Newest Member: Qashess

I Can Relate :
Codependency & Loving Too Much

Topic is Sleeping.
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sootired ( member #22952) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

thank you for this. I am def. a CSV-3. My WW exhibits strong signs of BPD. It seems from what I have read and seen that it is a disastrous combination. And yet I keep finding myself looking for ways to fix her and keep feeling so sorry for her. I know that her upbringing has created who she is (at least the upbringing as told by her). That hurts me because, if true, it isn't her fault, but I am getting crushed emotionally. I could deal with just about any of it, but the PAs and EAs are too much.

The funny thing was that I was always a fiercely independent, if not slightly lonely, person prior to meeting her. I have been going through some hard emotions these last few days and CoD is a big concern for me. I see it in my brother as well, always rescuing the next damsel in distress.

Me 50 BH
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorcing
what she has done pushed you away, should you now have an affair? No. So why does she get that excuse?

posts: 513   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 7766057
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MsPI ( new member #56729) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, February 1st, 2017

I guess this is where I belong.

Can somebody beat it into me, please ? I don't need him to live, my kids are grown except for the little one...he's done the most disrespectful shit...wtf is wrong with me? I know I can do better and deserve it.

I'm fine til I see him with someone else. That's when that out of control rage kicks in. We're no good for each other anymore

posts: 35   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017   ·   location: LA
id 7773268
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 7:23 PM on Thursday, February 9th, 2017

I am -3 CSV to the core but am working hard at changing. The harder I look at this, the more I question my reasons for staying in this M. FWIW, my father was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic with severe PTSD. My childhood can be best described as controlled chaos.

MsPI - someone had to beat this into me too. That someone was Melody Beattie - read her book Co Dependent No More - it's one hell of an eye opener.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:24 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7781366
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Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 3:03 AM on Friday, February 10th, 2017

Thank you for starting this thread. I read Women Who Love Too Much awhile ago and I think it's time for a reread. I'm in a much better place than I was the first time I read it and have already been tackling some things, but now feel motivated to do more.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

posts: 1792   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2016
id 7781710
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:38 AM on Friday, February 10th, 2017

onlytime, thanks for fighting so hard for this tread.

SI Staff, thanks for giving into onlytime's persistence. It was only a matter of time, after all.

As the BH of a highly CoD WW, it was extremely hard to read onlytime's original thread about it in G. It's astounding how much I've learned from that thread and from members willing to share.

The harder I look at this, the more I question my reasons for staying in this M.

Now, this, right here, certainly caught my attention, MissesJai. I've been thinking about this since I read something similar from you a while ago.

So, I wonder... how many people with strong CoD tendencies do the same thing? And the flip-side, of course, is whether or not my FWW's tendencies were a big part of what I found so attractive about her so many years ago. Will I like the person she changes into? Will she like me? Herself? I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R? What happens to a person when they learn to cope with their tendencies towards codependency?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:39 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7781727
wink1

GraceisGood ( member #17686) posted at 6:11 PM on Sunday, February 12th, 2017

I have been working on this myself for several years. I have read two of the books mentioned here, going through Beattie again right now.

Unhinged, I think you have some very valid and perceptive questions. I think the fact that you are aware (and hopefully your W is too) of these aspects that you will be open and aware enough to get where you want to be. For me I think being aware, knowing that changes will happen, being willing to ask the questions, to search, to explore both individually as well as together is helpful. Those who do not want a change, who fight change, who do not support growth and healthy exploration struggle when one partner takes the journey instead of trying to take it together. I know we all cannot take our journeys completely together for we are all different but by together I mean supporting each other in a healthy manner, being willing to realize that change and growth can be messy, that mistakes can happen and while we should not tolerate poor behavior, that grace can be extended during the awkward rough patches that do occur.

When a little one transitions from crawling to walking those around them encourage their faltering steps, do not shame them when they revert back to crawling a bit, or chide them for not walking perfectly right away. The little one figures it out on their own, in their own way, at their own pace, but those around them take the journey with them.

I think as we grow and change it is good to be mindful of those around us and where they are. Those who truly do love us, who are not detrimental to our health should be granted grace while dealing with our changes imo, just as they should grant us grace as we take wobbly steps towards a new way of being.

I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R?

