SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shocked,

To cope with the anxiety then THINK:

“What is the worst possible outcome from the MC session?”

If you are thinking that the worst outcome is a decision to divorce then think again.

This session is simply a session. Its two people sitting down trying to communicate their desires and wishes. That’s it.

Your wife has already shown an inability to communicate. When I read your initial post my first thought was “suicide by cop”. That’s where someone does something or takes some action that forces a police officer to shoot them – knowing all the time the likely outcome.

Your wife asked for a divorce but didn’t have the balls to file or the integrity to take part in a possible salvage mission. She then has an affair (and from my understanding all you have is her word that she had an affair) and is very loud and vocal about the affair – hammering on the details she KNOWS will cut into you.

What she’s doing is hoping YOU pull the trigger on divorce.

OK – So what would be the absolute worst outcome of today?

Well… frankly nothing too bad.

You could decide to reconcile.

You could decide to divorce.

You could decide to let things cool down and have a couple of more sessions.

The ABSOLUTELY worst outcome of today’s session pales compared to the ABSOLUTELY worst outcome of your overall situation:

That 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years from today you will STILL be in infidelity. That your marriage is still a shambles and that you still have reason to believe WW is having an affair.

So basically the ONLY wrong thing or bad thing that can happen today would be an acceptance or decision on your half to remain where you are. To remain in infidelity.

Bigger

I like that

Read Bigger! He is correct. First and foremost, Staying in a marriage that involves 3 or more is the worst of all outcomes.

She admitted it's just a fling and not forever so I'm not worried about her falling in love.

I would be.

Just a fling?

It's an affair.

Of course she wants a seperation.

She wants to see what else is out there.

Fill out the D papers and file.

If your WW comes to her senses, you don't have to go through with it.

Well, MC was definitely better than expected. We are getting a divorce and I feel SUCH A RELIEF. Like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders. I told her I could not do an amicable divorce and work together for the kids unless she promised not to have sex with the OM again and that we would not see other people until after the divorce. She said she could do that because the long term benefit is worth it.

We are going to continue MC together in an effort to make this process as amicable as possible knowing we still have to deal with each other until our kids are grown.

MAN--I feel so much better. I cried a lot. My eyes and head hurt. But at least there is a decision now and I can move forward. Now I can focus on myself and my kids.

Shocked,

I'm sorry the marriage is ending but glad you are doing better. Did she ever tell you the name of the OM?

We are here for you as navigate the divorce process! You should check out the Betrayed Men section in the I Can Relate section of SI.

I'm glad you agreed to be amicable.

Please see a lawyer ASAP. D is a legal process and has its own rules regardless of what you discussed in MC. You need to make sure your interests are protected. There is little that is legally enforceable regarding seeing other people while waiting for D to finalize. The courts seem to care very little for seeing other people during the M for that matter.

You can probably put language into any custody sharing agreements regarding overnight guests.

One last thing. You need to be prepared for the possibility that your stbxww might talk in a regretful manner at some point. As you detach and focus on yourself and get healthier your stbxww will realize she no longer has you on the hook. This happens a lot when the OM turns out to not be the KISA they envisioned. Stay the course if you see signs of this happening.

Damnit man I'm sad and glad for you all in the same breath. This woman doesn't need to be in your life because she's not worthy of you. I know you love her because you married her but I'm pretty confident that in 3 years from now you'll be sitting high on a hill and she will be left with her misery. It always works that way. she may be happy for a time but it won't last because people that do these sorts of things are extremely messed up.

Record everything you speak with her about so she doesn't try and rewrite the marital history and try and make you out to be the one with the problems.

Glad a decision has been made. However. . . .

She is a liar so don't be betting your future on her being decent.

Get your ass to an attorney ASAP. No seriously you need to protect yourself and your kids. And if you think she will do what's right just remind yourself of what she just did.

I would skip the cost of the MC. Focus on You First. Kids second and screw her. Seriously make her at the bottom of your priority list if you don't chances are she will fuck you over hard.

I still feel like crap, dreading the future. I am going to see an IC because I know I need it. Utrehd you are right, I believe in karma and I am owed some good karma sometime down the line.

I am still doing 180 outside of MC with my own IC. With that, my friends, family, this board and the strength and resolve I know I have I WILL make it through this. It's going to suck but everyone here has made it right?

