SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Spaceghost, your campaign is what I like to term 'shock and awe'. You are literally going to dump the consequences of the affair right on her head. I know it hurts, and I was in the same boat. As soon as I found out 18m ago, I hit the lawyers the next day, packed my bags and started shifted money. I blew it wide open to her parents, my parents, and visited the OM to give him the 'state of the union' speech and threatened to smash his teeth down his throat if he contacted my wife again. As soon as the A was blown open, it was amazing how quickly it ended, and how quickly they threw each other under the bus.

I love the fact you are going to get away to zen out over the concurrent festivities; just please be sure you don't drink too much mate.

I would advise to not discount R, but I absolutely admire you having a line in the sand. It was always a deal breaker for me, but it's funny how your view changes when it happens to you.

Strength brother, check in while you're away and we'll support you.

Also, tactfully tell OMW. She has a right to know and it will be a sweeter revenge than any violence you could commit. And if he's as wealthy as he apparently is, this may just cost him dearly.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 10:27 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]

You by being strong created the best enviroment for r.

Best of luck.

I would suggest you place your evidence elsewhere. I would set up an account in your name and transfer half the funds. I would also buy a new burner phone, so you ca either give the kids the phone number or give it to a trusted relative. Turn off the find features. You can turn off access to the cell account. Also ask the hotel to block all calls or turn off the ringer. She may go bat shit and show up.

You have every right not to recover. Get tested for stds. Also think about individual counseling. I would also set up some counseling for your kids. Get names and give it to them.

If you have valuables you could rent a storage unit to keep everything in. I would honestly not speak to her for as long as you can. I would also ask her to be gone from the home when you return. If you work from home that is fair and reasonable.

I am sorry your going through this. You need to keep the car on you at all times.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through, but I'm glad you're sticking to your decision to divorce.

I strongly encourage you to continue/start therapy, as it will help you a lot.

Best wishes

Ghost, you are so strong, so logical and have everything sorted, I admire you but you must be in shock, don't rush any decisions, you are in control now ....some people on here post as if they are reading some magazine, as if its not real life.... this is Your life, everyone is different and each case of infidelity is different, its not some soap opera on tv, I have read your history, I know your thoughts on infidelity, they were mine too but sometimes something still has potential and the history you have created may deserve a chance. Look at how many people are affected by infidelity, its common, it happens to everyone, no one is exempt, a high percentage of people on here "Thought we had a good marriage", shit happens to the best of us......I know some people will have a go at me saying this but I have been thinking about you and I had to get this off my chest.....Good luck Ghost with whatever you decide, I know whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

Hey SG,

Thanks for posting an update. For the record, I don't think you are being weak at all. You know who you are and you know what you believe in and you are not compromising yourself or your beliefs regardless of the pain that you are surely enduring, that is strength.

I believe your post is getting so much "action" because there are many of us on this board who wished we could/would have done the same.

You got a quick glimpse of your near term future if you were to change your course. The first thing your WW did was to call her complicit "friend" and then her OM, not you. The OM showed his intent by " loving" her and wanting to see her in spite of it all. This is why blowing him up with his wife is esssential. Be prepared that she may not want to believe what you say. She may lash out at you especially since the OM now has a little heads up about what you may know and has had time to do some damage control. Show her everything, all the proof.

My advice is to stay the course, as you are. Who is to say that IF, and that is a big IF, your WW gets her head out of her ass and does all the work that she needs to do that you can't change your mind? IF that ever happens, you would be starting over together from a place that never caused you to compromise what you know is right.

As many of us here are cheering you on, I want to make sure that you don't lose sight of the fact that we know and understand how truly painful this experience of betrayal is for you and this board is here to support you. I found a lot of solace in the fact that others were in the same boat and reading here helped me wrap my head around some of the "crazy" that had become my life. It still amazes me how so many of our situations are so similar.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverThe Same at 7:05 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]

It's a sad story my friend. I can understand that this is a deal-breaker for you. But it also seems that she loves you and that you loved her.

given that, I think I would just level with her. I'd tell her that I know she cheated, and with who, and that it hurts that she continues to lie. And then tell her that she knew how you felt about cheating. And that unfortunately, you can't get over what she did so you're going to divorce her.

I know it's a great temptation to go for shock and awe. And maybe that's what you have to do. Make her hurt like you've been hurt! But my advice is, if you know for certain you're going to divorce, maybe it's time to actually act kindly. Tell her you've loved her and you're sad, and you wish her the best, and then give her the divorce papers.

I contemplated divorce before I finally decided to R. and when I thought I was going to divorce, I realized that I was grateful for the time we had together. and I wanted to treat her with the love and respect of someone who had been my wife, and the mother of my children.

i think.... if you've finally decided, you don't want to do anything that you would later regret. if you can, don't belittle or demean. Just get yourself out with as much grace as you can.

just my advice.

good luck friend. I'm sorry you're having to face this crap. in a sense, she took the future you hoped for, worked for, and planned, and destroyed it.

