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By the way--thanks everyone for the replies and support. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but with support I am sure I will make it.

I'm sorry but considering that she is still in her affair your MC appointment will be a total waste of time and money.

Do I flat out ask her before the appointment--call her today or do it in person--whether she wants to work through things together or get a divorce?

Hi Shocked27. So very sorry you find yourself here. I just read through your posts here. I didn't read everyone's posts though so apologies if you have already heard this.

I have been through this myself but from a completely different angle. I was 16 when I found out about my mother's A and she continued doing things like your WW is doing in front of my family.

After years of research and knowing what I know about A's, I would say that your WW had what is called an Exit Affair. Very unremorseful. Very deliberate in her actions even telling you about it. This type of behavior, the brutality and cruelty of it tells me a few things. That she is most likely a passive/aggressive conflict avoider. In other words, she id doing things to deliberately hurt you and put you in the position to pull the trigger because she is too chicken shit to do so on her own. She will have another ONS stand very shortly and keep pushing you without pushing you.

Her side of the 180 is not a 180 at all. What she is doing is avoiding conflict with you. Yet still trying to destroy your relationship. The 180 is for you do detach so that you can mentally get into a better head space to make decisions. She's already detached so that's not what she is doing. Keep up the 180 for yourself.

That said, why go to MC tonight? To me that is just a waste of money. She needs to go to IC first to figure out why she has these behaviors first. Otherwise, going to MC is a complete waste because she is not going to change herself. She's not in the M at all right now. She has completely stepped out. Knowing what I know, I would cancel the MC, have a lovely chat with the in-laws at home and let then know what is going on. That at the moment YOU have not decided to divorce until you can get your head on straight and decide what to do.

She has not seen any consequences of her actions. This would be one.

Easier said than done, I understand. But she is going to continue to torture you unless you start showing her the consequences. Ask her if she's planning on getting tested for STD's because of the unprotected sex.

Stay strong. Keep on the 180.

yop

I believe that MC is for two people that think they might want to remain a couple. Your WW has said she does not want to be married, sounds like, at least for now, MC would be a waste. On the other hand she agreed to go. Did she say why she is going?

I think everyone here wishes there was a magic pill to make it all go away.

You seem intent on going to this MC appointment.

May I suggest you go in with a very clear and concise list of what you need to even consider staying together.

Affair Ends.

No Contact is made, and sustained.

Open Access to all email/phones/tablets etc.

NO Lies.

Also have an appt made with an attorney prior to going into the MC appt.

She is going to give excuses and song and dances as to how this is your fault, and blah de blah, which is showing you exactly what her intentions are.

I would suggest then telling her you no longer trust her, and you will continue to uphold NC/180. Words me nothing, and actions mean everything. Then go see the lawyer.

This shit hurts. Hurts bad. She has no intention of making things right. She wants out, so show her the damn door. Mum and Dad can help pack her shit.

Ok--so new facts today. I called her while at work and flat out asked her if she wanted to commit to the marriage or get a divorce because I didn't want to waste time at MC. She said she does not want to get a divorce--she wants a 6 month separation to figure things out. She said she planned on talking through this at the appointment tomorrow and still wants to keep it.

I am fine with a separation--financially not sure how to make it work. Or does it mean I just sleep in the basement? I was doing that periodically before all this happened anway. I think I need to be out of the house though. I asked her if she still planned on sleeping around during this 6 months and she said she hadn't even thought about it which not sure to believe but up until the affair she has always been honest and truthful.

She wants to fuck the OM for 6 months and see where that relationship is going. If it flourishes then its bye-bye you; is it dies on the vine, then she will 'recommit' to her marriage.

Aren't you tired of being the victim? Tired of all the abuse draining all of your self-esteem? You can change this with some firm resolve and defined boundaries. If she wants a separation then theres the door with no guarantee she will be allowed back. When she steps over the threshold file for divorce.

Only you can end this disrespectful abuse. Isn't it time you made the effort?

The six month separation is cake eating.

It is not 'to figure things out'

It is to keep you as plan B in case Plan A (POS) doesn't work out.

Text book cheater behaviour. I bet you the tea in China that the 6 month separation involves sacrifice on your part (moving out and waiting for her to decide while she continues to get boned by the POS)

This should not be a decision made by her to see if she wants you. It should be her jumping through hoops to keep you. She should be begging and snivelling to keep you.

The 6 month separation is not a good sign. She's letting you down 'gently'

My exWW was as cruel as yours. She's gone, from what I can see.

Welcome to this wonderful haven of sanity which you can count upon to see you through your darkest days.

One last thing - Don't believe or listen to a single word that comes out of her mouth. It's all lies

AAS

Shocked27, six month separation means that she wants to continue her affair and see where things will go with the OM. If it doesn't work out with him, she will stay married to you until... she finds "someone better".

Don't let her play you for a fool... cancel your MC appointment and file for a divorce as soon as you can. She doesn't want to be married to you, she's just trying to keep her options open.

[This message edited by adriana1980 at 10:47 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

I agree with OK Now.

Typically when a WS gets caught, not remorseful in the least, then they ask for a separation, well, that's their way of playing the field in more ways than one. It gives them freedom to do what they want, when they want, and potentially to also get their own side in "dis" order. Buys them time.

