SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, where do I start? I guess my wife has had issues for awhile. We have been married 13 years. She told me back in January this year that she wanted a divorce. At that time I told her let me focus on myself to be a better person. The prior 6 months were very difficult. Finding out a family member had cancer, losing my job, having kidney stones for the first time in January as well. I got a job in March and things seemed to be better. I went out of town 2 weeks ago and a week later she tells me on a Friday night she had unprotected sex with another man and it was totally fulfilling and she doesn't regret a thing. I asked her if she cared about me and she said as the father of her children. She recently went back to school to get her Masters and I'm sure this is where she decided to have the affair. She wouldn't give me any details beyond saying it happened once and she had no regrets and it was wonderful blah blah blah. When she told me it ripped my heart out and I wanted to die. I know I have to be there for my children but I can't sleep and I am not hungry, I can't concentrate on work. I don't know who to tell and who not to tell about it. What's worse is her parents are coming in town tonight. How am I supposed to handle that? They are staying for a week. I have been very nice before and since d-day on Friday. She told me last night she is worried that my actions will not lead me to my desired outcome. Which I interpret as this is over. We are supposed to go to counseling on Wed (long standing appt waiting 2 months to see this person). I am sensing she is just going to appease me and will tell me at the end it's over.

Anyway, I can't sleep, eat, concentrate. I am a wreck. I know I need to mentally prepare for the invetable that it's over but it's SOOO hard. When you still have feelings for someone that hurt you so bad. So messed up!

Any advice, support would be greatly appreciated.

yes it rips a hole in your soul. Sounds like she did this to punish you? She is being a major ass. You need to protect yourself. Get tested for STD's, See a Dr about sleeping pills, Go see a lawyer, now. Know your rights. Document any and all interaction you have with her regarding your marriage. does she want out? Is she interested in separation. Go to counseling asap. Take care of yourself and your kids. Focus on them, not her.

So sorry to hear this. Unfortunately in my opinion when a wayward acts like your wife is acting and is basically rubbing it in your face how great the other guy was, there is really nothing to do but move on. Go see an attorney and protect yourself. That's the one area that made me stay with my ww. When I found out, she ended it with him and we tried again. There is nothing your wife is saying which desreves anything other than you protecting yourself and moving on. Good luck.

Shocked

Your wife has issues.

Not only do you need to see a lawyer but you need to distance yourself from her.

And when your inlaws arrive do yourself a favor.

Have the kids out of the house or asleep. Sit your wife and inlaws down and tell them why your wife wants a divorce and let them know of her infidelity.

Ask for their advice. Their counsel.

And watch your wifes face for any reaction.

SHock her back.

And if she does not show one ounce of remorse for her actions then you need to plan your next steps with an attorney.

Not a MC.

Can you tell us why your wife felt it was OK to sleep with another man?

Why she chose to hurt you in this way?

HM

That's what I think my gut tells me but it's mixed messages. Prior to the "one time" while I was out of town she was kissing me, telling me she loved me, we had sex. I told her this was all very confusing for me. When I asked her back in January what the issues were she said she couldn't tell me because if it was that easy it would be fixed by now. What kind of answer is that. I know the logical side of me knows she is messed up emotionally, going through some sort of mid-life crisis and it's not my fault but man the hurt really sucks. How do you guys get through the initial days? Plus I have to deal with in-laws this week? How am I supposed to do that?

She won't give me any details other than it was something she had thought about for awhile. It's all about her right now. She is in that affair fog.

Have the kids out of the house or asleep. Sit your wife and inlaws down and tell them why your wife wants a divorce and let them know of her infidelity.

I agree with this. Do not let your wife blame you for her affair. Do not let your wife lie to others do make her affair be okay. And do not let your wife rewrite your history.

She might try all of these things.

Affairs are one thing, but what your wife did is total cruelty and no person should hurt another person like this. Only a complete ass or someone mentally unstable would purposely say what she said to hurt you like this.

Remember, no one has a right to hurt another person like this.

See a lawyer right away, learn your rights as a man and a father. And close ALL credit accounts and bank accounts in both of your names today.

Do you know who this other guy is?

ETA:

she tells me on a Friday night she had unprotected sex with another man

Did she actually use the words unprotected sex.

