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Newest Member: Hopeful318

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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PuckQueen ( member #52517) posted at 11:28 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2016

I have this saved on my phone for when I let myself feel somehow less than her.

He is fighting for me and he's done nothing for her

Me 30s a BW
Husband a FWS 30s
2 kids, we are fully devoted to R.

My posts have a lot of mistakes, I use my phone and am bad with editing. Sorry grammar and spelling police everywhere

posts: 584   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2016
id 7657516
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minusone ( member #50175) posted at 2:41 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

Bump for all the newbies

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8365   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 7693415
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doigoordoistay ( member #55411) posted at 1:09 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

I really needed these words today. I saved it for future reference too. Thank you for your post....

Me - BW 40's
M-17 years on Dday
Dday#1 - July 2016 - Double betrayal EA/PA with my best friend
Dday#2 - August 2016 - had a ONS with a stripper in 2006
Separated July 2, 2018

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016   ·   location: 🇺🇸
id 7693602
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minusone ( member #50175) posted at 1:31 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

bump

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8365   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 7704018
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minusone ( member #50175) posted at 1:14 AM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

bump

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8365   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 7732532
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Heart ( member #56144) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

Thank you. I will keep this with me as a reminder when I am feeling down.

I have looked at the other woman's photo and thought what in the world was he thinking too many times. Any woman who chases another woman's man is trash.

Thank you for the clarity.

Happily Free Now
Me.... former betrayed wife


posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2016   ·   location: USA
id 7733676
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burcm ( member #55812) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

I believe it also applies to men like myself who have been cheated on by their wives. How I know they are weak and afraid? They start lying right away the moment you confront them ! They refuse to stand behind what they did, their own actions ! If they keep cheating after you think everything is fine sometime after your first DDay (could be months or years), then know that it is a character problem that they have and that you will never be happy with such a person. Walk away and you will be a happier person in the long run. Nothing is free and without any pain including happiness in the long run. In my case, I discovered only one incident, a one night stand with a loser idiot and we are reconciling but my "radar" has not stopped and will keep working probably for some more time.

[This message edited by burcm at 8:50 AM, December 20th (Tuesday)]

Divorced the XWW and remarried to a wonderful woman much higher in both quality and beauty.

posts: 301   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Istanbul
id 7733714
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whymeagain8 ( member #55187) posted at 6:08 PM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

True . The OW in our case was a divorced mom who liked to mention how she had not had sex in three years.

My STBX obviously read that as an invitation to fix a problem.

To me - it read pathetic. Every single time I've been out someone has hit on me, so I'm not sure why it would take three years to get a date and then with the father of your childrens' best friend? She is to me PATHETIC.

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 12:09 PM, December 20th (Tuesday)]

posts: 259   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7733928
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NYgirl68 ( member #55927) posted at 6:41 PM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

It's hard to feel this way when I know the OW is much younger and more attractive than me. I could never compete with her looks wise.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2016   ·   location: NY
id 7733973
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TimelessLoss ( member #55295) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2016

NYG,

I look at the "younger, more attractive" from another angle.

Your STBXH is living in his brother's basement. And his current Gym Bunny is all in on that.

I call that confirmation that they always affair down.

He has a character disorder. You are a person of integrity and character. And a great Mom.

Easy to see who is Top Shelf.

"You've got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served"

posts: 1649   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2016
id 7734424
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PinkChloe81 ( new member #56427) posted at 11:53 AM on Thursday, December 22nd, 2016

I read this out loud to WS. He agreed with what you said. He felt crappy about it but had to admit it. NONE of these people were people he would have given the time of day if he were single.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Puyallup, WA
id 7735548
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grizzly ( member #55771) posted at 2:28 PM on Thursday, December 22nd, 2016

I love this. Thank you for posting. This is one of the things that people who just find out should read first. It will take some time to sink in but eventually for most people they will see how true this is for many, many people.

It is also a means to have some compassion for your WS if you plan on trying R.

I am in them middle of it and am still confused and sorting things out, but these comments definitely rind true in my particular circumstance.

Sending good vibes to you all.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2016   ·   location: USA
id 7735640
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 8:55 AM on Friday, December 30th, 2016

Thanks Grizzly. That's such a good point you make about the implicit compassion for the WS and was certainly true in my case and my WS and part of my reason for reposting a Death by Betrayal's post.

My reaction to some of my WS's behaviours was "wow, you must have been feeling very low about yourself" and also that he chose a sorry lot and badly abused their sorry state.

I find some of the reactions to this thread which focus on comparisons to external trappings (status, looks, job) miss the point about more abstract and interior qualities such as (self) esteem (the proper meaning of esteeming oneself and others), this for example as one of the most significant lacks in all players in the infidelity game.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7741860
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Beyondbelief2016 ( member #56570) posted at 2:32 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2016

Definite affair down...

The OW in my case was WH's coworker who he knew over the last 3 years and fancied. Met OW and her now XH twice at the events at Christmas over a couple of years... (she left him even though she had 2 young kids to get a replacement husband and daddy to replace her down and out fat and ugly husband of 17 years)... part of the attraction would have been WH was senior in grade to her with a fat paycheck...

And all I could think was 1) plain 2) older 3) not as smart 4) family breaker 5) cheater 6) less successful 7) clearly not kind 8) selfish 9) when she said she was pregnant she threatened that she would destroy any possible relationship with his child if he didn't leave me to be with her to play happy families because it was really important for a child to be with their father (she broke her family apart!! "Abusive ex-husband" now has kids 3 days a week (if I was momma I would fight to keep my kids away from an abusive father!!)