So does a woman who is very much in love with her husband cheat on him? If the answer is yes can someone explain to me why they do it? I really think she loves me very much. She does not know that I know about her affair. I would like to wrap my head around her cheating and try to make some sense of it all.

Boredom. The shiny bauble. Too much time on her hands. Boredom. Time running out. Boredom.

I heard a great quote one time..."Boredom is kryptonite to a marriage". Over and over I see that too. What is more exciting than a taste of forbidden fruit?

I agree with mike7. Now that you know for sure you are going separate ways, it'd be best to focus on your STBXW learning that as quickly and (relatively) painlessly as possible. A fast trip through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression and on to acceptance. Best for both parties. Hopefully your approach will get her there fast.

Sorry for your pain, bro.

It is my impression that in most cases where the WW is truly remorseful the BH is able to forgive.

Without remorse, R is nearly impossible. If the WW actually has remorse and takes complete responsibility for what she did, and does not resort to blame shifting, R is possible.

It is obvious his WW has no real feelings for the OM and this was an affair that dealt with something of her own, the outside validation stuff.

Already the OM is clearly ready to throw SpaceGhosts WW right under the bus. On the VAR, it is clear he is already in the cover his ass mode and couldnt care a less about the WW.

I would almost pay to see the look on the OMs face when he finds out the stuff is hitting the fan.

Doing this in the most amicable way possible might reduce your headaches about it, so it may have sense.

For anything else my advice is to do this in the way that will make YOU feel better about it, no other consideration.

Your wife didn't take your feelings into considerations when Handling her affair, you should do the same with the divorce. Keeping it gracious will make you feel better? Great. You want her to feel the heat? No problem. Whatever you feel will be good for you.

I would avoid entering long and bitter litigations, anyway, so you can begin the healing process as soon as possible.

Go on with the divorce for now. You'll have all the time later to understand if this is really a dealbreaker for you or if R might be taken into consideration.

Ghost,

I hope you are settled in your plan and probably are busy getting yourself mentally prepared for Friday.

I believe your post is getting so much "action" because there are many of us on this board who wished we could/would have done the same.

The above was was sent to you by Never The Same and I could not agree more. he also sent you the following and i hope you have read it again and again and it is etched in your mind;

You got a quick glimpse of your near term future if you were to change your course. The first thing your WW did was to call her complicit "friend" and then her OM, not you.

While you great resolve and thoughtful action have been unique and uplifting, your WW's response is not going to be unique at all.

Now that she suspects you know, she is finally understanding that she may be feeling the consequences and all of a sudden it is NOT fun anymore. She DID NOT say i have to end it because I love my husband too much to continue to do this and she would not even thought of ending it without your conversation with her last Friday. it was all about her and i quote

'I'm not losing my family over this". All bout her selfish self.

She is going to beg and plead and lie to you, probably with more direction from her buddy, and tell you she was about to end it anyway and you know that is not the truth. Her decision was to keep lying and being even more deceitful than she has throughout this.

Now I simply cannot understand why you are getting so much advice on reconciliation and her actions when you gave her a chance would make it seem less likely that you would consider any thoughts of R than if she had confessed to everything and been truthful.

At this point, her millionaire boyfriend may tell her how much "fun" he will provide her with and she may just tell you OK. Not likely, but a possibility and MORE of a possibility if you do not blow up his life a little bit. If you do not tell his wife, he may very well just decide to help her financially to keep her around for "fun".

I hope for your sake you stay the course. Right now, reconciliation should be the furthest thing from your mind.

Good luck. I wish you strength.

Now I simply cannot understand why you are getting so much advice on reconciliation and her actions when you gave her a chance would make it seem less likely that you would consider any thoughts of R than if she had confessed to everything and been truthful.

Because what you think you might do and what you actually do can be different. Because keeping options open and not burning bridges is generally smart business.

She had herself "an expensive meal and a fuck" buddy. She slippery-sloped her way down into a monstrous fuck-up. She is about to get appropriately blowtorched.

My gut is that she will be beyond remorseful, forever scarred by her mistake, and if she remarries she'd probably a faithful partner to the new husband. A good wife. Those are hard to find.

Because what you think you might do and what you actually do can be different. Because keeping options open and not burning bridges is generally smart business.

She had herself "an expensive meal and a fuck" buddy. She slippery-sloped her way down into a monstrous fuck-up. She is about to get appropriately blowtorched.

My gut is that she will be beyond remorseful, forever scarred by her mistake, and if she remarries she'd probably a faithful partner to the new husband. A good wife. Those are hard to find.