If so, I find that odd and more cruel.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 11:18 AM, September 22nd (Monday)]

All I can tell you for the moment is put aside the "WHY" of her affair for the time being. This cannot be answered right now and she will not help you understand. Hell, she doesn't even know herself.

She has no regret for cheating on your because that's her way of justifying what she did. Don't buy it for a second. She is burying that guilt with layers and layers of bullshit rationalization so she doesn't feel the shame.

HOWEVER, it is essential that she suffer consequences for her choice, yes HER choice, to cheat on you. It had nothing to do with you or the state of the marriage.

DO NOT TRY TO NICE HER BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE. It NEVER works, ever.

Look at your in-laws coming in as a gift opportunity to put your wife in her place to face the consequences. Sit them all down in the same room together. Send off the kids off to the neighbors (if you have any). Then explain to them exactly what your wife explained to you, that she slept with another man and does not regret it. If anything, your in-laws are going to have this "WTF!?!?" expression, which your wife needs to see to show her that "no, it is NOT ok to cheat!" Tell the in-laws that in light of this new information, you know have the unfortunate burden of going to get STD tests and that you strongly encourage your wife to do the same. Avoid the topic of divorce. If pressed, say "I just don't know what I'm going to do."

Read up on the 180 now in the healing library - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

This is to guide you on behaviors to show that it is NOT ok for her to cheat. These are also behaviors to help you go through the emotional roller coaster you are on now and how to survive this day by day. Detachment is the key.

This is going to be a battle for control. You've got to hold your ground, define your boundaries, and prepare to hear some of the cruelest shit come out of her mouth to blame shift her poor choice on to you. Don't believe any of it. What you will want to focus on is her ACTIONS to tell you the truth. You will need to build a resolve for yourself like none other challenge that has come your way.

I generally suggest talking with an family law attorney as soon as you can, not so that you can file for divorce right away but to prepare for a likely scenario should that divorce be the only conclusion then you are not afraid to make that choice. Knowing your rights and understanding the D process is intimidating at first, but will provide you with knowledge that will empower you in this fight for your marriage. Just remember that attorneys are not marriage counselors, but do go in prepared to ask questions of what to expect in terms of property and custody if kids are involved. When you do see attorneys, do not tell your wife. You don't want her jumping the gun on you and filing before you have a chance.

Do not let fear dictate your choices.

The whole bit is cruel. No, she won't go into details. I have no idea and don't want to know. I am sure it is someone from her master's program. But doesn't matter, I am trying to focus on the emotional roller coaster of whether it's truly over or is there any hope.

Sorry your going through this. I found out about my husbands affairs a week ago. I know the emotional roller coaster. I barely eat as well and Now take lorazapam to help me sleep. Its hard for me to enjoy anything in my day and when I do I try and cling to that feeling. And its exhausting to think there's still a long road ahead!

You need to take care of yourself. I went to IC last Wednesday and it was the best choice I've made. YOU should be your main concern right now. Everything your feeling is normal and right! (at least that's what my counselor tells me)

You're getting good advice here.

You need to man up and get tough. That lying, cheating coward is not the woman you fell in love with. She is the ENEMY.

I say this a lot; you are in a fight. It's a fight for your marriage, or a fight for your divorce, but it's a fight and it should be waged in similar fashion. Take control. Make decisions. ACT.

This is not your shame, it's hers. She doesn't regret it? Then she won't mind you telling her parents.

Get to a lawyer NOW! She is not the person you knew. This bitch will screw you over six ways from Sunday if you let her. You need to see a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and in my opinion, file for divorce. You make the decisions now.

See your doctor. Drink LOTS of water. Force yourself to eat high calorie, whole foods. Exercise to burn off some emotion.

Oh yes, the rage is coming, brother, it's coming.

Keep posting here, it'll make you feel better. We know what you're going through and we're here to help.

Do you really want to be with someone who has so little regard. She cheated and rubbed your face in it and told you how much she enjoyed it.

If my FWW or anybody had done that to me after 13 marriage I would have run not walked to the nearest divorce lawyer.

I also probably would have kicked her out right then and there.

Tell her parents and go file for divorce.

Sorry to say but she was being cruel to you she does not care about you.

Kick her out!

((Shocked))

I agree with all of the above.

It is great you found SI this far "in". You will get some excellent advice here.

So sorry you are here.

