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New Beginnings :
Postive New Beginning Stories!

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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 11:22 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2016

Please share your new beginning stories on this thread...this thread is to help encourage those that are starting their lives over and finding happiness all over again

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
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forced2moveon ( member #12014) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2016

I joined this site a couple years after my husband left me in 2004'.

When he left me, I thought no one would be interested in a woman in her forties with 4 children, 2 of then still in diapers. Just 2 months after he left, I met a wonderful man who loves all my children. He has never been married or had children of his own. We got along great and have now been together 11 years. We aren't married nor do we live together because it's what works for us. He's great with my kids and very involved in their lives.

My Ex-WH and I get along great now too. We co-parent well, attend school functions together etc. If we have issues with the kids we talk and make sure we are on the same page so that the kids know they can't play us against each other. The kids are well adjusted and doing great in school. My ex-husband and my boyfriend get along as well and we actually all enjoy each others company.

Of course, it wasn't always this great. We had trying times and it took alot to get us to this point.

posts: 965   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2006   ·   location: Southern California
id 7451672
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 12:35 AM on Monday, January 18th, 2016

My wxh had an affair with our secretary in 2006, and again in2008. I divorced him in 2008, so it's been 7 years.

I don't have human children, so I have no contact with him.

Since the D, I have lost a job, quit a job, and returned to the place I was on D day. I've been back for 3 years, and it has been fabulous.

My life is drama free and peaceful. I have a really well payingg job, great friends, a supportive family, and 4 crazy dogs. I have control over my life and am able to do whatever I feel like on a whim.

It's like I was never married and don't even know that person that was my life for 26 years.

Eta: dating....yes, I date, and I've met some really nice people (and one really awful one). However, I've found that I don't really HAVE to have someone else in my life- I'm enjoying each day as it comes. If I'm sent a partner, that's great-if not, that's great too.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 6:39 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 7451695
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antlered ( member #46011) posted at 2:04 AM on Monday, January 18th, 2016

Not everyone will feel this way, but for me this is truth:

I am actually glad, (Glad!) that she cheated on me. I was committed to a crappy relationship and there was no way I would have let go without her utter betrayal. Never in a million years would I ever thought I would feel this way.

Not that I will ever thank her for it Suffice it to say that I've undergone some profound realizations and personal growth since D-day. Truth.

"Being cheated on was at once the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.

"There is a huge amount of strength to be had from walking the path of integrity."

posts: 1297   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2014
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GotTheTshirtToo ( member #51377) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2016

In 1981, after a dozen years of marriage and with kids aged three and five, I discovered that I had married a serial cheat. I had naively thought that large doses of TLC would enable someone with the self esteem of a three-week-dead newt to attain a worthwhile level of self respect. I was wrong.

In hindsight my XW has strong narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies which may have an inherited component and were reinforced by her home environment.

I could not leave my kids to the vagaries of life with XW and “friends” so determined to stay until my younger could leave home for further education. A couple of years after DD XW gifted me an STD so I bought her a vibrator, showed her how to change the batteries and ceased intimacy. For another ten years she continued to lie to me (presumably she also cheated on occasion) and I ignored the lies whilst focussing on career, kids and a couple of very special friendships. When I felt that it was in the best interests of both my kids and me I escaped the daily mental conflict by pulling the plug.

And where am I twenty-two years after excising XW from my life? I’ve a wonderful partner who, despite two decade long marriages in which her husbands’ infidelities were part of their abuse of her, is everything my XW was unable to be. We’ve been together as friends/lovers for twenty years, as co-habiting partners for nearly fifteen. She’s caring (not soft), level-headed, elegant and looks years younger than she is; she’s totally trustworthy and very, very precious to me. We have a comfortable home in a cracking location, a big, gentle, rescued dog, a garden filled with colour, birds and scent and we enjoy exploring new places together. A couple of years ago we spent a wonderful four weeks in New England with her cousins, we’ve climbed on the Pyramids, walked the streets of Pompeii and Venice, toured much of Europe and cruised the Mediterranean and the Adriatic. She supported me through ten years of an incredibly satisfying job until I retired in my early sixties. We both get much pleasure from a little regular voluntary work, we walk the dog, we use our local leisure centre/gym a couple of times a week and every day we are not holidaying is effectively a bank (public) holiday.

