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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Bella5 posted 4/9/2018 17:33 PM

Hi OneInTheSame...It probably doesn't matter if your spouse has an affair with a same sex partner, opposite sex partner, if your gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. When you're partner cheats on you it is betrayal. That hurts no matter what!

Ifeelalone posted 4/9/2018 21:10 PM

My husband was doing the same thing. The fact you found the email means he's been doing this a long time and you have way more your need to learn, process, and then make decisions you're comfortable with (once you have the facts)! Sorry you are here- it's terrible, but gets better with time.

Bella5 posted 4/10/2018 15:54 PM

Ifeelalone...this is what I fear...that he was having same sex hookups throughout our 35 year marriage. He also may have had a serious relationship as well. Who knows, certainly not me!
How did you start to move on from this?

Ifeelalone posted 4/12/2018 16:10 PM

I think you start by taking one day at a time.

I think the same sex hookups were so shocking and out of character for my husband it helped me realize how out of control his entire life had become... and that it had absolutely nothing to do with me- at all, and how could it. It also helped that I had a relative go through a similiar thing so I had knew I had unbiased opinions about what was happening.

But I think most importantly I got what I believe to be the truth from my husband (well truth enough) to understand what I was and was not dealing with. Without honesty and truth you couldn't possibly move forward- and certainly not move forward with a spouse who was still hiding and lying.

Also, I have little children that I love dearly, so a lot of energy has been refocused from my (sham) of a marriage to my children and career- both of which are doing much better.

Truth is, most days I very much dislike everything about my husband and I still spiral into the abyss of victimhood- But I'm working hard to not do that!

Good luck, this adds just another layer to the crazy shit show we are in that we didn't even know about.

Makesmewannapuke posted 4/12/2018 16:36 PM

Bella5 -

Just wanted to say sorry you're here but glad you found us. It's so important to know that you are absolutely not alone!

You said it yourself that it doesn't matter who your spouse chooses to have an affair with; it is the worst betrayal and it hurts SO badly. Keep reaching out for support in whatever forum you find it. There's a lot of great reading all over in here and I've found helpful things in most every category.

But I think most importantly I got what I believe to be the truth from my husband (well truth enough) to understand what I was and was not dealing with. Without honesty and truth you couldn't possibly move forward- and certainly not move forward with a spouse who was still hiding and lying.
I think what Ifeelalone said ^^^ is the most important thing moving forward. You and your H have A LOT of big things to discuss but you both have to be honest and truthful about it all.

And I don't know if I'm allowed to mention this but I've found another group, Straight Spouse Network, that is a wonderful resource for people like us. I've found a lot of benefit there, as well.

Sending you strength as you work through this.

DogsnBooks posted 4/12/2018 17:37 PM

Good luck, this adds just another layer to the crazy shit show we are in that we didn't even know about.

Couldnít have said it better myself. Affairs are already confusing and painful ... I feel like I just keep uncovering new ďlayersĒ and Iím not sure how Iím ever supposed to heal.

cypress posted 5/11/2018 00:00 AM


How are you doing now? I can relate so much to your situation.

curvish posted 5/22/2018 18:38 PM

Hi everyone. This is my first horrifying week and I am in a lot of pain. Can anyone tell me if they have had a conversation during R about sites like doublelist.com or craigslist where men advertise for no reciprocal blow jobs? How does that work? Are tips given? Are payment for services expected? Did your guy buy condoms before he went? The the hook up have condoms readily available? Did your guy get a blow job while wearing a condom? (seems far fetched) but that is the story I have been given. Probably another lie. Where did your guy meet up with them? For random sex was it a hotel? Are there really a bunch of sex addicts who are willing to give a free blow job?

AbMomma posted 5/24/2018 23:10 PM

I feel a round of nunchucku practice is in order after reading all this. Mind movies--ahhh yes. 8 months out and I still seek confirmation that I'm really what he wants....and then that evil little demon on my shoulder whispers, "but are you enough? And for how long? What else don't you know?" He swears consistently that I am...but I'm cynical even in the face of concerted reconciliation. Surprise.

