I have been working on this myself for several years. I have read two of the books mentioned here, going through Beattie again right now.
Unhinged, I think you have some very valid and perceptive questions. I think the fact that you are aware (and hopefully your W is too) of these aspects that you will be open and aware enough to get where you want to be. For me I think being aware, knowing that changes will happen, being willing to ask the questions, to search, to explore both individually as well as together is helpful. Those who do not want a change, who fight change, who do not support growth and healthy exploration struggle when one partner takes the journey instead of trying to take it together. I know we all cannot take our journeys completely together for we are all different but by together I mean supporting each other in a healthy manner, being willing to realize that change and growth can be messy, that mistakes can happen and while we should not tolerate poor behavior, that grace can be extended during the awkward rough patches that do occur.
When a little one transitions from crawling to walking those around them encourage their faltering steps, do not shame them when they revert back to crawling a bit, or chide them for not walking perfectly right away. The little one figures it out on their own, in their own way, at their own pace, but those around them take the journey with them.
I think as we grow and change it is good to be mindful of those around us and where they are. Those who truly do love us, who are not detrimental to our health should be granted grace while dealing with our changes imo, just as they should grant us grace as we take wobbly steps towards a new way of being.
I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R?
For me it influenced all my decisions, it was the underlying subconsious foundation/motivation. I was/am the type of CoD that thought people treated me the way they did because of who I was. Learning that others treat me the way they do because of who they are has been life changing for me. I can still behave out of the automatic life long habit of this subcoscous, I do not always make choices/decisions mindfully. Sometimes I will catch myself, sometimes it is much later and I have to figure out how to deal.
I am grateful for this topic to be shared. I have a ton of questions but will do some more reading of the first page before I go crazy posting. I will share this one thing though to see what kind of feed back I may get to help me understand. Since D-day I have gone to a transformational workshop, tried IC and tried CODA meetings. Each things has been hugely disappointing to me. They were all disappointing to me because I wanted more, I wanted to go deeper and none would. The workshop had limitations of what could be covered (it was just a 4 day workshop, I get that, but I felt like I had to reign myself in constantly, constantly bite my tongue, constatnly wait and hope for more that never came). IC was the same, they wanted to go at their pace, I was required to again wait and reign myself in. CODA meetings were excruciating, sitting there just listening, not being able to ask questions, no back and forth just listening. I wonder if part of this is because I am the type of CoD that does not take charge, I worked very hard to make myself small from as far back as I can remember, minimize my needs, focus on others needs, follow their rules, etc. I was a follower, I did not try to control things (yes I did by trying to control myself to meet others wants/needs, to keep the peace, etc. ) so maybe part of this struggle is that I am finally willing to take risks, to stretch myself, and so on that it feels like it is almost like being slapped back down. I know there is something I am missing here, something I am not seeing or understanding correctly but this bothers me. I do still tend to make myself small, put others first, etc. but it is not to the extent it was, again it is the automatic vs the mindful, I slip into automatic when life is hectic, I am exhausted etc. I try to be mindful, I try to take time etc., I do succeed at times also, it is not just me trying but not doing (as Yoda would say), I am also doing, trying to acknowledge my changes, growth, while also being aware of what still needs work.
I would be more than appreciative of any insight you all might have.