Were there times when I woke at three a.m. and wondered why I shouldn’t kill myself – yes. (My job was declared redundant the day I (5%) and the building society (95%) bought my XW’s half of the marital home and she moved out; getting a decent job took some time). Fortunately I went back to sleep those dark and dangerous nights and when I woke later the despair had lifted enough.

I truly believe that the last twenty years have been the best of my life – where I now am is even more fun than when I was sixteen and a preacher’s son with the freedom of the church youth club and all that that provided.

It can be that being crushed by a partner’s infidelity is the gateway to a better life - nothing is certain but if you’re where I was thirty years ago you should know that it doesn’t have to stay like that.

posts: 198   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 7452557
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Happyatlast ( member #44768) posted at 3:58 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

I was married to XWH for 26 years. 2 months after filing for D, I met my best friend. He lived in my hometown, that I moved back to in order to help take care of my parents.

Several Changes

* Left large, beautiful home in landscaped setting, with property, and moved in to tiny rental home in an urban neighborhood. (I was given home from my XWH, and then when I decided to move, he bought it from me. Now he and OW are M and live there.)

* Left wonderful, well paying career with a company I was very loyal to.

* Moved further away from adult kids who were in college at the time, but then one moved to be near me. (This was agreed upon before I moved).

* Left security of a very stable financial situation.

In the beginning of the separation, I cried everyday, and was very depressed. I could not get out of bed on some days. Life seemed so dark, and I was sure, I would NEVER be happy again.

Current Situation

* Live in an average size house in a nice neighborhood, but no property and no landscaped setting. But it's my favorite of the 4 homes I have owned.

* I have a wonderful job (not career; I no longer want a career) that I love and look forward to going in to. Little to no stress, unlike my previous career was.

* DD and I have always been very close, and she lives only 4 hours away. (Better than 14 hours away, like she was before).

* H#2 and I are not wealthy, but we owe on nothing and have a healthy savings with wonderful jobs (well, his is a career that is his passion...music)

I high-light the changes I went through, because, I wanted to point out that almost everything in my life as I knew it had changed. My address (2 states away) my job, my spouse, being geographically close to my kids. So many changes depressed me. I didn't just lose my husband, EVERYTHING CHANGED! It was a tough road. I still have a little residual from the D, but it is getting better almost everyday. I love my life and never thought I could ever be this happy.

Know that so many came before you and so many will come after you. It's a process, and while the pain is just awful, when you've come through the thick of it, you have a sense of pride in surviving, and eventually thriving.

[This message edited by Happyatlast at 1:04 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2014
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Snapdragon ( member #4286) posted at 3:03 AM on Friday, January 22nd, 2016

I'd love to add to this!

While I may not be living at the level I was when married, the experiences I've had since I divorced him would never have happened otherwise.

I was given no opportunity to reconcile. He immediately became a Class A cruel jackass. There was a LOT of agony on my part. But....

I started a volunteer job that I absolutely LOVE and refreshes my life every week. I do this every Saturday. He would never have tolerated this! For six years I was on the Board of Directors. I train new volunteers several times a year. I experience little miracles on a regular basis. I work with people with all kinds of disabilities. Mostly children. But adults, too. It refocuses me and reminds me about what is REALLY worth fussing about.

I have an incredibly rewarding job that takes a lot of energy, time, odd hours, house guests occasionally, and a dedication that he would never have tolerated.

That job has allowed me some pretty incredible international travel. Ghana x2, China, India x2, Germany, Macedonia, Brazil. He would have been so jealous that he would have sabotaged it. The relationships I've made all over the world make me a very rich woman in spirit and experience!

