SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I stayed with my H after his affair, but I have a new beginning. My H died after a long illness and I am living alone for the first time in my 83 year life. I'm lonely sometimes, but on the whole, I'm OK. The only time I miss my H is when I want to share some news---like a classmate's death or a new greatgrandchild on the way. Somedays he doesn't cross my mind.

It has been a long time since I have visited this site. I remember when I found this site and reading all the stories. The hurt and pain was at times unbearable. Fast forward to today. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS UNBELIEVABLY BRIGHT!

I just want to let all people know who are suffering and hurting right now, you will be fine. Is it easy, no. Will you live the same as you have for years, no. Financially, will you be in a pinch, yes. Will you come through, yes! It will all be fine, because for the first time in many years YOU will be in control of ALL aspects of your life. And it will feel absolutely AMAZING!!!!

So hang in there. Be tough. Work on you. Baby steps. You will be happier and healthier in the end. But you will be free from that particular stress. And you will ENJOY your life! Oh yes, I am not sobbing in Florida anymore!

FYI.....I was in court 9 days from my 40th wedding anniversary. And I was happy after 8 years of total bullshit to be in this court. Freedom is wonderful. Enjoy your lives! Much luv to all.

[This message edited by sobbinginfla at 8:09 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

I have been married 54 years and my husband decides he wants a girly...he’s 80...whaaaaat...yep 80. I’m 79 years young and now what I suppose to do....men do not want a 79 year old woman....but I’m not really old....no divorce is going to happen....he has a business and he’s afraid I will half of it....I do t. Are about a divorce and I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!!!

Another one:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=628749

I just wanted to share my positive story for those who are still unsure and hurting. So here goes....

I met XWH#2 while in a divorce from XWH#1. I thought he was the sweetest man I had ever met. He called me Princess and treated me like one. I had never heard about love bombing, but that's exactly what it was. I thought we had a great marriage, we never fought, were OK financially, and told each other we loved each other daily. I was crushed when I found out about his LTA. We spent 3yrs in false R before I finally kicked him to the curb. I was sick with a failing liver through no fault of my own when the final DDay happened and he assaulted me. I had to sell my house/land after being there for 18yrs. We had built a house on my land and tied it all together. I was forced to sell it all and move into a tiny apartment due to my disability. XWH#2 was never there for me when I was sick due to my failing liver and lied to his family about why I was sick and what caused the failing liver.

Now for the positive new beginning story.... I was able to purchase some land and a house in another town after a year living in the apartment. Right before I moved, I met a man on OLD. He was nice, but not a love bomber. After dating for 2yrs, we got married. He has a wonderful job and was my rock during my recent liver transplant. He likes that I am now a SAHM to our two fur babies and doesn't want me to go back to work. This was what I always dreamed my life to be while married to two different WH's. I am now happy again and feel that I have been blessed after so much pain from my past.

It does get easier. You can find a new person who is authentic and loving if you look hard enough. You can be happy again. I am proof of "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger". I hope that someday you can also find a new positive beginning. (((HUGS)))

I look forward to the day when I can post a real positive story. But I'll put a few positive things here.

1. I am allowed to have friends again. And after disappearing for 13 years I'm pleasantly surprised that I still have friends. They have given me support that I didn't believe I would receive. I am grateful and humbled by them.

2. I no longer have to live in a marriage with no sex. I'm not actually having sex, but I don't have to live with the person who shunned me and degraded me any more.

3. I don't have to live in a house with annoying, trite signs saying stupid shit like "love" and "home is where the heart is" anymore. I don't want to live in a bed bath and beyond.

4. I get to have a dog.

5. I'm not the "go get me my coke/booze/prescription/whatever I suddenly crave" slave anymore.

6. My laundry is clean, folded, and put away. Not thrown into a giant pile of clothes. I also don't have to live in a outfit hoarders den any more. The woman bought an outfit from the goodwill that she had donated!!! Not making this up. Every closet in the house was packed with her clothes.

6. I don't have to live her lies anymore. She lives a lie 24 hours a day. The most inane shit.

7. I never have to spend a perfectly good Saturday at the mother in law's house ever again.

8. Don't have to listen to her snore while I try to sleep. Don't have to worry if she's gonna fall down the stairs while she's blacked out nightly on Ambien and rum. Not my problem.