I'm still fighting depressed moods and random,truly maddening thoughts. I'm so fucking tired...Is it horrible that part of me wishes life would just take me out And be done with it? I want to get off this rollercoaster before I completely lose my marbles!!!

Lovingmyselfmore posted 5/27/2018 17:31 PM

Hi good people in the same gender forum,

I just felt inspired to come here an read what is happenning (if anything is happening here).

I am so sorry that there's new people in here. I remember the first time I came to this forum how destroyed I was, how I was suicidal all the time.

It has been almost 4 years now and I barely remember how I survived the first 2 years. It was literally survival day by day.

Now for me it seems like I was in hell and had to keep walking through it until I finished walking through it!

Discovering that my ex is bisexual was the worst thing that has ever happenned to me and I regret so much that I put him on a pedestal. He is a NPD and I sacrificed a lot of things in order to help him.

I couldn't believe what he was doing with another man.

I couldn't believe what he was doing to me (the love of his life, or so he told me many, many times during the years)

The pain is unbelievable, sometimes unbearable.

But it has an end.

And life continues. Maybe 2 years or 3 years ahead you will think of this as the worst nightmare but it will be in the past.

For me now is in the past and I am stronger and smarter because of what happened to me but I lost my innocence and it's hard for me to have the kind of dreams I used to have before dday.

I guess I was so naive in regard to how evil people can really be.

To anyone who is new here I would like to say this too shall pass and you are stronger than this.

You will have to be strong and during this time you will learn how strong your are. You will discover a lot about yourself and you will absolutely have to love yourself more than the other person in order to heal.

I wish I could take away your pain. I understand 100% how it is like in the first months or few years after discovery because it destroys your mind that they are cheating and with a same sex partner is incredible, out of reality (or at least it was for me) a REAL nightmare.

After almost 4 years I have had some adventures through chats that haven't led to anything yet but I guess I am still not ready for a relationship.

It's very well know in this forum that it takes 2 to 5 years to heal from this and I have read from many members that it really takes the WHOLE 5 years!

I guess i have another year more to go until I can say I am healed and happy again.

I hope so!

Hugs to everyone. This is the best place in the world for getting help and learn a LOT. Again I am so sorry that you are here.


CurseBreaker posted 6/26/2018 13:34 PM

Iím so glad, yet horrified, that Iím not the only one dealing with this. WH has had multiple APís- mostly male & trans. My health was not even an afterthought for him, I had to take him to school on D-day! STD Test was was all clear, hope #2 is same. All he cared (and still cares) about was (is) getting his rocks off and neglecting his duty as a parent. Itís good to know where his priorities lay...

sisoon posted 6/26/2018 17:07 PM

I was scared when I joined. I feared the general reaction would be that I was so unmanly that I drove my W into the arms of a woman.

Instead, I got treated as just anther BS (Betrayed Spouse). I am forever grateful to my fellow members.

This thread isn't very active. If you post something here and don't get a response, continue posting in G or R or JFO.

I like your ID - breaking the curse is a great thing to do.

trb84 posted 6/30/2018 12:52 PM

I am so grateful for the support on this forum. My WW former fiancť had sex with men numerous times during our engagement. Without knowing for sure that he was cheating he came out to me as bisexual. A month later he admitted to having sex with a man after he tested positive for an STD on my birthday last year. Through out the year I have been struggling to process and know the truth.

I still love and I am afraid to move on.

sisoon posted 7/1/2018 15:12 PM

Do you love him, or do you love some illusion?

You do not deserve to be betrayed - and this guy has betrayed you in a large number of ways.

Your posts indicate you stay with him because of fear of being alone or fear of not being able to attract another partner.

Sweetheart, sister, I fear you're in an abuse cycle. If I'm right, I hope and pray that you get away. Alone is MUCH better than being abused.

trb84 posted 7/2/2018 16:49 PM

Thatís a question Iíve asked myself and I feel I truly love the man who I knew before I found out he cheated on me.