I own my own home. While it is humble, it is mine. I've renovated all of the landscaping to be exactly what I want. The fact that it is still an ongoing project keeps me engaged and enjoying it. I get to make all my own decisions without the slightest care for any other human I've learned so many home repairs that I always try it myself before calling in an expert. Yes, this method has it's bad moments. Every plumbing experience contains three trips to the hardware store and at least one bought of frustrated tears. But when it is done.... celebration!!!!

Making decisions... there's a loaded topic!! I make then all with my own best interests at heart. Mine. All mine! If I make a mistake, I'm the only one dealing with it - and the only one that beats me up about it.

On the relationship front, I dated a lot for a while. I had tons of fun. Met a lot of really great guys and a lot of guys that weren't a good fit. I've been happily single and not dating for quite a while now. It's gotten to the point that I am really happy alone. I devote so much of myself to my work and volunteer job, my home, pets, friends and family, that I'm happy to take my free time alone and selfishly tend to my own self.

Life "after" can be pretty damn sweet.

Slogging through the mud does take some time. But there is a sunny beach on the other side.

[This message edited by Snapdragon at 6:28 PM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink

posts: 4089   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2004   ·   location: Midwest
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heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 11:49 PM on Monday, February 1st, 2016

I posted this a while ago in the Just Found Out forum. I wanted to write something for the many new people visiting this site and registering profiles and posting for the first time. I'm posting it here with a post script to cover some of my new relationship developments.

I had a particularly horrific experience after learning about my Soon-To-Be-Ex Wayward Husband's (STBXWH) infidelity. I wont go into the incredibly awful details of what he did, but to give you a general idea, he started screwing women who were customers of our jointly-owned sporting goods business, where I also worked. It required a tremendous amount of deceit, deception, hiding, trickery and other awful behaviors besides you know, the actual sex. And he kept it up through over a year and a half of false R.

I was devastated. I wanted desperately to fix it. I tried so hard. I found SI and started to read and occasionally post but my downward spiral was already spinning and pulling me into a deep dark hole.

It turns out, he didn't want to fix our marriage. In fact, he really just wanted to drive me out of his life. Out of my marriage, out of my home, out of my job, out of my business investment, out of my community of friends and acquaintances, out out out.

He took everything I had, every physical manifestation of a successful life and shredded it, bit by bit, little by little, over a period of years. I watched it happen in slow motion, powerless to make anything different happen.

I became suicidal and extremely, profoundly, depressed. Every new discovery of his treachery sent me reeling, full of red hot rage and black despair. I threw things at his head. I broke dishes and windows, I screamed into the night, into the street. Nothing helped me or our marriage, nothing changed him.

Finally my doctor intervened. He basically ordered me to leave. He said if I didn't I would end up in jail for assault or worse, murder, or if not jail, the morgue from killing myself, or worse, the hospital from a failed suicide attempt. Jail, morgue or hospital. That's where I was headed. I was driven literally to the edge of insanity.

So, I left. I really had no choice. I couldn't believe it, but that was the sad fact. I had no choice, I had to leave.

My doctor filed a form with our state agency that stated I was temporarily disabled and unable to work. This got me a little bit of income so I could buy food and eat.

And then, away from him, I started to heal, slowly, in fits and starts, three steps forward, two back. I started to get a grip on my emotions. I started eating again. I got the right medication to control my depression. I found a great therapist. I learned how my thoughts were seriously disordered. SI and its amazing family of supportive souls made a huge difference in my sanity. I started learning how to enforce "No-Contact" (NC) with STBXWH.

I found a place to live after couch surfing with friends. I got a part time "job" volunteering and found that my emotional/mental functioning was still really poor. STBXWH filed for divorce. I blew up at my "landlord" room-renter and got kicked out of my housing. I begged my dad to lend me his RV for a while so I could have a place to sleep. I put my few belongings in storage and became quasi-homeless. I cashed in my retirement savings. I sold a few things for some gas money.

I tried hard to do my job, and did well enough that I was able to develop a tiny new inkling of self esteem. I kept going to therapy. I kept taking my medication.