9. Don't have to listen to her whine about her life constantly, always a victim. Always.

I can't wait to add to this list. 😀

This is an update:

I've been living with SO for a year, and life has been treating me well. All is good. We have been together for almost 10 years, but didn't move in together until last year.

11 years ago I was at my lowest point ever. But ever since then, life has become better and better. My sons are adults and are doing well. They suffered as teenagers through the divorce.

When life becomes difficult, you should see it as an opportunity to keep going strong! You are special and need to know this. It will get better.

[This message edited by BoardPearl at 4:53 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

It's been 7 years since D-Day, 6 years since D was final. I finally feel like I've come out the other side. I love/hated XWH for a long time and resented his NW. But now, he finally just somebody that I used to know! If you're going through the pain of infidelity, you know how big that is.

I'm finally free. There is no SO in my life. I'm not looking for one, but I wouldn't object to an SO showing up. But for now I'm looking forward to being a crazy cat lady.

It feels surreal to say that after all I’ve been through, I now feel joy. I know of at least three affairs, but I’m sure there were more. The last was after I’d quit my job and moved states away. I had no job. No insurance. No way to support myself or my kids if I left him. I was destroyed. Then , things got worst. I wrecked my car. No job means I can’t get another car. I felt trapped and literally wanted to die.

Somehow, I dig deep. I got angry. I did things I had to do to bring my kids home. I got a new job...and yes, I had to live with him for a year so I could save for the D.

Here’s the thing, I now am the happiest I remember being. I have peace. I’m in control of my life. My kids are adjusting. I’ve met a man who makes me smile and I trust him. Wow. Never ever thought I’d say that. Life is good again and I’d never go back.

I'm into my 8th year post Dday2, when I finally left with our 2 children (who were between the ages of 5 and 9 at the time). We were together for 16yrs, married for 11 at the time we left.

He became an addict (started with cocaine and alcohol, graduated to anything and everything after we left) the year our youngest was born. As with most addiction in families, there were times of sobriety in between times of active addiction. He would get clean long enough for me to trust, then slide back again. No infidelity at that time, that I'm aware of.

The infidelity started when we moved to a new city (for a fresh start). He had developed mental health issues from the substance abuse, and I was in it for sickness and health (unhealthy, but I didn't know what else to do).

Then I busted him with OW1. Kicked him out, he was gone for 6 months. I listened to his sob story about his mental health affecting his decisions. He used my loyalty against me and I allowed him back in the house because I wanted to save my marriage.

That lasted 6 months. Caught him again. This time, something was different for me. All those previous years of his mental health and addiction issues played into my own codepedent issues. He always told me he didn't know what he would do without me. And I believed him. But him CHOOSING to FUCK other women (twice) made me realize that it wasn't ME he needed. He just needed ANY woman.

I told him we were leaving. He threatened to kill himself. Then he ran into our basement (where he had been staying since I kicked him out previously) and locked the door behind him. I left the house with the kiddos and went to the neighbours. I called 911 from there. Police show up, I tell them what's going on and they go to check on him. The police come out about 20 minutes later, saying that my then husband was fine and he wasn't a danger to himself or others so they had no choice to but to leave him at home with us. The female police officer pulled me aside and said she wouldn't tell me what to do, but people like him that can wind people up and then present themselves as perfectly calm to authority are the scary ones that can't be trusted. She asked if I really wanted to raise the kids in this kind of an environment, where their dad was so far over the edge that trying to kill himself with the kids in the house was a good decision and yet he STILL refused treatment?

The kids and I never moved back into our house. The neighbours let us stay there (our kids went to school together so it was like a big sleepover, which I will forever be grateful to). Every day after work I looked for an apartment for the kiddos and I (needed to be in the school district so my options weren't plentiful) and I got lucky and found one down the street from the school.

The kids and I lived in a 2bedroom apartment for 4yrs while I worked on my career and money opportunities.

Now we live in a good sized house with room for all of us. I have an amazing career. I run a business on the side, because I'm still their only parent raising them. Their dad is still an active addict (I'm surprised he is still alive because now it's meth and opiodes and fentenyl).