Iíve been listening to the book ďAct like a lady, think like a manĒ. One of the reasons the authors believes men cheat is because they can and he will lie to protect the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. If the man doesnít try to hide it then he doesnít want to be with the woman. He also says that the woman must make requests to ensure the man takes her seriously after the man cheated.

At this point I cannot live with someone who cheated on me after I told him I didnít want him to cheat. I moved in hoping he would have responded positively to my request. I have made several other requests and he did not do them immediately but with hesitation. In your experience it seems like your spouse responded affirmatively to all of your resquests. I have no doubt that this is the man I was engaged to and I am hoping he will be that man again someday. Until then I am moving out and I fear moving forward with the dating pool because I donít fear dating as whole but rather I fear trusting someone I donít know at all. I donít feel like I can be trusted either because I am hesitant to open up like I did before.

[This message edited by trb84 at 4:50 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]

sisoon posted 7/2/2018 20:12 PM

I think men who cheat, like women who cheat lie to protect themselves. The idea that they're protecting their BSes is just another lie they tell themselves.

My evidence is that so many of us want to know the who-when-where-how-why of our WSes' cheating.

Very gently, I think the man you fell in love with is a part your WSO played to reel you in. I suspect the real WSO is a man who is conflicted about being gay or a sex addict. Remember - he has hidden a lot from you for a long time.

Yeah, my W realized she was effing up badly and decided to stop and fix herself, no matter what it cost her. A couple of questions from me led to her confession. Then consultation with her supervisor led to retirement (with small 401K).

BallofPain posted 8/10/2018 02:32 AM

Hey guys,

It has been such a long time. It's approaching my antiversary and I have found myself having a down day. It's no where near the level of the earlier years but it still hurts.

I saw this forum pretty low on the list and felt a flash of hope that fewer are going through what I went through. Though, I am sadder knowing that this still happens and I guess it will always exist. It makes me even sadder thst the betrayed are getting younger. It wasn't too long ago where I was one of if not the youngest here.

I don't know how I got through the first few months. I remember very vividly lying in bed in the morning. The pain, sorrow and confusion crushing down on me. I remember telling myself "I can't do this alone anymore. I need real help". I grabbed my phone, and called a few counsellors.

It's been 3 years. A lot has changed in that time. A lot can change even in a few months. That said, give yourself time. Give yourself the support you deserve and need.

I am slowly dipping a toe back into the dating game. It took me nearly 2 years to find a way to love myself and enjoy single life and the freedom that comes with it. One of my highlights comes from choosing a movie or a show to watch and going myself.

I am still battling some of the residual homophobia that came with this fiasco. It is especially difficult in this time and age as anytime I attempt to explain, I am met with harsh judgement. I have been forced to bottle it all in except around my trusted (very ironically) gay friend.

I wish you guy all the best in your journies. I hate that I'm here but relieved this forum exists.

sisoon posted 8/12/2018 10:08 AM

Hey, BoP! Good to hear from you.

Yup, recovery takes time, more time than anyone wants it to take.

megleigh posted 8/17/2018 11:51 AM

Just saying Hi! I'm 3 years divorced to a closeted gay guy. We're young and open-minded (I thought) and living in progressive Austin, TX. I had know idea this kind of thing could happen to me.

7 years married with one son. I found gay porn for years, then a dildo, then a penis pump, then another dildo, then craigslist ads and dating profiles. For those of you familiar with the lingo, he's a self-described otter who is into the same and prefers to bottom. What a mind fuck.

He was married to another women 1 year after we divorced. His straight dating profile said he was a "stable guy" looking for a "Christian gal."

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:11 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

cmego posted 8/21/2018 14:14 PM

*waving hello*

It's been many years now, over 8 years!!?? I'd have to really think to try and remember. Anyway, my ex will not go quietly and I posted in NB about issues with the kiddos, but wanted to pop in and offer support.

You WILL be ok.

I remarried almost 3 years ago...to a good man. There are still a very occasional trigger, but I"m happy to say gay men no longer trigger me at all. The biggest issue is ex is still an asshole and I won't be free of him until my kids are 18.

But, life goes on. I climbed out of the quicksand and moved forward. You guys will too

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