SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

By the way did you have a sit down with your inlaws to discuss the issues and her affair?

Seek their guidance.

Shock your wife.

She needs it.

Stay cool, calm and collected.

6 month separation means exactly what the others have said.

She will continue to abuse you, yes this abuse, and manipulate you as long as you allow it.

How about putting the brakes on her bullshit, and telling her if she wants a 6 month separation that she pack her shit and leave. Make things uncomfortable for her.

She is the one that chose this. She should be doing any heavy lifting.

I asked her if she still planned on sleeping around during this 6 months and she said she hadn't even thought about it which not sure to believe but up until the affair she has always been honest and truthful.

BULLSHIT. She is no longer truthful. That person is gone. Accept it now. The one way you can tell she is lying is if her lips are moving. She is going to spin this any old way she can to get the best of both worlds, and if you don't pop the fantasy bubble soon she is only going to continue to hurt you.

Correction: right now she IS calling the shots, with no impetus to relinquish that control.

I stand corrected and agree with this.

Notice how fast your thread is heating up here? How many of us are rushing to get you sound advice? That's because we have seen your type of scenario happen many times and know that it does not end well for you. That action to get you out of your burning house is needed now. Please listen to the others and heed their advice. There is a vast wealth of experience coming in from these infidelity vets you see here.

Stay calm. Stay strong even if you don't feel strong. Stay on the 180. Expose the A. Contact an attorney. Let her see the consequences of her actions. She's going to get pissed and resent you. Expect that. But she already does resent you. She's selfish which is what allows her to do what she needs to do to you.

yop

eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:30 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

Also, I believe you asked about finances. If the house is both of your names, she owes half the monthly payments. Whether she likes it or not.

She needs to start paying for all of her own bills. I would assume getting a masters degree costs some money. Well, she is going to pay of the house payments and another place to live plus all of her bills.

Your wife says she would like a 6 month separation, did she tell you where she is planning to live, because my guess is with the OM.

MAYBE.

There is a good chance this OM is married. Is there any way you can find out who this OM is?

I am thinking the OM is a college student in the Masters program and not married but I have no idea. She admitted it's just a fling and not forever so I'm not worried about her falling in love. The only new people she has met has been through her Master's program in the last month.

What I am worried about is my own sanity and what to say now in the MC session tomorrow--especially if I am keeping with 180?? Seems contradictory.

I have not confronted the in-laws yet. I will see them tonight, see my kids, put them to bed, and go exercise. I will wait to say anything until after tomorrow's session.

Again, my issue is do I give this a chance? Lay down ground rules for a separation or in the end just go for divorce and spare myself any further hurt.

She admitted it's just a fling and not forever so I'm not worried about her falling in love.

You are pretending to read her mind and predict the future, and that can get your into big trouble.

When it comes to dealing with other people that are very unpredictable and possibly unstable, do not try to read their minds and predict their intentions.

When it comes to affairs, love is NOT what you think it is. There is fog love, which will turn your wife into someone you never knew before.

FIND OUT who it is, don't guess.

It could be a teacher for all you know.

And you say you are not worried about her falling in love, by saying that, you are sort of implying it is okay for her to come home to you and tell you she is having sex with some guy...unprotected sex.

What happens if she gets pregnant by this other guy?

There are many many dangers in waiting around for affairs to fizzle out or thinking it could be okay because it's not love.

She might have already talked to a lawyer and is planning on whatever. 6 months gives her time to plan.

Do you give the marriage a chance, only if she immediately starts acting like your wife and like an adult. She has to explain herself and her hurtful comments I would think.

She obviously has to tell you who. She has to stop the affair. She has to go to IC and figure out what gave her the right in the first place to hurt you like this.

And importantly, this cannot be swept under the rug.

Oh, and do not believe words like it was just a fling. What exactly does that mean anyway. It means to her, that she can go out and have sex with any other guy and come home to you with hurtful comments and don't worry, it was just a fling.

Liars will completely minimize the truth.

Liars in affairs will say anything to completely misdirect you from knowing the real truth and their real intentions.

Here's a good article that addresses some parameters about a separation.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/can-marital-separation-make-your-marriage-better

I am thinking the OM is a college student in the Masters program and not married but I have no idea. She admitted it's just a fling and not forever so I'm not worried about her falling in love.

She is asking for 6 month separation over a fling?

First of all you shouldn't take her word for it. She likely expects or knows you want it to be true that she won't fall in love.

If you're right about who the OM is then my guess is that he's using her but doesn't want to commit to her. So many OM promise the world to their AP and as soon as they leave their BH the OM runs.

