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Personally, I would have to cancel the in-law visit. Post Dday, I could barely get out of bed those first few weeks. I would not be able to entertain and put on a good face during that time. My focus was on my kids only...and that was hard enough. Good luck with whatever decision you make - remember, you do whatcha gotta do! It won't be easy, that's for sure! Let us know how you make out.

I wish I could postpone. I just don't know what to say to them. Plus it forces me to sleep in the same bed as her! I am still a #%# wreck. Is it normal to still feel it will work out somehow? This is the denial stage I assume. Seriously--how do people sleep?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:07 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

When I first found out about WW's A, I was averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. After about a month of that I took an evening kickboxing class, and then slept through the night. I think the key to being able to start sleeping through the night is strenuous exercise, and it must be strenuous . Good luck.

Shocked27, you need to tell them what really happend and they should understand and respect your wish to postpone or cancel their visit.

It is normal to expect things to just be fixed and life will go on. But your wife said some things to you that go beyond normal affairs.

Usually, a wife will admit to an affair if she is very guilty feeling, remorseful and sorry. Your wife apparently did this to hurt you. You need to realize.

Your wife is a cruel person, you need to realize that. There is no reason in the world for her to of admitted it the way she did and what she said.

The worst thing and the reason you feel like you do is because you were lied to, you were deceived in one of the most heinous ways possible by the one person you thought wouldn't.

You are in shock, plain and simple.

You need to start taking care of yourself immediately. You need to start thinking about you immediately.

Stand up to her. She needs to be shocked into reality. Now by telling her parents this, they might stick up for her or they might be disgusted with her, hard to say.

But they need to know, starting off by saying your wife has a boyfriend and wants a divorce.

Are you close to her parents?

Just remember, think of yourself at this time and take care of yourself. You are in shock, and when the shock of this wears off, anger could set in.

Is there anyone at this school you know you could ask about this, are you close enough to any of her friends to ask about this.

You feel like hell because someone took your life away from you, and that person is your wife. You feel like you have lost all control of your own life all of a sudden.

By thinking of yourself and taking care of yourself, you will gain some of that control back. By talking to a lawyer, you will gain a lot of that lost control.

Affairs, take control away from the BS and you need to get that feeling of being in control back.

((shocked)) whoa... my wife did something similar but it was in front of me to "also get at me." While my wife did not sleep with the men, it still hurt like hell (my story is in my profile). However my wife was very remorseful afterwards and has changed things in her life, but i will admit it still haunts us and her behavior at times is just strange.

You need to put aside the reasons... your wife asked for divorce, you declined, she cheats and tells you in a manner of which she thinks will cause you to leave the marriage in my opinion. The message is consistent. You need to in fact tell her parents (if you can before the arrive), and proceed with leaving the marriage.

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids, is not a marriage. You can both be great parents to your kids separately, but it is toxic for them be otherwise.

You cannot force or nice your wife back... you really need to start the process of filing, it can always be stopped if radical change occurs but she has made her intentions clear.

Regardless of the affection that she shows at times, you are her play thing that she can come back to and say how she enjoyed banging another man.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:22 PM, September 22nd (Monday)]

When my WW admitted the PA to me. Her sole intention. Was to GET ME TO LEAVE HER. And she was not as cruel as your WW.

I am not sure what this might mean for you, but she.is certainly trying to be cruel. This is going to be a very bumpy ride.

Please see an IC and start detaching. If she continues to be this cruel. At least you will be more able to let go.

Good luck

I totally agree with getting prepared right now and then sitting down with your WW and the in-laws. Be clear that you were shocked. Quote her words to them. Indicate that you've done everything possible for the marriage and simply don't know what is next given what she has said.

Watch your in-laws reactions and follow up actions as well as hers. It will be a key indicator to whether R is a likely possibility or not. You can't assume that they will be supportive of you. If they focus their attention and support on their daughter, that alone tells you something about them and where she may have picked up her behavior to begin with. If their concern is for the grandchildren, it is pretty much the same deal. Your hope is that they recognize the seriousness of the issue, help you to find help (e.g. IC) and offer activities/arrangements for the week that are a help to you while you are still reeling from the news.

Shocked. Sorry you are here. You will get thru this. Keep posting it does help to talk with others.

Don't tell your wife you intend to tell her parents either, or I guarantee you that she will have already lied to them before they even get there.

Do not give her any warning of any kind.

yes, i agree do not warn her.

Does the 180 work? Should I ask before the counseling session on Wednesday if she is committed to make this work? I am probably delaying the inevitable but the 180 makes it seem this is the best course.

I did not see her parents as I went out with buddies and hung out and watched football. I came home and she was up. Interesting part was she texted my good friend asking if I was with him since I wasn't at home and didn't leave a note. I told her last night I would be going out. I thought that was strange.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it is an awful and helpless feeling.

I have to say that I am very impressed with so many men speaking up and supporting you. I used to think that it was mostly only men who cheated. My 2nd H cured me of that thinking.

Tina is right. You need to remind yourself that how you're feeling is normal. When my first H moved out, I truly thought I was going to die. I sometimes wished for a Mac truck to hit me. I never ate, I actually slept like a rock for 2 months. I often worked from home bc I couldn't get out of bed, so I kept my laptop in my bed with me. Please know you're not alone and this has nothing to do with you.