It took TWO YEARS to regain most of my mental health. But you know what, I was healing.

I bounced around with new part time job, this time for pay. I got triggered badly by a new boss with behaviors so similar to STBXWH that I could barely see straight. I got fired for refusing to take his bullshit. My unemployment ran out. At one point I had $15.13 to my name and over $10,000 in debt, (not including the $35k in student loans). I filed for spousal support and got a little, thanks to a fair judge. I borrowed some money from a friend to help keep my car from being repossessed.

I found a few old friends still loved me. One of them recommended I apply for a part-time job that seemed like a good fit. I worked on my resume and put all my determination into getting hired.

I got the job! Suddenly, I had income. I had co-workers who were good people. My bosses were nice. Company BS was mild, and got better as time went on. An old friend started flirting with me. We started a little romance, a Friends-With-Benefits (FWB) relationship that helped me feel attractive and desirable, and helped me realize I had something positive to offer and that the divorce wasn't my fault.

I did my job well! I still struggled with depression and something I called "functional paralysis" where I would have days where any work at all was a struggle, but I kept up with my therapy, did my homework, and really tried hard to improve my mental health. One day, I realized I was actually happy! But I was still living in an RV, parked in a grungy driveway off a loud highway, and barely making ends meet.

After court one day when I told the judge I wanted half the stock in the business, STBXWH asked me "How much is it going to cost me to make you go away?"

I dealt with that. I didn't spin back into a black hole. I found my center, changed my thoughts, calmed myself, and went back to working on my own life.

Later, I found out he had gotten one of his Affair Partners (APs) pregnant and she'd had his baby. I dealt with that. I didn't spin back into a black hole. I found my center, changed my thoughts, calmed myself, and went back to working on my own life.

I worked my butt off in therapy. I started pushing my employers to establish a new position in the organization, and eventually got hired to that position, along with a raise. I doubled my income over night. Full-time baby! Top position in the organization!

And then I rented a house. I cleared out my storage unit. I gave the RV back to my dad. I bought a few things for me, and planted some flowers around the house.

A few months ago, I earned more in one month than I had ever earned in a 30 day period in my life. I had recovered my capacity for supporting myself, and then some. I was rebuilding my life. I was happy.

I saw him in court last week and continued my quest to get some sort of fair settlement out of the business. I came home and watered my plants and had a beer and said "Fuck That Guy". FTG. Just fuck him.

I am healed. I still have growth I want to do but I'm better than I ever was. I'm content. I deal with adversity. I am overcoming my weaknesses. I am working in a job I like, I have a few pleasures, and I wake up in the morning without a thought about what happened over 5 years ago.

I lost everything. I nearly lost my life. And yet I rebuilt myself and my life and I've found I can be happy and I have a future. At some point my divorce will go through and I will sever all ties with that asshole, but in the meantime, I am me, I am free, and I have survived infidelity.

****Post script update:

At our next court hearing we agreed to a bifurcation to complete the legal elements of divorce even though we couldn't agree on the division of assets. So I'm now officially divorced. It was rather anti-climactic and more court is ahead of us. I'll be OK even if I get nothing.

The Friends-with-Benefits relationship ran its course. I started developing much stronger feelings and wanting more from the relationship. FWB was what we agreed to and I (yes, me) felt I was being unfair pushing him. I told him if he couldn't move our relationship to the next level I needed to end it, as I realized I wanted to pursue a committed relationship for my future. After some back and forth where he waffled and wouldn't commit, I broke up with him. Actually, I waffled too, went back, broke up again.

Then I went into a 180/NC mode to try to keep boundaries so I wouldn't be tempted to back to him for a third time. I set up online dating profiles and put my head down and worked to keep our relationship friends-and-colleagues only.

After about 3 months, he told me he'd made a huge mistake and wanted to know if there was any chance we could get back together to try to make a real relationship work. Since I never really wanted to end our relationship, I agreed to try. I set some conditions. He met them. It's been really interesting moving forward and we are working on trying to adjust our lives to incorporate each other in a more public, boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way.