I have a wonderful boyfriend (just celebrated one year). We won't be blending our families (his ex wife has similar issues to my ex husband). Our kiddos have been through enough. But we do a lot of family stuff together that they enjoy.

There is life after infidelity. There is also life after addiction. I just wish I had left sooner than I did. But life is now wonderful.

It is a little sad to see that people so seldom post here, and I've always been afraid to post here as well. I didn't want to post for any trivial thing. Quick backstory: In my last year of residency, and as I had accepted fellowships to amazing medical specialties, he started his first job as an attending physician, and I was in the midst of infertility treatments to try to start our family, X decided he just wasn't in love with me anymore and was in love with this therapist he met at work. I still remember the first time I had EVER suspected him of cheating on me, because I NEVER felt suspicion in my life. It was when he went to the city for a medical conference, and he said he would stay in the city because he drank too much and was staying with a colleague. It turned out, that while that story WAS true, he had already started his journey of limerence with the other woman. About two months later, when I asked if he would help me with some hormone injection, he broke down and confessed his feelings, and that while he had not yet slept with her, they were in love, and we were not, and he said he had only married me because he felt obliged, not out of love. I can't believe I actually believed that. I was so lucky to find this SI. It had really helped me hold it together sometimes. I tried very hard to stay with him and try to make it work. A relationship take two people. No matter how much you want it to work, if the other side stops caring, it is doomed. So I filed for divorce, and worked hard to get the most favorable settlement possible. Out of sheer luck I was able to get a nice settlement, and I finished my fellowships, and moved on.

It's still hard, because, while I rarely think about it anymore, when I do, there is still pain. My whole family felt pain, they had really adopted him in, and gave him everything as if he were blood. They helped him when he had trouble with his own residency program, took him in before we were married so he had a place nearby while he worked on getting another residency program, and finish his step exams. It affected them greatly, too, and I noticed we are now more careful whenever anyone in our family brings in a new partner. I realize there is no way he could ever repay me, but at least I could recoup my alimony, and I could be grateful that I did not share children with him, and that helped to sever that bond. The first thing I did was block his phone number and delete his contact from my phone (along with all his family). Then I scrubbed my social media of him (that was difficult). I threw out items that represented us, including all wedding mementos. The last thing I did was sell my engagement ring and wedding rings (he left his with me, which meant it was now mine to sell).

I still have a few years of alimony left, and it has served me well. The first alimony checks I sent straight to domestic abuse charities. Affairs of this nature are often portrayed as romantic, or a joke, but really, it is an abuse of trust and love, and an abuse of the relationship. It isn't classified as a form of domestic abuse, but maybe it should be. Eventually, I met someone who treats me well and I get along with fantastically. I kept him at arm's length for a long time, most probably because of my experience. However, I finally let him in, and we are now engaged. Although I have lost a lot of faith in humanity, I still have hope, and I am looking forward to blooming my relationship with this new person.

Most of all, I have to be very thankful to the support and guidance of everyone and everything around me. No matter how bad a situation is, it can always be worse, and a network of resources (while financial is great, human is most valuable, also don't forget the power of pets) has been priceless. I hope more people will be posting in this section, and more frequently.

There aren't enough posts in this topic.

It is very rare that I return to SI anymore, but I will be forever grateful to everyone helping here.

There has been enough time between DDay and now that I actually had to refer to my bio to remember the details. My signature states that I am 32 and my XWW is 31. I am now 41, about to be turning 42. It has been nearly 12 years since I started this horrible journey, since DDay 1. It has been over 10 years since DDay 2. The details no longer matter. An echo of the pain resurfaces occasionally, but it is that, only an echo. It is a reminder of what I have worked through, and these instances happen less and less often, to the point and it can be months between echos. All I have to do now is shake my head and recognize how happy I am now before it starts to fade away and it is once again forgotten within moments. Writing this has been the longest that I have dwelled on these emotions in ages. I can remember the hurt, remember the pain, that I went through. That is all now a part of me and I am stronger for it. I wouldn't be whole without it because it is part of me.

