Yes, we have a 3 storey house with a finished basement. So one of us will go to the basement if needed. That gives us space within our home.
by refusing to engage with him while he is under the influence, you can start to protect your own emotional well-being
I really recognize the need for this! Sometimes his hurtful words get the better of me and I respond, defend myself, try to have him see sense. It’s uselss in the moment, I know. At some point I realize this and tell him I am done talking to you while your drunk. He is not a violent or aggressive drunk. Just really stupid and self centred!!! I can try to enforce boundaries that he stays downstairs if he is drinking. When he is drunk though I am unsure if he will comply.
As long as his addiction(s) remain active, and he doesn't do the work to transform himself, your feelings don't and won't matter to him, and he will continue to avoid anything that makes him feel uncomfortable and try to drag you down with him.
This is so true but hard to see when in the middle of the craziness!!! I feel like from the outside, I would look very weak and stupid to all. On the inside I am blind sighted with gaslighting, minimizing, pathologist lying and empty promises and denial. It has done a number on my mental health, stability and sense of reality. This toxic environment is my normal, when I share it is when I realize how not normal it is.
if you know he is planning on meeting up with someone else for sex, why are you still engaging with him at all
Thank you for asking me to help you understand! It may help me understand to answer this. I don’t want to engage sexually with him but want to prepare my approach to him about what I know. I want to gain evidence to have when he tries to mess with my mind about it all. It has helped in a way to see how he can so effortlessly live a double life. I don’t want to engage further but want to obtain legal advice without his knowledge first. I also want to try not to react and instead build my knowledge around seperation/divorce as well as see my IC before approaching him. Both appointments are Wednesday. The reason for this is that I know his response will be high conflict. It will create more toxicity in my life until it is settled. I am not ready for that. I expect he will drink more, blame me, plead with me empty promises, use the kids against me. Either way he responds, he will be the victim. It will be about his depression, PTSD, child abuse, he may claim to be suicidal. I expect he will not follow a separation agreement, pick his kids up when he shouldn’t, blame me for not seeing them whenever he wants, show up to the house unexpected. Rules have never applied to him so I know they won’t in this case either. He has some true narcissistic traits that I fear. Not violence but all the other crazy traits. He already moans around the house when he doesn’t get his way saying ‘no one loves me, mommy doesn’t want to snuggle me’ to our kids who are 5&7. Then I look like the bad one and they ask me why I don’t want to snuggle daddy. So I continue to engage until I have the strength and knowledge to leave or ask him to leave. Also, I have been trying to obtain evidence of his drinking and infidelities. Drinking to help with child custody and infidelities to have something to throw in his face when he denies and tries to manipulate my truths.
He has done nothing to change but it does still shock me his sense of entitlement, in his dysfunctional mind he actually believes I should be having sex with him too. How he can think that while carrying on as he does is mind boggling. I feel like most affairs there may be an avoidance of sex due to guilt but not him.
As for his apology, although meaningless, I think I take comfort from feeling validated and heard. As I spend so much time feeling voiceless and discarded. So an apology means he hears and sees the pain he caused. He may actually see it but I don’t think he is capable of true empathy. I doesn’t make me feel safe but validated and acknowledged instead.
Yea I do think I can stand my ground a bit more and enforce boundaries. Yet I am not ready for the consequence of it. The moodiness, blame shifting, walking on egg shells, trying to parent with him. Today he is at work and sending me pics of camping trailers. So unrelated to our problems. I recognize this pattern now too, when things get rough or he is threatened he plans a trip or big purchase. That is how we ended up going to disney, he planned it months after I found it about his 2 year affair...I am still trying to find a way to say I don’t want to buy a trailer. I can’t believe he is trying to plan a summer of camping with us at this point. So far I have ignored his texts and now am getting why aren’t you responding texts