My job may see another growth opportunity in the next 3-4 months, as I continue to take on more leadership roles and responsibilities.

One final note: I have lived my whole adult life with chronic depression. I've been in therapy for about 5 years now. I still need this support as my depression seems cyclical and I go gangbusters building my life up and then fall into paralysis and inability to function for weeks at a time. I'm working to beat back the depression, continue to develop my coping skills, and dig deeper into my childhood issues that seem to be driving what looks like self-sabotaging behavior.

Anyway, my life is normal. Basically I'm content, I'm imagining a positive future, living a present that is overall a good life when you step back and look at it from a distance, even though I sometimes get the blues. And every now and then I go through bouts of being ridiculously happy.

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7466248
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Bebecat ( member #49491) posted at 12:42 AM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

My divorce became final this month. I am so happy and stress-free in my apartment, with my old cat and my new dog. I have no interest in a new relationship. Maybe it will come later but I do not even want to think about that. My life is the way I want it right now. No kids, so I feel like a twenty-something just starting out in her first apartment (I am 56, married 20 years.)

Eventually, things work out the way they are supposed to, I think.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2015
id 7487609
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Irishbrewer74 ( member #48231) posted at 11:57 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2016

Similar to antlered, I too am actually glad my XWW had her affair. Divorce was inevitable, I was set on filing anyway as soon as my oldest was out of daycare and in school... but her affair was just the kindling to get the fire going.

Its been about 9 months since she moved out and 2 months since the D was final and I couldn't be happier!

I came out great in the divorce (her, not so much). The stress is gone, I actually sleep at night, and I am enjoying the new time that I have to myself. I love my kids dearly, but I learned its ok to be happy when they aren't with me (I have 50/50 joint custody) The kids are doing fine. I'm lookinig forward to this summer and trying some new hobbies.

Me: 43
Her: 42
Married:13 years (together close to 15)
Kids: two (9 and 6)
Separated since 8/1/15
Divorced: 02/08/16 (and loving it!!!)

posts: 157   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2015   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 7524580
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 12:15 AM on Saturday, April 9th, 2016

2008: Discovered husband of 22 years had been cheating for 20 years while on the road for work. We had just bought a house and he had his girlfriend over while I was away for a weekend.

2009: Kicked him out.

2010: Sold the damn house. My mom passed away that winter.

Bought a condo.

2013: Sold the condo, moved to a heritage mansion rental apartment of my dreams in an urban forest in the middle of everything.

2016: Finished my Honours BA in History that I've been working on for 21 years (!). I won an award for my thesis and just had another paper published in the undergrad journal. Won another award to write another paper over the summer before starting grad school in September.

I retired from my job (which had slowly become a very unhappy place to be) last winter to do school full time. Taking a hit financially but I have a nest egg socked away from the house equity and a small inheritance, so I'm calling myself semi-retired. Two years until I get Canuck equivalent of social security, so winging it on a tiny work pension, savings and fellowships until then.

After years of insomnia, anxiety and nightmares, I'm having the best sleeps of my life lately.

No longer dream of owning real estate, that's a couples project, I'm not the type who enjoys doing maintenance and getting ripped off by contractors.

No boyfriend, happy with my books and my good friends. Did a bit of dating last year though, it was fun and I got to have a roll in the hay with a nice man, but he ran away afterwards, he wasn't ready. ; 0 If another one happens along, I won't say no, but I'm not looking terribly hard.

No car, just bike or bus or carshare everywhere. My rent is my biggest luxury, but I save a lot on not having to take vacations because I love it here so much.

My apartment is expensive, but you get what you pay for: peace and quiet, greenery, close to shopping, the hospital (if ever needed), and gorgeous public gardens and farmer's markets.

I'm doing the simple life, living in the moment and the moment is pretty damn good.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:19 PM, April 8th (Friday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21438   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 7524588
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 4:49 AM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

I'm another one who is grateful he cheated. I would have stuck with him forever, and I would have missed out on so much that life has to offer (including great sex -- selfish people are also bad in bed!)

