, my strong advice is that your decision should be made based solely on what is best for the children and not for yourself. It is very hard sometimes to remember that, especially in the heat of the moment. But once you tell them you can't undo it. I do know many people who did tell their kids and from what I can tell it has never turned out to be a good idea.

I hope this advice helps as you consider how to proceed.

Sorry that you are here.

Lately I have been more suspicious of my wife breaking NC. In my perpetual paranoid state, earlier I bought a tiny VAR and caught the whole thing. I discovered my wife had purchased a burner phone and was talking to the OM while in her car supposedly while she was at exercise class.

Good work with the VAR. Her use of a burner phone is nasty.

The next day with some help from a close and trusted friend, I contact two attorneys and have appointments this week to interview for representation.

Another good idea. Even if you decide to not go through with the divorce, this is important. You need to know your legal position. This is critical as you go forward.

I called him yesterday and blew him up, told him he was a coward and complicit in the destruction of my marriage and he needed to tell his wife about the affair or that I would. He told me he knew that I was serious and would tell her.

My guess is that he either won't tell her or he will make up a story about you being crazy. I would still tell her, regardless. She needs to know.

My marriage is over. I asked my wife to move out. We are going to tell the kids this weekend, and I demanded she tell the truth and include the affair. A good friend told me nothing sanitizes like sunshine. We are going to see a counselor tonight to discuss how we prepare to tell the kids. My heart is breaking all over again thinking of how this is going to affect them.

Again, good move. Be strong.

My doctor prescribed some anti-depressants and I start those today.

Beware the side effects. Following the dosing instructions carefully and do not be afraid to ask your pharmacist and/or doctor a question if you have problems.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks I can start to see some light at the end of this long nightmarish tunnel.

It will get better, I promise. Time heals all wounds. Try to get some sleep, ok?

your kids are big. tell them and get them on your side. Then WW has to chip in with child support (regarding your concern on finances). Better to tell everyone asap since WW want project a positive image of herself. since the POS is someone in the community that will affect him too. check whether it is possible to hurt the POS at his job.

Anyone 💭 my of not telling their children beware. Maybe googling children of adultery or something similar. There are quite a few posters around that feel totally betrayed by both parents and it isn't good. Finding out years later is a DDay for them.

betrayedks,

You made a strong move.

Yes, the consensus advice is to tell the obs yourself, and be part of the conversation with the kids. But those are things you still have the power to handle.

But all in all, I hope you feel a new sense of strength. You reached the breaking point and you refused to accept any more of it. Well done.

Stay strong and all the best to you in your healing.

We decided not tell the kids yet. When we had the last blowup/meltdown/tearfest, I told her we would tell everyone this past weekend. My wife said she was unprepared and pleaded with me to delay for a short time. She wanted to make sure she had her thoughts together and not blow this one chance to get this right. Also she did not move out due to financial considerations and the only other option is moving in with her parents which would blow her world up as she is extremely ashamed for her parents to find out the truth. So much so that it is terrifying to her.

We have been separated under our roof, but trying to be civil in front of the kids. At this point no one knows about the A but her and me, the AP and my priest. So I agreed to wait in order to protect my kids from hearing this in the wrong way.

So on Sunday, my wife says, I don't think I can go through with the divorce. It floored me. I asked why the change of heart. She said everything is happening so fast, she went to see the lawyer, and it all scared her. We had just enjoyed a wonderful weekend with the kids, a family member's birthday party Friday night, a BBQ with our kids and their friends on Saturday. It was great. This is the way our family time has mostly been these past 23 years. Good times spent together as a loving whole family.

I believe she fears losing all of that. I asked her what she wants, and she replied she does not know. I asked her what she wants to do--again, she replied I don't know. I asked her what she wanted me to do--same answer--I don't know. I then told her this new development is very confusing to me considering she had spent so much time preparing to divorce me. I need to know what it is she wants. She said she wants to work on the marriage, but where she is at now took a long time to get there, so this will not be easy or happen right away, and that I need to be patient. She even came back to our bed Sunday night, which I saw as a step in the right direction. No physical touch outside of a hug here and there though. Then she said, “I don't want to give you false hope.” Which she said to me means she is not ready to reconcile and repair the broken marriage, but rather take more time to “see what happens”. How the fu** do I respond to this? She wants to take time and talk about this. Because of this statement, I believe she is not invested. I told her I am all in and will do whatever has to be done to fix our broken marriage, find a way to forgive and heal, and be the man she married. She said does not love me like she used to. She wants to take time to communicate to be sure we did not throw this all away without having talked through all the issues we have, and just file for divorce while have been so angry and said so many horrible things to each other. (I said some really bad sh** to her last week after finding out about her breaking the NC agreement). So, IMO there is a really thin chance we can reconcile. I am hopeful by even having the chance, but to me it seems like a real long shot. She has deceived me so many times, and in so many unbelievable ways that I could not have imagined her doing, in my paranoia I fear this is a delaying tactic. The AP is on the fence and as far as I know not left his wife, but there is NC since 2/15 (we both sent NC texts to the AP at the same time) to the best of my knowledge. I set boundaries that breaking NC was a deal breaker, and that we must communicate often, and share our true feelings. No more holding everything in which got us to where we are now. No more locked iPhone, with openness and transparency. Am I pursuing a lost cause? Am I being played for a fool (again) hoping to repair a marriage in which I am the only one that appears willing to 100% do so at this time? Or is this the chance God is giving us to make things right? Do I need to give her time to think and consider what she has done/is doing?