It gets easier after they move out. Until then, try and learn the 180. It doesn't fix anything, but it helps both of you deal with the reality of the situation.

I'm glad she's no longer going for that six months of purgatory b.s..

Talk to your lawyer about getting exclusive rights to the house. It will be much easier if she is gone during this process.

I didn't sleep much last night. How do I cope with all the thoughts of what she is doing when I am not around? How do I move on and cope? I do want this to be amicable but my emotions are all over the place. I can't stop the thoughts. What helps?

The only thing that really helps is time.

Strenuous exercise will help somewhat. You need to FOCUS on yourself.

Look up on youtube on tapping technique for anxiety control for starters. Try walking around the neighborhood as well. Google ways to control anxiety and see if anything works. Your job now is to heal. Focus on that instead of what your WW is doing.

You have a direction now, so the day to day agony will subside quicker than if you were stuck in limbo. Word of advice, although you want an amicable D, expect her to change her tune when it comes close to being official D. Just be prepared for the worst.

Speaking of which, was it YOU, HER, or BOTH of you that concluded D in that MC meeting? How exactly did that come to conclusion?

I didn't sleep much last night. How do I cope with all the thoughts of what she is doing when I am not around? How do I move on and cope? I do want this to be amicable but my emotions are all over the place. I can't stop the thoughts. What helps?

Not unusual at all. When this shitstorm hits many of us go into a full on fight/flight mode that is pretty intense and can last for a while.

Meditation, progressive relaxation, and changing habits, exercise, and behaviors will help to get a handle on it. However for the interim many of us found some relief from the land of pharmaceuticals.

I encourage to talk to your Dr. Let them know what is going on in your world. There is no shame, and they often can be that first person outside your immediate circle that finds out without judgement, and can give rec's on IC.

They can assess if you would benefit from a antdepressants, or anti anxiety meds, or even something to just help you sleep.

Start making lists and getting yourself organized. This will help you feel like you are gaining some control back.

It's time to put you first, and make yourself a priority. Do nice things for you. Create a routine around bedtime, and going to sleep. Often with a warm bath, or relaxing shower. A sound machine in your room (apps for your phone are free and work well), make it cool. No phone or electronic devices in your face for 30 minutes prior to lights out. It stim's your brain like sunshine does. Get some good old fashioned books, and start reading a bit before sleep.

I remember in the pre dday, and immediate post dday months I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours a night for many nights. It was awful, and made me much more emotional, and less able to make good decisions.

Before you seek pharmaceuticals, get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist (not a psychologist). Brain chemistry is very delicate, takes time to alter, and we don't fully know the long-term effects.

Understanding the difference between situational depression (which we all get) and Depression is something psychiatrists study constantly. A full evaluation is necessary.

If you're desperate for sleep (again, something most of us experience in the early days), take OTC anti-histamines or mild sleep-aids at a recommended dosage.

Shocked 27

There is only one word in your vocabulary for the foreseeable future

DETACHMENT

Stay on the 180

in the months to come at some point

She will try to come back

Without question Happens all the time.

Make it clear to all that are close to you why this is happening

Because brother she will make you out to be the bad guy

More important than ever to tell your in-laws and your own parents

Focus on being the best man and father you can be

55

[This message edited by GTI55 at 6:45 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

Shocked

You need to focus on you. Stop worrying what your wife is up to.

Because you cannot control her actions.

Have you talked to your inlaws yet?

They probably already know. I do hope you tell them the truth about the affair.

Also let them know that you are trying to keep it amicable. You have asked your wife to keep her legs closed for the time being and you appreciate their support.

Make them your allies.

And shocked, you are going to get angry. It is natural.

Keep the focus on you and a better future for your kids.

In time your life will be great.

The proof is here on TAM.

HM

Thanks. Going to IC counseling tomorrow. Interestingly I either must still be in denial but researching divorce process and talking it through with WS has not bothered me. I think I know now this is the best outcome.

I found out about the OM and confronted her about it and that was very therepetuic. Like getting closure. Now we talk about the D process in a very matter of fact way. I know the months to come are going to suck. I may need help sleeping. I am trying HARD to now forget about the fling and move forward. I still cry when I think about having to tell the kids next month. The thought crushes me right now.