I know you love her, but once you see clearly and put her in the proper light, your feelings will change. She is not the person you fell in love with. One day, you will realize that you can't truly be in love with someone who treats you so poorly. It's impossible. Again, she is a different person now. You have to let this sink in. She is a different person, keep repeating.

Think only of your children and yourself in the near future. Read up on the 180 on the board, as it can only help.

Hang in there, you're among friends.

Late to the thread but...

I wish I could postpone. I just don't know what to say to them.

If you don't want your in-laws around then tell them!! Where is your anger?!?!

Furthermore, you really need to start standing up for yourself. Right now, your wife thinks you're a weak doormat. Your passive actions so far are not proving her wrong.

1. Get tested for STDs.

2. Go to a lawyer and get information regarding divorce.

3. Expose her actions to her parents.

4. Find the identity of her OM.

5. Stop putting up with her bullshit.

6. Do not 'hide' behind your children. If your children see your wife humiliating you time and time again, then they will pick this up as normal behavior.

Zed has it right. She thinks you're a doormat, and you're letting her wipe her slutty feet all over you.

You must leave infidelity, in any way necessary.

You asked if the 180 works. What do you want it to do? Implementing the 180 is not meant to have any effect on her (though it might), it is for YOU. It WILL help you clear your head, get stronger, and make the decisions that must be made.

Tell her parents what has transpired, then tell them you hope they understand that you are not welcoming guests into YOUR home at this time. When your wife freaks out, tell her to leave too, and tell her not to make any plans for returning.

You may not like it, but you have to get hard and strong. Man up. This woman betrayed your trust, let another man have her. Find your anger, man!

Don't let her see you hurting anymore. Implement the 180 and stick with it. I promise you it will help you. I personally don't give a fuck what it does to her.

Schocked, you asked about the 180.

Yes the 180 works, but it works for YOU... Do NOT do it to shock her back into the M. If you do it for that reason it won't work. She will sense your withdrawl, and then if she is not wanting to give up the best of both worlds, she will love bomb you into submission again, and the cycle will repeat..

180 is FOR YOU. IT IS ABOUT YOU. It is to stop contact, and interaction with her on ALL levels. It is to protect your heart, and your sanity, from her crazed behavior.

Your wife is not the average WS, she has said horrifically hurtful things. She has made it clear she had fun and will do it again. This is not remorse, and if you want to sweep it all under the rug and pretend all is well. Be prepared for a repeat performance again and I would bet it will be sooner than later.

Go back and read Zed's post. It's a short version of what I tell newbies too. Each situation is different, but there are many truths that run through all of them.

(((and strength)))

You do understand that this is an exit A, don't you ? Its been planned for quite some time and was finally executed. She USED YOU to make it easy for her to get her masters and now wants out. And this A has been going on for a lot longer than you think my man. All of the other members have given you some good advice on getting tough. I suggest you listen to them and act accordingly. As for your kids, my story began over 10 years ago and has run the entire gambit, from discovery to divorce and all the heartbreaking bullshit that's in between. I have never once bad mouthed my XWW to my kids, but I have never lied to them either. The absolute worst thing you can do right now is to be a pussy and allow your WW to run this show. Because the kids are watching/learning and if you want them to grow up thinking infidelity is normal by all means keep making up excuses for your WW. My youngest is now 14 and without me coming out and saying that his mother was a lying cheat, he has figured it out for himself. I don't allow him to be disrespectful towards her, but he knows the deal. Kids are much smarter then we give them credit for. Your best course of action is to stand tall and put a stop to this nonsense. Your kids will learn from example and I hope you show them that you will not be pushed around. Remember this pal, your children need to respect you as well as love you. Hang in there bro. Welcome, please keep posting and reading. Sadly this is going to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. How long it will take is up to you.

You have gotten some good advice here.

See a lawyer ASAP. There are things you should (and should not) be doing right now. Your W may not be in a good state of mind and the kids might be better off with you for a time.

You can out her to her parents but be prepared for them to side with her, no matter what she has done they are her parents and she is still their little girl. Do out the cheating to OMs wife, if he has one.

Do the 180, it will help you.

Get some help for you, get IC.

Day 5...finally slept in two 2 hour blocks last night so I feel somewhat better. I have being trying 180 for 2 days now. That is really hard too! She is being nice but not caring--as I would expect. I feel like we're both doing 180 except she is going to continue an affair. As part of the 180 I haven't asked if she is going to stop, I haven't asked if she wants to reconcile. We have our initial MC appointment tomorrow. Part of me wants to ask ahead of time if she wants to work through this together but I guess the 180 doesn't allow that. No discussion of future. I think the hardest part for me right now is the denial--the thought of letting go and assuming divorce is inevitable.

I still don't know what to do with her parents. I will finally see them tonight after work. Part of me also wants to wait to tell them until after the MC appointment tomorrow to see once and for all where this is going. #%#%. I am still a mess. I have a lot of friends who are supporting me. I have reached out to 6 of them so far (3 of which have gone through divorce--2 of them with cheating wives).

I am trying to read the 180 constantly to remind myself how to act. That is really hard too.

Focusing at work has been extremely difficult. Thankfully my boss is supportive. I guess the hardest part is there is no magic pill to make the pain go away and let me live a normal day again.