For me it influenced all my decisions, it was the underlying subconsious foundation/motivation. I was/am the type of CoD that thought people treated me the way they did because of who I was. Learning that others treat me the way they do because of who they are has been life changing for me. I can still behave out of the automatic life long habit of this subcoscous, I do not always make choices/decisions mindfully. Sometimes I will catch myself, sometimes it is much later and I have to figure out how to deal.

I am grateful for this topic to be shared. I have a ton of questions but will do some more reading of the first page before I go crazy posting. I will share this one thing though to see what kind of feed back I may get to help me understand. Since D-day I have gone to a transformational workshop, tried IC and tried CODA meetings. Each things has been hugely disappointing to me. They were all disappointing to me because I wanted more, I wanted to go deeper and none would. The workshop had limitations of what could be covered (it was just a 4 day workshop, I get that, but I felt like I had to reign myself in constantly, constantly bite my tongue, constatnly wait and hope for more that never came). IC was the same, they wanted to go at their pace, I was required to again wait and reign myself in. CODA meetings were excruciating, sitting there just listening, not being able to ask questions, no back and forth just listening. I wonder if part of this is because I am the type of CoD that does not take charge, I worked very hard to make myself small from as far back as I can remember, minimize my needs, focus on others needs, follow their rules, etc. I was a follower, I did not try to control things (yes I did by trying to control myself to meet others wants/needs, to keep the peace, etc. ) so maybe part of this struggle is that I am finally willing to take risks, to stretch myself, and so on that it feels like it is almost like being slapped back down. I know there is something I am missing here, something I am not seeing or understanding correctly but this bothers me. I do still tend to make myself small, put others first, etc. but it is not to the extent it was, again it is the automatic vs the mindful, I slip into automatic when life is hectic, I am exhausted etc. I try to be mindful, I try to take time etc., I do succeed at times also, it is not just me trying but not doing (as Yoda would say), I am also doing, trying to acknowledge my changes, growth, while also being aware of what still needs work.

I would be more than appreciative of any insight you all might have.

Thanks,

GIG

We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

posts: 3659   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2008   ·   location: how far the east is from the west
id 7783591
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 6:52 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2017

I'm reading Women Who Love Too Much at the moment and wow. I can't recommend it enough.

So, I wonder... how many people with strong CoD tendencies do the same thing? And the flip-side, of course, is whether or not my FWW's tendencies were a big part of what I found so attractive about her so many years ago. Will I like the person she changes into? Will she like me? Herself? I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R? What happens to a person when they learn to cope with their tendencies towards codependency?

Unhinged, you know this is a recurring "theme" in my work as of late. It's not an easy place to find yourself as now I question everything.

As for the flip side, honestly, only time will tell. The fact that you've done so much work and continue to do the work will be incredibly helpful as you move through this. I really don't know what's going to happen with my M and TBH, I'm not worried.

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7784322
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 11:30 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2017

Another author that has been very helpful to me is Lisa A Romano. She has books and also has a ton of YouTube videos that I watched all of the time the first 6 months I realized I was Codependent.

Thanks for this thread!!

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 241   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 7796777
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2017

I highly recommend Women Who Love Too Much after you've read CoD No More - one just builds on the other. My eyes are wide open as a result.

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7797140
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noname7 ( member #53890) posted at 10:09 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2017

I Just found this! I'm so glad to see it finally got started.

Me BW
WH
DD
DD
DSD 25
I don't PM male members.
Married 18yrs 4 mos @dday
Together 22

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2016
id 7799332
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, March 6th, 2017

I believe I tend toward codependency. But I do not fit the mold in many ways. I had what I consider a very fortunate childhood, loved very much by both parents, parents having a loving marriage, etc.

I have been married now 3 times. I think because they have not lived up to my parents example. Maybe my not wanting to leave is facing failure x 3, but it is mostly due to being caregiver for my disabled husband. Also, I love him. And most importantly, I will feel better about myself to know that I stayed and cared for him than to abandon him to an unknown future - needing help for the most basic of daily living skills - just so I could persue the desire to be a bit more happy.

It's not so much for him, as it is for my opinion of myself.

I will be reading the 2 books recommended. I know that some of it applies to me.

I will say this.....even if it is an unpopular opinion. I don't believe a person can "love too much". I just believe some love can be unhealthy in the way it is manifested, as opposed to its amount.

JMHO.

I'll save any more opinions until after I read the books!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 7:06 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I don't believe a person can "love too much". I just believe some love can be unhealthy in the way it is manifested, as opposed to its amount.