I was near suicidal at D-Day. Now, at 4.5 years past D-Day and 4 years past divorce and no contact, my life is incredible.

I went from zero to many friends, strengthened family relationships, went with my mom to Europe, ran marathons in 7 more states (35 to go!), won two (small) races last year, bought my very own house, commissioned stained glass for it, got an incredible job, passed a very tough certification exam (with two more to go until certification achieved), got promoted, and learned so much about myself.

It's been years since someone has said mean things to me or tried to make me feel bad about myself (a near-daily occurrence in my marriage, that I chalked up to joking.) I haven't cried in years, and can barely remember the state of existing instead of living.

I joined a beer club, bought a piano, assembled furniture, drove cross-country with my sisters, bought a car, began biking to work, went on a million terrible first dates (well, 60), and have lived more in the past 4 years than in the previous 13. Friends are begging me to write a book, and I just might do so if I ever stop long enough to do so.

When I wasn't looking and least expected it, I met an incredible man. We've gone to New Orleans and Nashville already this year, and are planning a trip to Hawaii. He treats me better than anyone ever has, and always supports me (which is, of course, reciprocated.)

I've learned so much about what behavior I won't tolerate -- from anyone -- and my life is better for that.

I certainly never planned to get divorced, but this experience has definitely increased my self-respect and has made me ultimately a better, emotionally healthier, and happier person.

All the best!!!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7559318
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MakingMyFuture ( member #43530) posted at 11:12 AM on Tuesday, May 31st, 2016

Although I would gladly trade the last few years of marriage where I was put through hell, I can honestly say, my life has NEVER BEEN BETTER.

I got a raise

I was recognized with 2 awards at work

I won a Free Luxury Trip to Indonesia from my employer for outstanding work performance

My kids are happy. Like silly, not a care in the world happy

I've been dating an met a few amazing men. While I have enjoyed their company and it has been fun, I also realized I'm not WAITING for Mr. Right. I'm at a place where I am totally happy with just socially dating and it is totally OK if I never meet the "Love of my Life"

I've also been introduced to some Non-American potential dates which has opened up a whole new world of possibility.

I'm traveling again. I'm living adventures again.

My friend herd has naturally started thinning to only the most amazing, supportive, real friends-- quite a blessing.

Do I still sometimes wish I had someone to fix a leaky faucet or compare notes with on the kids or imagine growing old with? Sometimes? But that is pretty few and far between. I decided to make my life extraordinary -- if I meet someone who wants to keep up and we enjoy each others company? All the better.

Just back from Indonesia, Riding Elephants and River Rafting, now off to take the kids on their first trip to Europe. Went Hang-gliding over the weekend. Life is better than good it is GREAT! Never thought I could be this centered and happy again.

I hope you all find your slice of peace-- there is a great life waiting for you on the other side. Love and Hugs MMF

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 5:14 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

posts: 1128   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2014   ·   location: SoCal
id 7570109
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JM72 ( member #50760) posted at 3:36 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2016

Thank you to everyone for sharing their positive experiences of strength and growth. I'm not at the point of sharing mine, unfortunately, and I'm not sure about finding another "significant other", but if that happens, it happens.

I am also kind of glad my wife decided to have an affair and end the marriage. For too long, I was made to feel "not good enough", and I know that's not the case, so in a way, she is doing me a favor. I have too much to offer, not just to other people, but to myself.

I love to kid around and make people laugh, to have fun, but I also deeply care. I like to help other people. I'm SO looking forward to getting a place of my own, so I can get my own furry friends (just want to start out with 1 kitten and 1 puppy, but I'm a HUGE animal lover, so I know I'm gonna have problems if I see an animal that needs a home, heh).

Yes, alot of it is very scary still. 27 years with someone is a long time. I still consider myself fairly young at 43, but I'm equally as excited about my future as I am afraid of the uncertainty of what happens next. I'm not afraid of being alone because I like the kind of person I am, but of course, there's always going to be fear of an uncertain future.