Just a thought that might matter: I *really* like Jduff's suggestion of discussing it with the inlaws. It's the perfect opportunity to plant an unmistakable boundary in the minds of everyone. Not everyone gets a chance like this.

You might be thinking, "oh, but that will blow things up for good, she'll never come back after I do that." It's a mistake to think like that. If you go ahead and have the talk with the IL's and she doesn't then see the light then that's good information for you -- you'll know she's toxic and unsafe. If it does wake her up, even if just a little, then that too is information you can use.

When I asked her back in January what the issues were she said she couldn't tell me because if it was that easy it would be fixed by now.

Tell her what you think of her riddles. Really, the issues with your marriage had and have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Any and all issues in your marriage that she was eluding to have to do with one thing, her having an affair. That is it. No explaining around it, she cannot make anymore excuses or rationalizations about it.

Do not let her say nonsense like it is too hard to explain. Because it is so very simple to explain. The issues were and are she has been and is having an affair.

Do not let her try and make it sound so complicated. Do not let her try and blame you in any way.

Also, do not have sex with her!!

If there is a chance she can get pregnant, and she is having unprotected sex with this guy, you don't want to be having sex with her.

Yes, you have to see a lawyer today. And you have to close ALL joint accounts today.

Shocked

Do not play her TT (trickle truth) game. She is playing with you and your feelings.

Shock her into reality.

Be strong. Confident.

Sit her down in front of her parents. Call her out on her behavior.

Tell her you love her but you will not share her. That you do not want an open marriage nor a cheating wife who has unprotected sex with strangers.

Tell her that you prefer divorce over her behavior and that you deserve better and choose to find it with someone that respects you and your children.

Do that in front of her parents. Do not play her vague, avoidance games.

Tell her that you have made an appt. to see an attorney and will fill proceed with filing for divorce.

Stop guessing the staus of your marriage at this time. Stop worrying if she s walking away.

Your wife is a mess. Her actions speak volumes to the state of her mind.

Ignore her and proceed forward to better yourself and your kids.

How old are you two and how old are the kids?

HM

Look at the cell bill for a number with a lot of texts both now and dating back to last nov-dec.

All you have now is what she confessed, in my experience even most confessions omit most of the truth, if they're not ouright lies. If you can, hire a PI or put a voice-activated recorder in her car for a week.

Please stop acting so scared; it only hurts your cause. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and see if you can replace some of that fear with anger. You have nothing to lose, you might as well retain some dignity and self-respect.

What kind of person VOLUNTEERS the info of how satisfying the sex was with someone else. WHAT A (not nice person).

I have a slightly different take. I would go with your WW to pick up her parents and not allow them in the house. Make arrangements for your WW and her parents to stay a hotel but do not let them near your children or your home. When you get in the car, suggest going for a coffee or a bite to eat. If they agree, tell of your wife's intentions at this neutral location and watch their reactions. If they don't agree, confront in the car. Have a trusted friend or relative stay with your children and leave instructions that they are not to let them out of their sight.

I am worried for you because they may be coming to help her (and maybe your kids) move out of your home into another house she has rented. Why are her parents coming now? If she has been telling you since January she wants a divorce, why are her parents arriving for a visit three days after she told you she cheated? So watch their reaction after you tell them the truth. Their reaction will tell you why they are here. After that, take them to their hotel.

Be careful. I may be overly paranoid but something smells bad here.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 1:55 PM, September 22nd (Monday)]

I agree with ((meplusfour)). Something smells bad if they are coming to visit they may already know.

I didn't think the best man for our wedding knew anything because we were all together after DD and I saw no change in him nor did my friend who knew my side. Come to find out HE was helping WS and OW have a "place" to hang out which was his home.

Never assume someone on your WS side of the family or friends does/doesn't know. The affair has been hidden from you, the knowledge of others may be hidden as well.

Be careful and take care of your kids by getting help for yourself. Good luck and I am sure there is more to read as other SI's see your post.

Her parents don't know and are coming for other reasons--they had planned to visit weeks ago (Before this supposedly occurred). I'm not reading too much into it. I just don't know how to act around them (or her) for that matter. I'm going out with buddies tonight for support but beyond that...the lack of sleep...anxiety...etc.

We are both 39 and have 2 boys 10 and 6. I keep telling myself to be strong for them but I feel like an emotional and physical wreck.