However, none of that really matters. Who the OM is and what he does. Whether it's lurv or a fling. What matters is how she treats you and the M. There is nothing in her actions that she has any regard for either.

You need to act based on the W you have now. Not the one you had before or hope to have in the future. Doing the 180 doesn't mean ignoring. You can go to MC. Just calmly state what she needs to do to save the M from her actions and choices. It's not a debate. It just is. It's up to her now. What you control is how you respond to it. You have to let go of the outcome because you can't control whether you R or not.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:07 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Shocked,

have you read any of the advice here?

Your last post implies that you believe that you are working with a person (wife) who is negotiating in good faith. You aren't because she isn't.

You're framing the whole issue wrong. It's not be about figuring anything out. It should be about how to remove yourself from infidelity.

Where is Bigger? He lays it out so well.

Your wife is dominated by her feelings right now. She wants the 6 months to continue indulging them guilt free and to have more sex with OM. Sure, she can say that she will be 'thinking things over'.

You will lose that game. She has flipped a switch in her that turns you to the off position.

Rarely do marriages ever survive separations like that. Doormat separations.

Marriages do survive a separation when the WS has been kicked out as the BS removes themselves from infidelity.

Why are you afraid of telling the in laws? You seem intent on delay.

Dude, I’m not sure you’re listening to us.

You just asked “my issue is do I give this a chance?”. We all understand, including you, that you want to give this M a chance otherwise you wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t be responding.

Your W informed you just days ago that she slept with another man. Holy shit, right? This just happened. This is fresh. So unless you’re some kind of zombie, you’re gonna want to protect & save your M. Normal reaction.

So I disagree with you about “my issue is do I give this a chance” … like I said before think about that in about 6 months or so … for now figure out how to play the hand you’ve been dealt.

Who is her AP? You need to know. Is he M’d? Don’t assume he’s a student or a prof - fact is she slept (probably sleeping) with someone she met while attending her class(es). Find out who that enemy is and if he’s M’d tell his W - she needs to know too. If he’s not M’d then Shock & Awe his ass … get him the fuck away from your family. NOW!

And demand complete disclosure. You have a commitment to your family - the family that you created - the family that has expectations for you to lead it - SO LEAD IT. If she wants 6 months of separation then by all means give it to her. Put her clothes in a green bag and leave it on your driveway - change the locks - do not compromise. She’ll beg you to let her back in if not immediately then by Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas. She can’t be away from her children’s holidays for long, trust me. Use her “6 months” against her. Use it as leverage. She’ll fold…prepare for that.

How/why on earth would you have your in-laws spend the next week at your house considering that your W wants a separation? They are her … separate from them too. You must.

Like I said before … take control … take control now while you can. Your W is sleeping with the enemy … don’t let the enemy invade your house.

Don’t be afraid to do these things. Be the man that you surely are … take the offensive role now otherwise you’ll be playing defense until this game is over.

We’re here for ya!!

[This message edited by sportsfan at 2:22 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

You have assumed that what she is saying is the truth, and you have assumed that you have a chance, and yet you have done nothing to get clarification.

You bet your sweet ass you can go into this with clear demands on what you want for R, and what is required with S. Do NOT allow her to be in control. She is the one that is breaking all the rules, if it were your kid that was breaking all the rules, would you allow them to develop their plan of how to correct it?

Stick with 180, after you make it perfectly clear what is needed for her to make either choice. Quit listening to her words. Quit assuming you know.

Assume if she is speaking she is lying. Let her prove the truth. She has destroyed your trust, and then was brutal about showing that she had.

You deserve much more.

(((and strength))))

I guess I don't see the point in telling the in-laws. What good will it do? Revenge? They will side with their only child. Even if they support me I will want nothing to do with them if I file divorce.

My feelings right now--I don't want to continue to hurt. I would prefer divorce right now but deep down I don't think I could live with myself without seeing how this plays out. That's what's messed up. I guess a lot will come out of the session tomorrow (or after the session if I want answers).

You don’t have to tell her parents anything … why would you? Just tell them that this week is a bad week for a visit and leave it at that.

Control this ...

I would prefer divorce right now but deep down I don't think I could live with myself without seeing how this plays out. That's what's messed up. I guess a lot will come out of the session tomorrow (or after the session if I want answers).

Your WW knows this about you. She's banking on you not doing anything. She's in the drivers seat until you take action and start throwing her off her game.

You don't tell the in-laws out of revenge. You don't do anything out of revenge because that leads to nothing good for anyone.

