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Avoid confrontation in public, do it at home and have a VAR on you to avoid any chance of false DV accusations.

I know you probably want to see if she will lie if asked directly AND have the answers you seek, but the most probable outcome is she will lie or trickle truth.

Confront if your priority is to verifiy if she will be honest enough to admit; stick to the original plan if your priority is to have the answers to your questions. The shock of being served is your best chance to get her to give honest answers, IMO.

Stick to your original plan. SHE WILL LIE AND DENY. They all do they never tell the whole truth or why they did it when confronted. It usually takes weeks or months to get it out of them even when they are remorseful. They will not tell you because they thing you will leave if you find out one more dirty detail.

Stick with your plan. You can ask her why when you get back. Tell her it is the only way you have a chance to save your marriage. But she must tell you everything now. Then you have your answer and can proceed with your divorce. But if you confront before she is served you will not get an answer for sure only lies.

Make sure you tell OM's wife do not let him know that you know he will tell his your are some crazy dude and gaslight her.

Again stick with original plan. It is well thought out and will get you where you need to be so you can move on.

Since her cheating is a deal breaker you need to execute your plan.

[This message edited by 10yearsafter at 5:35 PM, January 30th (Friday)]

It's quite likely your WW will get dumped once the OBS finds out. Most Waywards get thrown under the bus.

Since her OM is her boss, owns the business and is wealthy I wonder if she has grounds to sue him for sexual harassment related stuff. Ive read stories where the AP can make a tidy sum in settlement in situations like this esp if they lose their jobs or leave their job voluntarily. It surprises me when wealthy business owners cheat with employees since it makes them more vulnerable financially to their AP employee.

Many cheaters treat their spouses badly or become emotionally distant and even manufacture conflict. I honestly don't know what it indicates when the cheater still acts loving like you describe your WW did.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:19 PM, January 30th (Friday)]

Many cheaters treat their spouses badly or become emotionally distant and even manufacture conflict. I honestly don't know what it indicates when the cheater still acts loving like you describe your WW did.

Usually, it is because during the affair, the WW doesn't have any real feelings for the OM. And the affair has nothing at all to do with the husband, home life or the marriage.

I am guessing affairs like this are strictly for the excitement, the newness, and the something of their own.

Do not tell your wife you are telling his and show her the proof.

I honestly don't know what it indicates when the cheater still acts loving like you describe your WW did.

It means she doesn't really want to hurt you but is feeling guilty that she is.

Please don't let your wife or the OM know that you are going to inform the OBS. Warning may give them time to come up with a cover story.

With whatever happens tonight, good luck.

I am also the child of a broken home due to infidelity. My WH and I had the same long discussions. My WH helped me rebuild a relationship with my father. It's unbelievable that someone who knew the pain we experienced as a child could turn around and destroy is in exactly the same way.

Your wife wants the exciting affair coupled with a steady, satisfying home life. The affair isn't acceptable without the great home life. She's selfish and as someone else said, so self-centered that its all about her and her personal enjoyment.

I would stick to your original plan and have her served at work. You won't get the truth, just twisted lies, so why bother asking for honesty? Everything she will tell you will be designed to minimize damage and keep her precious marriage intact. Probably claim he seduced her with lies and she entered a fantasy fog which warped her thinking. Anything but the truth; thats she's looks at life as a smorgasbord especially for her personal satisfaction.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you." It is called ILYBINILWY. After 20 years, it is more of a routine, it's not the passionate. I have some similarities to yours.

I think it really was a recent affair. I think you would have seen it earlier if it had been going on much earlier, I would doubt not more than six months, I would guess about three months. The shaving, the lingerie, the phone not responding - this is when the affair probably was a month or two after it began. It probably started out in work, in closets, in cars, and other man and your wife realize they would get caught, and that's when the 200-plus mile hotels began, probably a month or so after the affair had begun. Also, some is affecting your wife's empty nest, menopause on it's here or on it's way soon, the new job, the other man is competent and respected, and he played a big game for her, it was flattery.

Empty Nest Syndrome refers to feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes. This may occur when children go to college or get married. Women are more likely than men to be affected; often, when the nest is emptying, mothers are going through other significant life events as well, such as menopause or caring for elderly parents.

Your wife still was loving to you, still being sweet to you, etc., but this would not have lasted that much longer. The longer the affair would last, the longer your wife would get more and more emotional to the other man, and eventually your wife would be full-out "in love" and ready to divorce you for the other man. I don't think your wife was that close to it yet, but I really do believe it would have happened on about another few months to six months down the road.

That's what I think based on what you've posted, and not unlike than some similarities of my own, as well as other people in real life I've known.

Finally, I think you are NOT completely on the same page with your wife. Your wife still is routinely keeping your sweetness to you, but inside her head she has started to feel things have not been great, not like you thought it was. She was feeling that something was wrong, that this new other man was awaking something in her, and that is just not something she could have told you the truth to you. It is not your fault, how could you know all of this stuff was going on in your wife's head if she didn't say it to you.

Your wife's affair had to "deserve" for a reason; I don't think it was anything about you, I would guess that your wife is feeling down about the empty nest and those other things made her feel that she "deserves" that. Also, I would suspect that other man has "connected" to your wife on that, he probably saw how your wife was a little depressed or down for a day and other man was observant and insightful enough, or just lucky, to "connect that feeling" with your wife, and then other man probably helped pushed away the fault plane and fracture between your wife and you.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:19 PM, January 30th (Friday)]

How did you make out last night SpaceGhost?