I don't want to hijack the thread, because I'm not there yet. Hopefully I can update at some point, but thanks for the inspirational stories.

Oh yeah, and I go for my motorcyle license this upcoming week. I always wanted to ride, but always put it on the back burner for other things, so hopefully within the next year, I can get the Harley I've always wanted. Maybe a Heritage Classic with a side car for the kitten & puppy? heh

[This message edited by JM72 at 9:45 PM, July 3rd (Sunday)]

Me - BS (43)
Her - the Princess (AKA "the victim") (44)
Married 25 years, together 27
Dday - January 2016
DS - 25, DS - 18, DD - 16, DD - 13
Divorcing - To thy own self be true

posts: 1414   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2015   ·   location: New Jersey
id 7597856
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Healingheart123 ( new member #55381) posted at 11:54 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2016

First let me say that this site and the people here really helped me go through it was a really horrible time in my life. My X cheated on me back in 2011. Initially we tried to reconcile. Or rather I tried to reconcile. Well he wasn't physically or actively cheating anymore he went down a downward spiral and continue to be nasty and mean. From 2011 and 2012 it was a crazy emotional emotional rollercoaster. And I realized that my greatest trigger was him. So I got a divorce and I have not looked back. My children are healthy and happy and have a fantastic relationship with their father. I would like to add that my ex that cheated on me is not the father of the boys and that was another issue that we had, he was very jealous of the relationship that the children had with their father. Since I left him and the divorce I began working full-time at a job that I really enjoy. Got promoted twice, met a wonderful man with the amazing little 8 year old girl and a great family. I never thought that I would get married again after everything that I had been through, but we are engaged and are getting married next year. I have grown so much since the divorce I was able to find me again. I don't suggest divorce for everybody. everybody must follow their own path, for me it's what helped me get on the path to Healing

[This message edited by Healingheart123 at 5:58 AM, September 29th (Thursday)]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Florida
id 7673363
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ceilingfanswitch ( member #50593) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

When this topic was first posted I couldn't fathom the idea that I would have a positive new beginning story. But (happily) here I am.

A year ago I was stuck in an unhappy marriage where I put in the vast majority of the energy a relationship requires. Whether emotional, physical, financial or other I was putting everything in while my ex (married 5 years) barely contributed anything just enjoyed her own hobbies and complained about me constantly. Looking back on this time I have realized a couple of truths that before I was unwilling (possibly unable) to grasp:

She was emotionally abusing me through gas-lighting and threatening to hurt herself in arguments and more

She had physically abused me earlier in our relationship. I wrote it off because I was not hurt or bruised but the fact she did hit me and tried to cause me physical pain was unacceptable and should have ended the relationship right there.

She had been involved in affairs well before I was aware of them. There was one emotional/light physical up to petting type affair before that she had totally covered up and said was my fault and was extremely mad that I still even remembered it and was hurt by it. I know of at least one other emotional affair and am almost certain there was other physical affairs before I found out from her drunken boyfriend.

When I found out in the middle of last November I spiraled down and was in danger of coming unhinged. I had a meltdown when there were a lot of people at my house and I realized there were multiple affair partners some of whom were there.

Luckily I started counseling a little after I found out which probably saved my life.

In the divorce she got the house for a pittance but I am free. There's so many details but I'm not going to rehash the nightmare because this is a positive new beginning post :).

And since the property agreement meeting there has been NO two way communication between us. She tried to contact me. Before the divorce I told her to contact my attorney and after the divorce I just completely ignored her. (one of) Her boyfriend(s) tried to inject himself in the divorce proceedings which I completely ignored.

Even before the divorce was finalized (unknown to my ex) I moved to Indianapolis (from a town about an hour away) and was promoted at my job. I enrolled in college for the first time and now am in my second semester at the community college.