I am inclined to agree with you - I think it's more of loving obsessively.

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7803190
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tessthemess ( member #56395) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I used to always think that if I gave it my all, even when the going was bad, and accepted the bad, then I was being a good person. I know now that being a good person means also being good to yourself, and I need to defend myself as much as I want to defend others. And I'd never let somebody else be treated the way I was. So now I truly think giving it your all comes with a limit, and to be kind you need to be tough.

Free Bird, 36. STBXH, 36
EA confirmed Nov. '16, PA exposed Dec 11, 2016.
No longer a mess.
Separated and heading towards D as of June 1, 2018.
"It's a good life if you don't weaken." - Gord Downie

posts: 1443   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2016   ·   location: The Great White North
id 7803214
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 12:41 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2017

The Human Magnet Syndrome is me & WH for sure.

Dday and before we were most likely -4 CSV for me and +4 CSV for WH.

We have both been working hard for the past 16 months and I would say we've moved to -3 & +3.

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to make it to -2, and then maybe -1. We'll see.

We have both figured out that we had Narc mom's. I had to care for my narc mom and WH had to constantly seek attention from his narc mom because she ignored him. We are so typical that it makes me sick to think of all of the time (30 years married) that we have wasted living in this pattern.

And when I think of the damage we've done to our kids, I just want to cry. Both are early 20's, I see my DD tending to the narc side of things. DS I'm not sure. He appears to be in a balanced relationship?? He may have come out of this ok on the spectrum but he still grew up in a crazy house. He was the easy child so co-dependency may still show up. He's 21 and early in a relationship....

Some days I just want to give up this fight for "normal", but typical codependent, I'm fighting so I can help my kids.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 241   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 7807047
happy

underrose ( new member #57827) posted at 2:16 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

Thank you so much for adding this topic. I have been lurking in the MPD thread but found that the fit was just "not right" but reading through the introduction here, realized this is where I belong. During my 2.5 years of IC was referred to Co-D but the only local group was AL-Anon and their problems were so much worse that mine I didn't keep going.

Married at 18, widowed at 50
Married ExH 10 years later; lasted 3 years 6 months and 1 day - but who is counting.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 7808502
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 10:31 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

I've been home alone for two days with all of this snow and it's given me too much time to think about how I've wasted my life in this pattern.

The more I think about it, the more I remember the clues I had 30 years ago and I wonder why I didn't get out then.

I remember 25 years ago telling my mom's best friend, that I wish my grandma was alive so I could ask her why she spoiled my mom. Why do I have to take care of my mom all of the time. My mom was in her late 40's at that time, she wasn't old.

On our wedding day was the first time my WH yelled at me. Our honeymoon he introduced me to porn (the only time we watched it together). Why didn't I get out then? Why did I continue to make excuses for WH behavior for 29 years? (I quit about a year ago)

I also wonder about my kids. DD appears to tend toward being a narc. DS tends toward codependent. I don't think either of them are like WH and I, so I pray that it doesn't affect their lives the way it has ours.

Back to work tomorrow and hopefully less time to think about all of the regrets.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 241   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 7809844
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 2:55 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2017

ah regrets. I know those well. I have several. Letting them go is easier said than done.

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7810004
concerned

underrose ( new member #57827) posted at 3:15 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2017

I will be rereading this since I found myself sucked back in. We were supposed to meet to go over taxes, ExH needed groceries so guess what? We went grocery shopping instead. I was able to stick to one boundary - the amount of time I would spend with him. He had never heard that word before "boundary" so I spelled it out for him, explained and left.

Married at 18, widowed at 50
Married ExH 10 years later; lasted 3 years 6 months and 1 day - but who is counting.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 7811947
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oceanluv ( member #57247) posted at 7:20 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2017

I think we all are CD in a M-but I realized how much to my detriment post Dday...working in it..

Me-BS 50
Him-WS 51
3 ONS FWB 2012-present
LTA 3 yrs
DDAy 11-26-16
DD 12 DS 13
15 years married
-----------------------------------
Bc often , the broken people we find and fall in love with and help heal wind up being ourselves.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2017
id 7812309
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 3:30 PM on Saturday, March 25th, 2017

how is everyone doing? it's up & down for me but the silver lining is I can now recognize when those CoD behaviors are kicking in - and I call myself out on it: "That's CoD MJ - cut it out". It helps tremendously.

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 7818639
Topic is Sleeping.
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