The OP stated more than once that infidelity is a deal breaker to him. While it's ok, IMO, to remind him that he can take a different decision as he proceeds, to keep writing lenghty posts about how he should seriously consider R is as disrespectful of him as posters writing continuosly "kick her to the curb" to someone who wants to reconcile.

As of now, there is no element that makes OP's wife especially deserving of being allowed to R.

She knew very well OP's serious issues with infidelity and how it devastated his childhood, but, nonetheless, engaged in an affair just for "some fun". She also went about it in a very organized and "cold" way.

The OP gave her a chance to come clean and instead she run out to talk to her OM.

The only sure thing here is that she's gonna be "Beyond regretful".

Remorseful is another story, and only OP may evaluate that if he should be willing to take another solution into consideration.

Because what you think you might do and what you actually do can be different. Because keeping options open and not burning bridges is generally smart business.

I agree with this mainly because any affair can be a deal breaker before that affair happens, and after DDay, and then things change.

Emotions change and thoughts change. I think we all know what the emotional roller coaster is like.

What his WW said to the OM, who knows what she really meant. Of course it would have been nice if she had phrased her words to the OM differently.

I think the idea of R comes up in this thread because after so many stories of WWs that don't get it and are not remorseful, this one just sounds different. Which is why I think waiting until after filing and see how she reacts is mentioned

One thing is certain. SpaceGhost has to blow up the OMs life, so he never ruins anyone elses lives again.

I agree with Italianjob. She knew full well what she was doing. She knew it was a deal breaker for SG....and yet she did it anyway.

What comes as a result is on her.

If I tell you the gun is loaded you don't put it to your head and pull the trigger and not expect expect to blow your brains out.

Conversely if you pick up a gun and have no Idea if it is loaded or not you HAVE A 50/50 chance that you will survive.

She knew the gun was loaded. SG told her don't play with that gun...and yet she still pulled the trigger. Because it was fun to play with.

And SG does not have to be around to clean up the mess because he stated in no uncertain terms that is a mess he will not deal with.

I agree with this mainly because any affair can be a deal breaker before that affair happens, and after DDay, and then things change.

Emotions change and thoughts change. I think we all know what the emotional roller coaster is like.

What his WW said to the OM, who knows what she really meant. Of course it would have been nice if she had phrased her words to the OM differently.

I think the idea of R comes up in this thread because after so many stories of WWs that don't get it and are not remorseful, this one just sounds different. Which is why I think waiting until after filing and see how she reacts is mentioned

One thing is certain. SpaceGhost has to blow up the OMs life, so he never ruins anyone elses lives again.

I don't read any remorse in her reaction, and there is nothing in this story that makes this WW a better candidate for R than anyone else.

Regret, I see a lot, remorse no, at least for now.

The OP is adamant for now about D and there is nothing at the moment that should make him change his mind.

After D papers are handed out, of course, anything might happen in OP's mind.

I agree he should absolutely expose the OM

The OP stated more than once that infidelity is a deal breaker to him. While it's ok, IMO, to remind him that he can take a different decision as he proceeds, to keep writing lenghty posts about how he should seriously consider R is as disrespectful of him as posters writing continuosly "kick her to the curb" to someone who wants to reconcile.

I get the impression SG is a big boy and can take or leave the advice as he sees fit. These threads are also catalysts for larger discussions. This is a unique one.

As of now, there is no element that makes OP's wife especially deserving of being allowed to R.

None of them deserve R. It's a gift to them and a smart move for yourself, if done right.

You R or not because it's the smart thing to do. You R if you think she will be the spouse you want and need going forward, and you can deal with the pain of the past yourself. My opinion.

Hey, she's made her bed and it's full of manure and now she's about to roll in it. I admire everything SG has done here. Perfectly handled. But I understand where other folks are coming from.

None of them deserve R. It's a gift to them and a smart move for yourself, if done right.

You R or not because it's the smart thing to do. You R if you think she will be the spouse you want and need going forward, and you can deal with the pain of the past yourself.

R is not smart as an absolute.

It might be the smart move to make in some cases, it might be not in other instances.

Every BS has to make that assessment for himself.

R is also damn hard work for both spouses, if it's not hard work it's called rug sweeping...

R is not smart as an absolute.

Oops, I meant to say *if* its the smart thing to do.

If its not...don't. For sure.

I agree with Italianjob and Nononsense. I also think that Italians last post was spot on.

SG will have time to reconsider if he wants but to him it's a deal breaker and I don't think anyone here should be pressing him on it.

I think he'll stay above the fray, not do a RA but simply set himself up for the future.

As Italianjob said, or maybe it was Nononsense, this was a cold cold affair, travelling 200 miles while he's out of town, lingerie and now lies and deceit

It sounds like it can be a clean break from here, no kids and now he can move on.

I applaud his morals and would definitely inform the OM's wife although if he does that, WW and OM may become an item and that wouldn't be good either.

Good job nononsense and Itjob for nailing this one on the head