SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Leave it to me to offer up the other side of the story. I understand that I may be typing for naught but I think it's imperative to remember that another option is ALWAYS a possibility until such time as that door is slammed shut.

Having her served does not mean that you are divorced. It takes a while for that to officially come through and the process can be stopped at any time. So... something to consider:

I, too, felt very strongly that infidelity was a marriage-ender. And, Lord knows, the shit my wife did probably deserved a divorce. But we didn't... we stuck it out and did the work and guess what? 3 years post-dday I am one of those rare cases where I can honestly say that my marriage is far better than where it was prior to discovery.

The point? People have affairs out of some personal issue - for women it's often self-esteem and validation. I can tell you that my wife, once smacked in the face - so to speak - immediately recognized, "Holy crap! What have I been doing???" It took a little bit (as it always does) to remove herself from her screwy perspective but when reality hit she was overwhelmed with guilt and shame and remorse - and ever since she has, literally, become a different person.

You don't know how your wife will react. Like most wayward spouses, she will - at first - lie and blameshift. In short, she'll validate your reasons for having her served.

But I would be completely remiss to not warn you that there's a chance that she may truly be sorry - and I don't mean the "oh my god I got caught" kind of sorry. I mean truly sorry. And willing to do whatever is necessary to save the marriage. She may look at her actions and see what has been lacking in herself and the attention she got from the OM will never replace what is most important - you.

I recognize that because of your past experiences with your own mom you see infidelity as a total deal breaker. But, like me and like many of us, sometimes that feeling changes once all is out in the open.

Bottom line? Stay open to every possibility. I hate to see marriages end because one party has made up their mind too early.

Just something to consider.

I agree with everything LifeisCrazy has said. I too thought that cheating would be an instant, no questions asked deal breaker for me. That is...until it happened. I know too that you have a history where infidelity marked your life more severely than most with the actions of your mother.

What I can tell you is that you are not alone. I thought and still believe that I had a great marriage. We have two children, had just finished building our dream home, great careers, got along great and even have a golden retriever. We were living the so called American dream and I treated her like a princess and always focused my attention to her every waking desire. And yet somehow everything I did was not enough and she had an A which knocked me on the floor when she confessed. It was the biggest slap in the face ever and I was shocked, hurt and pissed more than words can describe.

The point is that don't beat yourself up. Affairs can happen even in great marriages. Nobody is immune. Take it one day at a time and think things through very slowly and deliberately. Things will be better in time whether with her in your future or without.

Space Ghost,

First, your thread should be used as an example of how to handle this shit, but very few could contain the hurt and anger like you have for so long. So, congratulations on your resolve.

Second, at this point you should NOT even be thinking about any R. Your wife is a liar, cheater, and has deceived you in the worst possible way. When you tell the OM wife, you will find out if there is any real remorse on your wifes part. If his wife has caught him before, and has stayed to keep her affluent lifestyle, which is probably the case, your wife is probably not going to be running back any time soon.

I hope you come back and tell us what happens when she is served. You could probably get a lot of contributions from the group her to hire a photographer to film her face when she is served.

You dont need more proof and if his wife does not know then he will dump yours. Good luck.

Space, I was reading through your thread again....and for sure it is a terrible situation you have been thrown into by no fault of your own. I know I am stating the obvious. I gotta say that your composure and forethought are incredible.

You have thought this through to the last detail. That is quite a feat given that your spirit has been crushed by the woman who professed to love you.

There could be a little retribution in this for you. If OM's wife decides to divorce his cheating ass she will get half of his millions.

Just a thought.

Take care brother.

SPACE, dont have much to add that all the others havent already said except I must echo all the others an say I have not seen any one more organized an composed as you, after finding their wife was involved in an affair.Brace yourself as you might discover this was a LTA( long term affair) which for many of us, not all, is a deal breaker.just make sure you out the dirtbag OM to his wife. A face to face meeting is best with the other betrayed spouse in my opinion. She may or may not know about rich hubby s escapades but still, tell her. I know this is devastating to you, but your reaction is a model for all betrayed spouses. WELL DONE SIR .

Space; I will echo my admiration and also my sympathy for your situation.

You asked how this could happen. I will add my two cents.

The oft-recommended book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass details well how even happily married, otherwise normal people can get caught up in an A. This is often in a work place, which can seem outside the marriage or family life. People work closely together, look and act their best. When someone starts to pay even more attention (especially someone in power) the flattery can be very appealing. Who doesn't like someone who likes them? Pleasure/reward hormones start to kick in. Rationalizations began (one little drink won't hurt; I'm not really flirting; no one will know...). This is the slippery slope.

A line gets crossed. Then another. A stolen kiss. The spouse at home is none the wiser, the world doesn't end, the guilt becomes bearable. The next line gets easier to cross...

Happily married people are not immune to this sort of thing; really it could happen to almost anyone given the right circumstances. That's why boundaries are so important. A person needs to have their own boundaries and enforce them religiously because THEY want to stay faithful. Being attracted to another person doesn't make you a bad person, but it should be a signal to reinforce those boundaries.