You need to get an attorney asap. You need to know what the legal rules are for separation in your state. What obligations do you have to her for either an in-house or out of house separation. It can get way more complicated than you think. You also need to explore what your options are for D if this thing goes south in a hurry. You have too many unknowns unless you already have an attorney.

Without a doubt her request of a separation gives her freedom to have sex with other men and also explore her options with an attorney as well and keep you in the dark about it.

I hate to say this but this is getting uglier and getting dark in you fast. Get out ahead of it. Forget the MC session. You don't need that for a separation. MC will ask you what you are doing there if you are going to separate and not move forward together. What you need and absolutely have to have when she starts talking about separation is an attorney.

yop

She said she does not want to get a divorce--she wants a 6 month separation to figure things out.

Absolutely not.

This only means she wants to be able to continue the affair without you knowing about it. Why give you a huge head start on divorce. Why be her second choice.

Let her sleep on the couch. She wants a separation, give her a separation from the bed.

If it was me going to MC, I would take a no nonsense approach and say this in front of the MC. She tells me that she does not want a divorce, that can only mean we start working on our marriage today, not tomorrow and not in 6 months.

If this MC even tries to agree that a separation is good thing, advise the MC to go back to selling used cars.

And remind them, they are a MC, not a separation counselor. Separating is not working on the marriage in any way.

I would also demand to know WHO this other guy is and how long and far this affair has gone on.

There is no reason in the world you should be forced to live in the dark. This is nothing more than someone forcing you to drive a car blindfolded. And no one would ever agree to do that.

Why should you be forced to live your life in limbo. Why should you be forced to live your life without knowing what is going on.

I would also include the things your wife said to you about the sex and the unprotected sex, how she made a point of telling you that.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 10:47 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday)]

No separation. Unless you're okay with her screwing another man or other men senseless for the next half a year while you think there's still a chance.

She decides to work on it now, or:

You go to a lawyer and file for divorce. Who gives a fuck what she wants? You shouldn't - she doesn't give a fuck what you want.

She can get out of the house.

You 180... hard.

She is still wiping her feet on you, Buddy.

We know what we're talking about. MAN UP. Release your inner bastard. If ever you needed that nasty bugger that's inside you, it's now.

She wants to buy 6 months … fuck that! Tell her for the next 6 months she can rent an apartment.

Its wayyyyy to early to discuss D…maybe in 6 months but not now. There are stages you need to move through first, especially the shock and anger stages.

Take control.

Your house is YOUR house. Her parents can visit if/when some kind of normalcy is in place later, make that happen.

If she wants to sleep in her bed then she needs to suspend her Master’s program.

Sleep when you can, hydrate, eat, exercise.

Continue to post.

Hang in there.

She said she does not want to get a divorceshe wants a 6 month separation to figure things out.

Translation - I still want to see if this will become an exit-A and OM will be my KISA to take me away to fantasy unicorn land. However, I want you to keep you on standby as Plan B just in case.

This isn't just cake-eating. She is trying to play you and OM. To the OM the story will be that she can go back to you so he better follow through and make the exit-A turn into a "real" relationship. On your end it is treating you like you're on probation or something. I promise you that her expectation is that you either leave her completely alone so she is free to meet with OM without any accountability or that you will be expected to "win" her back. Or both.

Go stone cold 180 and get things rolling with an attorney of your own.

so, she wants a separation to work things out. What perfect timing! She can pack her things up and go with her parents.

MC at this point in time would be a farce. she is only agreeing to placate you. she wants to keep you as plan B as long as possible.

cancel the appointment.

separate your finances.

meet with an attorney.

tell the in laws.

go dark, no contact as best possible

180

Strength

Right now she thinks she's calling the shots. She's also avoiding conflict with you for her actions.

Don't let her do either. Call off the MC appt. Don't let her know you are doing so and continue to do a hard 180. Before it's time to go to the MC, then let her know that you are not going.

Please read this:

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Shocked27 Affairs are like vampires, they do not like the light of day, Don't like the affair? Burn it down, Tell everyone starting with her parents,If the other man has a wife tell her also. Your Wife doesn't want a divorce, tell her you don't want three in a marriage, Time to get tough and take no prisoners, She does not respect you at all. If she wants a boyfriend then she should go live with him. Serve her with divorce papers. (You can always stop it later if she comes to her senses) Tell her you're not ok with being plan B.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:07 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Shocked

You and your wife have a lot to talk about at the MC session.

A separation can mean many things.

The problem is that your wife had an affair. She lied. She cheated. She was focusing on someone else instead of you, your marriage and your family.

So what will a separation do for both of you that she has not already done???

That is what you two need to discuss.

If she is going to separate so she can date and see whom else is out there then you have your answer on what she wants for her future.

She needs to be honest with you or your issues will never get resolved.

And you know what? You may not want her back after a 6 month separation. It works both ways. You need to make it clear.

IMO if you both want to work on the marriage then you stay together.

If one of you does not and she wants a separation then file for D.

Why? Because it sends a clear message that you are not her Plan "B".

If she never cheated and lied to you a separation would be ok.

Have your questions ready for tomorrow. Have your boundaries made clear.

And if she continues to lie to you then you show her consequences.

HM