The only thing she had that I didn't was that she is thinner...

Even worse when I asked what he saw in her - that he was "in love" with us both - he said she was kind and selfless... and that she loved her kids etc (in the face of all the evidence of the above!!). even though he made explicit that he never ever would want a woman who had another man's kids and that he detests hicks and it would mean he would have to live in the middle of nowhere with her and her kids when we have always lived in the big city...

I am not the prettiest but reasonably pretty - really intelligent and extremely successful - well travelled and spend all my time helping friends and family and make time for making friends and nurturing others... with a lot of devotion to living a good Christian life... and continually improving myself and growing... and lots of physical affection and taking care of him...

It is really sad to see WH clearly had self esteem issues so bad that he needed to go find validation and affair down massively to make himself feel like a man despite making out to everyone like he was confident and self assured in his superior knowledge (though deeply insecure about women) - the first woman to show interest in 10 years must have been really a balm to his self esteem... ironically I am the one with the job with constant temptation (travel, drinks, attention)

It is highly insulting but at least I don't need to look at her and spend even a second wishing I was her.

I had a quiet conversation with her (recent confrontation) where I told her it clearly isn't about me or her... one he didn't love enough to leave (OW) and one he didn't love enough it to hurt (me).

And all she had to say was that she had lost the chance at happiness with 2 men - 1 from being too ashamed to leave long long ago when it was failing - then leaving him only to have the new man she loves not give up his marriage for her. She saw it as a chance at the happiness her parents have. Pathetic to try to steal happiness...

Also let her know that the man she wants so much has been letting rip at me for the last couple of years trying to make me feel bad about myself and being super snipey and passive aggressive so she better know what she is buying rather than mr lovey dovey that she has seen so far (said it all in front of his face!!)

How sad that two people who clearly had self esteem issues could have hurt their families so deeply for some validation instead of working on their own issues. I would never want to be them - not even in the depths of despair. And it is definitely a big trade down - both in woman and in self respect!!

Who knows if he is in a fog or if it is true love hmmm? 🙄 if he chooses to abandon ship in the end instead of going for real R I hope for his sake it really is because it is a tough shit road ahead once she realises that her "knight in shining armor" is gonna be pretty shitty and broke.

BW: 34 & WH: 37
Together almost 11 & M 9
cOW: affaired down like no tomorrow - EA into PA (approx 15 months)
DDays and TT: early nov to late dec 16
Had-enough-day: 20 Dec - read riot act
NYE onwards: focusing on making me happy first

posts: 133   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Not the US of A!
id 7741985
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heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 7:32 AM on Friday, February 10th, 2017

bump, needs a target icon!

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7781806
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SoFloGirl ( member #56865) posted at 2:12 PM on Saturday, February 11th, 2017

Thank you!!!! I truly believe he is weak in areas and the OW made him feel "manly"...he would always tell me how lucky he was to have my love...he wouldnt take a stand on important matters and his insecurities showed our last year together..keep in mind he was involved with OW..i began to see him as weak..to which i built him up more bc i loved him..thats what partners do..but NO! I deserve a loving partner who is strong and we build eachother up..he would help make excuses for me when i was low WTF thats sick, i realize now..thank you for this post

3 years together
Cheated last year (w/OW for several months)
No kids
Dday: January 2017
Currently under NC as of 1-15-17
D underway..

posts: 140   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2017
id 7782888
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Clueless921 ( member #52059) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, February 11th, 2017

I know the original post was a while back, but I just read it, read it and saved it. Thank you.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: Maine
id 7783109
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samiamsad ( member #56563) posted at 8:23 PM on Saturday, February 11th, 2017

This is so helpful, thank you. I have if saved on my computer.

me: bs
4.5 year LTA and double betrayal
2 young kids, married 10 years, together 19
DDAY - 12/24/16

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 7783124
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 8:44 PM on Saturday, February 11th, 2017

Thank you so much for re-posting this; it could not have come at a better time for me.

This helped me get over my latest hurdle - the belief that she got the best parts of my WS and I was left with repair rather than sunshine and buttercups. I have been stuck in a state where I am resentful of having to spend so much time working through reinventing my marriage (I feel fortunate that my WS has been phenomenal in that regard). I want the fun and the seemingly free spirited love with reckless abandon too.

But honestly, while they were "enjoying" themselves at my expense and the expense of my family, they were also getting the worst of everything. This is a great revelation for me and thank you.

And yes, my WS was with someone with self esteem issues. The AP "supplemented" her income by getting paid for her "companionship" with other men. Oh god...

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2835   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 7783133
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Upsidedown2017 ( member #57150) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, February 11th, 2017

Thank you so much for this. The OW in my case was a 26-year old, slim, Asian girl. I am a 40 year old mother of two with a body that will never be what is was pre-kids, a face that is a bit worn and hair that is starting to go grey. Not Quasimodo, not Miranda Kerr.

But I am loyal, strong, kind, clever and funny. She is uneducated, not bright, speaks pretty poor English, has no opinions other than ones which confirm how wonderful my husband was.

I didn't see it like that until I read this thread. Thank you.

Me - BS, 41
Him - WS, 42, PA
2 kids, 10 and 7
D-day, 11/16

posts: 70   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2017
id 7783214
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