Enough of the past, onto the present. I couldn't be happier. This is stated so matter-of-factly, so understatedly, but it couldn't be bigger. I am happy, so very happy. I am now married again with two young children, D4, and S6. As a dad, oh how I wanted a little girl, and D4 might have me wrapped around her little finger. My oldest son, from my marriage with XWW, is just about to turn 20 (wtf, where does the time go) and is in the Navy and I couldn't be prouder of him. I essentially had full custody of him after the divorce as his mom would only have him for part of the summer and over some school vacations. Yeah, I couldn't be prouder of him. My wife, whom I've now been married to for over 7 years, makes me smile when I look at her just because of the love that is between us.

This is the other side of the spectrum to the pain and hurt after DDay. This happiness exists, it is real, and it is possible. Just as I couldn't fathom the hurt of infidelity before it happened to me, I also couldn't fathom the happiness and joy that I am experiencing now. I don't think I ever felt this way with my XWW, or this feeling was fleeting.

Once again, I can't thank those who help here enough. I can't empathize with those going through situations similar to mine enough. But I can also tell you that there is more happiness to come. What you are experiencing isn't the end nor will it forever be. Colors will be bright again. You will be able to breathe again, cry with joy, be happy, and be excited about the future.

I was just thinking about this site the other day. Thought I would pop in to say hello. My pretty bad divorce happened in 2003 to 2005. Yep, it took years. Not my doing.

We were in London.

After divorce I took the kids to Dublin. The ex reneged on the agreement re child support - I didn't bother chasing him. I just worked my b""t off. Brought them up on my own - son finished Med School a couple of years ago and daughter is in banking. It wasn't easy, but we made it.

It took me a while to figure ME out. The trick I, eventually, learned was to always say to myself with people "Would I do that"? If the answer was no, the behaviour was not acceptable. Easy!

Roll forward to 6 years ago I met a nice, very handsome and kind, American man in Portugal. The kids were in college. I said - what the heck - and up and moved to Portugal with the dogs. A fairly brave move?!

We are living the dream. You couldn't make it up.I am so glad I am not with the ex husband in my golden years. He was grumpy, selfish and very narcissistic. Life would have continued to be miserable.

So, while you are going through hell and back, dealing with betrayal and , maybe, divorce, just remember that a happy ending is possible!!

[This message edited by Backtosayhi at 10:18 PM, Thursday, May 26th]

I haven’t been here in a very long time. So much water under the bridge. But, my life is on the upswing!

Soon after I divorced xww, I started taking dance lessons - ballroom dancing! I had always loved 1940s big band music and wanted to move to it somehow, but I never knew what to do. So, I grabbed myself by the collar and went WAY outside my comfort zone and looked into swing dancing - and I LOVE it! I do swing dancing like the old jitterbug dancing in the 30s and 40s - lots of swing-outs, turns and swivels!

In addition, I discovered that a guy that can dance is VERY popular! I’m having such a terrific time - I hope I can encourage someone with "two left feet" to give it a try, because that’s where we all start. Then we learn and get better, do a ton of laughing, meet great people and have a great time!

p.s. I even met a terrific blond/blue divorcee that loves dancing as much as I do!

Infidelity almost killed me, unfortunately literally. After finding out my wife's affair, I fell into clinical depression (coupled with some hellish anxiety attacks) for approximately two years... including one suicide attempt. To put it simply, my xWW blamed her infidelity on my short-comings and I believed her.

After deciding to get divorced, I had about 4-6 weeks of almost delirious happiness. Basically, the weight of a failing marriage was off my shoulders, which was a major boost to my mental health. In hindsight, it was the divorce equivalent of hysterical bonding, but without all of the sex. I was simply happy to be free of the burden that was xWW.

As this period of bliss was ending, xWW started the legal battle that was my crazy divorce. At the same time, I met and began dating my current wife. My new partner has her own parallel history of bad marriages, although hers involved alcoholic partners whereas mine involved narcissistic partners. We are/were both co-dependent as hell, which makes for an interesting relationship for sure.

As awful as the divorce was, having a partner to help me through it was amazing. An interesting point is that I was required to do a psychological profile during the custody evaluation and I was identified as having trust issues. At the time, I just sarcastically commented that I had just got out of a marriage affected by infidelity, so that was no surprise.