I believe that your wife could still love you. Probably feels some guilt, which is why you are getting presents of declarations of love. But she is also getting her dopamine receptors flooded in a way that an addict would, and that is very hard to resist.

I wish you the best. And I will echo those who say perhaps to consider all options. Most of us here thought that infidelity would be a dealbreaker. I am another who have a much improved marriage with a very remorseful spouse.

We are all human. It's how we behave when the chips are down that is the true judge of character. So far you have shown much character. It is not impossible that your wife ultimately could too.

Space ghost,

Let me be one more to pile on and say not to give up too soon. Your wife’s affair is just cause for divorce but that does not mean it HAS to result in divorce. You plan is well thought out but there is the chance that the shock and awe of being served coupled with your notification to her affair partner’s wife will bring your wayward wife to her senses and leave open the possibility of recovery.

I am not a religious man but I do believe no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Sometimes the better measure of a person is in their ability to forgive another’s mistakes. Again, I don’t mean to preach.

My situation is similar to your only in that my wife and I were both happy and basically had a great life. My wife had an alcohol and hormone fueled a one-night-stand (you can read my profile story for more details) while out of town on a business trip then came home and confessed to me. When I asked her why she did it? What did I do wrong? What did I fail to do for her? She could only say that I did nothing wrong, she was happy in our marriage, and she just sort of got caught up in the moment and gave in to her base desires without thinking.

As “yearsofpain25” has said, affairs can happen in good and happy marriages. It is not about you or your marriage so much is it is about your wife. Something is broken inside her and she has boundary issues. If you accept that, then it is possible that she can fix herself and correct her boundary issues if she does the hard work.

Something I have not shared on SI before – My father had a three-week affair on my mother with a coworker when I was 9 years old. I did not know about it at the time and did not learn of it until I was 23 when my older brother made reference to it at a family gathering. I asked my Mom about it privately later and she confirmed that it was true. She told me they worked through it. She said that my dad had some issues he needed to address at the time and “fixed” himself. (I’m sure he did not fix himself without a lot of loving support from my mother). My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year, are much in love, and are happily enjoying their retirement together. I’ve looked at my parent’s relationship as inspiration to help me work past my wife’s betrayal.

My point being, don’t give up too soon.

[This message edited by BetrayedbyONS at 5:24 PM, January 29th (Thursday)]

I think your preparation is a great idea. Go ahead with your plan, do serve her, do tell the other BS. You might want to hold off on telling the kids.

But - your marriage might be salvageable. There are 100s on this site that have saved their marriages (of course 100s that could not, and 100s that thought they had just to have their spouse cheat again).

You are still reeling from the discovery. You might feel differently in a month, or two, or a year. I have heard some on the site say give it 6 months.

I always said if my husband cheated that would be it. No questions, no discussions, it would be over. Then it happened. My story is a bit different, there were 25 good years of marriage between the A and when I found out about it. I am glad I didn't find out years ago, I would have left my husband and missed out on having a beautiful daughter and many great years with him.

You don't need any talk about reconciliation right now . You have a great plan and until you see what the reaction is don't waste your time thinking about taking her back yet. You have enough on your plate and don't waver from the plan .

The only bad part about going ghost for three or four days is it gives her and OM time to figure out a plan of action .

To go to the level of deceit she has and cover her tracks so welll she is most likely quite emotionally involved. And the OM millionaire is most likely not I his first rodeo so don't be surprised if his wife knows , if not about your wife but about others. She would not be the first woman to stay in a marriage and tolerate her husbands affairs rather than give up her opulent lifestyle . I guess there are men also who could be that way. Don't want to be sexist here.

If his wife does not know he will most likely dump your wife at first rather than have her be the mostmexpensive piece of ass money can buy.

But this guy has the resources to always be a threat to you and Inthink you said she works for him. That needs to end

You have made as perfect a plan as any one could do in this situation. Stick to it and do not show any mercy.'if he dumps her of course she will come begging . Means nothing.

Cross that bridge if it happens . Don't count on it and not sure why you would want it .

Did I miss something?

What are all the Reconciliation Cheerleaders writing about?

The OP has stated that he considers infidelity a deal breaker, he has no intention of reconciling at the moment, and he seems to know what he wants very well.

If he should hint at trying to take his wife back, then you'll have business talking to him about reconciling, but now I think that this kind of insistence is just out of place.

Some people can live with certain things, Others just can't.

I hate to see marriages end because one party has made up their mind too early.

If this marriage ends, it does so because one party fucked some other guy, not because the OP's party "made up his mind too early", just sayin'

judging by your posts, today is the day she gets served just want to say good luck and stay strong.

Also i don't really get the comments trying to convince him to make a choice that wont make him happy i.e reconcile.

For some people infidelity is just too much of a bridge to cross and also considering what his mom did im not in the least bit surprised he has pulled the plug.

Hi, Spaceghost, another member sending support and encouragement.

We are here if you need us.

BTW, there is a Betrayed Men's thread in I Can Relate forum, a great bunch of SI veterans down there who will help you through this nightmare.

Stay strong, I am praying for you and your family.

Thank you for all of the well wishes and posts to everyone who posted to me. Even the people I disagree with it gives me a new perspective.