She needs to be chasing you, not the other way around. She sounds like she is still on the fence. I would file and see if she really tries to come back.

Right now, you are kind of playing the pick me game. "I'll do whatever it takes" is code for, I'll fix it all and you don't have to do anything.

You're doing way too much and she's doing nothing so far as I can tell.

Coming to the bed? A hug? What work is she doing while you're in tears?

You said some mean shit? She cheated on you!!

So you're already telling her you will forgive her, and basically woo her back into the marriage. And she's telling you she doesn't know if she loves you,doesn't know what she wants,etc.

She's not remorseful. She's not willing to do any of the heavy lifting, and she has you thinking she..the lying unremorseful cheater..is the prize?

I suppose you can rugsweep, and remain married. But you will be "reconciling" with a WS who had zero consequences, and knows she can cheat again..and you will take her back,welcoming her with open arms.

I think the reason she is "undecided" is because she's waiting to see if OM is going to leave his wife. His wife who, btw, still has no clue about the affair.

You need to call his wife and tell her. Offer her a copy of any evidence you have. Do not tell your WW, or she will warn him, and by the time you talk to his wife, she will have been told you are dangerous,abusive, and accusing all of your wife's male acquaintances of having an affair with her. And..She's supposed to be NC..so if she tells you she knows you talked to his wife, you know she's talking to him.

It's really super unfair that his wife doesn't know. You know. So do the two cheaters. And all of you are making decisions for her. Man up and tell his wife the truth..finally.

I told her we would tell everyone this past weekend. My wife said she was unprepared and pleaded with me to delay for a short time. She wanted to make sure she had her thoughts together and not blow this one chance to get this right. Also she did not move out due to financial considerations and the only other option is moving in with her parents which would blow her world up as she is extremely ashamed for her parents to find out the truth. So much so that it is terrifying to her.

Stop feeling sorry for her, she's already doing plenty of that for herself.

Expose, expose, expose.

Exposing is a great way to force her to remove her head out of her ass and make actual decisions.

I believe she fears losing all of that. I asked her what she wants, and she replied she does not know. I asked her what she wants to do--again, she replied I don't know. I asked her what she wanted me to do--same answer--I don't know. I then told her this new development is very confusing to me considering she had spent so much time preparing to divorce me. I need to know what it is she wants. She said she wants to work on the marriage, but where she is at now took a long time to get there, so this will not be easy or happen right away, and that I need to be patient. She even came back to our bed Sunday night, which I saw as a step in the right direction. No physical touch outside of a hug here and there though. Then she said, “I don't want to give you false hope.” Which she said to me means she is not ready to reconcile and repair the broken marriage, but rather take more time to “see what happens”. How the fu** do I respond to this? She wants to take time and talk about this. Because of this statement, I believe she is not invested. I told her I am all in and will do whatever has to be done to fix our broken marriage, find a way to forgive and heal, and be the man she married. She said does not love me like she used to. She wants to take time to communicate to be sure we did not throw this all away without having talked through all the issues we have, and just file for divorce while have been so angry and said so many horrible things to each other. (I said some really bad sh** to her last week after finding out about her breaking the NC agreement). So, IMO there is a really thin chance we can reconcile. I am hopeful by even having the chance, but to me it seems like a real long shot. She has deceived me so many times, and in so many unbelievable ways that I could not have imagined her doing, in my paranoia I fear this is a delaying tactic. The AP is on the fence and as far as I know not left his wife, but there is NC since 2/15 (we both sent NC texts to the AP at the same time) to the best of my knowledge. I set boundaries that breaking NC was a deal breaker, and that we must communicate often, and share our true feelings. No more holding everything in which got us to where we are now. No more locked iPhone, with openness and transparency. Am I pursuing a lost cause? Am I being played for a fool (again) hoping to repair a marriage in which I am the only one that appears willing to 100% do so at this time? Or is this the chance God is giving us to make things right? Do I need to give her time to think and consider what she has done/is doing?

Stop accepting scraps.Don't put up with all this shit, until she's ready to spin a story to her parents and friends and leave you on her own.

[This message edited by xrnpc at 12:49 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

You never told his wife?????

Please do this now.

You need some help translating the wayward speak you are getting from your wife. Let me help you with that...

So on Sunday, my wife says, I don't think I can go through with the divorce. It floored me. I asked why the change of heart. She said everything is happening so fast, she went to see the lawyer, and it all scared her.

The lawyer told her what she was likely to get, financially, in a divorce. It's less than what she was expecting.

I asked her what she wants to do--again, she replied I don't know. I asked her what she wanted me to do--same answer--I don't know.

She said she wants to work on the marriage, but where she is at now took a long time to get there, so this will not be easy or happen right away, and that I need to be patient.