However, in digging deeper, I *do* have trust issues. Virtually everyone in my life has violated my trust, including most of my romantic partners and most of my family of origin. I literally can identify only four people in my life prior to September 2018 who are/were trustworthy in hindsight (my father, my paternal grandfather, my cousin, and my uncle).

About 95% of my positive New Beginnings story is that I have found a fifth person that I can trust in my life: My wife, who I married in December 2022. We have very compatible personalities, political views, and life aspirations. But, more importantly, I am now in the first healthy romantic relationship of my life. Sure, we have our issues (mostly involving our co-dependency), but I never have those 'gut feelings' that she doesn't love me or that she is cheating on me.

In looking back, I've never had a relationship where I felt safe and secure. And if I did have a relationship that appeared to be safe and secure, I sabotaged that relationship. As my first therapist has said, I tend to associate emotional abuse with love and affection. I didn't want healthy; I wanted comfortable. And "comfortable" for me was an emotionally abusive relationship.

These days, I would describe myself as "calmly happy." It's not the deliriously happy that I experienced post-separation, but just a normal, healthy happy.

For the first time in my life, I feel like there is enough "space" in my marriage for

me

. I recently took a couple of days off of work for some "me time", which is something my wife supported and encouraged. In the past, time like this would never be allowed and if I did it anyway... there would be very vocal complaints in response about the fact that I was being selfish. This "me time" is a two-way street too, as my wife gets her "me time" whenever she wants. Even better, when she takes her "me time", I don't have that painful pit in my stomach that she is up to something nefarious.

My mental health is now as good as it has ever been. Although I was wrong to believe that xWW had an affair because of my shortcomings, I have shortcomings and the years of therapy have helped me tremendously. Co-workers and friends have openly commented that I am happier and calmer than they have ever seen me before. I haven't had depression symptoms since my divorce trial (it turns out that listening to my ex complain about me for 6 hours on the witness stand is not good for my mental health). I can vaguely recall having anxiety symptoms at work as recently as six months ago, but those also are mostly gone too. I definitely had lingering feelings of "being broken", but even those feelings are now gone. As my therapist once told me, there is nothing wrong with me other than the abuse that was inflicted on me. I am a kind, giving, and caring person, which are the traits that I admire, even if people (especially my wives and mother) can exploit those same traits for their own gain.

At the beginning of our relationship, my wife told me that eventually that I would get to the point where I would pity xWW and I am about there. Her entire life has been affected by trauma, which has turned her into the terrible person that she is. I have met her emotionally abusive mother and I have heard enough stories from her childhood; I understand the source of her trauma. These days, I treat xWW as the "ghost of marriage past", meaning that I don't worry about her at all because she's a ghost and I don't believe that ghosts exist. We often cross paths at our children's events and I basically treat her as someone that I have never met, which is literally true because she is not the person that she shows to the world. That is, after 15 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I have no idea who she is even if I know that she has not changed. I know that she has cheated on her current live-in boyfriend and that she still gaslights and emotionally abuses our children. I know that she is a scared little girl who is afraid to show anyone who she really is. As Don Henley once sang: [Her] prison is walking through this world all alone.

If I had a complaint about my current marriage, it's that my wife absolutely hates xWW. I don't think that it's healthy for her to hate anyone, but I also see her hatred as coming from a place of love. My wife knows what xWW did to me, especially during the divorce that she experienced in real time. It's comforting to know that my wife is so totally on my side that she hates someone who has damaged me. It's also nice to have a wife who is proud to have me as her husband. If I had to give my previous marriage a title, it would have been "Not Good Enough" because that's something that my wife beat into me on a continuous basis.

My experiences of the last 6+ years have also benefitted my life in other ways. I now understand better how to deal with my narcissistic mother, who is still as mean and judgmental as ever, even though her mind is starting to go (it's kind of interesting to listen to her spew hatred and then to continue listening to her as she openly forgets why she is so angry at someone).

In conclusion, I have survived infidelity and I have re-built myself in the process. I felt broken for so very long, but I have finally put humpty-dumpty back together again.