You tell the in-laws because of your #1 priority right now. What is that #1 priority? To get the fuck out of infidelity. That's why you expose her behavior. It's going to make her think about her actions. It's going to make her see consequences. That this is no longer a fantasy that she can keep up in her head. As a parent, if one of my daughters was having unprotected sex with strangers, I would try smacking some sense into her regardless of her H. Then I would have a serious discussion on what M is...which in my DD's case would not be the first she would be hearing about such things.

You also expose the A from possible future activity. The more that know about it, the more real it becomes. They can still take the A underground or her behavior with ONSs underground, but it will certainly make it harder to do so and will also make the consequences more severe on herself if she continues to do so.

Please contact and attorney and listen to everyone here.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:36 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

You need to tell the in laws because infidelity thrives on secrecy. If she didn't want people to know she shouldn't have done it.

Whether you tell them or not, DON'T let them stay in YOUR house.

If you file for divorce (and I would, right now), you can always stop it later. It doesn't happen over night. If she SHOWS you remorse (don't listen to what she SAYS, she is a liar), then you can stop the divorce and work on healing the M.

I wouldn't even bother with MC tomorrow. You don't need a third party - you tell her how it's going to be, period. Doesn't need to involve anyone else, especially for a fee.

ETA: In case you haven't read my threads - my wife has been begging, fucking BEGGING me to take her back for weeks now. I didn't let her wipe her slutty shoes on me... I was tough. I called the shots. I don't want her, but if I did, I could have her.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 2:36 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

What everyone is saying is 100% accurate. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Embarrassment and out in the light makes affairs real. To most WS, affairs are never real until the whole world knows, then they aren't affairs, they are huge wrongs.

What does your wife say about her parents in town and what you should say to them?

Another concern is that your wife will most likely tell them a ton of lies, like you are the cause of everything bad in this world, including causing the affair. You are the original ogre and caused the separation. So, they need to know that the real cause of any separation is she is having sex with other guys.

I think you said you wanted to see how this plays out. This is not a game. You don't get four quarters here.

She could be talking to a lawyer. You could be left without a penny or a home all because of some other guy.

Make no mistake about this, the OM is your real enemy along with your wife at this time.

You have to be PROACTIVE, you cannot be reactive. You cannot wait around for the next shoe to drop. You have to be out in front of everything right now.

I guess I don't see the point in telling the in-laws. What good will it do? Revenge? They will side with their only child. Even if they support me I will want nothing to do with them if I file divorce.

My feelings right now--I don't want to continue to hurt. I would prefer divorce right now but deep down I don't think I could live with myself without seeing how this plays out. That's what's messed up. I guess a lot will come out of the session tomorrow (or after the session if I want answers).

You won't get answers tomorrow. Your wife will. She will see whether her complaints resonate with the counselor. She is trying to figure out how to get through her ordeal without too much damage to her sense of self-worth.

The result will only be a change in how she presents her infidelity. So prepare yourself for disappointment in this session. A lot of piddly complaints about trivial things that have nothing to do with where she is right now. Counselors can't perform magic tricks. The first session is mostly an introduction, anyway.

A six-month separation? Sounds awful. When we marry, we make a commitment. Not only to be faithful, but to treat our partners with dignity and caring. Obviously, you are not in her thoughts right now.

I understand the need to try anything and everything to save the marriage. That will help your peace of mind down the road. In the meantime, while this horrible limbo period goes on, you need to focus on preparing yourself for the rest of your life. Being a good parent.

Whether she is with you or not, you have an opportunity to work on yourself and become a better person. We all can use improving, and so rarely take that time.

Telling the in-laws. Affairs don't handle stress very well. That's why we expose them. Yes, they will "side" with her, which basically means your information will make them sad. But it will force your wife to look at this differently. She will feel foolish, because at some point, she expected their support for you as her partner. Being parents, they did their parent thing, which was probably expensive and also meant welcoming you to their family.

So it makes her aware that she's asking them to undo something important that she asked them to do. It forces her to make some choices earlier than she would have liked. It forces her to justify to her parents (not that she will, necessarily) why this loser was so important that she had to step out of her marriage.

^^^ disclosure is a key to shining a light on the affair. Affairs do not thrive well out in the open.

if your wife was wanting to reconcile, was no contact, was transparent, then disclosure would not have that purpose.

if your goal isn't to end the affair, then maybe don't disclose.

if your goal is to try to end the affair or get out of a place where you are sharing your wife, then you should disclose and maybe even wider then the in laws.

so what are you afraid of? Making your wife 'mad'?

stand up for yourself.

read through this thread again.

it is all from folks who have been in your shoes.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:58 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

Please like almost everyone has said affairs thrive in secrecy.

Tell her parents she is having an affair and any help they can provide would be great.