My AP is still fence sitting. I need more time to see if he chooses me.

Then she said, “I don't want to give you false hope.”

You are plan B.

She said does not love me like she used to. She wants to take time to communicate to be sure we did not throw this all away without having talked through all the issues we have, and just file for divorce while have been so angry and said so many horrible things to each other.

I need time to figure out how to explain to people/children/parents it was all your fault when we do split.

I'm all for reconciling with a WS who is committed to reconciling and doing everything and anything he or she can to make reconciliation happen. Trying to reconcile with an unremorseful spouse is an invitation to disaster. It really just gives them more time to plan their exit strategy, usually to the BS's detriment.

Ask yourself this, and be honest....if the AP left his wife, would your wife still be with you?

I agree with xrnpc.

Look, I am asking you to rad this thread as though it was one of your best friends posting here. What would you tell him ?

Your wife is in self preservation mode, not in marriage preservation mode. I know you have a lot to lose but you have to protect yourself. While all of these people here are awesome and do a great job here, and have been through it before, only you can act for yourself.

What is your hold up ?

File and expose and see what she does

[This message edited by Western at 1:08 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but you really need to think about what you want.

She is waiting to see if her AP will come available. If he doesn't then you win and she will decide to stay with you. If he does, he wins and he get this lovely woman that will cheat again the next time a shiny new guy comes along.

You know you are plan B. She has been consistent that she wants the AP more than anything.. There would be no "I don't knows" if she wanted R. She is willing to settle for R if the stars ling up and AP says he is staying with his wife. At least until the next guy to complement her comes along.

You know what you need to do. I understand that you are scared, and hurt for your kids. But she is only committed to you in an extremely tentative way, actually not committed at all. Your supposed to wait around to see if she decides she wants to commit. You deserve better than this. Your kids deserve better than this. This A needs to be exposed, you need to file, she needs to see a man who is willing to stand up for himself in a defined and controlled way. Make a plan to get out of infidelity.

Honestly, if you want the hurt to ever end this is the only option you have.

Betrayed, I agree with the others. You are doing the "pick me " dance. You are wishing and hoping that your wife chooses you over her boyfriend. You are giving her all the control. If I my wife came to me and said she didn't know if she wanted to stay married , I would have made that decision for her. And you are helping her keep her dirty little secret. There's a saying here that we must be willing to lose our marriage in order to save it. Please let that statement sink in. And why haven't you told the OBS yet?

her parents finding out HELPS you.

expose. tell obs.

A few things...

She said everything is happening so fast, she went to see the lawyer, and it all scared her.

Yes, cheaters lie, but I think there could be a few nuggets of truth there. When they're with their AP's everything is true luuurve and unicorn farts. The reality of the situation is often a slap in the face.

I then told her this new development is very confusing to me

Of course. That was the whole point of telling you.

She said she wants to work on the marriage, but where she is at now took a long time to get there, so this will not be easy or happen right away, and that I need to be patient.

"Working on the marriage" is so generic as to be almost entirely meaningless. And let me decode "be patient" for you: "I'm going to sit here on this fence and eat cake for a while. I might come down on one side or the other eventually. Or not."

She wants to take time and talk about this. Because of this statement, I believe she is not invested.

Correct.

I told her I am all in and will do whatever has to be done to fix our broken marriage, find a way to forgive and heal, and be the man she married.

Probably a tactical mistake there...might want to walk that one back. She needs to be the one to commit first... and in a way far more meaningful than a mealy mouthed claim about wanting to "work on the marriage."

So, IMO there is a really thin chance we can reconcile.

Based on what?

She has deceived me so many times, and in so many unbelievable ways that I could not have imagined her doing, in my paranoia I fear this is a delaying tactic.

I think you're right.

but there is NC since 2/15 (we both sent NC texts to the AP at the same time) to the best of my knowledge.

How do you know? Did she give up the burner phone? Even if so, I wouldn't just assume they haven't found some new clandestine method of communicating.

Am I pursuing a lost cause? Am I being played for a fool (again) hoping to repair a marriage in which I am the only one that appears willing to 100% do so at this time?

I don't know if you're being played or if this is a lost cause, but I do think you may be getting your hopes too high, too soon. The best you can say is that she has moved from one side of the fence to sitting squarely on top of it. I guess that could be considered progress of some sort, but the fence is still a bad place for her to be, a place that still does emotional harm to a BS and to future potential for R.

Personally, I think you need to force the issue. Expose to her parents, expose to your kids (in as kind a way as you can), and most importantly expose to the AP's BW. Maybe even pre-emptively file for divorce on your own. You can always stop the proceedings if she comes around. But do not let her sit on the fence. Even if she chooses D, you will be better off.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 2:48 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

I think AP is not committing that is the reason she is playing for time. Coming to your room may be a tactic to confuse you. Read the long comment by wk55hn on the thinking process of the ww and why she decided to pretend she want back in to the marriage. Be careful

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=599423&AP=381

Stern actions also work in your favor - your asking her to leave may also have resulted in her change of plans (what ever they are)

You need to ask her - do you like to be with the AP

[This message edited by goalong at 7:26 PM, February 23rd (Thursday)]