R U ok

How did it go Space???

SpaceGhost, I too thought I was on top of the world and that what my WS and I had was incredible. I had no idea what she was capable of, and it revealed a person who made some very selfish decisions. Like you, I had/have so many questions about the why, and there really are no answers that are satisfying. It's a decision the cheater makes selfishly and like many others have said, it's about compartmentalizing. My WS said she needed some excitement, and really never expressed how troubled she was in our relationship. I had no idea, so I just kept thinking that we were steadfast on our journey. Lol, I found out much different.

I wish you the best in your recovery. You seem to have your ducks in a row to make a decision you can live with.

how is it going spaceghost?

Space are you okay???

Just saw this. Thoughts with you as you prepare to confront. Know that you are in a place of support here!

I have just read all the posts on your story, I know exactly how you feel, although I am not holding together as well as you are. I know your pain. As of 2 weeks ago, I discovered My husband has had an affair. It is breaking my heart. I hope you have the answers you needed. And I hope your wife told you the truth. If for no other reason, then for closure for you. Take care and enjoy your Golf trip, You deserve it.

Spaceghost - I honestly think that you are not going to find the answers you seek here. Only your wife is going to be able to answer your questions. She may lie; she may not. The answers may not matter anyway. I hope things work out for you!

Well sorry been busy things have changed but I have not served her yet. I do have more information though so at least I feel better about that.

I asked her point blank "Are you cheating". She denied asked why I would think that. I did not tell her about my P.I. evidence. I said you are out of contact for a whole night. I come back and you have lingerie drying that you never used with me and you shaved bald down there. She did lie and said she does not remember the lingerie but she must have washed it and it was just drying. She said the shaving was just to spice things up.

I told her she hated the last time she shaved like that and I always wanted at least some left there so if she didn't do it for her or me then it must be someone else. So she starts crying and tells me she loves only me. She has always loved just me and would not do anything to lose what she has. She did look worried and did not get angry. So she kept the lie going and would not admit anything. She then said she wanted to go out with her friend shopping so she left.

I had a Voice Activated Recorder and our car has Bluetooth which was great since she called her friend. Her friend knew about the affair and my wife was crying. Saying she thinks I know about her affair and she did not admit anything. Her friend told her to keep lying to me but she might want to end her affair. My wife agreed with her that it was stupid. So my wife then called her Other Man. Told him that I might know and he was really worried. Asked all kinds of questions? Asked how was it possible since they only talk at work? Only call on his phone which she synced up to her car. Told her to just keep lying everything would be Ok. He was worried about his wife finding out.

He then told her that he loved her Asked her if she wanted to meet and she was crying. Told him how stupid it was for the affair. She said they needed to end it. It was not fun anymore and she was not going to lose her marriage over him. So I did get those details out of waiting a few days.

My wife has been sweet since then and I am glad I waited to get more information. I still don't know why she cheated. But I think that she really is still in love with me. This is why I was so confused. I still don't know why she did it but I do not think she is in love with the OM.

I also did not want to tell my kids on Monday. I decided I would rather do it on a Friday so I am having her served on Friday. I will stop off at the college and tell the kids. My plans are still the same. I am going on a Week long golf vacation. I do not plan on talking to her for at least 3 days after she is served. I may even decide to wait until my vacation is over.

I may sound like I have it together but I do not. I loved her and it feels like a knife was stuck in my gut. My wife is very attractive so I know she will be fine without me. I know I will be fine without her. But it really hurts to know she did this. Like I said the guy is wealthy but other than that it really hurts my ego.

I honestly think my wife is going to really regret doing this. I know it will hurt her when I file and refuse to talk to her for a few days. I just want to let her know that I do know what she has done and I want to go golfing so I can start enjoying my life again. So I have a few more days of hell until I start down the path of ending our marriage. So that is my updated for now.

Reading the posts from others it sounds like others are able to forgive things like this. I cannot so I guess I may be weak in that sense but I sure loved her and treated her well. At least I found out that she did not intend to go off with him and leave me. But it is hard to believe she cheated for fun with him. I kind of want to rough him up a little but I made the vows with her and not him.

I may sound like I have it together but I do not. I loved her and it feels like a knife was stuck in my gut. My wife is very attractive so I know she will be fine without me. I know I will be fine without her. But it really hurts to know she did this. Like I said the guy is wealthy but other than that it really hurts my ego.

You have it well played, for not having it together. You are doing things exactly right for getting a divorce, or for reconciling.

Reading the posts from others it sounds like others are able to forgive things like this. I cannot...I kind of want to rough him up a little but I made the vows with her and not him.

Expose him. You have the audio. A one-time thing and never look back. You'll enjoy it.

Edit: forgot you intend to anyway.

Walking up to him, telling him You Know, and throwing a Big Gulp in his face...is that assault?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 3:34 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]

I understand all that you are going through, I respect your decisions, I am one of the ones would be happy to forgive and work on things.

I was never given the chance.

Give the OM's wife (OBS) the gift of knowledge immediately after she is served, if not just before. Your W and OM will get together and concoct some story about how "some insanely jealous husband is convinced that blahblahblah". You can see the script. OBS will believe because she wants to believe, most likely.

She needs to get tested for STDs because who knows how many times her H has done this.

You and your wife do, as well.

Free advice: If you find yourself wavering at all then be available when your W calls. It is quite possible that the stress and strain of being served will drive her to call you, friend, OM. You do not want this jackanapes, this poltroon, to have access to a vulnerable W before you get back from your golf trip.

Good luck and God bless.