My wife has always treated me well. If I did not know about the affair I have to be honest she seems to still be in love with me. I wanted to shock her but I would like to find out why she did what she did. I realize she is the only one that can do that but reading these posts has helped calm me down.

From my perspective I still think she loves me. I know I have never lost my love for her until I found out. We had several talks through the years about cheating.

Besides my Mom we all see cheating around us. I had a good friend of mine who dearly loved his wife. Being a "Man" a lot of us suffer by ourselves when our wife cheats on us. I was at work when someone asked me if my buddy was getting divorced. I sit by this guy and never knew he was divorcing. Another employee saw his wife with another man and she was pregnant. One day he did not come in to work a year after the divorce. My friend had a heart attack and passed away. He was 35 years old and so my wife and I talked a lot about this.

Maybe he just had a weak heart but I will never know. It really hurt him what had happened. My wife and I both vowed to never do this to each other. I know this sounds made up but I just think sleeping with another man is not something I can forgive.

I do want to know if she has cheated our whole marriage. I also want to know why she did it. So after reading all the posts I thought I would try and let her come clean so I can find out what I need to know.

She wants to go out tonight. She does know there is something wrong with me but she does not know what it is. So here is my plan tonight.

I am going to sit her down and give her the chance to come clean. I am going to tell her I think she is having an affair and I would like for her to talk to me about it. I will not give up my P.I. information but I will confront her on not answering her phone. Her new grooming habits and the lingerie I saw that she washed and never used with me.

I am going to give her the chance to come clean. If she denies I am just going to tell her Ok but if I find out differently then I am going to end our marriage. I also have a voice activated recorder in her car now so I will see if I can find out the why and I want to know if she is in love with him. she seems so nice to me so it is hard to know.

I am going to have her served on February 2nd. It will be the month or our wedding anniversary and she wants to know what we are doing to celebrate and where we are going. I have been very stressed so I am taking a week and going golfing.

I am also going to let the Other Man know that I know about the affair with my wife. I do know his wife and I will be talking to her. She is a realtor so I know her and will let her know so I can cause him to wish he had never done this.

And I want this to end so I can stop faking everything. It is going to feel nice starting to think about myself and getting some golf in and putting my life back to normal.

I never thought this would happen to me. Again, it seemed like we were happy. I want to know what went wrong and give her a chance to have her say before I leave her for good. I may sound like I have it together but this really hurts.

I will post back after our talk tonight.

[This message edited by SpaceGhost0007 at 2:58 PM, January 30th (Friday)]

Good luck and God speed to you SpaceGhost. We are here for you with whatever you need.

Be prepared for her to gaslight you and blameshit. If she feels like she has been caught she may go ballistic. Remain as cool as ice through it all if you can so that she knows that her emotional actions cannot effect you. Take a VAR with you as well.

yop

Ok. But do not go out. Do it at home. Do not do this in a public place.

If she knows an affair is a deal killer and she wants to stay married she will lie. So why hod back info? Why not tell her that you know, no point in denying, and ask how long, who else over the years, and why? Stay with these three questions and do not justify yourself, your life or anything else. Good luck.

Have a VAR on you at all times, in case she goes ballistic and starts threating with accusing you of domestic violence etc.

Best wishes

I just wanted to pass along my good thoughts to you for this evening and the coming week. I completely understand how you can sound like everything is fine, but feel like you are dying inside. Having to keep up appearances through this had to have been hard on you.

You already know this, but there is no right way or wrong way to deal with this crap. You do what you have to face another day. Stay in control. Do things that bring you peace when life gets to you, etc.

It is your life and only you get a vote in it.

Anyway just wanted to remind you that we are here if you need support or someone to listen, etc.

Peace brother.

I am going to give her the chance to come clean.

It never works out that way. Like others wrote, be prepared for at first, lies and denials. Then the minimizing like it was only a kiss or we were going to but never did have sex.

You know how shocked you were when you found out, she will be shocked as well. And shock can do funny things to people at first.

Sometimes the initial reaction is complete defensive posturing. Where she will say ugly things to make herself look to be in the right. Then the WS usually realizes that is not right and changes.

Like the post above, if she knows having an affair is divorce without question, there might not be any reason for her to be honest.

Her fantasy will crumble and shock her, it always amazes me how the WS really believes they will never be caught and they are the only people ever to know. Brain chemistry changes I guess.

Dont do this in public!

And remain calm. It is far worse to hear the actual truths then you can imagine. You can know, you can see the pictures of them together, but it is worse to hear the actual admission of truth.

Good luck, space ghost. I hope you get some answers (but I know she'll only give part of the story). You're a strong man. Yet everyone posting knows how awful this is. Fucking horrible.

Space,I think you need to pretty much stick to your original plan an have her served at at work, before you say anything to her. Shock an Awe! An tell the betrayed wife of the dirtbag at the same time. It would be easy enough to coordinate. If you start fishing for answers now from your wife, good bet she will deny everything an tip off OM that you know, who in turn could spin a story to his wife about you being some kind of crazy nut job. I know you have proof through a P.I. but you will keep them on the ropes by exploding it in their face. STRENGTH.