I rented my own apartment. I moved from a 3000 square foot fixer upper into a one bedroom apartment, but it is mine and that is what counts. It still remains a sore spot because I put 2 years of my life working full time and then spending almost every free moment renovating the old house and all that work was basically stolen though legal bs but oh well :).

I'm very close to getting another major promotion which would include a major raise also which will be very nice.

My finances are better than ever, It's amazing how much my ex wasted on stupid things.

Through lies and the fact that my ex destroyed some lease agreements her boyfriend even tried to sue me! He only got a pittance that would have gone to her anyhow which is fun because basically he sued her.

And I can enjoy some luxuries with my own money. I've bought a kayak which I enjoy, a new camera, I go to nice restaurants with friends and can afford it all without having her drag me down.

One of the nicest things is that I'm now dating again. I tried online dating and talked with 4 or 5 people and had a couple of people flake out. But I did meet someone else and we went to a local brewery and really hit it off. That was more than 3 months ago!

At first she constantly surprised me by treating me like an actual person. She's nice to me. She has not threatened me or insulted me even when we have disagreed about things (very rarely). She shows empathy for me and others. Our relationship is soo nice. I don't know where it is headed and she may be moving in the next year or two and I am not sure if I would move with her but we'll cross that bridge when we need to. She is also very attractive which is wonderful!

I don't know whats coming in the future. My life is definitely more open ended than it was before but I'm definitely happier than I was even before I found out my ex was cheating. If I knew how wonderful life could have been without my ex I would have laughed and got out of that situation as quickly as possible in hopes to reach a place somewhat like where I am now in my life.

“Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.”
― Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

I don't miss her I miss who I thought she was. Actually I don't miss that at all now.

posts: 148   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2015
id 7683454
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Mariaex ( member #47256) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Hey. I shared my situation here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=556767

Horrific!

I started to seriously give love another try this summer. The man that I am seeing is receiving a higher education, he has solid goals and is probably one of the most polite men I have ever encountered. I look forward to things growing. Of course, I've been taking things slow and enjoying the process!

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015
id 7733022
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newlife03 ( member #56527) posted at 4:39 AM on Thursday, December 29th, 2016

I will follow FaithFool's concept!

2006: DDay #1. Sat awake in the middle of the night crying and googled "how to survive infidelity." This website came up and it was like everyone knew my situation, a true blessing. I chronicled our journey and my attempt at R not realizing he hadn't committed to the NC rule.

2007: DDay #2. Moved out of state hoping to start over and discovered he had a new girlfriend.

2009: Realized he was not going to give up OW so I finally filed D.

Dated a few here and there, lost all hope in any kind of man who would want a woman with 3 children and more than just sex. Bought the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which I believe I heard about through here. Opened my eyes!

2011: Started dating SO and was reluctant to trust again.

2014: my beloved dad passed away but thankfully he knew I was happy again. Another forum, cancer care.org, also had support groups to help me deal with his death.

2016: Still with SO and finally found the peace I had been searching for back in 2006. I hope to marry again someday but right now I'm very fulfilled raising my girls and spending time with SO.

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 7740892
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TooYoung ( new member #56779) posted at 8:57 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2017

This is to forced2moveon. I am also in my forties. Have been on my own with two teenage kids for 2 1/2 months now. I feel like you did nobody will want me. Where did you meet your boyfriend? I don't get out much because I work from home. I know I'm not ready to date others, but when the time comes I want to know of places to go. I was with my husband for thirty years before he cheated.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017
id 7752148
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smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 9:29 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2017

Today I looked at my profile. I joined when we'd been married for thirteen years. I just left after investing twelve more years....

However...

I'm enrolled in college. I watch my grandkids for my daughters who are both single moms. I just turned fifty. I've dated for a minute, though stopped because dealing with so many people who just stright up expected sex messed with my head. I'm almost happy, well let me explain. I'm tons happier then when I was married. I'm good doing me. My life needs some more work yet, but I didn't get this way overnight.

There is always hope and more and good things, if you are only willing to both look for them and fight for yourself.

Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.

posts: 9253   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2004   ·   location: Central Texas
id 7752173
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